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Husband shuts down very badly

maddy

Well-Known Member
Hello, my husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and we both have Aspergers. We've had an on going issue from the beginning where I will bring up something that needs to be discussed, and he will become overwhelmed and shut down. Typically, he will go completely mute. If I revisit the subject at a later time, the same thing will happen. If I attempt to talk to him about it in writing, he is still unresponsive. If at any point I am able to succeed in getting him to respond, he will more or less simply repeat whatever I have said and place the terms "I know" or "I'm sorry" in front of my own words. So, for example, if I'm trying to discuss how I want him to be more involved in our finances, and he eventually responds to me, his response will be something along the lines of "I know I should be more involved in the finances" or "I'm sorry that I'm not more involved in the finances". It's like talking to a wall, and then if I'm lucky, it's like talking to a parrot. The issue is further compounded when I attempt to talk about something that I'm feeling and receive the same lack of a response. Having my emotions completely ignored makes me feel crazy because they're not even being acknowledged, let alone validated. If I stop talking about it, he will not bring it up again on his own. I'm left to myself to just "get over it" and to also get over the anger that I feel towards him for not being there for me. There is literally no communication about anything other than surface level topics, which he is more than willing to argue about (computers, science, etc.)

My life is not easy at the moment. Our 4 1/2 year old is autistic, and it's been a long and difficult road, getting him to the point where he can function somewhat independently. On top of that, I have an 18 month old with medical issues, who is also in therapy 5x per week for developmental delays, and I'm planning to start homeschooling in the fall. I'm very dedicated to our children and their needs. There is a lot of stress and decisions that fall on me, and even though I insist on continuing to talk to my husband about it, and believe that in his own mind he does care, it is very distressing and damaging to continue to receive no response from him in any area of our lives that truly matters.

I honestly just do not know what to do about this. Obviously discussing it with him gets us nowhere. Finding a councilor of some sort that understands the complexities of autism is nearly impossible, especially when it comes to adults, and the differences between men and women on the spectrum. I did attempt individual therapy several times, but again, I could not find a therapist who was skilled enough to really be able to help me. My husband is not interested in researching the subject on his own, and does not appear to want to use the little bit of free time that he has working on himself. Sometimes I will attempt to educate him myself, but again, it's like talking to a wall, and for all I know he's not even listening to me.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm not sure that I'm willing to simply accept such an unhealthy dynamic, although I do understand that I'm basically powerless to change him. I'm certainly not in a position to even consider a separation, with our two little kids that need every ounce of my free time and energy. Not to mention, that's not what I want, and I cannot imagine any way in which leaving would better the situation for any of us.

Thanks
 
Some basic questions.

- How well are his abilities to handle finances? Did he do so adequately before you were married?

- When not in a meltdown or shutdown, can you even approach him about financial issues?

- Above all, how would you assess his overall abilities in executive thought processes?

He may have an extreme deficit in this area that he is unwilling to admit to. Whether in meltdown/shutdown mode or not. That it's not about how well or poorly you attempt to communicate with him. It's what you are trying to communicate that may be at the heart of the issue.

You both may be on the spectrum, but it doesn't preclude either of you from having very different degrees of executive thinking which may create quite a divide in the relationship. That this may not really be about shutdowns at all.

I know with one failed relationship I had, both issues were apparent, although at the time neither of us had a clue that one of us was on the spectrum and one was not. And one had all the executive thought processes and shutdowns while the other didn't have a clue.
 
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Hi Maddy, I'm Mia and I also have Asperger's as does my spouse of thirty + years. Much of what you mention is quite painful and difficult to deal with, you sound overwhelmed and frustrated with you spouse and the state of your life.

One of the things I've come to understand over a long period of time, is that criticizing someone will not help. Aspies do not respond to blame or fault finding, they withdraw, become mute, and cease to communicate. If they feel inundated they will shut down. I think in the first fifteen or so years of our marriage, my spouse nodded and agreed with most things I said, for a long time I thought he simply was of the same mind as I.

For most of my life I was a vegan, and I thought he was too. When I would talk about not eating meat he would nod, which I interpreted as agreement, he loves meat, and would secretly go out to eat hamburgers for lunch daily. I think you should understand that Aspies hate confrontation and they hate discord. Many avoid it all costs. So they often go along with things to simply avoid arguments or criticism. What they really think takes a long time to discover.

