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Featured I can't cope being a single parent

Discussion in 'Parenting & Autism Discussions' started by taruga, Oct 5, 2018.

  1. taruga

    taruga Active Member

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    Most days it's me and my daughter.
    It makes me sad , I can't cope she no longer sees her dad as I believe he was doing more harm than good. My break comes when she's at nursery but that causes just as much time anxiety and people anxiety with the times she goes in n out .

    I'm struggling with cooking and creating a plan that keeps going. Her tantrums are sometimes so bad the noise has made me lash out. The intensity of it all is too much. I'm starting to regularly meltdown or emotionally overload .

    I realise my faults but at times I try to rectify them she continues to push me.

    Peep tell me how good I am and how easy I make it all look but I'm being ripped in two inside. The side that wants to give her up and the side that knows how much damage it'll cause.

    Sometimes just the smells of children like when she yet again has decided to pooh on the floor or gone to sleep with it can make me crumble act irrationally / freaked . ( this started when at her dad's and I've appeared not to be able to win at helping her with this , )

    Before I got pregnant I had major crisis then whilst pregnant I had services involvement that although they changed there minds knocked my last bit of confidence and took away my own trust in myself to parent. I spent the whole first two years doing everything because if I didn't I panicked I was neglecting her. I burnt myself out all over again.

    I wish I never had her;, I can't deal accept or love being a mum. I never wanted it but my sister encouraged me to, I realise now she never really understood my reasoning for not wanting a child and certainly not as a single parent. It's turned me into a vile disgusting human being.

    I can't cope with the noise ,demand ,mess lack of space , disorganization, inability to organise myself n this house and most of all I truly feel sad when I'm forced to be around her.

    I think I should put her up for adoption but it's already ruined my life . I'm full suicidal thoughts all the time. I never used to be so negative .

    Apparently my health visitors are in the middle of an intervention because they feel I'm better off staying with this child. I don't believe it Any more. I don't know what to do
     
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  2. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    Where is the Dad? And how old is your daughter?
     
  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Taruga. I was a single parent with autism, but didn't know I had autism. I was never cut out to be a parent. It was hard dealing with the screaming babies that you can't seem to calm down. I remember a couple times having to put my colicky son in his crib and walk out and shut the door. The more stressed I got, the more they screamed and I finally learned to take deep breaths and relax and they would calm down, too. As they grew into toddlers with their tantrums and potty training and trying to get them to eat and the dirty clothes and toys scattered everywhere and it never ending - 24/7 with no breaks. No weekend dad to send them to, just me. People used to tell me what a great job I was doing and how strong I was, etc, etc. I would respond that I didn't really have a choice. One day I was reading a Max Lucado book and he was saying that I did have a choice, I could have abandoned them, drove them into a lake, given them up or whatever, but I did have a choice and I chose to do my best with them. My best was far from perfect. As hard as it was, I also knew how fortunate I was that I was the one who would get to raise my children and teach them and love them and I always knew how easily and quickly they could be gone.
    I can't tell you what's best for you and your child, but I do understand the burn out and feeling of crisis. It does get easier, if you can get through the toddler years. Find something that will help you calm yourself, call someone, get your sister or someone to babysit and give you a break. Anything you can do to hold it together. If you feel you can't do it and you and your child be safe, check into foster care and don't allow yourself to be compared to someone else. Only you know what you are capable of and what you are able to do. I know mother's who have elected for someone else to take the child and things turned out okay. Only you can make that decision - either way, it's been done and you won't be the only one to ever have made the choice wither way. Wish I could help in some way because, like I said - I know the struggle.
     
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  4. taruga

    taruga Active Member

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    Thank you for your lovely reply . If my sister that said she would support me was around I would ask but she's never babysat for me once despite her promises to help me not feel like this. These were some of my main concerns and why I wanted abortion. My other sister helps when poss but she lives a 3.5hr drive away. I do not drive as I'm scared of cars.

