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I don't do love

Alan tm

Well-Known Member
In my 20s mid break down I went to see what was classed as a community nurse I think .

While I was trying to talk ( that didn't last long ) I blurted out .
I dont love my parents.

What i ment was i don't emotionally connect.with people at all .

It was a thing I had realised .

The persons laughter thinking It was some adolescent type mood .
So that laugh shut down that topic .plus I don't think it was thought of as a thing back then..

I'm still emotionally the same now . Its not a phase .
 
I used to have infatuation issues. I don’t feel love as a feeling much for spouses. There are a million things that play into that for me.
 
There are many types of love.
I don't emotionally bond with others. My parents were the only ones I did feel that for.
I can feel much anger and unforgiving. But, that is only if someone really does something to me
that is over the top mean.
Mostly I feel neutral to others although there is an undercurrent of some type of care for all.
As we're all in the same boat as humans.
 
Love is a very complicated and rather tiresome emotion I think.

I must have loved my "parents" at one stage, because when I was 18, I realised I had to unlove them, for my own survival. But perhaps it was a misunderstanding of what love is, because I felt no connection with them, other than that they brought me into the world and quite frankly, no thanks goes to them.

My husband says: I know that you love me in your own way.

A male aspie said to his mother once: I don't love you anymore. She being surprised asked why and he said: because I am getting married and so, my love must go to her.

My husband says that I do not separate traits from the person and I had to face the fact that is accurate and so, it is a daily learning curb for me, as there are many I feel hatred for (not the kind that I could kill), just a sense that they make me angry.
 
My husband says: I know that you love me in your own way.

A male aspie said to his mother once: I don't love you anymore. She being surprised asked why and he said: because I am getting married and so, my love must go to her.
Before they even knew what Autism was or Asperger, my aunt told me in exact words, “Your Father loves you in his own way.” He was the most painful person in my life. I finally set boundaries and loved him carefully but I always grieved the deep love I never felt from him.

My son told me I’d never be his mother that his grandmother is his mother. He did that when He got married. Recently he threatened no contact with all the other family but not me. But when we had a disagreement for the first time,he went noncontact with me. He uses them for somethings and guess as his mother he has no use for me.
I don’t know why he has to “ pick and choose” , “ in or out”. It was the only time I knew Inwas freaking him out. If I did before, he hid it. He was quit and never expressed feelings as a child that were negative. But he didn’t seek hugs or any affirmation either.
 
I don't do connections with others overall. There are only a few people that I ever cared for in one way or another and even when I do, it often feels empty. This emptiness made me think many times that I don't do emotions at all, not only love, but this feeling of wanting them in my life in the end rears its head up when it counts.

I want to remember their favourite drinks and to see them from time to time or just to sit together quietly in the same room. If it's love, hard to say, but at times I do feel comfortable enough with them.

Or I did. Sometimes you realise someone is important to you only when you loose them.
 
Or I did. Sometimes you realise someone is important to you only when you loose them.
I used to laugh about my Grandmothers funny ways. Only as an adult do I realize how much she loved me. She begged my Dad to let me live with her and I should have. She had a better way with children. Dad had said yes. But I was 14 and thought life there would be boring. I was wrong. later .i ended up there three months. But then Dad sent me to a mean Aunt after his divorce. He thought grandma was too old. .Yes, we discount available love.
 
Before they even knew what Autism was or Asperger, my aunt told me in exact words, “Your Father loves you in his own way.” He was the most painful person in my life. I finally set boundaries and loved him carefully but I always grieved the deep love I never felt from him.

My son told me I’d never be his mother that his grandmother is his mother. He did that when He got married. Recently he threatened no contact with all the other family but not me. But when we had a disagreement for the first time,he went noncontact with me. He uses them for somethings and guess as his mother he has no use for me.
I don’t know why he has to “ pick and choose” , “ in or out”. It was the only time I knew Inwas freaking him out. If I did before, he hid it. He was quit and never expressed feelings as a child that were negative. But he didn’t seek hugs or any affirmation either.

Reading this, I can see why nts would feel frustrated with us and my husband also echos what you say. The problem is, that we feel the same way about nts!

It is the way our brains are wired that we cannot in effect, multi task with our brains.

The best thing to do, is to learn as much as you can about aspergers and that way, you will be able to get along with those who have aspergers.

We are very black and white and thus, what goes along with that is: love or hate; like or dislike; happy or unhappy. No in between.

I can only now explain things because since I discovered aspergers, a whole lot of pieces of my personal make up puzzle, suddenly starts coming together.

It is also information I receive from my husband regarding me and I am not one to disagree because it is unsavioury. I will acknowledge the uncomfortable truth, because then it is another piece of the puzzle that comes together.
 
In my 20s mid break down I went to see what was classed as a community nurse I think .

While I was trying to talk ( that didn't last long ) I blurted out .
I dont love my parents.

What i ment was i don't emotionally connect.with people at all .
Yeah, that is actually something I have proposed to my psychologist before as well :oops: . Realistically though, by "I don't love them", I meant that what I feel (if anything) is clearly not what other people normally feel towards parents... It really concerns me that this might mean I'm unable to feel love at all because I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and would expect that if I loved anyone, I would definitely feel it towards them. The way people tend to describe love makes it sound like you should be 100% aware of it if you have it, but it's quite possible that this is usually not the case.

Also, I think the usual advice of "you just haven't met such a person yet" or "you already have it you just don't realize it", are possible. Interpreting my own emotions has always been a complete mystery for me, so I can't really be sure about anything. :rolleyes:
 
Reading this, I can see why nts would feel frustrated with us and my husband also echos what you say. The problem is, that we feel the same way about nts!