You need to take this slow, you need to ask him for help. One thing only, so he's not overwhelmed with demands. Perhaps, something such as can you to help me with? Doing the dishes or making a meal, or teaching your son this particular subject. Something that he likes to do, something that he would do normally, this will take time, it won't happen immediately. Then you can add things over time, but not all at once.

You will have to learn how to communicate effectively with him, without rancor, or criticism.

http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2012/04/dealing-with-aspergers-husband-tips-for.html http://www.everydayhealth.com/autism/coping-with-a-partners-aspergers-syndrome.aspx

It seems as if much of what he is doing is trying to get along. You need to keep in mind that he means well, that he dislikes confrontation and that he requires time to work these difficulties out. One of the things that will happen is that you need to change as well, that your perspective and outlook will have to soften, I'll link to a post I answered on this forum for more detail, this was a little before I discovered that I also had many of the indicators for Asperger's which show differently in females. Yet the advice is still appropriate.
https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/negotiating-needs-between-as-nt-partners.11379/#post-227085

Another thing that I failed to address is the idea that you need your emotions validated. It might happen that he will sympathize, but he cannot understand what you are feeling. In a clear and concise way if you explain he might be able to get some of it, some of the surface indications, but he won't understand it all. Keep that in mind, he simply can't do it.
 
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Your husband sounds like me in all honesty. I don't really know what to advise but I know myself personally I take everything as personal criticism and blaming even though the other person may not be intending it to come across that way. I also find it hard to say I got the message and appreciate the advice, in my own words, so like your husband it is just easier to nod along or repeat what the other person has said with minor alterations.
 
One of the things I've come to understand over a long period of time, is that criticizing someone will not help. Aspies do not respond to blame or fault finding, they withdraw, become mute, and cease to communicate. If they feel inundated they will shut down. I think in the first fifteen or so years of our marriage, my spouse nodded and agreed with most things I said, for a long time I thought he simply was of the same mind as I.

For most of my life I was a vegan, and I thought he was too. When I would talk about not eating meat he would nod, which I interpreted as agreement, he loves meat, and would secretly go out to eat hamburgers for lunch daily. I think you should understand that Aspies hate confrontation and they hate discord. Many avoid it all costs. So they often go along with things to simply avoid arguments or criticism. What they really think takes a long time to discover.

Mia seems to nail it in one go. That is how I react to pressure and questioning from my NT SO. She is very probing when she wants answers, and will continue to ask the same ones repeatedly if my answers are insufficient. That is when I shut down. I am unable to handle finances to the level of detail and accuracy that she demands, so my participation is minimal. I rarely spend any money at all unless she is involved, simply to avoid the hassle of lost receipts, having to explain my purchase, and to avoid any sort of paper trail. Yes, I sneak around and buy things that are on the "do not buy" list, like muffins, cookies, etc. just as Mia's mate with the hamburgers. I really do not do well with someone trying to control me to that extent, and when she's "caught" me, it's been like I was selling secrets to the Soviets. Thus, more shut downs.

(I used to be able to handle my own expenses, to my unexacting standards; I never bounced checks, paid bills on time, maintained a near zero balance on credit cards. I didn't know where every dollar went, but I got by. Once again, my extreme frugality helped.)

Our relationship has been difficult, has sunk pretty low on the mutual satisfaction index, and to be honest neither of us would get involved with each other had we known this was what it would be like. I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you face, especially when health and childcare issues strain the financial and emotional limits. My partner and I are fortunate to not have too many outside stresses in our relationship, and have a healthy and bright 10 year old.

Mia gives some good insight and advice. I do think your husband does care and want to help, and certainly doesn't want to make things worse, but is at a loss of what to do. Does he get any counselling? I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now, who started out as our relationship therapist. She has extensive experience with people on the spectrum and has really helped me be more open and able to dig deeper into my emotions and also to express them any way I can. It also helped my partner understand that I really do have a problem with this stuff, I'm not just being obstinate and piggish. I still have shut downs, but my partner understands them better, and knows that I'm not just avoiding issues because I'm irresponsible. Something like this might be helpful, but I know it might be difficult to squeeze in.
 
It might help to be more specific about what you need. Like, if you want more help with the finances, maybe ask something like, "Can you gather all of the receipts so I can put them in the checkbook?" "Can you put together a spreadsheet that shows all of our expenses for the past month?"

