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How to replace self-doubt with self-validation?

Metalhead

Video game and movie addict.
V.I.P Member
Sometimes, self doubt can be a good thing.

But not when it becomes a defined character trait that keeps one from making a serious effort to build himself up.

And living for external validation is a waste of time.

Some people are telling me I am worth the effort to build myself up. Logically, I know they are right, but I have many decades of internalized hatred that I got from many other people. Flipping it off like it was a light switch is not going to happen.

So, logic clashes with knee jerk reactions.

Any brilliant ideas here?
 
Well, a couple of things occur to me.

1. If you drink at all... stop. Entirely. Alcohol is called a "depressant" for a reason. If you want to build yourself up, you cant ingest something that has the explicit and singular purpose of tearing you down.

2. Better diet. It's all science and chemicals and whatnot. How are you supposed to feel good, and thus be in a state where you can start to improve yourself, if chemically everything's all wonky inside? Better diet, more water.

3. For the love of poodles, find some ACTIVE activities. Active. As in, not passive things like watching TV or movies. Not that those things are bad, but you're not truly engaging your mind when you're doing that (or engaging anything else), and it aint gonna help you in any way. Maybe try a totally new hobby, even. Get out there and walk a lot. Dance on a rooftop for no reason or throw paint at a tree, I dunno, just SOMETHING.

4. Stop telling yourself you cant do things, or that everything is awful, or that you'll never have X. And dont focus on things like "I currently dont have this thing that others do". That general type of statement. Honestly based on the posts you make on here, you seem to do this A LOT. Which isnt exactly uncommon for someone in the sort of state you seem to be in. Stop saying "I cant" and say "I can".

5. Actually act on something. I've seen you make posts kinda like this before, but... you seem to repeat this general theme. I mean, you can ask for advice all you want, but if you dont get up and apply some of it... how in the world is any of it supposed to serve any sort of purpose?

We cant fix your problems for you. We can only advise. YOU have to do it, and that means acting, not wallowing. Just posting over and over about stuff like this... it aint gonna do you any good. You can either get up and take action, or watch your problems walk around, taunting you... which sounds better?
 
The secret to having good self esteem is; do not try to build yourself up. You won't believe yourself and your own encouragement will feel like a lie and gaslighting.

Instead, refuse to judge yourself. Make no determination about your thoughts and actions either good or bad. Just let yourself be. As you practice letting yourself be, practice letting others be as well. Just let all criticisims and praise roll off your thoughts and give those thoughts no attention. This is mindfulness.

When you stop judging yourself and others you will just naturally feel better.

This way of living takes practice. It will feel unnatural at first. You will still judge yourself, that is o.k.. The point is to just push your judgments gently away and not dwell on them.

Eventually those judgements will stop. Try it for an hour, then try it for a day, then a week, a month and so on. It won't be long before you feel better.
 
Take your thoughts captive. Don't be a victim of a stream of uncontrolled messages. We have control over our thoughts. Correct them, again and again, to the point of madness.
 
Replace your current sense of self (conscious or not) with 'As good as anyone, but not better than anyone'.
 
Good advice here, especially about taking action. Start taking some small actions. Just ignore the voices in your subconscious that say no. Just do it anyway. I used to tell them to take a walk, or worse. Especially in my home, where I wasn't able to be overheard. They got told to take a flying jump.

You want to do better for yourself. They are irrelevant naysayers. Define a goal, and take actions towards it. Laugh at the negative voices. They are wannabes. They have no power over you now. You got away!
 
First look at yourself realistically. No one is perfect; accept your imperfections. Acknowledge your good points. Then set the values and standards that you want to live by. Who do you want to be? What kind of person. Then work toward those. You have to have a reason or reasons other than the goal of staying sober. Accept that you won't meet them all the time but all we can do is the best we can do. If you can say at the end of the day with all honestly that you did your best on this day then accept it.

Addictions are often the result of poor coping mechanisms. You can change them but be aware that we all want to be in our comfort zone even it that zone is destructive to us thus it is easy to fall back into that way of coping. You must make a commitment to do what is best for yourself and that means finding positive coping mechanisms to replace the negative ones. Be aware that people who have an addiction often replace one addiction with another one because they are feeding a need. Determine what need you are feeding. The need is what led to the addiction. Feed that need in constructive ways. Destructive coping mechanisms are learned and you can learn constructive coping mechanisms to replace the destructive ones. Remember we aren't born knowing anything we learn what we know.

Also our thoughts create pathways in our minds. The more we think those thoughts the more embedded they become. It is like how the Colorado River carved out the Grand Canyon. When we have thoughts that will negatively impact us we need to create and maintain a new thought pathway. This pathway will increase in depth the more we use it and the negative one will shrink. It takes being mindful of our thoughts and their impact on us constantly. Yes, it is hard but it comes down to really being motivated to change. Ask yourself how is this thought beneficial to me? Get rid of what is not good for you. Chuck it out. Put up a blockade to negative thoughts. Stop them in their tracks. Try telling yourself that you love yourself and want what is best for yourself several times a day even if you don't believe it at first. New thought pattern. New canyon. Look in the mirror and talk to yourself. Engage with yourself with what you want to happen, with how you want to be and live.

