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I don't know how to talk to men...

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by AngelaS267, Apr 7, 2020.

  1. AngelaS267

    AngelaS267 Active Member

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    I know it's ridiculous, but not really. I quite literally do not understand men. For all the years I've been masking in conversation, I've only learned a very limited set of conversational pieces that help me get by. With it, I can make a few friends at a time, participate in small talk, and make little polite conversation, if only at a surface level. But I generally feel safer with women doing those things. For some reason with men, I am at a COMPLETE loss for how to communicate with them. It sounds very juvenile, I am in my mid twenties for goodness sake. But when I get around guys I get super awkward again. It's like I malfunction. I don't have any mental scripts for talking to men lol. It sucks because I end up boring most of my dates after a while no matter how optimistic they are in the beginning of dating me. I'm pretty cute. But I must come off soooo boring, awkward, and dry when I'm dating. It ruins everything and I stop trying because I get so much anxiety because I can feel just how bad I'm doing. I don't know if the population on this site is large enough to cover this topic, but I thought I'd put it out there to get some feedback on how I can shift my thinking on this issue. I fear I'll never be in love or get married or have guy friends in general. It's a little crippling. Any advice? Words of encouragement? Or an explanation on why this is happening???
     
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  2. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Hey - you can feel awkward at any age, believe me. Lol.
    Just realise that men can also feel awkward too, sometimes even more so then us.
     
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  3. Giraffes

    Giraffes Active Member

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    Hi I feel this is very troubling for you, have you easier relationships with male family members? perhaps your wants and fears ie. never knowing love, marriage etc. are stopping you being comfortable and well you, I’ve found my knowing myself and understanding how my thoughts and actions effect my outcomes is a slow process, at times this has led to massive anxiety, depression and low self esteem, I have had long term relationships and been married, I say to you continue to seek advise, explore the path of this problem and please try not to have this ideology that we must have certain things at certain ages, in the pass year (partly due to this forum) I have began to know myself and like myself a little more, good luck with finding solutions to your problem
     
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  4. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    I am just the opposite.
    I feel out of place with women to talk with. Seems we usually have nothing in common so I end up
    not knowing what to say.
    Guys are just more like myself it seems. They have more interests in common so I feel I can be more
    myself. But, it could be a personality gender issue with me.

    Since I am not looking and never have, for marriage, romantic love, a husband or children,
    THAT is not on my mind to create worry.
    Maybe that's why I can be more comfortable with male friends or just guys to talk with.
    I feel a part of the group.

    So maybe practice with guys you don't think about this desire around and become more at ease
    that you might feel less awkward around those you do. Good luck!
     
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  5. Darwin

    Darwin Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This reminds me of a great novel I read, The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang. It is about an aspie woman in her thirties who hired a male escort to teach her how to be a good girlfriend.

    Anyway, I have the same problem with women. Understanding their psychology, and what they need and expect from relationships with men helped me a lot. It gave me more more confidence. Or, if it’s anxiety that makes you awkward, maybe try addressing what exactly causes it. Maybe your psychologist can help you with that.

    I had given up when I was 17, but it was never easy for me. I’m almost completely independent and can actually live on my own, but I had that need to talk to someone and share my life with, so I decided I would do anything to make it happen. I began with reading about women’s psychology, and I have become much better since then. I hope you don’t give up. You have got to admit you are different, and maybe other girls might find it easier, but you should try hard. And that’s fine as long as, hopefully, and eventually, you will succeed.
     
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  6. Wolfgangus Faldestolius

    Wolfgangus Faldestolius Little notes from an armchair

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    Don't stereotype the men either and don't paint your self into corners and don't narrow your repertoire.

    Life in this world is a big oyster and the best will always be unexpected.

    I like cute, awkward types. I also like uncute ones. Anyone that's not out for nonsense in others any more than in themselves. Original and plain thinkers even without much schooling.

    I value women that can be plain friends because we need LOTS of those whether we have "the" One or not. I think deep down that is the case with more men even if they don't admit it. This has to be largely group based. Having said that you don't specifically owe it to continue friendship if you don't want or if there is ambiguity.

    Men & women alike, have been taught to be ashamed of their intellects.

    An OT I met told me most autistic people she meets can't safely use alcohol. Your body = your vehicle for living.