If you want help with making dinner, ask "Can you cut up these carrots and potatoes?" "Can you make the mac & cheese? The directions are on the box."

If you want more help around the house, ask "Can you take out the trash every evening?", and then put it on the calendar on his phone to pop up with a reminder each night. With a little prep work, you might even be able to shift some of the grocery shopping onto him: "Here's a list of what I need, along with brand names. Call me from the store if you have any questions." And then walk him through this a couple of times, if he needs that much help, so he knows where things are at the store.
 
Dogwood tree makes some good points. Those were the kind of things we went through with our therapist.

What has helped me is for my SO to help me make lists of what needs to be done. It has been a chore getting me to keep it up, but I am mostly able to keep making progress and keeping up with crossing off and adding new things. We have a "master list" that has things that need to be done in the next few months, but can be done anytime I see fit, these things I can add to my daily lists if there is time or the will/need to do them. Then the daily list is for things to do that day, of course, but not everything needs to be done, except appointments or things that do need to be done that day. This took me a long time to get used to, because if things were on a list, I felt they all needed to be done that day, or I felt like I failed. I STILL feel that way a little, because I'm a super hero, and they always get that stuff done.:)
 
Hello, my husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and we both have Aspergers. We've had an on going issue from the beginning where I will bring up something that needs to be discussed, and he will become overwhelmed and shut down. Typically, he will go completely mute. If I revisit the subject at a later time, the same thing will happen. If I attempt to talk to him about it in writing, he is still unresponsive. If at any point I am able to succeed in getting him to respond, he will more or less simply repeat whatever I have said and place the terms "I know" or "I'm sorry" in front of my own words. So, for example, if I'm trying to discuss how I want him to be more involved in our finances, and he eventually responds to me, his response will be something along the lines of "I know I should be more involved in the finances" or "I'm sorry that I'm not more involved in the finances". It's like talking to a wall, and then if I'm lucky, it's like talking to a parrot. The issue is further compounded when I attempt to talk about something that I'm feeling and receive the same lack of a response. Having my emotions completely ignored makes me feel crazy because they're not even being acknowledged, let alone validated. If I stop talking about it, he will not bring it up again on his own. I'm left to myself to just "get over it" and to also get over the anger that I feel towards him for not being there for me. There is literally no communication about anything other than surface level topics, which he is more than willing to argue about (computers, science, etc.)

My life is not easy at the moment. Our 4 1/2 year old is autistic, and it's been a long and difficult road, getting him to the point where he can function somewhat independently. On top of that, I have an 18 month old with medical issues, who is also in therapy 5x per week for developmental delays, and I'm planning to start homeschooling in the fall. I'm very dedicated to our children and their needs. There is a lot of stress and decisions that fall on me, and even though I insist on continuing to talk to my husband about it, and believe that in his own mind he does care, it is very distressing and damaging to continue to receive no response from him in any area of our lives that truly matters.

I honestly just do not know what to do about this. Obviously discussing it with him gets us nowhere. Finding a councilor of some sort that understands the complexities of autism is nearly impossible, especially when it comes to adults, and the differences between men and women on the spectrum. I did attempt individual therapy several times, but again, I could not find a therapist who was skilled enough to really be able to help me. My husband is not interested in researching the subject on his own, and does not appear to want to use the little bit of free time that he has working on himself. Sometimes I will attempt to educate him myself, but again, it's like talking to a wall, and for all I know he's not even listening to me.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm not sure that I'm willing to simply accept such an unhealthy dynamic, although I do understand that I'm basically powerless to change him. I'm certainly not in a position to even consider a separation, with our two little kids that need every ounce of my free time and energy. Not to mention, that's not what I want, and I cannot imagine any way in which leaving would better the situation for any of us.

Thanks

Honey, I wouldn't be able to advise you except to say: when he closes down its not you he's closing down to. He can't help it. Always bear that in mind. I'm sure he loves you and would want to be able to do more for you and your child.
 
Some basic questions.

- How well are his abilities to handle finances? Did he do so adequately before you were married?

He's really not great with finances, and he never was. However, I could really use his help with the math aspect of things.

- When not in a meltdown or shutdown, can you even approach him about financial issues?

