I do not know who I am

[AdamG]

The title says it. I've pushed myself down for so long, hidden myself because every time I saw a tic, or heard a tonal change when talking to me, I adapted to become more acceptable. It didn't work, so I wasn't good enough. So I tried harder.
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Now, I'm 55 and I know who I'm not. I know some things about me. But I worry that even those things are just what I've been telling myself to feel ok.
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I know good things about me. I know I'm a very nice person. I try to diffuse bad situations if I can. I try to uplift people. I'm really smart, so even if something is not a "special interest" I will dabble enough to be dangerous if it is at all interesting. I'm a really good cook.
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Now as I'm letting go of subliminal identification with labels I didn't choose, I am not really losing myself, I'm just not sure which pieces really are me.
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What do I really want out of life? Is it what I thought I wanted? Do I really want that?
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I just don't know. Sort of existential crisis here.

 

[Wolfnox]

Write down everything you believe in a list form along with what makes you happy, sad, and other feelings. Cross out the ones you aren’t or don’t want to be or aren’t comfortable with. What’s left from that should help give you an idea.

 

[Xinyta]

Identity is a tricky thing indeed. I have found that some of what you self-apply will come from others in your life family and/or friends. Either positive or negative. You'll tend to subconsciously mimick certain traits of others. Though what you mimick can be negative to your own identity and even hurt it.

A example from personal experience is have neurotic responses to sudden changes or in the case of choices. I mimicked that from my step-mother.

 

[Wolfiedog]

Aside from cooking, you and i are much alike, Adam.
It is an existentialist crisis. i've always known who and what i am, but kept it mostly buried, except in my fertile imagination.
At this point in life with few obligations, i am trying to get to know the real me. But the circumstances still are not right and it drives me into very, very dark places. To avoid the suicidal path i sometimes walk, i choose rather to sleep. Sometimes up to eighteen hours in a twenty four hour period.
Sometimes i don't know how much longer i can go on.
But i do, one more day.
i'm not trying to be a downer here since we come here looking for solutions and understanding, but rest assured you are not alone in your situation.

 

[AdamG]

Aside from cooking, you and i are much alike, Adam.
It is an existentialist crisis. i've always known who and what i am, but kept it mostly buried, except in my fertile imagination.
At this point in life with few obligations, i am trying to get to know the real me. But the circumstances still are not right and it drives me into very, very dark places. To avoid the suicidal path i sometimes walk, i choose rather to sleep. Sometimes up to eighteen hours in a twenty four hour period.
Sometimes i don't know how much longer i can go on.
But i do, one more day.
i'm not trying to be a downer here since we come here looking for solutions and understanding, but rest assured you are not alone in your situation.

you are not a downer, it is honest and I relate. Yes, I get dark and want to even not live any more. I know that I'm not really like that, I do want to live. But it gets dark sometimes.
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I am envious that you can sleep that much. I can't sleep through the night unless it is a rare night. I'm grateful for just getting up every hour and dozing most of the night.
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I'm really trying to think and speak in a more positive light. Almost everything negative (unless really self defeatist) can be "spun" into a positive light. And this is really hard to keep in mind, I just really want to make it a habit. So ... my battery is running pretty low right now.

 

[1ofakind]

For me, I wish it was okay to be me in society - to be a person with unique needs, processing, responses, etc. and to have value for the positive things I bring to the table. Years of trying to do what society expects gives me anxiety and depression despite my best efforts to fit in. It is hard to know if all my effort and lost identity along the way is worth it. So, I have changed from wanting a successful career and independence to just wanting a safe niche with others where I can use my strengths to be productive and supportive of others - especially those with ND challenges.

My question to you would be what did you think you wanted out of life?

 

[Magna]

For me a big step in "knowing who I am" was making peace with myself and accepting myself. It sounds a bit emotional to me, but, "loving" myself. By doing those things, it helps break down the heretofore lifelong barrier to authenticity. Do I still "know who I am"? More than I used to, but that's still not all that much. Maybe it will end up being a lifelong journey without ever reaching the actual destination. However, isn't "knowing who you are" a lifelong pursuit for everyone to some degree? Enjoy the ride as much as you can.