    I get no one is perfect, everyone's to different to ever be. I often quiver when she calls me mum. Im ashamed to call myself a mum. I'm ashamed to be a mum. Why did my sister insist on me changing my life this way. Esp when I told her my mental health was bad. I child deserves better and I'm so upset by everything. I was horrified at my pregnancy, I've never felt so disgusted to look and feel of myself . I broke down nearly everyday and it hasn't stopped since. It feels like a living hell.
     
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  5. sarepta

    sarepta Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Do you live somewhere where it's possible to get some help? Taking the load off your shoulders for a while?
     
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  6. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Not so well known member of anything V.I.P Member

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    You need someone to help you decide what to do, and not a family member.
    I think some people can handle being a parent and some cannot. Putting your child up for adoption, if that is what you decide is best, isn’t the terrible thing everyone says it is. I have a relative that was adopted at a young age and she thrived and is now a happy adult.
    If you can’t handle raising a child that doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
    Maybe your sister would like to adopt her niece? Or take her for a few months? Isn’t she the one that thinks babies are so wonderful?
    I’m sorry you are going through this.
     
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  7. Creep

    Creep The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

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    :( Where are those pro-birthers when you need them? This is why I never tell my family anything: crappy advice. It’s evident you love this child; otherwise, you wouldn’t give a damn. You need & deserve access to the services of a relief nursery, at the very least.
     
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  8. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Whatever your decision is, your child will always be thankful you did not get an abortion, so be proud of that fact. Talk to an adoption agency or a professional. Let someone help you decide what is best for the child and I agree with @BraidedPony - definitely not a family member. Family members always think they know you but can only see you in whatever light they've always seen you and it doesn't change as you change. It doesn't cost or obligate you in any way to make a phone call to check into foster care or adoption, then you can decide from there. You could also talk to a pastor of a nearby church. Some congregations can be very helpful.
     
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  9. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise tangent wizard

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    Also want to add that if you do look into foster care, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to give your child up forever, and it certainly doesn't mean you can't remain a part of her life.

    Foster care can be temporary (at least that possibility is supposed to exist....sometimes practices of the agencies that provide it are not in line with whatever is written in their regulations and policy manuals), to get families through difficult times.

    Sometimes there is also the option of respite care, which means that the child is in foster care for short periods of time (like weekends or for a few weeks) just to give the parent(s) breaks, rather than the child being taken into continuing care in the foster system.

    And, whether kids are in temporary foster care or not, birth parents typically have visitation rights with their children if they want to remain a part of their child's life .

    Also, in systems that offer temporary voluntary care agreements (at least where I grew up....I am thinking it may be similar in other places but I don't actually know -- it would be worth looking into; Regulations and policy manuals for the agencies that oversee foster care are often available online) birth parents still retain certain guardianship rights so they continue to have some say in important aspects of how their child is raised even though the smaller day to day decisions are made by foster parents and the agency that oversees the foster care system.
     
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  10. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Active Member

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    Why do you blame your sister? Is she the one that had unprotected sex with a man that turned out to be no good? Is she the one that made the decision to keep the child?

    A child is either a dream or a living hell of your own making. At this point you can salvage the situation but you seem to already be past the stage where instilling good behaviour is easy. Now it will be a struggle to change those bad behaviors.

    I suggest you try to reason more with the kid. Whether temper tantrums or crapping on the floor, these are things that must have some reasoning behind it. Freaking out about these things is extremely counterproductive, when you lose your cool you lose your authority and that's when there's trouble.

    Pretty much all people have children when they shouldn't, are horrible parents and are abusive to their children. Don't feel too bad about it. There's plenty of people out there doing worse.
     
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  11. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I suppose the guy had nothing to do with it.
    I used to HATE when I'd hear things like, "You made your bed, now lie in it". It's not that simple. Being a female on the spectrum is very difficult, and whereas none of us knows correctly how to handle every situation, it's easy for us to find ourselves in a very uncomfortable bed because we can be so gullible and unable to defend or take control of things. We're easily talked into things, easily manipulated and sometimes don't know how to just say no. It's one of a female on the spectrum's biggest difficulties. Ok, we made our bed, but sometimes we need help fixing it because we don't know how.
    So, @AloneNotLonely , you seem to be a pretty nice person, but I take it you have no children, so how can you possibly know what any of this is like?
     
