How to remove “the mask”

[JNZ]

I’m exhausted. I think I’ve been covering up my true self for a very long time. I have been so stuck on the idea that someday I’ll learn how to be not awkward, I’ll learn to be normal. But I am weird. I don’t want to do this masking thing anymore. How do I just let my true self shine through? How do not care about people looking at me or judging me? Or care less?

I want to bypass all the normal social rules and just be. But I have to work and control myself with every interaction. I want real tips. How to get in touch with me and be ok with it.

 

[Fino]

It may be helpful to start with one person, if you have anyone you're close with. You can practice being yourself with them, doing things you usually inhibit, saying things you usually censor, and so on. As you get comfortable with one or two people, you'll get better at doing it around other people and it should eventually begin to happen on its own and, ultimately, without effort or much awareness.

It also may be an option to practice with strangers. Since you won't see them again you can be however you want!

Practicing with a therapist could help.

You can begin to recognize, if you haven't already, very specific things you're altering or controlling. Become aware of the things consistently being hidden. Just knowing what they are will help.

Then try to think of what you'd prefer to do be doing and imagine yourself doing that! Pick just one, small thing at first and practice replacing the fake behavior with the authentic one. You can practice mentally for a while before actually trying it, if you'd prefer.

That's all I can think of right now. I hope at least one of these was at all helpful. Good luck!

 

[Mary Lyn]

JNZ

There is a lot of help online for people who have lost touch with their 'inner being' through trauma There are courses that are helpful.

One thing that helps is keeping a journal through your healing journey and putting a photo in of you as a child.

The idea is to co-partner yourself and get back in touch with that little child part of you that has been abandoned by you and promising them that you will not let them down again and will speak up for them and be there and present.

You also need to learn what healthy boundaries are. Good luck! After a whole lifetime I am finally coming home to myself.

 

[Progster]

It's not easy to let go - masks are often so firmly embedded and their removal can cause you to feel fear and make you feel vulnerable. They have to be unlearned. It can be hard to discern where the mask ends and you begin. It takes time and a lot of courage.

 

[Theta.G]

I have been so stuck on the idea that someday I’ll learn how to be not awkward, I’ll learn to be normal.

Unless you've been making plans to put this into action or are actively taking action right now then "someday" will never come.


But I am weird. I don’t want to do this masking thing anymore. How do I just let my true self shine through?

Many, spend years trying to overcome it. To take off that mask. There's no "overnight" solution.
To let your true self shine through without a care. You will have to treat this as a priority and spend your spare time doing lots of study and research. There are a couple of "short cuts" which are really the answer you'll find at the end of your study. However without the prerequisite knowledge from study and research you would very likely destroy yourself in the process. You have to understand what you're doing and why it works. Otherwise, if something does go wrong in the process you won't know how to fix it. And depending on the method used, noone else will either.

How do not care about people looking at me or judging me?
Or care less?

Building on the previous answer, you can reprogram the way you interpret others words and their actions. or Develop high self esteem. Why do you care about people looking at you? If it's related to some sort of a trauma that would have to be dealt with. Is it related to insecurity? Find the source and address the issue.

If going your own route through study you must consider all the causes and effects you can think of in your new programming. The implications on yourself and others. For example if you programmed yourself to not care what others think of you. Broad statement right. It will work to deter negative influences from others yet when a loved one says they love you, or they express a certain feeling you won't care about that either.

Alternatively you could do a lot less study and research finding a psychologist who specializes in such matters. You'll still have to put in the work but if you have the money it could save some time.
I'm of the belief that it if you want something done right you do it yourself. However if this is just related to self esteem and not something that's part of your core beliefs, the foundation of who you are or trauma then it should be an easier fix. Search in yourself then find the cause. Once you find the cause you know what to look for outside of yourself.

 

[Gracey]

Start with self first.
Acceptance and learning to love everything about you.

Let go of fears.
Fear of humiliation, rejection, embarrassment.

Easier said than done

I think masks are a hard wired habit learned from experience for protection, surviving, acceptance into a group.

They’re useful albeit exhausting.

To lose your mask is getting yourself to a place wear you couldn’t give a monkeys what others think.

 

[Otenba]

When your behaviour changes to be more genuine to yourself, be prepared for people to not be okay with the change. Their responses should not stop you seeking your more suitable place in life, but just be aware that they might give you a hard time because they're used to you being the old way. People don't like change. You may find who your real friends are from this shift. Best wishes.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Overcoming Self-Sabotage

"This course invites you to honor the lessons from your past experiences so that your future will have a new tone, a new vibration, and a new kind of passion. You will be guided through powerful lessons that include specific information about how to overcome different aspects of self-sabotage, a new audio meditation each lesson to help you directly access your innate wisdom, and tangible action steps to help you make peace with your past and create radical shifts in your life."

 

[Fino]

JNZ

There is a lot of help online for people who have lost touch with their 'inner being' through trauma There are courses that are helpful.

One thing that helps is keeping a journal through your healing journey and putting a photo in of you as a child.

The idea is to co-partner yourself and get back in touch with that little child part of you that has been abandoned by you and promising them that you will not let them down again and will speak up for them and be there and present.

You also need to learn what healthy boundaries are. Good luck! After a whole lifetime I am finally coming home to myself.