 

[AdamG]

@1ofakind for a long time, I thought I wanted to get a successful job and have kids. I really want neither of those things. I do want to help my wife with income, I just won't do anything that makes me hide so much again. I don't know what that is. Kids, hahahaha what a laugh. I can't believe I thought that. I love my furkids. And I do like children, so long as I can give them back when I tire. I don't really know how to answer, I'm just really confused right now.
@Magna the biggest thing I've noticed since my self diagnosis is that I stop beating myself up for who I am. Instead of fighting my limitations I am accepting them, and that has me more relaxed in general. I realize that I actually am starting to like and "love" myself. This is definitely a help, but I'm getting to the point that I'm asking "what now?" and getting very scared.

 

[Wolfiedog]

you are not a downer, it is honest and I relate. Yes, I get dark and want to even not live any more. I know that I'm not really like that, I do want to live. But it gets dark sometimes.
.
I am envious that you can sleep that much. I can't sleep through the night unless it is a rare night. I'm grateful for just getting up every hour and dozing most of the night.
.
I'm really trying to think and speak in a more positive light. Almost everything negative (unless really self defeatist) can be "spun" into a positive light. And this is really hard to keep in mind, I just really want to make it a habit. So ... my battery is running pretty low right now.

i don't like sleeping that much, but it is a sign of serious depression. i sleep, wake up, do something, sleep, eat, sleep... But that's only when i get really, really bad. i try to stay busy and not think about it any more than i have to.
At this point in life, i believe i have done by duty to society, suppressed myself for the good of others and played my role. i don't begrudge that. But i do now wish to show myself a little love by showing myself to just be. Just be me.
No harm to anyone else and perhaps share with someone else who enjoys my 'differences' as well.

 

[AdamG]

I was sort of kidding about the sleep envy. I have overslept before and it is just as bad as not sleeping.
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I am more anxious now than depressed, so it swapped out for waking up every time I end REM cycle.
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I guess one thing I would like to do, is not to become an advocate, I'm far too "behind the scenes" for that. But I'd like to do something that helps people who are ND find a safe space, even for in person, to be ourselves without reprisal.
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Sort of a dream, I know starting a ND intentional community or something is outside my scope. But ... it would be grand.
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One thing I've hidden, and there's another story behind this, but I am an intuitive healer as well. I do have a lot of gifts, which is sort of a curse. And I don't want to feel pressured into it but I want to somehow start being more active again with that.

 

[Magna]

This is definitely a help, but I'm getting to the point that I'm asking "what now?" and getting very scared.

Allow yourself not only to "be yourself" (ie finding out who you "are"), but also to just...be. Try as hard as you can to enjoy each day by trying to be "in the moment", the "now".

 

[1ofakind]

I was sort of kidding about the sleep envy. I have overslept before and it is just as bad as not sleeping.
.
I am more anxious now than depressed, so it swapped out for waking up every time I end REM cycle.
.
I guess one thing I would like to do, is not to become an advocate, I'm far too "behind the scenes" for that. But I'd like to do something that helps people who are ND find a safe space, even for in person, to be ourselves without reprisal.
.
Sort of a dream, I know starting a ND intentional community or something is outside my scope. But ... it would be grand.
.
One thing I've hidden, and there's another story behind this, but I am an intuitive healer as well. I do have a lot of gifts, which is sort of a curse. And I don't want to feel pressured into it but I want to somehow start being more active again with that.

I've fantasized about that...creating a safe place (physical) for ND people...free from manipulation and bullying. A thoughtful, caring place where NDs can be themselves without reprisal. A place where everyone used their strengths to support one another's weaknesses. It WOULD be grand!

Interesting that you are an intuitive healer. Seems like that might also contribute to anxiety due to sensitivities. Tapping into your gifts is important for identity and self-fulfillment. What have you done with healing or your other gifts that made you feel good (If it is okay to ask)?

 

[AdamG]

I've fantasized about that...creating a safe place (physical) for ND people...free from manipulation and bullying. A thoughtful, caring place where NDs can be themselves without reprisal. A place where everyone used their strengths to support one another's weaknesses. It WOULD be grand!

Interesting that you are an intuitive healer. Seems like that might also contribute to anxiety due to sensitivities. Tapping into your gifts is important for identity and self-fulfillment. What have you done with healing or your other gifts that made you feel good (If it is okay to ask)?