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  12. taruga

    taruga Active Member

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    Its only recently that I learnt that this is what happens and that actually people manipulate like they do. And this is because I learnt via her dad and through therapy . It's made me uncomfortable in everything I do , my sexuality I've come to terms with as gay but always find flirtation difficult to read understand and pull off .

    I'm awaiting some extra help but it's only for 6 months . My hv wants me to hold on till I get more official help as she thinks it will releive me enough to see this through.

    I didn't want children. I had an abortion booked . My concerns were each valid and for each one I'm struggling with. My sister rest assured me it was all in my head and I wouldn't feel that way. That if I needed to go college , volunteer or just time out she'd be there no matter what. Instead I'm left holding a baby a house no job and no ability to make it all work.

    As time has gone by I've lost my want to keep reading about development and he involved . I was obsessed with reading and trying to follow at one point. I've lost interest in trying to play with her as it feels like everything is a mental battle . I can't handle put up with or do that ****. I don't do pretend play and can't figure that stuff . I can't cope with being pulled around and sometimes just the hanging off me and surprising me with it is enough to make me react without thought . I've become a worse mum as time has moved. Being a mum has turned me into a selfish horrible person I've never felt such negativity for so long like this.

    I'm really starting to believe that giving her up will be best for her . I don't want her to go to family. My other sister that actually helps has good intention but has a real streak to her. One which she nailed on me as a child and is coming out in my darkest moments.

    Thank you for your lovely replies . I'm dreading tomorrow as the week as been he'll. My hormones are knocking me more into psycho land .

    Feel like I'm caught in a catch 22 emotional war
     
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  13. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
     
  14. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    So, I'm not an expert, but I would give them up for adoption if you can. I have a family that doesn't love me. I have a mom and dad who absolutely hated me growing up. I had parents who wanted an abortion. I had parents who weren't ready for a child.

    It destroyed my life. Right now I have PTSD. I wouldn't wish my life on anybody. ANYBODY. Not even my worst enemy.

    I would have loved to be adopted. Anything was better than what I went through. it was a personalized hell. Every moment was agony.

    So, if you feel like giving up your children is your best option, do it.

    Children are a life long responsibility. If you're not ready to take care of them, then you shouldn't take care of them. This is a human's life in your hands. Don't ruin it.

    You're not going to "get used" to raising kids. Every moment counts, especially when their toddlers. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you legit hate your kid....that damage will last a life time. Trust me.

    I dunno how adoption works, but I think it's worth looking up. Yeah you'll feel guilty about it. However, this isn't about you right now. It's about the kid's. Do what you think is the best choice FOR THEM. if that means adoption, then so be it.

    Good luck! It's hard, but I think you can figure it out.
     
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  15. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Active Member

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    Nice? Me?! That has to be a joke. Maybe ethical? Well... that's kinda stretching the meaning of the word ethical for most people.

    So what you are saying... is that Autistic men don't have any of these issues? As if Autistic men don't have trouble saying no or aren't easily manipulated? My point wasn't even "you made your bed, now lie in it". The point was... why blame someone else for decisions that you ultimately made? Why harbor resentment towards someone that was... at worst... being stupid and ignorant?

    I know how it is because you cannot understand the importance of choices if you do not analyze them completely. I can't deal with changing diapers and having a crapping, puking, screaming baby around. But if I were to suddenly be stuck with one... well... you have to deal with it. I mean... it sucks... but what else can you do but to just keep moving on. Maybe I'm not the best at changing diapers and cleaning up puke right now, but when there's an opportunity to learn then I'm just going to have to.

    I've dealt with situations that I thought were literally the worst thing that could happen to me... in hindsight... it wasn't. In each of those situations I dropped the anxiety and just dealt with things as they came. The world is not going to end and I wasn't going to die, so just learn and handle it. Whenever I feel like I can't handle something... I just do it. When I don't... I'm running around with my hands in my hair going "I can't handle this". It's a rather unproductive way to handle things. Ugh I need to stop using the word handle.

