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Featured I am a sore loser with aspergers but I have anger and violence issues

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Turbocks, Jun 16, 2020.

  1. Turbocks

    Turbocks Active Member

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    I am a 19 year old teenage boy with aspergers and this is a problem I am going to discuss I have had for the longest time so ever since childhood I have had difficulties accepting losing or failing at video games.

    I remember getting very angry and sometimes I even hit myself such as in the head when losing a battle in Pokémon games or in kung fu panda on the Xbox 360.

    I am not sure if it's because of my aspergers or if it's simply the fact that I was never taught as a child to accept losses .

    There are certain games I can play with no issues and that includes peaceful games like animal crossing new horizons or puzzle games such as professor Layton.

    What I can't handle very well are any types of competitive shooters such as tf2 or other competitive online games such as pokemon showdown because not only do I constantly scream obscene words I also frequently use violence and at one point I accidentally broke my glasses because of a severe ragequit in tf2 so I had to lie to my dad that I tripped on the floor and broke my glasses.

    What happens to me when I play these types of games is that I also develop a huge superiority complex where I feel the need to insult the opponent by screaming obscenities at them when I feel they are doing poorly or doing better than me but I would never do it ingame because I am not that big of a jerk and I just do it to release my anger onto something outside the game so insulting them in the game is pointless and might get me banned.

    It's not just losing games that can cause me to lose my patience it can also be when certain apps act up such as the time I broke the upper screen on my Nintendo 3ds with my kneecap in pure rage because the YouTube app would simply not stop crashing which was eventually fixed in a later patch.

    Rainbow islands is an old arcade game I get very violent about when losing mostly because it's insanely hard if not impossible on the later levels even though I practiced on it for over a year getting decent at it and only beating it this year with savestates on an emulator.

    Eventually what tends to happen after a while of raging at the game is that I just get sick off it or even better a ragequit and I do something else such as watching cartoons or simply playing peaceful games.

    And yes I am fully aware it's just a game
    but that won't stop these issues from appearing just because somebody said it's just a game.

    At this point the best thing I can do is get help from psychologist because I feel they are best equipped to help people like me.

    Are there things about having aspergers that can trigger this sort of behaviour or is it something completely different that I was not aware even existed?

    Are there any other people here besides me that have these types of issues when it comes to being a store loser.

    In short I have always had an incredibly short fuse in general and I have no idea what to do at this point.
     
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  2. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't think it is solely due to autism. Many NTs have anger/violence issues, too. Being on the spectrum might mean you have trouble regulating your emotions or recognizing when you're getting excessively worked up about something. Counseling would help you get a grip on it. If you can sense that you are about to lose control, then please get up, walk away, and avoid gaming till you cool down.
     
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  3. Els

    Els Active Member

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    There are a lot of gamers who have that, some more than others. Some can self regulate while I've seen others screaming and getting overly tensed (to the point I left the room because I dislike people getting physically violent). Games in general (not only video games) can affect people a lot - or not.
    I noticed I get more angry when I loose if I took the game too seriously and put a lot of investment in it. I'm so frustrated that the efforts didn't matter and weren't rewarded. The more I give and invest, the more I'll get frustrated. If I'm more detached I care less about the outcome. Whenever I loose I also know I can restart and try more and become better, so I'm less bothered if I think about starting again and getting better (that's not good about addiction through). I get more angry if my goal is to win than if my goal is to learn and just get better and increase my level, winning becomes less important because it wasn't my main goal. If winning was the main/only goal, I'd also get very distressed and frustrated. Whenever I feel I start getting frustrated - even slightly - I stopped.

    There are many people talking to each other quiet "badly" in games. Is it possible that it's just a behaviour you learned and mimic that?

    I don't play video games anymore because I get too addicted through. I can watch people playing but playing myself isn't an option.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
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  4. Matthias

    Matthias Well-Known Member

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    I used to have a major anger problem. In my case, I was angry with the way my parents treated me but I was passive and suppressed my anger. I found out that caused me to release my anger elsewhere where I felt safer to express it. I was also angry with other people because I used to misunderstand people all the time due to stress which probably also contributed to having a short fuse. I read that it's common for people who repress their emotions to end up expressing them elsewhere. Now that I'm assertive and understand people better, I hardly ever get angry.
     
  5. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Aye, alot of gamers do this.

    Honestly I think the best way to get past it is to look for the advantages in a loss, instead of looking at it as only being pure defeat.

    I've been into fighting games for a long time. I got good at them. Abnormally good. But I only got that good because I allowed myself to accept and learn from losses, which is something that ANY pro player (of any type of game) has to be able to do.

