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How to stop thinking all girls hate me and will be mean too me?

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
I keep thinking in my mind that all girls hate me. I thought this way in College when I use to get stairs and silence sitting next to them. But some would say hi to me and I use to run away.

I don't do that anymore but at Church I think they are all mean to me even though I had three positive encounter where they came up to me to start a conversation.

Then today at my Church field trip I was walking trying to find the restroom and I was verbal. A nice woman I don't know was kind enough to show me where it was.

Then the woman that ignored me a few weeks ago during the greeting and after in the lobby talked to me when I approached her. She even knew my name.

I also bet you that at the local park event where I was ignored if I would have came up and talk to a woman she would have been polite. But in my mind I still think they will be mean too me so I freaked out by freezing up afraid to approach.

What can I do to break this kind of thinking?
 

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Paranoia and overthinking, which for me, I should win an award for lol

The more we are pushed in to the world of socialising, which sadly, is inevitable, since we are humans, the more our "kind" brain acts up for us.

It is hard going, I know, because I live it often. I am told that I am loved by my congregation, but disbelieve it, despite the fact, that they are encouraging and even give me space. One spiritual sister insists that I am loved and I reacted negatively with I do not believe it and she shot back that I was being cruel?! When I think about it, though, it must be annoying for them? I mean, my husband is very talented with wood turning, but has false modesty and that is annoying. Also, when he says he thinks I am pretty and I brush it off, that is also annoying. So, I am going to work on just accepting the words, rather than looking too deeply into them.

When one lacks self esteem, that is when the brain is unkind to us.
 

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
Maybe you can keep pushing yourself into situations where you will be shown again and again that they are not mean, which may slowly change your deeply ingrained beliefs.
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
@Tony Ramirez

You've almost certainly been literally training yourself to think negatively about other people who don't react exactly as you'd hope for years (probably since you were a teenager). .

It's very likely that during the same interval you haven't done much to regulate your own behavior towards other people.

I don't remember you ever responding directly to practical advice so I won't give you any right now, but ...
... your last few threads suggest you're coming to terms with your situation. I truly hope so.

So a question for you: are you prepared to actively work to address these issues?

This isn't the only question you'll need to consider, but if you choose not to participate actively (with a therapist, alone (study and practice), here , etc) then your future will almost certainly be the same as your past.
 

Silhouette Mirage

[None]
V.I.P Member
What can I do to break this kind of thinking?

Honestly, the way you talk about women seems to imply you see them as objects who should serve you, and not as regular human beings (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). The reason why I say this is because of all the hateful things you've said so far about married women, not wanting to befriend married women, etc, which implies that they're disposable pieces of meat if they fail to serve you.

Women are just roughly 50% of the population, and they're simply humans like us. Unfortunately, no human (male or female) owes you or me the time of day, their attention, or their admiration - these things are earned and hopefully reciprocated in order to form bonds with one another. Having obsessive ulterior motives really makes other humans feel weird, no matter who it is, and if you're putting off those vibes to anyone they're probably not going to like you.

It's that dreaded feedback loop, I know, but people aren't stupid. They want a genuine connection just like us. You might seriously benefit from seeing a therapist about this if you want to overcome it, but ultimately that's your call.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Obviously, I wasn't there to witness all these interactions you've had with females. I am guessing that they sensed something "off" when they were near you,...and either stopped interacting with you, and/or removed themselves. On one hand, from your perspective,...yeah,...I can see where you may have felt that they were being mean towards you. On the other hand,...most women are brought up with this very confusing message where "a good man" is supposed to be the protector, assertive, strong (mentally and physically), loving, romantic,....and yet, they are also cautioned about men being controlling, physically abusive, sexually aggressive, and potential killers of them and their children. So, flipping it around, trying to understand the female perspective may be helpful here,...there's a darn good reason to be "afraid of a strange man". Now, like you've observed,...it comes off as more avoidance behavior,...perhaps with a bit of "side eye" and attitude.

I don't know if this is going to work for you at all,...but it might. So, if you've ever read some of my posts, you know I am an educator, a mentor, a team leader,...so, being autistic,...yeah,...I may not sense exactly to what extent I am different,...but I am. Instead of having people not sure of what they are dealing with (me),...I will often just get out in front of it and just say "I am on the autism spectrum,...so if you are sensing something a bit "off",...that's what it is." If you can use a bit of humor with it, be humble,...but also let them know that "you're a big boy now and it's OK",...translation, you don't need their pity,...and then get right into the conversation. Most people will not know how to respond to your confession,...so they will give you a blank look,...so at that point it's up to you to change the subject to something they can relate to. "So, how did you like the sermon today?" (If you were at church).

If people are sensing "something abnormal", however subtle, and not sure what it is,...it is instinctual to have avoidance behaviors. By letting them know "what it is" they are sensing, it drops their walls down for a moment,...and that's when you can move forward with your conversation. After that,...it's all on you. If you can go one-on-one with a good amount of social reciprocity,...I think you're going to have a much better experience.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
The reason why I sometimes think of them as objects is because I grew up wanting to be friends but I could not talk to them.
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
The reason why I sometimes think of them as objects is because I grew up wanting to be friends but I could not talk to them.
This is deflection.

Try:
"I'm sorry. When I was younger, and socially isolated, I sometimes thought of women that way.
I accept that it's a problem in an adult, and I'm working on resolving it."

You need to understand and accept yourself as you have been and as you are.
But also you need to become a better person. The way forward includes identifying and addressing problems.

Start today.
Start with your next post.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The reason why I sometimes think of them as objects is because I grew up wanting to be friends but I could not talk to them.
That's a good point. If you have been disconnected from women, it's an easy thing to dehumanize them as a protective coping mechanism. However,...differences can be an asset to you both,...if you both understand that neither of you will understand each other,...accept it,...and then embrace it with good communication.

It's a strange thing,...and this is coming from someone who is married and raised kids,...but I have no idea what my wife is thinking, we have very little in common as far as interests, she does her thing, I do mine, we are completely different people. Yet, I have also made the observation the two of us, when together, make one good person,...balanced,...we complement each other.

I think, sometimes, it is bad advice for an autistic individual to seek out "someone like them",...choosing a partner based upon shared interests, etc,...someone who understands the autistic condition, etc. There will be things that each of you will be good at,...and not. In my example, we complement each other. She does the social things, answering the door, talking to sales people, organizing the social calendar, etc. I often do long-term financial strategizing, vehicle, home, and yard maintenance. She reads fiction and watches romance movies. I read non-fiction and watch action, sci-fi, fantasy movies. On nearly every metric, my wife and I are opposites. BUT, get us together playing any sort of trivia game, crossword puzzle,...anything that requires knowledge,...we will whip right through it. If we are playing games with other people, I want my wife on my team because we will likely win. If we are planning anything,...we will often look at things from different perspectives,...and come up with a good plan.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
I also meet a new guy friend yesterday. We talked yesterday while walking and you know what it's not the end of the world.

When I got to Church early I ran into a couple and we talked. Then another woman who ignored me said hi and smiled at me.

My male friend today at Church during greetings with a woman he's friends with who I also thought ignored me but we talked for a while and you guessed it she is friendly.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
I also remember years ago I was walking home with a wagon of water bottles and other things. I saw an attractive woman walking so I tried to rush to avoid her. The wagon tipped over and I fell. She asked me "are you okay"? I said yes. She then said, "are you sure"? I said yes. So, she was polite and not mean.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
I had another attractive woman come up me yesterday to ask me something. This is the fourth time it happened this month.
 

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