    All I know is... if you are going to stop... do it quickly. Babies tend to be easily adopted (lord knows why, I'd only adopt a kid right after the "crapping in diapers" phase) while older kids become more difficult to place.
     
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  16. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Okay. Maybe you're not nice. LOL I don't really know - but you usually sound fairly nice in things you comment. I appreciate your explanation and I could have mis-emphasized the wrong words in your first paragraph of your first post and I felt the need to protect someone going through a very difficult time - and being a mom, myself, am always defensive of other moms - especially moms on the spectrum.
    I was trying NOT to imply that only females experience being weak, but I know from my own experience how weak we, as females, are. (I can't speak for the men.)
    Most of what I had written was for Taruga's benefit, as having lived and forced to live in the bed I made and being told that over and over. And I have allowed other's to persuade me into things I didn't want to do and knew it would be a mistake but the person doing the persuading was someone I used to admire and look up to and could have convinced me of just about anything. My brother talked me into something 30 years ago and I knew it was a mistake, but I trusted him and thought he knew much more than I did, so I followed his advice. 30 years later, that decision has done nothing but create problems and ended up causing severe problems for one of my kids and I orphaned myself from my siblings. I now see he's always been just manipulative and the only thing he cares about is financial gain. So, yes, I blame him. Sure it was partly my fault for following his advice instead of my feeling of it being a terrible mistake, but he seemed so convincing and had answers to everything I questioned - I just didn't know of possible future problems.
    I've also always handled things because I had no other choice, so we're a lot alike in that way.
    Sorry, if I made you feel defensive, but it's a sensitive area for me because I had way more criticism for my parenting skills than support and it made it 100 times harder. I didn't make my kids eat vegies (because I don't like them either) and other parents actually scolded me for that. I was blamed for anything and everything my kids did no matter how hard I tried to keep them from doing things. I was one absence away from being put in jail myself because my mother was picking my daughter up from school every time she called her with lame excuses and I was not made aware of it - but I would have been the one to go to jail because of it. So many things that have made me defensive to other mom's and the biggest is blaming. So I ask you accept my apology.
     
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  17. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Active Member

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    Whaaaaat?

    Did I sound offended at all? You can say whatever you want to say. I'm crude and rude myself, I appreciate such honesty. And you weren't even being crude and rude. I just like to argue. When I argue I'm not offended, I'm just doing what I like.

    So here's something I'm curious about, and perhaps it would help OP aswell...

    In the end, would you say you made the right choice? Was it all worth it? Are you happy in the end that you raised your kids? Did they end up in a good place in life?
     
  18. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes, yes, yes and yes. Ever hear the saying, "I'd go to hell and back for my kids"? I think you actually do because it can be become hell raising them and then once they're grown you're back. LOL I never regretted my decision and my kids are wonderful people with kids of their own and I just sit back at times and laugh at them. LOL

    Funny - you like to argue, we both appreciate honesty and I feel as long as someone is laughing there's not a threat. (I've never seen anyone become violent while they are laughing.) :)
     
  19. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Active Member

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    So when all was said and done, it turned out society was wrong and you were right.

    A common result.
     
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  20. taruga

    taruga Active Member

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    And This is how I know I posted in the right place .

    But also yes dispute all my reasons for wanting abortion my sister who yes I looked up to and trusted their opinion and well just like that figured they knew more then me so when they tell me it's not like that and it'll be different because it's your own , and that I wouldn't be alone in this and that all my concerns about not being able to peruse my career choice , and the way I would feel about things would not be a problem . When in fact my thoughts and feelings were bang on the nose and right. But when it happened I was in a vulnerable place mentally . My sister did not respect my ability to peruse my career and told me this after my daughter came to be .... So she figured it was better than nothing. She knew how difficult this would be and that once it in it that it screwed for life yet still encouraged me to give up my freedom. The thing she knew I valued the most. So yeah I am blaming her. Because a life deserved something to be special not dragged through mental health badness which I explained to her I was in **** with.

    I prefer honesty and she was not honest with me!!!

    As for getting on with it there is only so much forcing you can do 3 years on I'm out of steam and suicidal about the fact she exists and I allowed it.