    But also, I learned just what affect anger has on performance. When you get angry and start shouting... you've ALREADY lost. It's over. You just threw away whatever chance you had at victory, most likely. I saw this ALOT with the fighting games. Whenever my opponent would start to shout and drop f-bombs, that'd be my cue to go all-out on offense.... because I knew that my opponent's defense had completely shattered. A very easy victory for me, every single time that happened. And again, this is something that any high-level player needs to know. If you were to watch a pro player at whatever game, and they go in and get completely stomped, there's not going to be any shouting, usually instead there'll be comments like "Wow.... this other guy is GOOD!" or "Okay, I've clearly got something to learn here" or maybe "that was amazing, I gotta figure out how they did that!". They dont get emotional, they dont get agitated... they're more likely to give a hearty laugh than anything. That's part of why they become pros in the first place.

    Though, also I tend to think some of this anger is due to the nature of many games in general. Alot of games these days are... well... there's alot of hand-holding. Particularly with story-focused games, the difficulty is usually *very* low, because if the player doesnt get to see the whole thing due to low skill, they might not buy the next 50 installments, and that means less money for the publisher. So, most major games are very easy. But competitive gaming doesnt work that way. No victory is handed to you, because your opponent wants it just as much.

    I was already used to the whole losing thing before I even started with the fighting games, simply because I'd been familiar with games that never handed out victories in the first place. Retro games for one thing... I grew up in the NES era, and well... there's a reason the term "Nintendo hard" exists. No handholding.... you either have the skill to win, or you dont win, simple as that. And also I play alot of shmups, particularly of the bullet-hell variety, which are so stupidly difficult that most gamers see them as impossible. There was one game in particular where it took me over *1000* hours before I finally, FINALLY beat it.... barely (and again, that's a shmup, so a single "playthrough" is only like 35 minutes long). It was just that hard. But it really showed that losing wasnt the end of the road... unless I let it be the end of the road.

    Dont go into a game expecting a win and getting frazzled when you dont get it. Instead, go into something challenging and EXPECT to lose. PARTICULARLY when playing competitive. Heck, dont even make "winning" your goal. Instead, learning should be the only goal. Think of it more as "Okay, let's see how much damage I can do this time before I go down, and maybe I'll figure out where some of my weak points are". When you start looking at it like that, you'll find your performance goes up, and your anger goes down over time.

    Note also that I'm someone with an extremely short fuse as well. It doesnt take much to set me off. Yet, I still could reach this point with gaming, including the competitive sort. If I can do it, you can do it too. But only if you allow yourself to.

    Get over the NEED to win, and replace it instead with a desire to learn and get better. A loss doesnt matter as long as you learn something from it. That's how skill improves, that's how it works for everyone.
     
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  6. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    @Turbocks , the kind of anger/frustration that you describe in the OP happens when we expect perfection from ourselves, but fail to deliver on it. Theoretically, there are no excuses for such failure, but our brains & bodies are not "perfect" machines that can perform to such exacting standards. And it is even worse when we are tired, sick, hungry or otherwise distracted.

    It is the difference between "pure" mathematics & applied physics. Familiarize yourself with the Law of Diminishing Returns.

    (And worse still if you compare yourself to the performance of others.)

    If you have to play those games, just
    • see if you can improve your own performance and
    • factor in that you will fail at regular intervals.
    Then you will be able to relax a little more about it.
     
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  7. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    I am curious how quickly you cool off. A relative of mine who has a short temper forgets about things fairly quickly so their coping mechanism was to go drive around the country area where they lived until they cooled down.

    Yes, this about perfectionism, I think that this is an excellent response. I can definitely relate to feeling that I should have been more perfect and sometimes that others should have been more perfect and then being mad at myself or others. I wonder how many people here relate to the broader category of “being perfectionists”
     
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  8. Matthias

    Matthias Well-Known Member

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    I used to be a perfectionist and can attest that I used to have to vent frustration because of it.

    Frequent criticism caused me to strive to be perfectly normal to avoid being judged or disliked for being different. Trying to be perfectly normal is an impossibly high standard for someone who is autistic. That thinking pattern of trying to be normal became a habit which caused me to feel the need to be a perfectionist in other areas of my life. Being a perfectionist was stressful which contributed to venting frustration when I wasn't successful at something. The root cause of perfectionism for me was a distorted view of myself and others. After I became aware that people were just judging my actions and not me as a person and that I was just as good as everyone else, I became comfortable being myself and not as concerned about being criticized. Since then, I have little stress and don't get frustrated anymore because I no longer have any need to be perfect and my perfectionism gradually faded away.
     
