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Greatshield17

Claritas Prayer Group#9435
Now that I’m making progress with finding a job, I want to start looking for my future wife. In addition to the possibility of finding her at work, there is this pub in town that my dad really liked and had us all attend for a meal prior to Covid. I plan on hanging out there in an effort to meet someone, and I need tips and advice on how to talk to her and attract her and establish a relationship and the like.

How do I go about doing it and doing it right, without making her feel uncomfortable and the like; also one thing that particularly concerns me is finding out if she’s that right age (especially considering we Aspies often look younger than we are) can I trust my intuition in regards to that and guess that she’s the right age?
 
I don't think bars/pubs are the best places to meet someone. Music too loud, hard to talk, only activity to do is drink. Dance clubs are a little better, as at least there is something to do, but still have many of the same limitations.

If it was me, I'd lean towards coffee house/cafe. The chart below lumps bars and cafes together so I can't see what's going on exactly within that catagory. A bigger coffee house might also offer music at times.

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Just say hi. Compliments, friendliness, etc. all help. Ask questions--girls like to tell you about themselves, which is nice of them as you get to know them better that way.

The age thing--ask her if she's graduated college yet.

Also, look for girls outside the pub & take them TO the pub, on a DATE, because it's a nice place to hang out.
 
On one occasion I heard of a husband and wife who originally met at a bar. But I think this only works if both people are really outgoing and fun and comfortable in the bar environment to begin with, so they are in their element, and even kind of in their "community" at that time. I personally just don't see it happening otherwise - it would take a miracle, in my opinion.

Most people are not looking for a spouse at a bar, they are looking for something more casual or nothing at all. And it's hard to really hear or see each other if it's loud or dim.

I just - I am probably repeating myself over and over in the way that makes people think I am being "too" this or that - but honestly, I just think this is the least likely and least strategic place to look for a wife. But if you enjoy going there, just go and have fun and you never know whom you may happen to meet - I wouldn't rule it out. But....I think that would go better if a woman was with friends of yours and you met here there that way.

I think it's a better environment for meeting someone for an ultra casual date rather trying to chat up women who are there. As for guys going up to women at bars and trying to talk to them - as far as I know, that is usually interpreted by women as guys wanting something casual or physical even just that night. And some women who aren't interested just find it creepy and weird and annoying.

Things may be different in different cultures - maybe where you are this is totally not true. But I think this could lead to some tricky situations.
 
I met my wife at a bar, and made a good impression on her girl friends who were with her. One of her friends invited me to a party the following week. Neither of us are outgoing by the way, and we have been married 29 years.

Try to become friends, and make her feel in control. Girls do not like feeling pressured or not in control. If she is interested in you, she will let you know. When she does, appear to be confident socially.
 
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I met my wife at a bar, and made a good impression on her girl friends who were with her. One of her friends invited me to a party the following week. Neither of us are outgoing by the way, and we have been married 29 years.

Yes, it could happen. I did meet women at bars, usually when I wasn't really trying to meet one. I never though I was likely to meet a woman to marry there. Try hard to find other social activities that would attract women you would be interested in. I thought you were religious, church maybe?

Here's a story of NTs meeting that will seem like magic to us. This guy is standing on the side of the road as a group bike tour is passing. He somehow managed to meet, and later marry, one of the riders. I sure it would be easier to meet someone when participating in the tour. Sports events like that are a great place: biking, running, hiking, sailing classes, etc.
 
Yes, it could happen. I did meet women at bars, usually when I wasn't really trying to meet one. I never though I was likely to meet a woman to marry there. Try hard to find other social activities that would attract women you would be interested in. I thought you were religious, church maybe?

Here's a story of NTs meeting that will seem like magic to us. This guy is standing on the side of the road as a group bike tour is passing. He somehow managed to meet, and later marry, one of the riders. I sure it would be easier to meet someone when participating in the tour. Sports events like that are a great place: biking, running, hiking, sailing classes, etc.

Men and women can meet anywhere. My wife was extremely shy and socially awkward herself, and went with some girls where she worked to this club in Houston. I was divorced at the time, and was just drinking, listening to music and watching people. I was not trying to meet anyone, and several young women (some 10 years younger than me) came up to me asked asked to dance. I talked with them, bought drinks, but never tried to pick one up. My future wife was there, but I didn’t notice her. One of her girlfriends had danced with me, and my wife asked her friend to invite me to a party the following week. I was single, so I went to the party the following week. It was at this party that I met my future wife. I could tell she liked me, so I asked for her phone number. However, it took 3-4 weeks of me persistently calling her before she agreed to go out with me. Once we got together it was like magic.

I was not a very religious person when I was younger, but my wife is. So, I became active in our church. Compared to a lot of people I know, I am still not overly religious.
 
You mean Catholics don't need to marry other Catholics? Is the part about being unequally yoked not included in their Bible? And are you drinking at the bar? Can Catholics drink? Wouldn't the main goal of meeting someone at a bar be sexual?
 
Ask questions about things she’s interested in and actually listen to the answers. Try to listen more than talk. And if you find common ground, or even better, a shared interest, that’s a great subject to have a spirited discussion about.

And my pet peeve : don’t treat women like some exotic, delicate fragile flower and don’t make assumptions on what they do and don’t like purely based on their gender.
 