Well, it's not so much that he's unapproachable, it's more so that my attempt to discuss it would cause him to shutdown. He's always willing to listen to me talk about such things (whatever it may be), but the real problem that I'm having is that he's unresponsive in general.

- Above all, how would you assess his overall abilities in executive thought processes?

Well, he's disorganized, late all the time, and he is incapable of finishing a task. He tends to start a task, get about 20% of it finished, and then move on to a different task. So, I'd say his abilities aren't great.

He may have an extreme deficit in this area that he is unwilling to admit to. Whether in meltdown/shutdown mode or not. That it's not about how well or poorly you attempt to communicate with him. It's what you are trying to communicate that may be at the heart of the issue.

You both may be on the spectrum, but it doesn't preclude either of you from having very different degrees of executive thinking which may create quite a divide in the relationship. That this may not really be about shutdowns at all.

I know with one failed relationship I had, both issues were apparent, although at the time neither of us had a clue that one of us was on the spectrum and one was not. And one had all the executive thought processes and shutdowns while the other didn't have a clue.

Thanks...I am aware that his executive functioning isn't very good. Luckily, mine is good enough that I'm able to recognize and figure out ways to work around my limitations. I have been able to successfully help him to establish some routines around the house, which takes some of the pressure off of me when it comes to chores and practical things. I'm still very overwhelmed with loneliness (emotionally) and pressure to make important decisions without any input from him though.
 
Hi Maddy, I'm Mia and I also have Asperger's as does my spouse of thirty + years. Much of what you mention is quite painful and difficult to deal with, you sound overwhelmed and frustrated with you spouse and the state of your life.

One of the things I've come to understand over a long period of time, is that criticizing someone will not help. Aspies do not respond to blame or fault finding, they withdraw, become mute, and cease to communicate. If they feel inundated they will shut down. I think in the first fifteen or so years of our marriage, my spouse nodded and agreed with most things I said, for a long time I thought he simply was of the same mind as I.

For most of my life I was a vegan, and I thought he was too. When I would talk about not eating meat he would nod, which I interpreted as agreement, he loves meat, and would secretly go out to eat hamburgers for lunch daily. I think you should understand that Aspies hate confrontation and they hate discord. Many avoid it all costs. So they often go along with things to simply avoid arguments or criticism. What they really think takes a long time to discover.

You need to take this slow, you need to ask him for help. One thing only, so he's not overwhelmed with demands. Perhaps, something such as can you to help me with? Doing the dishes or making a meal, or teaching your son this particular subject. Something that he likes to do, something that he would do normally, this will take time, it won't happen immediately. Then you can add things over time, but not all at once.

You will have to learn how to communicate effectively with him, without rancor, or criticism.

http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2012/04/dealing-with-aspergers-husband-tips-for.html http://www.everydayhealth.com/autism/coping-with-a-partners-aspergers-syndrome.aspx

It seems as if much of what he is doing is trying to get along. You need to keep in mind that he means well, that he dislikes confrontation and that he requires time to work these difficulties out. One of the things that will happen is that you need to change as well, that your perspective and outlook will have to soften, I'll link to a post I answered on this forum for more detail, this was a little before I discovered that I also had many of the indicators for Asperger's which show differently in females. Yet the advice is still appropriate.
https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/negotiating-needs-between-as-nt-partners.11379/#post-227085

Another thing that I failed to address is the idea that you need your emotions validated. It might happen that he will sympathize, but he cannot understand what you are feeling. In a clear and concise way if you explain he might be able to get some of it, some of the surface indications, but he won't understand it all. Keep that in mind, he simply can't do it.

Thank you! You definitely understand what I'm talking about here. It actually sounds like our spouses are very similar. When I first met my husband, I wanted to be a missionary (we met in church). He was very agreeable, and allowed me to believe that he also wanted this for his life. It didn't help that he had already gone on a missions trip to a foreign country. I talked about this constantly, and he never once told me that he had zero intention of leaving the country again, and that his plans were actually to have a long term career. I figured it out on my own over time, and was devastated that he let me marry him without being honest about it first.

I do agree that he's probably feeling criticized a lot of the time. I realized that I also shut down and withdraw when I feel criticized by others, and that I am also extremely sensitive to anything that can be taken as criticism, so I guess I can relate to him more than I realized. To be honest, It's really very difficult to imagine a situation in which a more dominant person would be able to approach me with something that they needed to discuss. I would probably just tell them whatever I thought they wanted to hear, or not say anything at all - just like my husband does to me :/

Thanks for the links as well, I did read through them, and they were helpful.
 