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  9. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    The first important step: you understand that you have intense emotions when gaming. The second step: you need to regulate or disingrate the game compulsion. Like set a timer, if you regulate then set the timer for 30 mins to play longer. If you meltdown, then turn game off as a penalty. If in 30 mins you haven't shown any escalation, then set the timer for another 30 mins. I feel this will help you retrain your gaming brain. You actively re-training yourself with the help of a timer and a reward. The more l do this and act in control, l allow myself another 30 minutes of playing time. Eventually- you won't need the timer, this is to actively engage you in proactive change.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2020
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  10. Els

    Els Active Member

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    I forgot to talk about it, but you're also only 19 and your brain hasn't even finished its development yet. It influences your behaviour and reactions and you'll get better at self regulating over time. Usually, most people become calmer as they grow older than as children/teens.
    Don't worry too much and find a way to play that's a bit more "cool" for you. Maybe change the type of game, maybe play alone, try to find games in which you have to increase your level instead of winning, there are options. Normally it should get better over time. I've seen older people from whom it apparently hadn't, but as you're only 19 don't worry too much either. Most likely you won't have the same behaviour when you'll be 45.
     
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  11. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    This is very toxic misconception.

    I hate how you're singling out story driven games in this regard even though there's plenty of them that are difficult. These include:
    • Dragon Quest II
    • That JRPG featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry™ series as a guest character.
    • System Shock 1 and it's remake.
    • Devil Survivor Overclocked
    • Lisa: The Painful

    #NotAllStoryDrivenGames
     
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  12. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Some of these actually dont count, for what I'm talking about. Also, when I talk about low difficulty, I should have specified "major or AAA games". Lisa wouldnt be on my list, as it is an indie product. Nor would... really any indie game, actually. Developers of indie games, unlike major devs, do not have restrictions placed on them... they can make ANYTHING they want. Which means they can make their games nigh-impossible if they like. Hell, I've DONE indie development myself, and you bet I made the game in question very brutal... nobody could stop me from doing so. Now, there are occaisions where a publisher WILL pick up an indie game, but... that's only done when the indie game in question has proven that it will really sell. It's also done because it requires nearly no effort on the part of the publisher... after all, the game is done by a small team that doesnt require much funding. And there are certain publishers (like Devolver Digital) that are almost exclusively indie, and as such do not interfere). But they are not and never will be big ones.

    The real reason for hand-holding is that major publishers dont want to risk putting off potential buyers from buying future games. Remember, a major publisher is strictly a business... they could not give less of a crap about the game itself. Only how much it SELLS matters to them, and games that make players feel good have the highest chance of doing that. Indie devs do not have to deal with that (again, no restrictions). So yeah, that's what I should specify for the list. I do not consider indie games whatsoever in this.

    But as for the others...

    Dragon Quest 2 also does not count, as it is *old* (Note also that I *definitely* dont count "remakes" in what I'm talking about, as they're just the same bloody thing but with fancy graphics... and even then, some of them actually DO have their difficulty drastically reduced, though that is kinda rare as it takes alot of effort to do). I'm talking about modern games... recent stuff. Hm, I should have mentioned that more directly, as I see I only mentioned it indirectly. I tend to figure that most people already know that's what I mean.

    System Shock is also quite old... freaking 1994! That's not even CLOSE to modern. And again, I dont count remakes.

    But, it should be obvious that there are exceptions to every rule... including mine. Atlus is that exception. Well... to a point. They used to put out RPGs with high frequency. They've definitely slowed down, and many of their games (the ones on the DS series of devices) never hit a large audience. Only the Persona games do, at this point. But yes, they are one of the very, VERY few exceptions. Note though that Nocturne (the game with Dante as a guest) is actually ALSO fairly old (2003 release, on the PS2. The PS2 is typically considered "retro" now and is outright older than many gamers). Regardless though, Atlus = exception. Though... even back during the PS2 era, the vast majority of RPGs had already hit that "universally easy" phase (I played ALOT of them back then, and it's the reason why I now dislike the genre).

    What I consider "difficult" is also based on context. Even an Atlus game poses little challenge to me now (though I am aware that most gamers consider them to be hard as nails, or I wouldnt list Atlus as an exception). As I said, I'm used to the oldest of retro games, and bullet-hell shmups, and I hit a very high level in terms of fighting games. So that's the context, which should be kept in mind. But, it's also what makes it possible for me to see this problem to begin with, and to notice just how much hand-holding is in alot of major releases.

    Note ALSO that I'm not the only one that has this idea. Even alot of gamers that DONT play the sorts of things I do are starting to get more than a little fed-up with all of the handholding and the idea of games just giving you victories on a silver platter. I sure as heck didnt come up with the term "hand holding", and it's commonly known just what it means.


    So yeah, that's just a bit more explanation as to what I was getting at. Though for the most part, the details arent particularly important, as that's not truly what the OP's specific topic is about.
     