Remember that we have choices every single minute of every single day. Be aware of the choices you are making. What are your choices based on?
If your reasons for your bad coping mechanisms include how others treated you be determined to spit in their face. Don't give them the satisfaction of having destroyed you. What gives them that right? Living well especially despite an addiction is a vindication. It is a win and those who tried to destroy you lose every day that you refuse to be destroyed. Refuse to let your enemies win. They have taken some of your life but not all. Not by a long shot. Refuse to give them any more of it.

Yes, work, work and more work but you didn't get where you are without putting the effort into doing it and you can put that same effort into changing. You can get what you want one choice at a time and one minute at a time. When being sober for a day is too much to handle break it down into smaller more manageable time frames even if those time frames are minute by minute. You will stumble and you might even fall but you get back up and you keep on going.

Progress no matter how slow is still progress. I am rooting for you.
 
It sounds to me like from what you said so far one goal of yours is to feel better about yourself, but you do not belief yet that can happen because of all those lifetime of negative reinforcements which caused ingrained and unchangeable self doubt.

Just in your one post alone, I feel you hit on two of the several important components I feel that are often needed to achieve, in order to find more happiness, functionality, and success in one's life. Others may differ with how I processed and did things, so I'll just give my opinions and what I did.

If to feel better about yourself is one goal, I feel that seems attainable, but after you read this further if you feel it is not, create a smaller goal along those lines first; one where you feel you would be more able to be achieved in your mind after seeing if the below other steps will make your main goal seem realistic.

Now, with regards to your goal, do you have the physical and/or mental energy to work in that direction? @Misery was right when she for instanced focused on any alcohol you are taking and any lack of nutrition, to name a few. Would those not be potentially big obstacles in not having enough energy to work toward your goal?

If you cannot reduce or eliminate alcohol, such that you have a less depressive state of mind, and if you are not eating healthier foods, or not getting some needed medication, perhaps one or both of those goals may need to be your goals first, or at least you may need to accomplish those first, before proceeding on that original goal.

Why would one with more depressed mood and/or with less energy from being in a more depressed or less healthier physical and mental state be able to have that energy to think and feel in a clearer or more receptive or positive way? I mean, it would seem like being more healthy could give more reason to have belief of success.

And that is what you indicated you were having trouble with in your post. You mentioned you did not believe you could overcome a lifetime of self-doubt and criticisms. It would seem like by creating an attainable goal, and having the energy needed to start on that path could be the first two necessary components to focus on.

Once you felt you had those successes there, as remember, not everyone will even create goals, or they create them too large so they will give up out of frustration, and not everyone wants any change, so you seem one step up from them there. So, by you admitting you want better, and seeming to want answers, those are huge pluses, and you could be soon on your journey to healthier and happier living.

Once you create your goal, and find that extra energy, through step by step healthier eating and drinking, and by doing anything else that can make you in a more receptive state of mind, like exercise, more or less sleep, and any treatment, and getting into good routines there, I think this should give you enough sense of accomplishments for you to believe you can proceed on a path to reach a goal, like to feel better about yourself.

And once one has some belief then that that goal can occur, from those other successes, they then may be motivated to act. I have seen time and time again persons not acting in life on good advice and on this forum, and it seems like it is because they never set specific attainable goals to start, and because they did not have the energy, and then the belief of the goal's success as they needed other successes or knowledge first to propel them forward in that direction.

Motivation may more often naturally occur once those other mentioned things are accomplished first. Think of motivation as sometimes requiring a few or more step-by-step, smaller successes. Too often persons want to jump over steps, or they are impatient and want quick results, or they may fail to see the important details or other steps that could greatly mean the difference between success and failure.

Also, too often persons are not motivated because they do not want that goal for themselves. They could be trying to please a friend, partner, or they are just trying to fit in. That's why I did not create my goals with others in mind. My goals were my own to worry less, think more positively, to have higher social self-esteem, and to be physically healthier. I figured doing so would automatically make me live better.

Once one is motivated to act, after having a realistic or attainable goal, the energy, and some belief of it's success, of course one needs a plan of action. If one cannot figure that out, resort to research and asking expert others in that department. No plan will work for all, as we all are different, and with different abilities, triggers, sensitivities, learning ways, and tolerances.

In my case, I created a step by step plan like a flowchart, for my goals, or I saw it like dividing up a book using an outline. Then I needed to Act, as a plan means nothing if I just dream. For instance, for one goal to lessen self-doubt, I did research positive thinking and CBT techniques, then for each of those techniques I agreed with or felt I could do, I broke them down further, and set aside a few minutes a day for doing each of those, but increasing the time, the more I got used to such.

