I broke up with my girlfriend because she overcommunicates and wouldn't give me space

[megacomic]

Now I feel terrible. I suffer from a delayed emotional response so when I’m given an intense line of questions in rapid succession my emotions get mixed up and shut down. She often sends me 30-40 texts a day many of them with really intimate and intense questions. When that happens it’s like a weird system reboot where my emotions are just completely shut off. So in those moments I truly feel nothing. Some Aspies have meltdowns, I have shutdowns.
It’s an emotional detachment that I really have to work on. In the meantime it’s in everyone’s best interests not to poke or prod me in that state of mind. In a shutdown state I can’t remember too much, I can’t process well. I go into an overload. It’s why when I was spending too much time at her place I kept asking for space. At the time she didn’t seem willing to give me that space because she was sick and wanted me to be there for her, which as I know as her boyfriend at the time was a completely understandable demand. I felt trapped at her place for days and really messed up my normal routine. However I ended up in a disregulated state of extreme distress and I broke up with her. I know she wanted to make me feel comfortable at her place but it just wasn’t the same.
In my perspective that didn’t just come out of nowhere but was actually me rebooting and the floodgates of emotions bursting open. But I could see how from her perspective it seems sudden. I don’t often like to talk about these things as I feel my process is my personal business.
It’s also imperative for me as an Aspie to communicate my needs and learn how to process emotions in a healthier way that does not alienate the people I love. Did I overreact?

 

[Monachopia]

It's hard to say whether you overreacted... But from a first glance there are several issues going on... One being that - and please don't take it the wrong way - maybe she isn't quite the person for you. She may be a fantastic lady, but, we on the spectrum value our space and time alone. She seems like the kind of girl that needs constant emotional support and reaffirmation, constant chatter. There's nothing wrong with that, but it goes quite some way against our nature. While I live with an extrovert - he understands my need for personal space and goes out with his friends or does a hobby by himself, when I ask him for some time to myself. It goes very much against the sort of person he is, but, I give him lots of attention when I am able - so we compromise and it works.

The other issue is your shutdowns... I know these too well... I also don't have meltdows, but emotional shutdowns when getting overwhelmed. All emotions cease and my brain goes into a weird state where I can't retain much information. The thing is, I know this response is from a deeper, much more distant issue and probably more linked to depression and trauma. Do you know the root cause? Because this response can be lessened with some therapy, trying to find why you can't let yourself feel and disassociate. What triggers you and why do you think that it does?

At the end of the day... people demand attention and we have to do our best to balance their needs and our needs. I can see you tried, you willingly went to spend time at her house even though it disrupted your routines. Would there have been a way to find a middle-ground? Would she be willing to listen and find a compromise?

 

[SameStars]

I really understand where you are coming from... and maybe it's for the best.

She sounds like a very intense, emotion-driven person, that didn't really understand your boundaries. Feeling trapped is not a good sign. What you could have tried before breaking up was talking about your needs and her needs (as both are legit and both sides could perhaps be met once there was a place of understanding) and having clear communication. Communication is so important. She might not understand you at all, and would need to be made aware and reminded: which can be exhausting also. There are always (minor) problems and misunderstandings in relationships, but as long as you're able to talk about them with your partner, so as to grow and improve together in the future; it's still a healthy relationship.

 

[All-Rounder]

I have the same issue with my boyfriend who is on the spectrum, for 2 years now we have tried to deal with it. He kept breaking up with me because of probably the same mechanics and he would say it's because of stress, especially when stress also comes from outside our relationship.

Stress has been coming from the relationship almost always, and I sometimes get into the behavior that you are describing your gf is displaying, to this day. Im a terrible space giver and he is stubborn he doesn't want to ask me or push me to give him space, he probably wants me to do it on my own. I honestly would rather abstain from asking or giving cuddles [he prefers i give than i ask for them lately, though if i dont get them back it can be an issue if i start panicking and feeling it's one sided, questioning whether hes gonna break up with me again and worrying about what hes thinking and what he feels toward me, needing stability of commitment and reassurance]. I have to calm myself which is very hard but these things you are saying explain it perfectly for him.

