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How to reconcile with sister

Kevin L.

Well-Known Member
Hi guys:

I haven't spoken to my family in years because they were emotionally abusive to me because of my autism.

Now, my father has died (without me having a chance to say goodbye), and my sister kept his final illness from me until after his death.

How do I attempt a reconciliation without accepting blame for the situation? My sister seems to want to believe that the whole estrangement thing was all my fault, because if I really loved the family....I would tolerate the emotional abuse, because it's not like they were hitting me or anything.

In other words, I was just being uncaring and neglectful by distancing myself and not speaking to them.
 
How much are you willing to concede for a reconciliation? You’ll probably have to make a lot of concessions, if I understand the story correctly. I’d set some hard limits for yourself beforehand.
 
Emotionally abusive people probably cant or wont change.
Is a relationship with them worth it? Only you can answer that, its a tough decision.
 
My sister seems to want to believe that the whole estrangement thing was all my fault, because if I really loved the family....I would tolerate the emotional abuse, because it's not like they were hitting me or anything.

Emotional abuse is no less than physical abuse. It's still abuse and can carry significant long lasting consequences.

Of course your sister wants to believe it was all your fault; you're the scapegoat. It's easier for her to blame you as it gives her a free pass to not look at her own actions being complicit in apportioning blame.

How do I attempt a reconciliation without accepting blame for the situation?

I'm not sure how you can achieve this. While you may believe in yourself, your family members changing the narrative to accept you were not to blame is unlikely.

I was just being uncaring and neglectful by distancing myself and not speaking to them.

No you weren't. You distancing yourself was the BEST thing you could have done and it may be the best thing you'll do in future. That is, if you choose to do so.

Have a long, hard think about the pros and cons of 'mending' this relationship; how would it benefit you, what you hope to achieve from it and set boundaries if you do decide to embark on trying to build bridges.

I am in a similar situation @Kevin L. Estranged from family due to severe parental physical and emotional abuse and childhood neglect. My siblings sided with my parents so that I am cast out of the family group. I do not foresee me wanting to repair those broken relationships. The cost to my well-being would be too great.

However painful being the scapegoat is, cast out from the (toxic) family, being in it is worse. In my opinion.

I hope you find a way forward that suits what you want to achieve. I feel your pain.
 
Maybe your sister won't need to be blaming you. You won't know if you don't try. The things I have read about ending estrangements all say don't go into the situation with blame, even if you were really wronged. Just see if she would be willing to get together with you. Say you miss her. Then the ball's in her court.

There is no way to go about this that doesn't involve a little emotional risk.
 
As others have said, do think very, very carefully about what you want to get out of this reconciliation. It's hard to accept, but people who are emotionally abusive will not become the people you want them to be. What will happen instead is you get stuck back in that cycle of trying to please them to keep them happy so you see their "good" side, but with a constant fear that if you step out of line, things will get ugly. It can be a very, very damaging relationship. Emotional abuse is incredibly corrosive to your mental well-being, so please tread carefully, whatever you decide to do.
 

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