I eventually over a few weeks saw those efforts as not really work, and not difficult, but as fun, easy and rewarding, and it caused me to dream of even bigger things. I was simply daily replacing unealthier routines and beliefs about myself, from a past history of negative reinforcements there, with new daily positive thoughts, visualizations and pushing away negative thoughts and feelings quicker, after learning from those.

Of course just because we are now acting from following a plan, this does not mean there could be everything that runs smoothly. Sometimes unexpected happenings occur, or we may need to deviate from a plan, and react accordingly. That is Ok. Rarely does everything run perfectly according to any plan. That is why those other components mentioned seem important to me, so we do not give up when one path closes up.

There are always often many different ways to accomplish things. Luck can get us there at rare times faster, but our knowledge, efforts, patience, attention to details, and resilience, will often be the keys, besides those other things mentioned. I believe in you all here. You all seem detailed and smart in ways, and found this place to reach out here and want to learn more or to get more support, and you all seem resilient too, so I have faith in all of you to find more successes and happiness.
 
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Screw it. I'm joining a local gym tomorrow. I would do it today, but I am at the office and I don't have appropriate gym clothes on me right now. Time for me to lift some weights again.

I have not had any booze in a month. I have not had any Mary Jane in a month. That is improvement.

I have been eating too much Thai food recently instead of cooking at home, and it totally up to me to change that habit.

And I have not been spending as unwisely recently. In fact, most of my disposable income has been going towards paying off my debts in the last month. I worked out a plan with all of my creditors that lowered both the monthly payments and the interest rates, I just have to stick to it for two and a half years and then I will be debt free.

I think the biggest thing I need to do with my life right now is learn how to not take anybody in my family seriously. Who they believe I am is not who I am. I have to live for myself and not give a damn about their approval anymore. New bike coming in a month from now, in that case.
 
I had the ideal autistic upbringing (IMHO) in the 50s. Lots of freedom, sensory, action, animals, and a comfortable crack to hide in during school incarceration. I was also an early reader (though spelling is ridiculous).

I learned to be my own BFF. I reject the lies the "experts" spread.

Autism is the hero's journey I chose in the Bardo. I have rocked it and I am proud of my accomplishments.

There are always going to be party poopers who rain on my parade but I do not let the bas**rds get me down. This is my fate.

My destiny is how well I play the game!

I call it the Mario Bros philosophy - who would play a game in which you comfortably move from start to finish without incident. No - you start, play like hell, are killed, only to get back in the game with more skills. Play, die, play until you beat it.

NO ONE DEFINES ME BUT GOD. God knows every hair on my head and is well pleased.
 
Yeah, I have let my blood family live inside my headspace rent free for far too long.

I am going to start making all sorts of weekend plans that will conveniently make me unable to meet up with them on a regular basis. More physical distance is a good idea in this case.

Hell, an Uber to visit local gay meetups does not cost that much. Some budgeting here and there will make that happen.

Hell, a commuter train to Seattle is within walking distance from where I live. I can spend some time up there on my days off work, although it does not run on weekends.

I have lots of options when I kick the BS residents out of my head.
 
The more you make yourself successful, the more you make dragon mom unhappy. Just that alone should fire you up to get going. Fake it until you make it. You are already a success, you broke out of the family prison, the mom warden couldn't contain you anymore.

Now you are going in for the final levels of self-rediscovery and setting your boundaries ,(you will get better at that). You are creating new healthly patterns and interactions. If woman trigger you, maybe they remind you of your mother. Just understand you still may trigger here and there, and thats okay too.
 
You may bit a bit 'trauma-bonded' to your family, have a look at the concept and see if it applies to your situation.
 
You may bit a bit 'trauma-bonded' to your family, have a look at the concept and see if it applies to your situation.

Sorry, I did not mean to click "Funny" when I first made the rating.

You are absolutely correct there.
 
The secret to having good self esteem is; do not try to build yourself up. You won't believe yourself and your own encouragement will feel like a lie and gaslighting.

Instead, refuse to judge yourself. Make no determination about your thoughts and actions either good or bad. Just let yourself be. As you practice letting yourself be, practice letting others be as well. Just let all criticisims and praise roll off your thoughts and give those thoughts no attention. This is mindfulness.

When you stop judging yourself and others you will just naturally feel better.

This way of living takes practice. It will feel unnatural at first. You will still judge yourself, that is o.k.. The point is to just push your judgments gently away and not dwell on them.

Eventually those judgements will stop. Try it for an hour, then try it for a day, then a week, a month and so on. It won't be long before you feel better.

Oh I've gotta try this. You have some great suggestions lately!
 
Sorry, I did not mean to click "Funny" when I first made the rating.

You are absolutely correct there.

oh ok, I was trauma bonded to mine but I'd never heard of the concept, back then, it helped to know that's what it was.
 
The more you make yourself successful, the more you make dragon mom unhappy.
My apologies; I strongly disagree here. The whole point for the OP & us others with family of origin issues, is to let them fade into the distance, to move along a path distinct from family, not to continue reacting to them.
 

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