Your husband sounds like me in all honesty. I don't really know what to advise but I know myself personally I take everything as personal criticism and blaming even though the other person may not be intending it to come across that way. I also find it hard to say I got the message and appreciate the advice, in my own words, so like your husband it is just easier to nod along or repeat what the other person has said with minor alterations.

Thanks, I've come to realize that he is probably feeling criticized by me, and that I do need to be more sensitive about the way that I word things. I know that he means well.
 
Mia seems to nail it in one go. That is how I react to pressure and questioning from my NT SO. She is very probing when she wants answers, and will continue to ask the same ones repeatedly if my answers are insufficient. That is when I shut down. I am unable to handle finances to the level of detail and accuracy that she demands, so my participation is minimal. I rarely spend any money at all unless she is involved, simply to avoid the hassle of lost receipts, having to explain my purchase, and to avoid any sort of paper trail. Yes, I sneak around and buy things that are on the "do not buy" list, like muffins, cookies, etc. just as Mia's mate with the hamburgers. I really do not do well with someone trying to control me to that extent, and when she's "caught" me, it's been like I was selling secrets to the Soviets. Thus, more shut downs.

(I used to be able to handle my own expenses, to my unexacting standards; I never bounced checks, paid bills on time, maintained a near zero balance on credit cards. I didn't know where every dollar went, but I got by. Once again, my extreme frugality helped.)

Our relationship has been difficult, has sunk pretty low on the mutual satisfaction index, and to be honest neither of us would get involved with each other had we known this was what it would be like. I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you face, especially when health and childcare issues strain the financial and emotional limits. My partner and I are fortunate to not have too many outside stresses in our relationship, and have a healthy and bright 10 year old.

Mia gives some good insight and advice. I do think your husband does care and want to help, and certainly doesn't want to make things worse, but is at a loss of what to do. Does he get any counselling? I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now, who started out as our relationship therapist. She has extensive experience with people on the spectrum and has really helped me be more open and able to dig deeper into my emotions and also to express them any way I can. It also helped my partner understand that I really do have a problem with this stuff, I'm not just being obstinate and piggish. I still have shut downs, but my partner understands them better, and knows that I'm not just avoiding issues because I'm irresponsible. Something like this might be helpful, but I know it might be difficult to squeeze in.

Thanks, we did very briefly try some marriage counseling (or something like it), but I very quickly became frustrated because the guy kept on stressing that I have the right to leave, and he didn't seem to understand that it wasn't an option that I was interested in considering. I really don't feel like I have the capacity to squeeze any more therapy into my schedule right now since my weekdays basically revolve around the kids therapies, but I have asked my husband to consider seeing a therapist. Of course, I was met with no response - and he has yet to do it. I'm trying to refrain from nagging him about it or babying him by giving him a phone number and telling him to call it and make an appointment, but maybe it would be in both of our best interests if I were to do that. I'm just not very confident in my ability to find him a therapist that would understand him. I didn't have very good luck when I tried, and our issues are somewhat similar. At the same time though, I don't feel like a less than perfect match would hurt.
 
It might help to be more specific about what you need. Like, if you want more help with the finances, maybe ask something like, "Can you gather all of the receipts so I can put them in the checkbook?" "Can you put together a spreadsheet that shows all of our expenses for the past month?"

If you want help with making dinner, ask "Can you cut up these carrots and potatoes?" "Can you make the mac & cheese? The directions are on the box."

If you want more help around the house, ask "Can you take out the trash every evening?", and then put it on the calendar on his phone to pop up with a reminder each night. With a little prep work, you might even be able to shift some of the grocery shopping onto him: "Here's a list of what I need, along with brand names. Call me from the store if you have any questions." And then walk him through this a couple of times, if he needs that much help, so he knows where things are at the store.

Thanks, I have had decent luck with using this approach in the past. I think that maybe part of my problem is that I feel like his lack of initiative shows that he doesn't care about certain things. For example, if I tell him that our sons IEP progress report came, and he doesn't read it, I feel like that demonstrates that he's not interested. I then end up feeling like I'm dealing with all of his therapy things alone, as well as angry at my husband for not wanting to know how he's doing enough to remember to read it. However, if he forgets to take out the garbage or something, that wouldn't bother me as much, since the garbage is not a person.
 
