How to Start a relationship with another ASD

[PinkPhilodendron]

So there is this guy that I feel attracted to since the First day we met....at Work unfortunately, He is a supplier. I could explain how strongly and tenderly and protective I feel about him, but that would Take quite some Lines and I want answers Not bored readers. So:

1. If you are in an ASD-ASD relationship : how did it Happen ? How did you know your Partner liked you? How did you move from staring and talking to dating?
2. How do I Show him I Like him without overstepping, without harrassing and without scaring him?
3. How would I know that He has No romantic interest?

Thanks for answering, I am completely lost and so scared I might make hin feel uncomfortable or lose him because i am unable to show my feelings...

 

[Aspychata]

For ASD-ASD
We need mediators because our communication style is different or non-existent.

Listening, respecting boundaries, asking for clarification, understanding your special nuances, and an openness to meeting another ASD.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Wish I could help because I think those of us with ASD deserve good relationships when we desire them. My spouse is not ASD, but she had some social and generalized anxiety. I did not know that my spouse liked me until I asked her after an especially good day together exploring Cades Cove in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. We started out much before then just talking. I got the idea that she was open to me as she enjoyed my calls and maintained communication and did not ghost me as some others had done. But things were unusual in our situation as we went from 0 to 100 in one evening after having an intense 4 days together car pooling to a trip. For you, perhaps baby steps for now.
1. I think a start is just friendly conversation.
2. You can do the asking to see if he would like to continue the conversation by going out for a cuppa coffee or some such no pressure thing. It's not a date yet, though it signals your interest.
3. If this continues, you can judge that he likes your company. If he isn't open to you and begs off, then you know he would not care for a relationship.
4. If the enjoyment of these conversations is mutual, then if he is shy he may be hesitant to take things further without a clear sign from you. It is not overstepping at this point to tell him that you enjoy those times with him and want to get to know him better. It is OK at this point to even say that you are a little shy and hoping that there is more that you can do together.
Then, it is all ad-libbing from there on.

Just remember, we all have feelings and desires, though we may not communicate them well. The task is to facilitate the communication.

 

[Aspychata]

Those are some great ideas. Some of us can be quite shy, quite insecure. We can mask to cover this up, so things move slowly with us. I talked to someone almost 2 years before l finally had the courage to meet in person.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Those are some great ideas. Some of us can be quite shy, quite insecure. We can mask to cover this up, so things move slowly with us. I talked to someone almost 2 years before l finally had the courage to meet in person.

I was profoundly insecure before meeting my spouse. At that time if any woman even suggested to go out for a coffee, I would have been on cloud nine even though I would have been shy and nearly tongue tied. I find it so sad that I must have denied myself good relationships. So, I have offered ideas to avoid the mistakes I made. I just wish I has been as kind towards myself.

 

[Fino]

I have always simply told them I liked them. It's gone well.

 

[Tom]

I don't know, but when it comes to courtship the Bower Bird has it going on.

 

[Bolletje]

My Aspie ass is super straightforward, so I just tell people I’m into them. The Bolletje model of courting:
1. See person I like
2. Strike up conversation
3. Repeat step 1 and 2 with that person until I feel like we’re getting along well and they could be interested
4. Tell them I’m interested
5. Success! (Or failure, if they’re not interested, but knowing this gives closure)

But I haven’t ever tried to get together with someone at the workplace. I would advice caution if it’s someone you work closely with, but I can’t quite make that out from your message.

Anyway, the best starting point is conversation.

 

[VictorR]

I don't have any relationship advice, but I would suggest before potentially instigating one, is to check your employer's policies to see if there is anything on that - some places have rules that may require disclosure on if you have any relationships (be they family, friend, or someone you're dating) to a co-worker or someone they do business with, and depending on the circumstance, may require someone in such a situation to be re-assigned to a different role to minimize potential conflict of interest situations.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

For ASD-ASD
We need mediators because our communication style is different or non-existent.

Well, I thought that If in one year I am still crazy about him without any progress I might ask one of my other colleagues for help...

1. I think a start is just friendly conversation.
2. You can do the asking to see if he would like to continue the conversation by going out for a cuppa coffee or some such no pressure thing. It's not a date yet, though it signals your interest.