That reminds me of this book I read at the recommendation of a therapist:

Charles L. Whitfield M.D.
Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

 

[Judge]

For me the only thing that has transformed me in this regard is age and self-awareness. Somewhere between my 50s and 60s I simply ceased to care. I now only mask my traits and behavior in select circumstances instead of all the time.

However in the most pragmatic sense, living in partial isolation and being retired allows me to do so.

 

[JNZ]

When your behaviour changes to be more genuine to yourself, be prepared for people to not be okay with the change. Their responses should not stop you seeking your more suitable place in life, but just be aware that they might give you a hard time because they're used to you being the old way. People don't like change. You may find who your real friends are from this shift. Best wishes.

Yes I’m already experiencing this. I know it’s going to be hard for my family to understand that the person they’ve gotten to know isn’t my true self

 

[JNZ]

I have been so stuck on the idea that someday I’ll learn how to be not awkward, I’ll learn to be normal.

Unless you've been making plans to put this into action or are actively taking action right now then "someday" will never come.


But I am weird. I don’t want to do this masking thing anymore. How do I just let my true self shine through?

Many, spend years trying to overcome it. To take off that mask. There's no "overnight" solution.
To let your true self shine through without a care. You will have to treat this as a priority and spend your spare time doing lots of study and research. There are a couple of "short cuts" which are really the answer you'll find at the end of your study. However without the prerequisite knowledge from study and research you would very likely destroy yourself in the process. You have to understand what you're doing and why it works. Otherwise, if something does go wrong in the process you won't know how to fix it. And depending on the method used, noone else will either.

How do not care about people looking at me or judging me?
Or care less?

Building on the previous answer, you can reprogram the way you interpret others words and their actions. or Develop high self esteem. Why do you care about people looking at you? If it's related to some sort of a trauma that would have to be dealt with. Is it related to insecurity? Find the source and address the issue.

If going your own route through study you must consider all the causes and effects you can think of in your new programming. The implications on yourself and others. For example if you programmed yourself to not care what others think of you. Broad statement right. It will work to deter negative influences from others yet when a loved one says they love you, or they express a certain feeling you won't care about that either.

Alternatively you could do a lot less study and research finding a psychologist who specializes in such matters. You'll still have to put in the work but if you have the money it could save some time.
I'm of the belief that it if you want something done right you do it yourself. However if this is just related to self esteem and not something that's part of your core beliefs, the foundation of who you are or trauma then it should be an easier fix. Search in yourself then find the cause. Once you find the cause you know what to look for outside of yourself.

This is a very thorough answer. Thank you very much.

 

[JNZ]

It's not easy to let go - masks are often so firmly embedded and their removal can cause you to feel fear and make you feel vulnerable. They have to be unlearned. It can be hard to discern where the mask ends and you begin. It takes time and a lot of courage.

That’s a really good point. I don’t know where the mask begins and ends right now.

 

[JNZ]

It may be helpful to start with one person, if you have anyone you're close with. You can practice being yourself with them, doing things you usually inhibit, saying things you usually censor, and so on. As you get comfortable with one or two people, you'll get better at doing it around other people and it should eventually begin to happen on its own and, ultimately, without effort or much awareness.

It also may be an option to practice with strangers. Since you won't see them again you can be however you want!

Practicing with a therapist could help.

You can begin to recognize, if you haven't already, very specific things you're altering or controlling. Become aware of the things consistently being hidden. Just knowing what they are will help.

Then try to think of what you'd prefer to do be doing and imagine yourself doing that! Pick just one, small thing at first and practice replacing the fake behavior with the authentic one. You can practice mentally for a while before actually trying it, if you'd prefer.

That's all I can think of right now. I hope at least one of these was at all helpful. Good luck!

This is some good advice. I like the idea of small steps. It’s much more accessible than thinking about a huge transformation.

 

[JNZ]

Thank you everyone who replied. It’s so great to get advice from people who experience some of what I do, and think similarly to me.

 

[guitarandtattoos]

@JNZ Hmm, I understand what you mean, It's like when I walk out the door I just think of everything that's socially acceptable and I feel like I have to do everything to a tee for a **** storm not to happen. It can be exhausting. I think your best option is to accept who you are and realize that if someone doesn't appreciate or isn't fond of you because you're different then they can get lost.

 

[WereBear]

I once had a meditation where I embraced the “child who had been lost,” my true self. I hugged her and told her how special she is and try to include her in the life she didn’t get at the time.

It helped me be more aware of my masking.

 

[Tom]

I wouldn't bother. If you take off the mask you'll just find another underneath.

 

[paloftoon]

Along with focusing on yourself first, look for social groups that are specifically for people on the spectrum. If you're lucky, you may have one or a few in your area. Here, you can be more yourself as well, and have other people to possibly help you along with this journey as well.

 

[Canismajoris]

I’m exhausted. I think I’ve been covering up my true self for a very long time. I have been so stuck on the idea that someday I’ll learn how to be not awkward, I’ll learn to be normal. But I am weird. I don’t want to do this masking thing anymore. How do I just let my true self shine through? How do not care about people looking at me or judging me? Or care less?

I want to bypass all the normal social rules and just be. But I have to work and control myself with every interaction. I want real tips. How to get in touch with me and be ok with it.

Feeling your pain and strugling with the same. I can be pretty darn good in pretending to be typical but it is so exhausting...