    I mused over my few datings with ladies and concluded that when I resume making the effort, it will be important to:

    - go around doing something we're both interested in whether model railways or an intellectual subject

    - value that separately from getting emotionally hooked or hung up

    - value companionship more than ditto

    - don't put each other or yourself on any spots

    - even when "combining" business with pleasure don't "mix 'em up"

    My parents, before they got engaged, went to theatres and on rambles together and kept their siblings in the loop about everything. After that, they planned the wedding for the few months ahead. It was not lavish by today's standards, but dignified & special for all that. Later, their circles were the same and mum appreciated that say a certain lady was as interested in the same things Dad was writing about, as some men were also.

    Couples & others doing things more or less jointly & severally and not getting in each others' way.

    My mum occasionally had to fend a man off but they quickly twigged she was too straightforward. Dad's strengths were all inner anyway.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2020
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  7. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    Angela, it is not hopeless. When I was in college I was just like you, only I was not able to talk to women. The anxiety would cause me to short circuit, and I felt like a fool because I had no experience dating.

    It may sound ridiculous, but I made a list of things I did not know such as things to do on a date, places to go, dialogue and situations in asking women out on a date. At the same time I critically examined my appearance, weight, fitness, clothing, hair style, etc. I methodically started working on myself, transforming myself into someone women would be attracted to. I also started going out by myself to movies, bars, restaurants, social events to become comfortable in public. I took ballroom dancing lessons, even though the dancing I learned was not popular with people my age. It did help though in interactions socially. I began going to clubs by myself, just to enjoy the music, to drink, and to watch people.

    This went on for a few years, during which time I had a few dates. I was awkward and learned from my mistakes, and kept trying. At some point I gained social competence in interacting with women, about age 28. Women began flirting with me, asking me to dance, inviting me to parties, etc. All of the work I did years earlier paid off.

    I am now 61, and have been married twice. The first marriage was kind of up and down, and lasted two years. The second marriage has lasted almost 28 years and has been less up and down. We have had issues related to undiagnosed ASD-1 and general anxiety disorder, which were formally diagnosed in January this year. Strangely, we are doing better now that my wife and I understand my condition. And I am working on masking my issues with empathy.

    I now enjoy talking with women and have little social anxiety. I currently have no male friends, since my best friend died three years ago. I do have a couple female friends that I confide in, which seems strange, because I don't fit the autistic stereotype. I made myself competent in interacting with women through methodical hard work and learning from every experience. I hope this helps you, and I wish you good luck!
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2020
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  8. Rexi

    Rexi uwu owo uwu SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3 V.I.P Member

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    There was a time when i focused on making male friends and they were really good for interaction, laid back and we had really fun times. I felt they weren't too judgeful, and I felt cool being their friend. I think all of them eventually ended in them at some point being angry or something and me unable to put up with it or being called names. Maybe it was about not understanding each other and sometimes I got called names. Men can be scary, and some can be sweet if you manage to ask them about things that relay their way of thinking, they will never have enough of it. Bujt it also has a negative side if you get into disagreements.

    I believe out there are perfectly able mature gentlemen and I think I have been friends with some. My girlfriend seems to have a nice male friend that I wish i had a friend like him too. There are ones who handle negative feelings well and stay civil. maybe ones who hide them, too. I have talked to some about things they didn't even trust their gfs with, I suppose they confided in me up to a point. I currently have one friend thats mature and nice, and has incredible patience but he is human too. if something bothers him he will say but not in a disrespectful way or angry, just saying his upset and while this may be hard to hear, its appreciated he can stay so contained and respectful in such situations.

    I think men can be a bit over the top with jokes and have offended me, but I can be too, I have offended some women I know for sure with my jokes and perhaps men too.

    I have met very insecure emotional men, seem to have been through tons of suffering, they can get very defensive at times but can also carry in depth conversations about feelings and scan and determine feelings with greater precision, as well as worry needlessly. I think this makes them reach closer to my heart, as well as lay out the real life, it seems like we're talking about real people and real things. But the defensiveness can turn to judging and offending someone's intent and then being and acting angry with them and there is a limit to how much of it i can handle.
     
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  9. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    Im like that with women. Never know what say. Even hi seems akward. Wouldn't really matter if they start the conversation either. Id still be that way. That said if it was me id bare with you. Also maybe try wearing an intersting shirt with something funny on it. Helps break the ice.
     
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