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Featured I don’t understand why NO ONE takes an interest in me/likes me?

Discussion in 'PDD-NOS, Social Anxiety and Others' started by Frostee, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    I observe when I am down the street and rarely do I see anyone really looking at me.... nor do I get praise when I dress up.

    This is representative of my life experience in friendship.. at my university I had a few acquaintances but never strong friendships.

    No one ever really bothered to talk to me.. or appeared to take an interest.

    People say “you don’t talk to anyone”... but no one talks to me.

    I don’t think that i’m miserable or unlikeable.

    Yet most people just ignore me entirely and I have no clue why.
     
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  2. christopher.k

    christopher.k roosterman

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    hmm i tend to have the same experience unless its in town (where a lot of people know me but from when i was much more nervous timid and afraid of expressing myself) but to actually try and address the concern

    it might be that if they know of you well enough to know your problems they might simply think you want space

    and if they dont live in the area/street then to them your just a dude there passing and with life being what it is there probably pressured by getting to were they want/need to be or they might be simply introverted(like me) and realy dislike talking to people.

    dont know about the university part though was always holed away in special needs units during my school/college year so i cant give much insight to give into that kind of social environment im afraid.
     
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  3. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    I'm almost always the one to start a conversation. Why wait around for someone to take the initiative?
    It's nothing personal, people just get wrapped up in their own world.
     
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  4. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    When I was in college, the only time anyone talked to me, was to mock me. I have always been an outcast and continue to be one.
     
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  5. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Think of the basics in approaching those nine out of ten people you pass by who are not Neurodiverse. For starters, they're going to notice that you aren't making eye contact with them, and that you aren't smiling. And in that split second they're likely to just write you off socially, not even giving you the time of day.

    Neurotypicals are in such an overwhelming majority that in most cases don't expect them to be conscious of social differences of Neurodiverse people. Even if they already know you're on the spectrum, most likely they'll still identify with and adhere exclusively to their own social customs and not your own. That if you look or act differently, most people will likely just shun you without giving it much thought.

    Worse perhaps if they perceive your body language is saying, "BACK OFF". That's when you might get yourself a full-length mirror, and in private study how you look when hoping for some kind of recognition and feedback from others. I suspect many of us on the spectrum maintain this sort of impression with others. I know I have at times. Though I recognize that I must mask my traits and behaviors in a group situation likely dominated by Neurotypicals to try to avoid such an impression. It's not fair, but then fair isn't even a consideration to a huge majority accustomed to socially interacting exclusively on their terms.

    Occasionally I think of such situations involving body language found in various films, whether intended as comedy or drama. Such as the scene in "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" when Lisbeth Salander is being interviewed. Where she somehow manages to get the job while never actually making any real eye contact. A pretty awkward scene, especially from the perspective of Neurotypicals. But they needed her skills, so they chose to overlook such awkwardness on her part.

    Or the scene in "Animal House" when the two hapless fraternity pledges go to the snottiest frat house , where they are treated with insincere smiles and friendly gestures, while basically dumping them in a corner of the room as they have no intention of accepting them into their fraternity. Look at their body language. The extroverted host, versus the introverted pledges.

    It's supposed to be comedy and funny. But if you put yourself in their position or can recall something similar in real life, it's not so funny. I've been there. When smiling never comes naturally to me. :oops:

     
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  6. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Almost all--maybe all--of your threads criticize the behavior of others and are about what others should or should not have done. Do what you want and let others do what they want, and it's going to be a lot of fun!
     
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  7. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    You would most likely benefit from social skills training, which a therapist could help you with. Of course, that would mean accepting that you have a deficit in that area. If you are only looking for shortcomings in other people's behavior, you will never crack this nut. Nobody is entitled to friendships, but all must learn and use appropriate interpersonal skills, whether these come naturally or through training.
     
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  8. Cazelle

    Cazelle Active Member

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    Hi Frostee, do you do these things yourself? Look at others, praise them for their efforts in their appearance? I ask because I know that at times I have appeared unapproachable and uninterested in contact of any kind with others (sometimes I genuinely feel this way and can feel myself project this, other times my husband may mention that's what I am doing), and when I force myself to make eye contact, smile, compliment, say 'hi', etc. then I find people do that more towards me.
     
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  9. Jeremy McLaughlin

    Jeremy McLaughlin New Member

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    I think it depends heavily upon gender. Woman are often thinking"is he safe to talk to," and guys think "is she going to scream or reject me if I look he way." Sometimes you may have to make the initialization (I know this is rough). I had tremors for 4-6 hours when I met my wife. Try to think what another person just like you would want to see and make yourself approachable. Try to keep a smile on. I know that people like to see joyous and spontaneous people. I'm not encouraging you to take anything, but if you can amplify who you are for others to see they may take notice. I hope that helps. I know it hurts to be alone.
     