How ist that not a Date??? It's a meeting designed just for talking. I already get nervous when we actually work and he starts talking about personal topics because that already feels like dating...i already thought of replies to my boss If He should come over and ask stupid questions about that...he actually already Made a "so you call that working" comment when He saw me come Out of his office once...so yeah, perhaps I should stay at No. 1 until I feel more brave or more relaxed....thank you for the beautiful advice and your lovely Story <3

I have always simply told them I liked them. It's gone well.

My Aspie ass is super straightforward, so I just tell people I’m into them.

So yeah, that's what I usually do to as I am normally very Open. That's what i did with my ex. But with this one I can't. Feels like when He is there all my filters open to maximum and I get overwhelmed and lose my coolness...
But perhaps I can relax Back into being less overwhelmed after some more time with him...

I don't have any relationship advice, but I would suggest before potentially instigating one, is to check your employer's policies.

Thanks! I will. Once there ist something going on. I fear there are more jobs i am interested in then men so here ist the priority..

Thank you all for your advice and personal experiences, it is very much appreciated!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

How ist that not a Date???

I think of dates as being events that are mutually enjoyable to feel out serious intentions with somebody. Of course this can happen with conversations done with the intent of merely enjoying their company.

That he is secure in sharing personal details is significant. We ASD tend to overshare, but I usually saved the very personal for somebody who I was attracted to. For me It seemed like a way to show that I was open to the personal sharing of an intimate relationship.

He likes you, and if he is a shy ASD, he is probably looking for signs that the attraction is mutual.

I think that going one to one, whether a cuppa joe or just a walk can probably bring out the best in both of you. Then, you can assess and move at a pace acceptable to you.

The biggest hurdle for me to overcome, yet the most rewarding, was realizing that intimacy required me to share some fundamental aspects of myself. It scared me the first time, but it left me thunderstruck by her acceptance of me, which up to that point I had despaired of experiencing.

 

[Aspychata]

Get you there. My guy is on the spectrum, one time l was so overwhelmed with emotions, l got up and left. Too many intense good feelings. It's a lot for us to get thru. But the upside, we can be very passionate with each other, and we are both more accepting of that. Before he may have felt threatened.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

I think of dates as being events that are mutually enjoyable to feel out serious intentions with somebody.

So it's a date when both know it's one and it's not when I sneekily try to find out if he is interested. Learned Something!

For me It seemed like a way to show that I was open to the personal sharing of an intimate relationship.

He likes you, and if he is a shy ASD, he is probably looking for signs that the attraction is mutual.

What he tells me definitely seems personal, but then again I do not know what he is telling others.
So the signs I should give him. I guess I can seem cold even If I am full of teenagerlike-crushing. But my voice is tender only when I am talking to him, I stopped pulling away when he accidently touches me, I do stare back at him, I try to smile when I can coordinate it, and when he is close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body or face I stay put and enjoy it.
I have issues with literal communication though, sharing personal details, I guess because I don't know what would interest him, but I try to answer questions. But I do suck at it.

The biggest hurdle for me to overcome, yet the most rewarding, was realizing that intimacy required me to share some fundamental aspects of myself.

I am usually very scared of that too. Most of the time I don't even show my vulnerability to my close friends. It just hurts when you have to explain several times but they still don't understand.
With him though, I am being myself and letting myself be Open and vulnerable and letting some of the autistic traits show through. It doesn't seem to irritate him.

Get you there. My guy is on the spectrum, one time l was so overwhelmed with emotions, l got up and left. Too many intense good feelings. It's a lot for us to get thru. But the upside, we can be very passionate with each other, and we are both more accepting of that. Before he may have felt threatened.

I am so Happy for you, that you guys found each other! It seems like an upside, that there are things you do not have to explain to one another. Even if they can hurt, they don't make you or your Partner question the love...
I would love to read how your relationship happened to be : ) how Long have you been sharing your life with him now? Of course you don't have to answer If it's too Personal.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

So the signs I should give him. I guess I can seem cold even If I am full of teenagerlike-crushing. But my voice is tender only when I am talking to him, I stopped pulling away when he accidently touches me, I do stare back at him, I try to smile when I can coordinate it, and when he is close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body or face I stay put and enjoy it.
I have issues with literal communication though, sharing personal details, I guess because I don't know what would interest him, but I try to answer questions. But I do suck at it.