Catholics can marry non-Catholics. It's called a mixed marriage, and one has to have the permission of the local bishop who will give a permission if he thinks it won't mess up the faith of the Catholic party. We can marry any races in the world and nobody bats an eye (except for bigots but they don't count.) However, marriages of a Catholic & non-Catholic are scrutinized closely, and marriages with someone who's civilly divorced, of the same sex, under age, ordained a priest, impotent, etc., aren't possible. We're very cautious about who marries who but the reason I mention what is meant by 'mixed marriages" is a fairly racist older neighbor thought we weren't allowed to marry black folks. Not how it works, sorry racists.


"Unequally yoked" -- a phrase beloved of the Protestant faiths, likely because that is the way the King James Bible translated 2 Corinthians 6:14-- is not found in the traditional Douay-Rheims translation of the Bible, frequently used by Catholics. Instead we have "Bear not the yoke with unbelievers. For what participation hath justice with injustice? Or what fellowship hath light with darkness?" In the King James Bible the translation is of course: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
Similar translations but different implications with the first line--specifically in the tense. The DRV version is active:

(you) | bear not | yoke
\the \with
\unbelievers

Meanwhile the King James version is passive: now it's been awhile since I diagrammed one complex like this so bear with me.

ye | Be not yoked
\unequally \together \with
\unbelievers

So the part is included, just reads a little different. Here's the footnote from my old Haydock's Bible.
"Bear not the yoke together with unbelievers. He does not mean that they must wholly avoid their company, which could not be done, but not to have too intimate a friendship with them, not to marry with them, to avoid their vices."
So if our buddy Greatshield17 is out looking for friends and finds Christian or Catholic Christian girls, maybe even a few Jewish ones, he's probably in good shape. They can find common ground. If he finds unbelievers, pagans, Unitarians, Muslims, etc., they can have a casual friendship but it probably isn't going to go anywhere because religion is important to a lot of people & an argument about the hypostatic union doesn't suggest happy domesticity but rather the Plenary Council of Nicaea.

(up to him if he drinks at the bar or not.)

Catholics can drink though we are not to get drunk--it's OK to enjoy your drinks but don't lose your use of reason. Reason is so important--can't go anywhere without it.

Meeting someone at the bar--is that sexual? I'm pretty sure that they aren't going to be stripping off & getting to it right there on the bar. That'd be a little distracting for the rest of everybody. There's a major connotation in the culture with sexual stuff and bars but he's talking about specifically a pub, and that's usually going to be a quiet & laid-back place to go get a pint of his favorite ale or something. He's too much a gentleman to be that sort who cruises bars for hookups.

So I guess it would maybe work? Got to try & find out. It takes a long time to decide on marriage anyway--lots of ceremony involved, such as a preparation usually of about six months. All kinds of good things are worth waiting for and marriages are like that too. Considering Catholicism will not let you have contraceptives or get a divorce, you might as well take time to be very sure you want what is about to happen!
 
Wouldn't the main goal of meeting someone at a bar be sexual?
Not necessarily. I used to go out to meet friends, blow off steam and see where the night would take me. I liked just chatting to random people for fun and because you never know what sort of interesting stories strangers have. Rarely was the motivation sexual though.

I met lots of people I’m still friends with 20 years later. Did I have sex with people I met at bars? Sure. But I would call that a byproduct of a fun night out, not the goal.
 
For faith based aka religious topics/comments,
please use the Religion area.


You can tell it's a faith based aka religious topic/comment when you see words such as, but not limited to:
Roman Catholic, catholicism, Protestant, Jewish, Bible, Unitarian, Methodist, Episcopalian, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, pagan,atheist, theist etc...
 
My first marriage proposal from a guy l met in a bar. I was too young, l had to leave him. We lived together then he proposed. He always took care of me.

You can meet anywhere, in coffee houses too. Less pressure in a coffee bar. Try heading to a dog park, try antique stores, volunteer and meet nice woman there. Go to the museum, go to the library.
 
Sounds fun!
I bet you can hang out -- Do something cool, too. I would suggest get a nice but not ostentatious fountain pen, something like a TWSBI or a Conklin Duragraph (Conklin Crescent, why not?) and then go to these places & spend a few hours writing some poetry or prose. Girls love nice pens! And if you are well-groomed, well-dressed, washed & actually smell decent, you might get some visits.

I have gotten more interested attention from girls with a portable typewriter than I could have gotten with a nice car.
 
Don't tell someone you're looking for a wife. Not so soon. Just say you want to date and/or be friends to start with. If you're asked about future goals, then it's okay to mention a wife, but don't keep talking about it if not asked about it.

Age shouldn't matter as long as you and the other person connect and they are of legal age. Look for someone in a similar enough place to life that you are in- that's not a hard set rule- but it'll be easier to gel with someone that day. Good to look at a combination of things. If there's a small thing you don't like, are there other things that you could like enough more? Also remember, it goes both ways. Best wishes.
 
My first marriage proposal from a guy l met in a bar. I was too young, l had to leave him. We lived together then he proposed. He always took care of me.

You can meet anywhere, in coffee houses too. Less pressure in a coffee bar. Try heading to a dog park, try antique stores, volunteer and meet nice woman there. Go to the museum, go to the library.
Any of that would not have helped me as I could never understand if somebody were approachable or even had an interest in me. That is how severe my dysfunction is.

(added after some remembering) I had gone far out of my comfort zone and had approached women, but it was unnerving to be treated as welcome as a turd in a punchbowl. No positive reinforcement there and it just left me feeling more damaged than ever. I am amazed that I didn't become a misogynist.
 
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