Coupe
Well-Known Member
Does anyone else have problems with being hypervigilant or unable to calm down or quiet their minds enough to be able to peacefully fall asleep?
I've had this problem since I moved from my dad and stepmom's house to live with my mom, stepdad and younger siblings (judge me all you want, I don't care - I feel safe with them and after years of being pretty much isolated in college, it's just not healthy for me to be alone all the time). When I lived with my dad and stepmom, I was finishing up my undergrad degree and was staying in a spare room in our basement b/c it was much too humid and hot in my bedroom upstairs to sleep in there (I always knew it had to do with how something was wrong with the hot air/cool air vents in my room, but my stepmother preferred to blame it on how I had too much "stuff" in my room). I didn't mind being in the basement - all my stuffed animals and stim toys were down there, I could have snacks (as long as I kept them closed up and stored so they wouldn't attract mice), the wifi signal was strong, it was blessedly cool and breezy, and I could pretty much do what I wanted.
...So, during the day, I would sometimes come home from classes/some social event with sensory overload or just plain fatigue, and would feel like taking a nap. The problem with that, however, was twofold...or maybe threefold. I'll explain: First of all, I had developed IBS issues that summer after a really bad 24-hour virus (and I'd bet money that stress/anxiety played a major role) making sleep difficult due to physical discomfort. Second of all, my room in the basement was directly below the kitchen, where my father had taken a fall that past winter...he had been holding tightly to a chair at the kitchen table, then passed out, hitting his head on the kitchen floor and slightly injuring his ribs. Later he was dx'd with mild Parkinson's. Every time I would try to close my eyes and sleep in the basement, I would hear a sound in the kitchen (stuff being dropped, chairs scraping against the floor, and my eyes would fly open and I'd startle awake, thinking maybe my dad had fallen again. I had always felt like my dad passing out/falling was my fault, since before it had happened, my dad had taken me to pick out a new hoodie for my birthday, and the next weekend, my stepmother guilt-tripped me about it, saying that "taking me to the mall had tired him out," or something similar to that. She would also snidely inform me that my dad "couldn't always schlep me around everywhere," even though I never really went anywhere, and even stopped going to therapy during this time (which was just as well, since I didn't feel safe or bonded to the therapist at all, and she was really just as exacting and ableist as my stepmother was/is...but I stayed with her for several months b/c I felt like it was my only hope of getting "all fixed").
Third of all, and this kind of relates to my tangent above, my stepmother is pretty ableist and didn't understand my need to recuperate from socializing/sensory overload by napping...she seemed to see it as some kind of "personal failing" (just one of the many she thinks I have). So, that also precluded my being able to sleep....I'd only get guilt-tripped for it later on. She would even guilt-trip my dad for taking naps or just chilling sometimes, too, even though he needs to b/c he isn't well a lot of the time. Every day I feel so guilty that I'm in a safe place now and he still lives with her - if there was a way for him to have come with me, nothing would have made me happier.
I think they're happier together now that I don't live there anymore, though....which kind of makes sense, to me.
My sleep problems have continued, though....I startle awake at the slightest sound during the day, and I've become something of an insomniac. I just feel like maybe I don't deserve to sleep or feel completely relaxed the way other people do. I used to fall asleep right away when I tucked my suffed Boov, Oh, under my chin, or when I held a Dumbo Tsum Tsum plush in my hand, but now not even that helps. I'm just really frustrated....why weren't my problems left back where I moved from?
Has anyone ever experienced this sort of wakefulness/inability to sleep deeply? Thanks in advance.
I've had this problem since I moved from my dad and stepmom's house to live with my mom, stepdad and younger siblings (judge me all you want, I don't care - I feel safe with them and after years of being pretty much isolated in college, it's just not healthy for me to be alone all the time). When I lived with my dad and stepmom, I was finishing up my undergrad degree and was staying in a spare room in our basement b/c it was much too humid and hot in my bedroom upstairs to sleep in there (I always knew it had to do with how something was wrong with the hot air/cool air vents in my room, but my stepmother preferred to blame it on how I had too much "stuff" in my room). I didn't mind being in the basement - all my stuffed animals and stim toys were down there, I could have snacks (as long as I kept them closed up and stored so they wouldn't attract mice), the wifi signal was strong, it was blessedly cool and breezy, and I could pretty much do what I wanted.
...So, during the day, I would sometimes come home from classes/some social event with sensory overload or just plain fatigue, and would feel like taking a nap. The problem with that, however, was twofold...or maybe threefold. I'll explain: First of all, I had developed IBS issues that summer after a really bad 24-hour virus (and I'd bet money that stress/anxiety played a major role) making sleep difficult due to physical discomfort. Second of all, my room in the basement was directly below the kitchen, where my father had taken a fall that past winter...he had been holding tightly to a chair at the kitchen table, then passed out, hitting his head on the kitchen floor and slightly injuring his ribs. Later he was dx'd with mild Parkinson's. Every time I would try to close my eyes and sleep in the basement, I would hear a sound in the kitchen (stuff being dropped, chairs scraping against the floor, and my eyes would fly open and I'd startle awake, thinking maybe my dad had fallen again. I had always felt like my dad passing out/falling was my fault, since before it had happened, my dad had taken me to pick out a new hoodie for my birthday, and the next weekend, my stepmother guilt-tripped me about it, saying that "taking me to the mall had tired him out," or something similar to that. She would also snidely inform me that my dad "couldn't always schlep me around everywhere," even though I never really went anywhere, and even stopped going to therapy during this time (which was just as well, since I didn't feel safe or bonded to the therapist at all, and she was really just as exacting and ableist as my stepmother was/is...but I stayed with her for several months b/c I felt like it was my only hope of getting "all fixed").
Third of all, and this kind of relates to my tangent above, my stepmother is pretty ableist and didn't understand my need to recuperate from socializing/sensory overload by napping...she seemed to see it as some kind of "personal failing" (just one of the many she thinks I have). So, that also precluded my being able to sleep....I'd only get guilt-tripped for it later on. She would even guilt-trip my dad for taking naps or just chilling sometimes, too, even though he needs to b/c he isn't well a lot of the time. Every day I feel so guilty that I'm in a safe place now and he still lives with her - if there was a way for him to have come with me, nothing would have made me happier.
I think they're happier together now that I don't live there anymore, though....which kind of makes sense, to me.My sleep problems have continued, though....I startle awake at the slightest sound during the day, and I've become something of an insomniac. I just feel like maybe I don't deserve to sleep or feel completely relaxed the way other people do. I used to fall asleep right away when I tucked my suffed Boov, Oh, under my chin, or when I held a Dumbo Tsum Tsum plush in my hand, but now not even that helps. I'm just really frustrated....why weren't my problems left back where I moved from?
Has anyone ever experienced this sort of wakefulness/inability to sleep deeply? Thanks in advance.