I'll focus on the healing thing, because it was the only thing that actually was bad for me for a different reason. I had to hide that one because people started asking me and at first no problem but I"m not a vending machine.
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So ok. What I did that is good with that, if I am doing it in any real way, it just moves through me. If I try to control it then it is ego and ends up not being so great, or will need more work to rebalance how things weren't quite right. So I've been good at just letting my hands do whatever they want, and feel the energy flows underneath.
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The most obviously effective thing I did was when my sister got a Brown Recluse bite I healed it with no scarring almost overnight. This was (I figured) a mistake because she told her neighbors and they started harassing me with injuries. So I kind of had to stop. Or do it in a less effective way so it wouldn't seem like I was magic.
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but as a kid my mom would come to me with back pain and I'd take it away by playing with her hands.
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Basically, I just want people around me to not be in pain.

 

[AdamG]

ok so the healing thing has a longer story. I actually did get certified and licensed as a massage therapist. I tried so hard to work and make money at it. but no way.
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but this was just to make it "socially acceptable". When I was on, I was great. Because I did the massage, and the other stuff just happened.
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also studied cranio-sacral, and myofascial techniques, as they are less structured and more intuitive by nature. It gave me words and a few basic techniques so it wasn't bad.

 

[1ofakind]

What were the obstacles that kept you from making money at being a massage therapist? I have my ideas knowing the challenges of the autism spectrum, but I don't want to make any wrong assumptions. In your mind (Not society's), what would a healing job look like where you could make the money you want for your wife without compromising your needs and well-being?

I ask because I'm also trying to "know who I am" and my purpose in this world. I'm trying to figure out the obstacles that hold me back. Seems like there must be solutions even if situations need to be thought of and/or handled in a totally unique way (Outside of society's norms). I'm also trying to learn what kind of boundaries I need that are perhaps atypical (Such as for my space issues) and how to maintain those boundaries even if they are not understood by the norm...anything so I can be true to myself (While still respectful of others).

 

[AdamG]

As you may have guessed, it was about sitting around bored and wanting to go home because of it, and then getting a walk-in and having to switch gears and "get in the head space" to actually do it on demand.
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If I had my druthers, I'd only take appointments a week ahead of time so I could prepare properly in advance. And you know, the public. In general.
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I also want to be able to walk up to someone and have the option of saying "mind if I do something? I see some discomfort". But ... hahaha right.

 

[1ofakind]

Just thought of this too. I suppose, and it will take more time to digest, but I put some of my healing desire into cooking. Always loved cooking. Offering food is generally accepted. And it is pleasing, and nutritious, and can help with certain issues if the right foods are used. So there is that.

I think that is a great idea! Wish I had all your gifts and intelligence. Maybe that's the biggest challenge in trying to figure out who you are. Many of us are stuck with trying to make one gift work (If any) and you have too many to choose from.

 

[AdamG]

I think that is a great idea! Wish I had all your gifts and intelligence. Maybe that's the biggest challenge in trying to figure out who you are. Many of us are stuck with trying to make one gift work (If any) and you have too many to choose from.

That's just the thing. I'm brilliant and it is frustrating because people say "you can do whatever you want".
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First of all, that is wrong. There are a lot of things I cannot do. And am not good at as well.
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For another, no I cannot because there is no time!!!
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Yeah, too many choices.
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Also people expect FAR too much out me, just because I'm smarter than them. I'm under no obligation to use it for them.

 

[AdamG]

(sigh) it would be easier if I was able to be around noises and people more. I love to cook, but there is no way I'd work in a kitchen (for money). There is catering, but I'd have to find one or two people to advertise me word of mouth, and eventually they'd like it (I am a good cook) and I'd be overwhelmed by it and ruin the one thing I love.

 

[1ofakind]

I don't want to minimize your struggles. I also think being brillant can make it much more difficult to connect with others (On top of autism). Society often stifles brilliance and can't appreciate the insight because it is beyond their comprehension. That can be difficult along with unrealistic expectations. From an autism spectrum perspective, I do understand what it is like to have people not grasp my challenges due to my intelligence. I
was just trying to focus on what you can do rather than what you can't do.

I wonder if it is possible to think out of the box regarding your cooking possibilities (Or any other possibilities)? Instead of looking at it as other catering businesses are run, is there a way to set it up so that you wouldn't get so overwhelmed? Maybe you would create a limited product? Maybe your catering would be limited to a certain number of days a month? I was even wondering how many places have medicinal type food preparation. Don't limit yourself. You can set and maintain the parameters you need to be healthy. Just thinking.

I'm also wondering if some of your self-defeating talk and lack of identity is not only a result of push back from society for your differences, but also from family. Those of us on the autism spectrum raised in abusive households have a double whammy in regards to figuring out our worth and identity.