Dogwood tree makes some good points. Those were the kind of things we went through with our therapist.

What has helped me is for my SO to help me make lists of what needs to be done. It has been a chore getting me to keep it up, but I am mostly able to keep making progress and keeping up with crossing off and adding new things. We have a "master list" that has things that need to be done in the next few months, but can be done anytime I see fit, these things I can add to my daily lists if there is time or the will/need to do them. Then the daily list is for things to do that day, of course, but not everything needs to be done, except appointments or things that do need to be done that day. This took me a long time to get used to, because if things were on a list, I felt they all needed to be done that day, or I felt like I failed. I STILL feel that way a little, because I'm a super hero, and they always get that stuff done.:)

Thanks, I did reply more specifically to Dogwood tree's post - But I am very thankful that my husband is willing to work with me on creating systems to get things done around the house. What has really worked for him is to create routines of things that he does on a daily or weekly basis. Thank God I'm fairly organized, otherwise things would REALLY be a mess.
 
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I tried to respond to everyone, If I left anyone out, it wasn't intentional! Sorry it took me so long, I get kind of overwhelmed by forums sometimes, so I had to take a few days to process (not to mention, I don't have a lot of free time.) I'm feeling a little better about things now that I've been able to talk it over with you folks that understand autism. I am still concerned about the situation, but it's comforting to be reminded that he means well. Thanks again :)
 
You both may be on the spectrum, but it doesn't preclude either of you from having very different degrees of executive thinking which may create quite a divide in the relationship.

You make an excellent point Judge, one that I'd not considered previously. This is true for my husband and I, had to look up executive functioning and realized that I'm good at organizing others, but not myself.
 
You make an excellent point Judge, one that I'd not considered previously. This is true for my husband and I, had to look up executive functioning and realized that I'm good at organizing others, but not myself.

It resonated with me because I was also once in a relationship with someone whose executive functioning was not anywhere near as good as my own. It was problematic to the relationship, but not catastrophic compared to some of my autistic traits that I wasn't really aware of at the time.

But I also thought you raised some excellent points in terms of how males and females can differently manifest being on the spectrum. All in all, an interesting thread.
 
Wow, Maddy,

You've just described my situation if you substitute "shuts down" with "argues relentlessly" to force me to back down.

(My intro post is over on the Welcome/Introduce Yourself forum--"I'm Still Learning".)
Sorry but I have nothing to add as far as insight into your dilemma, because I'm so frustrated myself and asking basically the same questions you are.

The only thing I can come up with, is another question:
"Is this somewhat typical of a male Aspie + female Aspie partnership?"

I never had this issue with NT partners, and my current Aspie guy says he's never fought with anyone like he does with me.
I can guess all kinds of reasons for that.
Part might be because I myself miss certain cues or don't express myself as well as I think I am, but the other part is that it sounds like his previous partners didn't ask much of him emotionally, physically, or financially. So there wasn't much to argue about. He was independent and they weren't really 100% into him and the partnership, from what he's said.

So I hear ya... the question is, how do we deal with this? I will stay tuned for replies on your thread.
 
Maddy: "Having my emotions completely ignored makes me feel crazy because they're not even being acknowledged, let alone validated. If I stop talking about it, he will not bring it up again on his own. I'm left to myself to just "get over it" and to also get over the anger that I feel towards him for not being there for me."

THIS is it in a nutshell for me.
 
@maddy

Going back to your original post....

My observations are skewed but might be applicable, i’m Alexithymic. Hear me out for a few minutes and I invite you to do some research, also invite you to reach out to me directly.

Having my emotions completely ignored makes me feel crazy because they're not even being acknowledged, let alone validated.

That statement points towards your partner being alexithymic, a condition that affects 10% of the population.

I would suspect that you speak with “I feel the warmth of the Apple from across the room....” and your partner speaks with “I think the Apple is red ...”. You being empathic and your partner potentially rationalizing his emotions, which is a trait of Alexi.

Your partner is clearly shut down and removed himself from interaction.

Has he always been this way?

In what manner do you bring things up for discussion? Do your sentences start with “what and why” or with “how”?
 

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