He used to keep saying to me 'im wired differently' and that made me understand when it was an issue that stemmed from his autism and not a problem with his feelings. [although maybe he had problems with his feelings now that I see the way you explain it, he said he doesn't love me enough sometimes and that he doesn't have feelings like other ppl do from what he observed]

He has been so good to me, offered me affection and even asked for it from me when i was trying to not give it. He cant do it still after arguments and it is still difficult because I need it so much especially then, and he can still not promise he wont break up with me which hurts, especially that he previously focused on others then comes back to me and he wont tell me that wont happen anymore, so i feel theres nothing i can do and often question if he needed to destress why did he go and be with other people. He once even told me he moved on from me but came back. I really wish I could have stability with him and a lifetime relationship, no matter if he is cold for months, if hes still gonna want me and be with me after.

I despise breakups. I stayed with him when i got skin rashes from stress, i wouldn't ever let go so sometimes I wondered why he wont do the same for me. I guess he cant, but I still am let down that he sleeps with others when he needs to breakup from being stressed. I don't understand it.

I think you have to work on your issues first and stay single [thats what my bf did], and then when you are ready maybe give it another try [though dont even dare to show off with what you worked on, it can give her hope for things and when they fail she might be hurt, feel lied to and disappointed], either with her but if you can find a more fitting person it may be better for both. I say this even though I know I would do near anything to get back with my boyfriend if he splits but indeed it is very hard for both if personalities clash. I have no doubt your girlfriend wants the best for you and that its hard for her to be away from you and same for you now, and that you want to make it work, but you have to be very careful and make sure she understands everything about you even if communicating is full of misunderstandings, you have to be patient and keep discussing serious matters multiple times. But watch out, such discussions can affect you and shut down your feelings, basically every serious talk we had lead to breakup, I think it drained him and me being frustrated with how things are wasn't easy for him.

Whenever you decide to go back to her I suggest you ask her or try to find out from a good source if she has a boyfriend or interest before ruining her chances to move on. This happened to me and I felt powerless, I really wanted to move on but knowing that he was interested in me again ruined it for me, no matter how much more potential the new guy had and how much I liked him and he was interested in me. If shes moving on, let her.

 

[BraidedPony]

i would have broken up with her by the third intense question text. and i wouldnt even consider that overreacting.
Dont blame yourself for needing space, it is a good quality to know your needs and limits.
clingy needy girls arent your type.

 

[Judge]

"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt."

Did I overreact? I've had more than 30 years to think about that screwup. Yeah, in my case I overreacted. Though at the time there was this one nagging little caveat to it all. Neither I or she had a clue at the time that I could be on the spectrum of autism.

Yes, we got back together again, but then months later she dumped me and never looked back.

It's my fault, and I've had to live with this mistake.

 

[Juliettaa]

She often sends me 30-40 texts a day many of them with really intimate and intense questions.

^^^^^^^ That alone would be a valid reason for me to break any relationship, so I don't think you overreacted at all.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Emotionally detached people tend to attract the opposite side of the spectrum: overly clingy, emotionally enmeshed kind of people. Neither of these extremes are healthy, especially when it comes to relationships. In order to establish trust and intimacy, you have to be open with your emotions but also have boundaries in place. Your ex didn't seem to have boundaries with you, and that made you feel suffocated.

On the other hand, it's probably wise for you to not have any kind of serious relationships until you learn how to deal with your emotions and communicate them. A therapist will be able to help with that, if you can afford one.

 

[megacomic]

thanks for your replies. Im currently giving it some time to see if I just feel guilty or do I really want her back. I don't know what happens next but I know it'll be for the best.

 

[tlc]

I don't think you overreacted. I had become pretty clear that she required you to give up more of yourself than you felt good about. I don't think it's right to expect someone to change who they are for you. Don't drag it out, it just hurts more the longer it goes on. Besides it's not the end of the world, you two can still talk about it you want to and decide if it was the best thing to do.

I split up with someone after an 800 mile trip where she never stopped talking. I got to where I coudn't even see straight or concentrate on driving. I didn't want to be mean and interrupt and say shut up, but I'd like to think that when the conversation is one sided for hours, it would stop at some point. I said something when we got back, and we were just too far apart for a compromise that way. That's who she was.

I've had the trapped feeling several times before, and after I learned the one-sided-ness was never going to change, I was done. Only a few people have ever lived with me. Other than that, I was always the one expected to spend my time at her place while my home life went abandoned. I often asked and still they ever wanted to come to my house, they always had an excuse like their life was more important than mine.

 

[All-Rounder]

thanks for your replies. Im currently giving it some time to see if I just feel guilty or do I really want her back. I don't know what happens next but I know it'll be for the best.

This is actually the only thing I forgot to mention, I thought about it at night but then I didn't remember it anymore the next morning. Im glad youre giving it thought about the reasons you want to get back with her.