  13. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    It's not really you singling out AAA gaming that bothers me. It's you specifically mentioning story driven games.

    I'm just tired of people saying that having a story in your game precludes "real" gameplay or that story driven games didn't exist in the 80's or early 90's.
     
  14. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Ahh, I see. Yeah I dont actually think that either of those things are true. Though I do think some games can go WAY too far with the story elements (The Metal Gear games for instance, which are almost just movies for how many damn cutscenes they have). Story-driven games do tend to be EASIER, but that doesnt mean they arent games. Or that they cant be enjoyed even if they're low on traditional "gameplay".

    Just depends on how they're done. Even I can enjoy something like a "walking simulator" as they're called, if the story is told well and not a drawn-out mess.
     
  15. zenarchy

    zenarchy New Member

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    This is a problem I have as well. Some of it certainly has to do with my violent upbringing, but I can always remember being unable to deal with my emotions, especially frustration, very well. The feeling that wells up inside me is overwhelming and the pain of being hit just seems to "close the circuit" so to speak. Its like I cant even breathe or think until that smack happens. Sadly my "victories" are when I can simply ride through the feeling without hurting myself, although it seems unbearable at times to just let myself experience it without lashing out. I have been making progress though, and it has been rewarding.
    My personal advice to you is when you know you are entering into a high stakes event in your game that you know could lead to a discontrol situation is BEFORE you start the high stakes event in the game to simply pause it and walk away from it for a time. I find it best to come back when I've practically forgotten about it. It doesn't seem that important to me anymore and I can generally lose the game without losing IT.
    Remember, unless you are a mad scientist of some skill, you are only issued one brain, and they don't handle rough treatment too well.
     
  16. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    This reminds me of when I decided to take Khan Academy maths courses - basically, it's a programme where you get to solve maths problems, starting really kindergarten simple, and then it gradually gets harder as you go through the grades. Ok up to a point, then you start getting tricky algebra problems. Algebra is not my thing; never has been, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get it right, couldn't grasp it and couldn't make progress. I got so angry and frustrated every time I made a mistake and threw/hit things, I wanted to smash things, so I eventually gave up and quit. Now, there's a language learning app, Duolingo. It has loads of different languages, which is great, but every time you get it wrong, you lose a point and an angry red banner appears with a cross, not correct, and it makes you repeat it. It's infuriating!! I still use it, but I've cut it down to about half of what I used to do because this was making me so angry, every time I make a typo or forget an article make some small mistake that has nothing to do with the grammar or vocabulary actually being practised in that lesson. I know, one is supposed to see mistakes as a learning opportunity, my reaction to the red banner is extreme, I try to reason with myself that it really doesn't matter if I make a mistake, but I can't seem to get past this negative reaction to it.

    It know what it is - it's perfectionism, not being able to control, mitigate or get past negative emotion and frustration. The problem is with me, not with the app. I wish there was a way to get past it, but I can't, really things like this are no good for me and I should stop them. This is one reason why I don't play video games - if I have a problem with a simple app like Duolingo, then I'm going to have a problem with video games too. I really need to avoid things that are going to frustrate me for my own good. Though I'm sure there are games out there where one is rewarded for progress, and not punished for mistakes.
     
  17. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You are an adult now and cannot blame your parents for anything about yourself. It is not because "they never (x) so now I (y)", because clearly you know better. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made that statement.

    Being an adult means choosing the good and refusing the evil. It means doing what's right, even though it's frightening, inconvenient, or just plain unappealing. I massively screw up every single day, as we all do. But you just have to keep going and trying to become a better person with every step. Never stop improving yourself, or the lives of those around you.

    You know better, now go and do right, and if you mess up, apologize, and try again next time.

    It's a wee bit tough for us autistic folk, but we also have to try to make life better.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2020
  18. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Maybe quit playing video games and since you're a man now, pack your bags and go rock climbing or hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Go bungee jumping. Push your physical and mental limits and in the solitude, you'll learn your potential, your limitations, and you'll gain strength, wisdom, patience, and perseverance.
     
  19. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Best to be careful with suggestions like those, particularly on the internet.

    Someone not already properly trained and knowledgeable could get seriously injured with those sorts of activities. Yes, this includes hiking. Source: I've spent a silly amount of time on trails and in deep forests. Even a smaller forest preserve presents it's own dangers to the unaware. Even moreso if it's not maintained properly. And that's just the hiking... rock climbing or bungee jumping are dramatically more dangerous.

    These things also present a near-constant risk of... other issues. Exercise is great, but exercise done wrong can leave you with lifelong problems. And believe me, the level of pain that can go with that is so very not worth it.

    Anyway, just a bit of caution there, that's all.
     
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