Hello, my husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and we both have Aspergers. We've had an on going issue from the beginning where I will bring up something that needs to be discussed, and he will become overwhelmed and shut down. Typically, he will go completely mute. If I revisit the subject at a later time, the same thing will happen. If I attempt to talk to him about it in writing, he is still unresponsive. If at any point I am able to succeed in getting him to respond, he will more or less simply repeat whatever I have said and place the terms "I know" or "I'm sorry" in front of my own words. So, for example, if I'm trying to discuss how I want him to be more involved in our finances, and he eventually responds to me, his response will be something along the lines of "I know I should be more involved in the finances" or "I'm sorry that I'm not more involved in the finances". It's like talking to a wall, and then if I'm lucky, it's like talking to a parrot. The issue is further compounded when I attempt to talk about something that I'm feeling and receive the same lack of a response. Having my emotions completely ignored makes me feel crazy because they're not even being acknowledged, let alone validated. If I stop talking about it, he will not bring it up again on his own. I'm left to myself to just "get over it" and to also get over the anger that I feel towards him for not being there for me. There is literally no communication about anything other than surface level topics, which he is more than willing to argue about (computers, science, etc.)
My life is not easy at the moment. Our 4 1/2 year old is autistic, and it's been a long and difficult road, getting him to the point where he can function somewhat independently. On top of that, I have an 18 month old with medical issues, who is also in therapy 5x per week for developmental delays, and I'm planning to start homeschooling in the fall. I'm very dedicated to our children and their needs. There is a lot of stress and decisions that fall on me, and even though I insist on continuing to talk to my husband about it, and believe that in his own mind he does care, it is very distressing and damaging to continue to receive no response from him in any area of our lives that truly matters.
I honestly just do not know what to do about this. Obviously discussing it with him gets us nowhere. Finding a councilor of some sort that understands the complexities of autism is nearly impossible, especially when it comes to adults, and the differences between men and women on the spectrum. I did attempt individual therapy several times, but again, I could not find a therapist who was skilled enough to really be able to help me. My husband is not interested in researching the subject on his own, and does not appear to want to use the little bit of free time that he has working on himself. Sometimes I will attempt to educate him myself, but again, it's like talking to a wall, and for all I know he's not even listening to me.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm not sure that I'm willing to simply accept such an unhealthy dynamic, although I do understand that I'm basically powerless to change him. I'm certainly not in a position to even consider a separation, with our two little kids that need every ounce of my free time and energy. Not to mention, that's not what I want, and I cannot imagine any way in which leaving would better the situation for any of us.
Thanks
My life is not easy at the moment. Our 4 1/2 year old is autistic, and it's been a long and difficult road, getting him to the point where he can function somewhat independently. On top of that, I have an 18 month old with medical issues, who is also in therapy 5x per week for developmental delays, and I'm planning to start homeschooling in the fall. I'm very dedicated to our children and their needs. There is a lot of stress and decisions that fall on me, and even though I insist on continuing to talk to my husband about it, and believe that in his own mind he does care, it is very distressing and damaging to continue to receive no response from him in any area of our lives that truly matters.
I honestly just do not know what to do about this. Obviously discussing it with him gets us nowhere. Finding a councilor of some sort that understands the complexities of autism is nearly impossible, especially when it comes to adults, and the differences between men and women on the spectrum. I did attempt individual therapy several times, but again, I could not find a therapist who was skilled enough to really be able to help me. My husband is not interested in researching the subject on his own, and does not appear to want to use the little bit of free time that he has working on himself. Sometimes I will attempt to educate him myself, but again, it's like talking to a wall, and for all I know he's not even listening to me.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm not sure that I'm willing to simply accept such an unhealthy dynamic, although I do understand that I'm basically powerless to change him. I'm certainly not in a position to even consider a separation, with our two little kids that need every ounce of my free time and energy. Not to mention, that's not what I want, and I cannot imagine any way in which leaving would better the situation for any of us.
Thanks