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  10. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Hi, thank you. I agree. My University councillor recommended this for me, as I do struggle with the more complicated social situations.

    For example, why are my photos on Facebook ignored? Is this because of my social status? Why does everyone ignore me on Facebook? Why is he giving me that look? Why did she not sit beside me today? Why is this person not making an effort with me?

    I would be up for that sort of thing and have looked for it, but I am struggling to find anything in my area. We even looked in London and found that they were far and few between there so.

    I did mention this in an ASD Peer Support Group and got laughed at in response, but I do think it would be beneficial for all of us. I don't know why anyone would deny now needing social help. It is something that we all struggle with everyday, so let's not lie.

    I'm not really looking for other people's shortcomings, although I will discuss when I feel that I have been discarded because of my condition, or I meet someone who doesn't have much sympathy/understanding towards my condition. What I would be doing is, posing certain social situations to the Trainer and outlining what happened that confused me and requesting an explanation behind the situation. I.e was this person rude as I suspected? Why is my 'friend' not contacting me, does this mean a lack of interest? etc. All things that I ask on a daily basis.
     
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  11. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Not particularly. I usually spot out one person that I 'like' and try to form a friendship of sorts with them, by imitating meet ups, saying hello etc.

    I don't really talk to anyone else (and they don't talk to me).

    Social Media is different, I would write a lot on there but am ignored most of the time. I don't know why. I have gone so far as to ask why people ignore me as a status but no response. I really have no idea what's going on there.
     
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  12. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    This is a very simplistic view. As I said, I do post frequently on Facebook and am ignored quite often.

    There is something behind why people ignore me, and I think it is my social status.
     
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  13. Edward764

    Edward764 Active Member

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    Since you are at university, you might think about interesting or helpful facets of the university as a whole, or about your classes that you can share with classmates to begin a conversation.

    Do you have any insights you feel might be of benefit to others if you shared them, or your perspective on them?
    As has already been mentioned, this should be prefaced by smiling and greeting others, and projecting a confident self image. Make sure these actions are subtle to moderate, since you do not want to come across as phony.
    It is also a good idea to call them by name when greeting them, unless you plan on engaging a group.
     
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  14. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Simplistic view for a simple issue! I think you're over-thinking it. What is "social status" and how do people perceive it?

    1. People want to be happy.
    2. If they think you'll contribute or you do contribute to their happiness, they'll interact/continue interacting with you.
    3. If you seem difficult/negative/whiny/unhappy/critical, you'll be avoided.

    People who happily, confidently go about their lives, doing things they enjoy, have people drawn to them. On the other end are people my friend always called "vampires".

    All relationships involve cost-benefit analysis. When entering relationships, we're "selling" ourselves. We want to make sure the "sales pitch" presents more benefits than costs.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
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  15. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    "Why" you experience these negative things is not the right question. The question you should be asking is "how can I change that?"
     
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  16. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Well you can watch a video me and see how I appear.

     
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  17. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    Some thoughts on your video.

    1. You're attractive. Hey! That's a plus.
    2. Speech-wise, your delivery is a little monotonous as well as long-winded. Compare your video with others on YouTube and see if you can tell the difference in style. (Compare with NTs, not Aspies particularly.) It's also way too long. Nobody watches 22 minutes of a video! Ideal is 2-3 minutes, or if necessary, up to 7. 22? never!
    3. I suspect this speech style is one reason others ignore you or talk over you. You take too long to come to the point and you proceed slowly and monotonously. Meanwhile others tire of waiting and jump in with their own point of view.
    4. So, as an exercise, you may want to re-make your video and speak more forcefully, faster, and emphasizing your key points.
    5. Unlike some speakers, you never directly address your audience. E.g. by saying things like "maybe this sounds familiar to you?" or "Have you ever experienced _____?" or "If this video was useful to you, click the "like" and "subscribe" links below." These sorts of statements could be lacking in your conversation more generally.

    I hope this critique was helpful and gives you something to think about!
     
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  18. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Interesting to read another thread posted by someone from Northern Ireland in their 20s, going to a uni in Southern England. Similar social issues, though this person seems to think none of it is likely to be relative to regional differences.

    In that thread I was the one who speculated along the lines of regional differences.

    Now I'm really confused. :oops:

    Social Issues at University
     
  19. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Oh I must’ve forgotten my password lol!
     
  20. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Then in fact that was YOU? Then we agree after all this, that it appears more likely that you are the victim of regional prejudice than perhaps anything else. Where either they don't socialize at all with outsiders, or perhaps they simply reject you out of hand for being from Ulster. Maybe even both.

    I know none of my Irish relatives would be caught dead going to school there, but then they're ahem...of a very different mindset. Equally I suppose there was a time when someone from Southern England wouldn't dare wander into their neighborhood either.
     
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