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I don’t know what to do. Even my own children cannot stand me.

T

Tanyax

Well-Known Member
I don’t know how to put this because it’s so very painful but I have 2 daughters 11 and 13 and basically they can’t stand me. I am their mum and they really really just do not like me.

I know how lovely you people are and you will say all kinds of things because you don’t believe it’s true and you want to be kind but I really really mean it. They don’t. I do believe that they love me but truly they do not like me. I annoy them and they cannot bear to be in my company.

They are very honest. I’m not allowed to talk. I try not to as awful as that is but it’s so unfair and unnatural. We are taught to just be ourselves and if people don’t like us for who we are then that’s their loss etc etc but these are my girls. Why can’t they like me for who I am?

Surely I shouldn’t have to change myself for anyone. I have had to learn to be someone that I’m not just to get through a day without any problems. I cry just about every single day because they are so awful to me. They really don’t like me. They pick on me. They are very open about it. It’s nothing new. Tonight I heard her dad saying to my youngest ‘I know she’s annoying but you just have to be nice’ . She couldn’t even sit through a tv show with me. It’s horrendous and it’s breaking my heart.

It’s a very open problem in our little family unit but I’m the one that’s the ‘problem’. I can’t change who I am. I’ve told them that. I’m not being stubborn or unreasonable but I just am who I am. I wish I weren’t but I am. I am kind. I am loving. And I bloody love them, they know that but what else can I do? I can’t be anyone other that who I am and it’s hard enough trying to love and accept yourself but when your own kids can’t bear you it’s devastating.

I do not know what on earth im meant to do. I am a very kind and loving person and I don’t deserve this but they are my kids and I’d do anything to have the relationship with them that I long for.

Bottom line is, even at their young ages they’ve decided they cannot be around me for long and when we are together it doesn’t end well. I love them so very much but it just upsets everyone despite all my best intentions and effort and I think they would be happier without me.

Look, I don’t know, I know this is very specific but if anyone can help I would be so grateful. Please don’t say it’s their ages or any of the cliches. It really isn’t. I’m not exaggerating, they really find me so annoying that they can’t be around me. I get asked to not go on day trips, shopping etc because they don’t want me. It’s very open. It’s very hurtful and it’s very honest.

I know no one can help me in terms of what to do because there really isn’t anything. I have to lump it but I wondered if anyone could say they understand maybe? It’s bloody awful. My heart has been breaking for such a long time but they’re my kids. I love them so I have to just suck it up and at the same time feel so guilty for not being the mum they want me to be. It’s horrible. Xx
 
What is annoying them? If it’s something like talking while watching TV together, then that is something you can learn to stop without changing who you are.
I don’t think it is helpful when their father tells them you are annoying. Instead, he could be a kind of translator, explaining to them what is going on and he can give you some gentle feedback.
There may be more than just that you are (or not) annoying. There could be anger or long-term misunderstandings that are getting in the way of having a better relationship with your girls.
I wonder if family therapy would help? It might give everyone in your family, not just you, some needed insights.
 
@Tanyax

This could be a case of parental alienation - I hope not, but it could be. Can you tell us more abvout their father? Has he got a personaility disorder? How does he treat you? It is not normal for children to behave like this.
 
Googling ‘parental alienation’ ...

Very interesting, I am familiar with it but hadn’t heard that term before. You might be on to something there Choco....
 
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I have had this mentioned to me before on here on my other threads and it may be possible but I don’t think so. I really think it’s me. I have a new partner now and it sounds strange but he’s been very much accepted into our family so we spend our time as a family of 5 instead of 4 and my ex and girls are so very lovely to him. Honestly, my kids like him more than me. He knows all of this stuff and somehow still loves me but he is the one that guides me and literally nudges me and gives me the eyeball over and over every night because he is trying to help me navigate things and help me not to annoy anyone. So, yes, I do think there is definitely an element of p.a. I do, and their dad could help me do much more than he does but he’s the most amazing dad and I love him so much for that but I know that their thoughts and feelings are perfectly valid because my partner acknowledges it over and over and tries to help me. My children are intensely spoilt and lacking in discipline and that is largely due to their dad and because I’m not allowed a say. My partner does not like the way they treat me at all and is a helpful guide to my life because I honestly don’t know what’s ok anymore but it doesn’t change the fact that they pretty much can’t be in the same room as me. I don’t know. I’m so confused. My youngest actually adores my boyfriend. It’s easier for everyone when he’s in the room. If anything, I’m the alien. That’s the problem. I really just want to repeat, I love my girls so very very much. My heart is breaking and has been for nearly 2 years. The problem is, I’m the problem. I’m just so horrible.
 
And no, chocoholic, it is NOT normal. It’s horrible. It’s way. It’s heartbreaking but it’s my life and somehow I’ve ended up here and I have to find a way through it. It really kills me every single day over and over but I love them so very very much that I have no choice. I have to keep pushing on. What else can I do?
 
When you love your children, you have to make hard decisions. If what you say is true, then it is child abuse. They are the victim and you need to get out of your rut and do something about it.
Stop saying how much you love them and how horrible you are. That doesn’t help anyone does it?
 