It is the way our brains are wired that we cannot in effect, multi task with our brains.

The best thing to do, is to learn as much as you can about aspergers and that way, you will be able to get along with those who have aspergers.

We are very black and white and thus, what goes along with that is: love or hate; like or dislike; happy or unhappy. No in between.

I can only now explain things because since I discovered aspergers, a whole lot of pieces of my personal make up puzzle, suddenly starts coming together.

It is also information I receive from my husband regarding me and I am not one to disagree because it is unsavioury. I will acknowledge the uncomfortable truth, because then it is another piece of the puzzle that comes together.
I’m not so sure i’m an NT though. I’m pretty sure i’m ASD. I think we acted our ASD on each other while not ever knowing what was wrong. No one in my family has an official diagnosis. But suddenly there are four children on the low end of Autism on one side of the family who don’t speak and have to have special intervention. If my son could accept he might be ASD, he might grace me, but I don’t know that he will. But at least you help me hurt less. I’m the same way with feelings. Almost like bipolar. Either creative or in a fetal position. Black and white thinking although Inwork at not having it.
i have a lot of wanting to have things my way. Life is hard.
 
Yeah, that is actually something I have proposed to my psychologist before as well :oops: . Realistically though, by "I don't love them", I meant that what I feel (if anything) is clearly not what other people normally feel towards parents... It really concerns me that this might mean I'm unable to feel love at all because I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and would expect that if I loved anyone, I would definitely feel it towards them. The way people tend to describe love makes it sound like you should be 100% aware of it if you have it, but it's quite possible that this is usually not the case.

Also, I think the usual advice of "you just haven't met such a person yet" or "you already have it you just don't realize it", are possible. Interpreting my own emotions has always been a complete mystery for me, so I can't really be sure about anything. :rolleyes:
People confuse love with crushes and sex. In my early life .i couldn’t figure out the difference. Crush is supposed to turn into love the “experts.” say. Who knows. Never happened for me. I settled for “like”. I know I loved my real mom and grandmother but it was more afterthought after they died. I think Inreally loved my mom maybe. My son says his Grandma is his Mama so maybe he is able to love her. He seems to love his wife.
 
there are a select few people who I have had connection with. these are few and far between though and they don't include my parents.
 
We are very black and white and thus, what goes along with that is: love or hate; like or dislike; happy or unhappy. No in between.
My psychologist has talked about this many times.
To be different wouldn't feel like me. Guess I just don't get the fifty shades of grey in life.
My Mom was the only one I can say I really bonded with and truly loved.
As @I love roses said, I really realized this in hindsight after her death.
Never really thought about it but I didn't feel lonely as long as she was around.
Now I do feel lonely. She was the last of my family and I never married.

Once she asked me when she was getting older, "Don't you love me? You never say I love you or
give hugs."
I answered: " I love you as much as I can anybody." Ouch!
Looking back I know how that was not a good answer.
 
I began to feel love after psychotic break one night in which I believed I had died. If you look at your life and the people in it, then try to feel how it would be without them then those that it would hurt to lose are the ones you love the most. That's how I think of it. There are people that if I thought really hard about losing, my chest starts hurting and I feel like crying so I must really l love them. Then I do my best to let them know how I much I care. Like I'd tell me mom I love her even if it was a random out of nowhere comment. My reasoning is this: if either of us were to die in an instant due to a brain hemorrhage then I don't want the last memory of us to be a fight or disagreement. I think to know love there must be an element of loss involved too.
 
My psychologist has talked about this many times.
To be different wouldn't feel like me. Guess I just don't get the fifty shades of grey in life.
My Mom was the only one I can say I really bonded with and truly loved.
As @I love roses said, I really realized this in hindsight after her death.
Never really thought about it but I didn't feel lonely as long as she was around.
Now I do feel lonely. She was the last of my family and I never married.

Once she asked me when she was getting older, "Don't you love me? You never say I love you or
give hugs."
I answered: " I love you as much as I can anybody." Ouch!
Looking back I know how that was not a good answer.
Oh, goodness Suzanne, pray for me or send good vibes into the ethernet. My son hates me. But I don’t think it is real hate. Is he gonna wake up after I die? The world needs educating. Instead all I see is a new huge wave of narcissist youtube videos. That will not help.
 
I'm sorry , I didn't get updates to this link .

Lots of valued comments here .

This is a difficult topic , it's basically who I am .
Or who I am not .

It's the most common thing I get as feed back .
I'm not sure I put anyone in preference. I do to a point but
It's more familiarity .

Is this state upsetting, yes .

Do I blame myself for relationship difficulties, yes. I have to .

Recently I've come to realise the same situation effects the idea
Of friends. I view most people in one format.

In some relationships I've had to act as care , then I felt I was blank for a
Reason .

I have relationship situations right now that are a ticking bomb .

Sorry for my over long input on this thread .

Lots of strange things are going on right now .
 
People confuse love with crushes and sex. In my early life .i couldn’t figure out the difference. Crush is supposed to turn into love the “experts.” say. Who knows. Never happened for me. I settled for “like”. I know I loved my real mom and grandmother but it was more afterthought after they died. I think Inreally loved my mom maybe. My son says his Grandma is his Mama so maybe he is able to love her. He seems to love his wife.
Yes sex and love , from very early on I put them in separate boxes , even to the point of where I got a really mixed up messages about it all .
 

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