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how to overcome eye contact problems 5 QUESTIONS

Giovanni

New Member
HI please take the time to read my letter, I guess I am Aspie (hate to be in a box and ask to a doctor), because without fake modesty everybody says to me that I am super intelligent( where my intelligence derive from an amazing amount of books read on different subjects, and life experience based on observation) and because I cannot maintain eye contact. I do not have any repetitive behavior, but I get obsessed by new topics every 2,3 month, can be chess one month, then music production another, vintage watches another one, basically it gives me a lot of endorphins to see dedicated youtube video, scientifical researches etc, and I love this feeling of learning things, I hate banality(REALLY BORING) and find people with asperger or geniuses really nice to hear instead of "less smart" people, i have a character considered super stubborn. Is this common to you as well?(first question)

But anyway I am asking you some question about eye contact:
(second question `IMPORTANT`) how do you overcome the fear of eye contact? I need a method PROVEN PROOF to speak to the other in the eyes without getting emotionally anxious, my anxiety derives from the fact that I can understand really good what the other person is thinking about me, I can perceive all the micro variations if they are lying to me, if they are comfortable and so I find really difficult that I am in my train of thought speaking about some complex topic and then I look them in the face and I understand if they agree with me or not, if they do not agree(I repeat I can read this really accurate) this hurts me and i lose focus on what I am saying, I CAN FORCE MY SELF BUT HURTS, (third question) is this called autism to be sensitive and so not be able to multitask a complex speech with continuous interruptions I get from the facial feedback of others? Also often I have self conscious thoughts when i speak with the others, so i need every time to remember my self that need to relax my facial muscle to not appear aggressive, i guess this is the main issue regardless of I am on the spectrum or not, this condition worsened since i do seriously meditation(last 20 years).

(fourth question) if I am sexually aroused or feel a crush for a girl(I had a lot of women, usually they find me really sexy and fascinating because of my thoughts/personality), I lose completely any problem in looking in the eyes of the other, and the ipersensitivity play in my favor because i try a really nice feeling
(fifth question) if I am angry I do not have any problem in looking the others in the eyes (even because I am aware that if i am hungry i can keep contracted my facial expressions without thinking how i appear),I am even a professional public speaker, with great feedback, found really easy to speak to audiences, than to one person

Please chip whatever contribution if you can, it would mean a lot to my frustration, thank you for your patience
 
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Here's how I handle it. Don't put on your goggles at the nuclear bomb test and no one will want to look you in the eye anyway.

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;)
 
Yes, to all of those, with exception of the eye contact nuance. I am not one to feel "pain" per se, with eye contact,...and I really wouldn't describe it as "discomfort" either,...but more of a habit of simply not making eye contact whilst speaking,...or listening. I catch myself all the time,...just not making eye contact. If I am in "the zone" where I am lecturing or elaborating on a topic, or am preoccupied and someone starts talking to me,...I have a habit of not looking at anyone,...but at some point, that little voice in my head will notice this and I will make a specific point of looking at the other people. There are times when I can make intense eye contact,...perhaps as you suggest, when I am attracted to someone and they are speaking to me, or if I am in a rather aggressive mood.
 
I dont' think I ever had this problem. Maybe I displayed this in childhood. But I can't remember.



(fourth question) if I am sexually aroused or feel a crush for a girl(I had a lot of women, usually they find me really sexy and fascinating because of my thoughts/personality), I lose completely any problem in looking in the eyes of the other, and the ipersensitivity play in my favor because i try a really nice feeling

Oh yeah, that's because you're transfixed. Like a hungry lion, when he see's a zebra,maybe.
 
For me, I had to practice a lot. Eventually I became better at it. Gradually the anxiety and all that emotional chatter became desensitized and I was capable of maintaining eye contact.

Don't get me wrong, my mind can still be racing with working out how long to look, when to look away etc. Sometimes that internal thinking is so intense I don't even hear what people are saying to me.

Also, it depends on mood. When I'm not feeling great I'll revert to looking at the floor, staring off into the distance and not being good at eye contact.

Ed
 
HI please take the time to read my letter, I guess I am Aspie (hate to be in a box and ask to a doctor), because without fake modesty everybody says to me that I am super intelligent( where my intelligence derive from an amazing amount of books read on different subjects, and life experience based on observation) and because I cannot maintain eye contact. I do not have any repetitive behavior, but I get obsessed by new topics every 2,3 month, can be chess one month, then music production another, vintage watches another one, basically it gives me a lot of endorphins to see dedicated youtube video, scientifical researches etc, and I love this feeling of learning things, I hate banality(REALLY BORING) and find people with asperger or geniuses really nice to hear instead of "less smart" people, i have a character considered super stubborn. Is this common to you as well?(first question)

But anyway I am asking you some question about eye contact:
(second question `IMPORTANT`) how do you overcome the fear of eye contact? I need a method PROVEN PROOF to speak to the other in the eyes without getting emotionally anxious, my anxiety derives from the fact that I can understand really good what the other person is thinking about me, I can perceive all the micro variations if they are lying to me, if they are comfortable and so I find really difficult that I am in my train of thought speaking about some complex topic and then I look them in the face and I understand if they agree with me or not, if they do not agree(I repeat I can read this really accurate) this hurts me and i lose focus on what I am saying, I CAN FORCE MY SELF BUT HURTS, (third question) is this called autism to be sensitive and so not be able to multitask a complex speech with continuous interruptions I get from the facial feedback of others? Also often I have self conscious thoughts when i speak with the others, so i need every time to remember my self that need to relax my facial muscle to not appear aggressive, i guess this is the main issue regardless of I am on the spectrum or not, this condition worsened since i do seriously meditation(last 20 years).