Actually, I do have a solution. More on that in a minute:

I can identify with your situation because I used to be 11 and then 13. I was horrible to my parents, and they did nothing to stop it besides yell "HEY" every once in a while. I found their presence intolerable. I was a spoiled brat who had no respect for my parents because they didn't give me a single reason to respect them.

They failed to earn my esteem because I felt they were beneath me. I didn't actually think that out loud, but in retrospect that's what it was. I just think they didn't know what to do; when they were kids, they got their asses beat for disrespecting their parents. Can't do that anymore, so what's left?

You really need to take this situation by the balls if you want it to get any better, both for your benefit and theirs. Because guess what? 11 and 13 become 21 and 23, and if they haven't learned unconditional respect for others (for anyone and everyone, including you) by that age, they're probably going to suffer a great deal as adults.

It's hard to get a read on someone over text, but you really don't seem like a "take the situation by the balls" kind of person. But if you love your daughters and want them to grow up to be happy, emotionally healthy, mentally well people there's a few things I'd suggest doing:

First and foremost, get their father on your side. If he says something like "I know she's annoying but you have to be nice", for starters that's a worthless lesson from him and second: what an awful thing to say. Him saying that is like...the laziest way to try to help I could imagine. Make sure he knows how you feel about the entire situation and if he argues in the least remind him that any argument he makes is dismissing how you feel, and you won't stand for that.

As for your daughters, I'm getting the sense that you're trying to appease them into liking you. Remember, they haven't been on this Earth for very long. They don't understand the way things are supposed to work. If you continue to appease them, meet their needs, cook their meals, do their laundry, do everything short of wiping their asses for them, they're going to see that as your role in life.

Kids don't intuitively know how to do anything besides eat, crap, piss, and cry. Things like social dynamics need to be expressly taught, and not in a classroom on a whiteboard, but by the people who are in charge of raising them.

Idea: if you're really at the bottom on the totem pole in that family despite the fact that I'm sure you work yourself to the bone as every mom does, why don't you consider taking a Mom Protest Vacation. Go stay with someone for a couple weeks. I mean, before taking such a drastic step I would make sure to lay down the law about how you're sick and tired of the way things are right now, that you don't deserve to be treated the way you're being treated (note that they may not be aware on some level how deeply their words and actions affect you. Be sure to define that), and that if they really don't want to have you around they can just take care of themselves for a little bit while you take a well-deserved vacation.

You cry every day about how you're being treated by your own spawn. You don't deserve that, nobody does. If you're really not the "take-charge" type, if may be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. But think about it: your kids are happy with the status quo, their father is apparently happy with the status quo, but you are not happy with the current state of affairs. Nobody else is going to change the situation they're fine with: it is entirely up to you to stand up ten feet tall and assert your human right to be respected.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm also not sorry. I understand that I'm not privy to every last detail, but the general sense of what I'm going for here is empowerment because it seems like you've given all your power away.

Here's a song for inspiration:

 
Yes the alienator is adored by the alienated children. My two who were aged 10 and 12 when l remarried, adored their step father and within six months were rebelling against me. If only l had known what was going on. They are both dead now from opiate abuse

I would probably not have believed it either. Please look into it.
 
It seems you think you are horrible and they have a right to not be able to stand you.

If you feel they are justified in this action, what do you do that is so horrible?

If you do a careful examination of yourself and find horrible things lacking,
then it's time to get to the bottom of what started this upheavel two years ago.
What happened two years ago that would suddenly create this type of action?
If you don't know, ask. Firmly.
They may just say they don't want to talk about it.
I get that answer from the person I live with.
But, I've listened carefully to what few clues are said and started adding the answers together.
Now, for my own personal drama here, I understand.
Doesn't make much sense or hurt any less to be put down or yelled at, but, at least I know
how the person thinks and it is from a personality disorder he has.
That parental alienation is a possiblity with you.
 
There are ways to counteract what is going on but best if you can get them away from him as he will be lying to them about you.
 
Reading through the other thread, it might be necessary to leave the situation and then apply for custody but you will need to start amassing evidence, so start recording things. You will need to find a lawyer who knows about PA.

When children are taken away from the Alienatior, they can very quickly reconnect with the target parent. Look up Ryan Thomas on You Tube who was an alienated kid.
 
I am not a mother, but I often have wondered if I were, that what you describe, could have well been my story.

My sister has 5 and they are all very much different to my sister. Her youngest daughter was 10 maybe when she became violent towards my sister. But in truth, although no justification, I could clearly see why. Often children are not heard; but talked at and if this carries on, resentment builds up and turns to anger and thus, is released.

Children today, are a lot more aware, than children of yesterday and often act as though they are teens, rather than children still and what happens with teens, is they begin to feel embarrassed by their parents.

I often said to my sister that the way she treats her children, they might as well be in charge and not her! And what goes along with that, is a complete lack of respect.

Your ex cannot be a loving father, because of how he treats the mother of his children. If anything, he is deliberately putting your young ones against you.

Once my sister started using authority with her children, they started to respect her. So, if at all possible, each time they attack you; you tell them that one more attack and they will forfeit something. As it seems there are no consequences for their actions.
 
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