I feel happy for you. He lets you into his personal space and I bet he enjoys it too. What you describe is the "dance" of body language that we all do, NT and ND, to show interest in each other, even when we, as ASD, do not pick up such social communication easily. Do not worry too much about how to have a nice one on one conversation. Just express your interests. Don't overthink. And enjoy making the connection with another person. Even now, while my heart belongs to my spouse I enjoy having platonic relationships with others. Feeling accepted is addictive.

I think you are on the right path as you both open up to each other. It is normal to be anxious and you are doing well . . . far better than my dysfunction when I started dating. I wish you great happiness.

 

[paloftoon]

Most ASDs like directness. It's good to build, but do so while "getting to the point". A lot of relationships who have communication issues, the honesty aspect between two ASDs could be better than the typical NT relationship! (Of course, that means that what NTs normally don't struggle with, we're more likely to struggle with more! lol. Doesn't mean it's not possible. Just hard- very hard.)

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

I feel happy for you. He lets you into his personal space and I bet he enjoys it too. What you describe is the "dance" of body language that we all do, NT and ND, to show interest in each other, even when we, as ASD, do not pick up such social communication easily. Do not worry too much about how to have a nice one on one conversation. Just express your interests. Don't overthink. And enjoy making the connection with another person. Even now, while my heart belongs to my spouse I enjoy having platonic relationships with others. Feeling accepted is addictive.

I think you are on the right path as you both open up to each other. It is normal to be anxious and you are doing well . . . far better than my dysfunction when I started dating. I wish you great happiness.

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and the instructions, and the wishes, it helps so much. I feel more secure now taking it slow and enjoying what is and enjoying the experience. I also feel more hopeful now and believe that he really might be interested.
Friendships are super important as they make your life so much more bright and brilliant. They are like a family that you can choose.
Btw. you really sound like you found the autistics manual for living happily ever after : D. It's beautiful.

Most ASDs like directness. It's good to build, but do so while "getting to the point". A lot of relationships who have communication issues, the honesty aspect between two ASDs could be better than the typical NT relationship!

Yes, communication between us is super compressed, which is wonderful when working together. But he already got criticised for the way he talks to me by a colleague. Why do people have to meddle?
And also yes, I feel like he doesn't judge harshly but accepts so it is way easier to be honest with him as I am not holding back out of fear he might judge me as weird or stupid. We are similar in this regard. I am not sure if that trait is more common with ASD folk or just a personality thing though.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Btw. you really sound like you found the autistics manual for living happily ever after : D. It's beautiful.

I have not found that yet. I am in Cognitive Processing Therapy for the social isolation I felt decades ago, so I continually work to be a better person. If only I could have realized at that time what I am telling you. I remain intent on seeing people avoid the mistakes I made. (and am frustrated here by one person who is his worst enemy and seems to want to avoid happiness)

While I thought at the time that I was learning to be a better person, it did not feel that way. Yet, I think it primed me to act when I met my spouse. Her acceptance of me actually changed my life. And that is why I wish you the best .

 

[paloftoon]

. . .


Yes, communication between us is super compressed, which is wonderful when working together. But he already got criticised for the way he talks to me by a colleague. Why do people have to meddle?
And also yes, I feel like he doesn't judge harshly but accepts so it is way easier to be honest with him as I am not holding back out of fear he might judge me as weird or stupid. We are similar in this regard. I am not sure if that trait is more common with ASD folk or just a personality thing though.

It's hard to know how to act in the moment, but you can prepare yourself for another similar moment. If you and your partner didn't ask for someone's advice, you can tell them that my boyfriend understands our unique communication situation. Thank them for trying to help and also ask them not to help, smile, and walk away with your boyfriend!

If someone is a stranger/acquaintance and context doesn't give them proper space to help or "help" you out, they shouldn't be helping you out. If it's a true friend trying to advise you, you should be direct 1-1 with them if you can to let them know that you appreciate their help but that you don't want it and don't feel it is helping. Also, that you and your boyfriend are handling your potential issues internally and are happy satisfied with the reconciled differences.