(fourth question) if I am sexually aroused or feel a crush for a girl(I had a lot of women, usually they find me really sexy and fascinating because of my thoughts/personality), I lose completely any problem in looking in the eyes of the other, and the ipersensitivity play in my favor because i try a really nice feeling
(fifth question) if I am angry I do not have any problem in looking the others in the eyes (even because I am aware that if i am hungry i can keep contracted my facial expressions without thinking how i appear),I am even a professional public speaker, with great feedback, found really easy to speak to audiences, than to one person

Please chip whatever contribution if you can, it would mean a lot to my frustration, thank you for your patience

excellent question you asked. I am also aspie, so I’m happy you asked this question. Anyways I used to struggle with eye contact too. It used to bother me a lot but that I felt scary looking at people

what helped me? Confidence. Also I still struggle at times, I have gotten a lot better. I went to therapy and I aired my emotions out. My mom also shared with me her stories, when she was my age. I suddenly realized the one person I admired wasn’t really that great when she was my age so I figured with persistence and hard work that I can make it

I still struggle with eye contact, I really do. Especially if the person I’m talking to is a) older than me and B) achieved a certain level of success I dream of. I try to keep it balanced but hard to say
 
At first I would use eye contact, especially presenting at seminars in order to demonstrate how importantly I was advocating for my ideas. It seemed like acting to me but it got easier with successes and gaining confidence in myself. Then when I started dating (late) I enjoyed it as a gauge of interest and by then it felt natural. So as a creature of habit I kept it up normally.
 
I find using near eye contact very helpful. Look at the nose instead. I have also found eye contact has improved with increasing age.
 
Is English your second or third language? Maybe that could be a factor, relating to confidence and other issues.
 
Is English your second or third language? Maybe that could be a factor, relating to confidence and other issues.
Oh man, you nailed it, this is at least a 20 per cent factor I did not take in any consideration. I speak a number of languages at work, and in private life, if I speak Italian I am much more confident. Less i know a language and more I cannot take eye contact to elaborate internal information inside, furthermore sometimes depending by the moment( I am speaking more a language than another), I come up with other words in other languages, or I get 1,2 second blocked to find out the word I need.

This drills down 60 per cent of my problem to the world confidence. I have to work on visualization(if I do with closed eyes it triggers the stress response, so can practice), and on my beliefs, the situation worsened a lot after I had really bad toxic work experience, and was bullied, and reacted, after that my eye contact worsened a lot. I guess visualization will be the key, will practice 10 min per one month and will come back to you

EDIT: in the end are not the eyes that trigger a response, but the mental filters that allow us to see the face as threatening, and the reason may be in past experiences that via association accumulate and trigger a defensive mechanism
 
Here it is my findings after the visualization period:
I guess there are several factors
20% the aspy percentage is not too much, although I guess is present, as in all the high intelligent persons that prefer books to banal conversation that do not trigger endorphines,
40% as was raised in the forum the fact I express my self in Dutch and English, I am frequenting a group of Italians and is much more easy to maintain eye contact, because I do not come short of words, avoiding silences that I should stare someone without saying nothing.
20% voice in my head that do not feel confindent in some contexts
20% hypersensitivity on feelings from other people, i try to open my heart in relationships and this is wrong

Visualization helped a lot, although I try simply to relax my self and works much better to just focusing on the content of what is said instead of other signals. At the end of the day what convey results, and helps the other is the focus, not my egoistic feelings. Thanks all for the nice sustain
 
I was recently told that most people pick an eye to focus more on instead of trying to focus one eye to one eye with both eyes I just took the idea of "eye contact" a bit too literal I guess. I still don't like it so I stare at the mouth or forehead if I am very relaxed around a person but mostly I stare past or to the side even turning my head at times. It helps me to focus if I don't look and I can even be more engaged in the conversation. Filtering out any information I can is essential since I pick up on so much plus eye contact gives me a headache I think due to how much movement the eye naturally makes and of course I will be picking up on even the slightest shift.

So maybe take into account the way you make eye contact and also if you are sensitive to small movements made by the eyes of the person you are talking to.
 
So maybe take into account the way you make eye contact and also if you are sensitive to small movements made by the eyes of the person you are talking to.

Sorry to bold a part of your quote.
Are not the small movements, I am amazingly good in perceiving facial expressions, so it hurts me when I am speaking and I see signs the other person does not like me. I know is childish, I am aware I am not looking anymore for approval, I know most of the people are less smart than me, and even are so centered in their ego that can predict their reactions 2 moves ahead, but still is a deep pattern accumulated in years and do not like to be judged, visualization helps but I found a new strategy that is working perfect: "acting". Really, just be aware of the type of body language I should deliver, and focusing on my self while speaking with the other, lowers dramatically the emotional charge, because I know that if I perform good with my body language and tonality I am perceived in a not strange way and even pretty confident, this calms me a lot and paradoxically make me focus much more on the content the other person says. Even because usually mind is fast, while conversation are slow, so I naturally focus on a lot of metadata, while they speak and they perceive I am not with them anymore, instead focusing on my body language give me enough warm up to listen attentively
 
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Yeah, eye contact.
I often stare at the floor or other object while talking. Or I'll stare at their face, scrutinizing for faint emotional cues. But sometimes the eye contact role is relatively 'normal'. Suspect that it may be whatever emotion is dominant at the time?
 

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