How to help an undiagnosed 28 year old understand Aspergers?

[Brit]

I have just come to realise that a former boyfriend has many Aspergers traits, he is completely wonderful, but we struggled on an 'emotional' level. It was only after a surprise trip (which triggered a meltdown of sorts) and complete shutdown that I even realised. After the trip I was going through all the things he had said to me, trying to re-process them literally and I remembered that he had once said he was autistic, something I thought was a joke at the time. But I looked into it nevertheless.

I care for this person deeply, and when I met him a week after this emotional trip, I mentioned very softly that it may be Aspergers. He looked very surprised but not upset, and then buried himself online reading about it. We have broken up so its difficult for me to be in contact with him but I feel compelled to help him. I know no one knows him as well as I do emotionally. His 'best' friend (they rarely see each other, but went to school together) described him as having had a difficult childhood with ASD in the family. He also described the many quirks/guises he had throughout their friendship.

I read this post online about Aspergers and it really struck a chord with me:

"When I was younger, I could have really benefited from knowing about my Asperger’s diagnosis (yes, I know Asperger’s is part of the Autism Spectrum Disorder now, but I still like to refer to it separately). While other users seem to be offended at the very idea of mentioning a condition to someone else, I find itfar more offensive that people would have noticed my difficulties and then let me suffer through them rather than making an observation that really could have helped. If you truly care about someone, then you won’t abdicate your responsibility to speak up when the situation calls for it. You should still be diplomatic about it, as mentioned previously, but you shouldn’t shirk your duty to speak up when you have something to say."

I am wavering between leaving him alone, I don't want to annoy him- perhaps knowing you have Aspergers doesnt necessarily change anything if you're happy with your life, is this right? After all he is 28 years old and has a comfortable life. And trying very tactfully to help him understand the difference he may feel (?), why he accepts that he'll always be alone etc. Is there a particular book that helped with understanding that difference? Perhaps I could just give him something to read? I don't think he'd be offended by it, but he may not have the patience to read something really lengthy unless he got interested in the subject.

I would be so grateful to hear about your experiences or insights.

 

[OkRad]

I don't think it would hurt to say something straight forward like, "Do you think you could have Aspergers?" Everyone knows about it now and people who are different routinely ask themselves if they have it . You can see his reaction. A look of shock? Let it go. A quizzical expression? Hmmmm...let's explore it. A retort of "No, but I think you do!" Well, explore that!

I really don't think it would hurt to ask .

 

[Brit]

I don't think it would hurt to say something straight forward like, "Do you think you could have Aspergers?" Everyone knows about it now and people who are different routinely ask themselves if they have it . You can see his reaction. A look of shock? Let it go. A quizzical expression? Hmmmm...let's explore it. A retort of "No, but I think you do!" Well, explore that!

I really don't think it would hurt to ask .

I did ask, and it was a surprised look. But what to do next?

 

[OkRad]

I did ask, and it was a surprised look. But what to do next?

Surprise is not bad. Did he say anything, like "Oh, why do you ask?" Maybe he IS curious and thinking about it.

 

[Brit]

No he didn't say anything at all.

 

[Sloth]

Well when something like that is initially considered after a long time of living and having no idea, it can definitely come as a shock (that's how it was for me, couple years ago). You will find that quite a number of people who introduce themselves here state that their diagnosis came late in life. It kinda sounds like he is now on the road of self-discovery where maybe he is reconsidering past experiences with this new information (that's what I had to do) since you did say he started looking it up intently, although it can also be possible he wants to deny it and not think about it since like you said, he is happy with his life. It can be very possible that if he is high-functioning that it might not have been very obvious most of the time, it also took things getting worse and getting meltdowns in college for me to finally realize that I might have autism although no one before had even suggested it.

Whether he prefers you to be there or not I can't really tell, since that depends on him. I do think that when finding out something like that there can be a tendency to think it's necessary to push everyone away until you figure things out. I certainly understand you wanting to help, and for some people just having someone be supportive can be a huge deal, but beyond that you should also realize that he has to learn to accept it and you cannot try to replace professional help (if he needs it).

I can certainly relate to the first part of the quote you gave about wanting to have had the information earlier to have maybe made more informed decisions, and have even posted things to that effect myself. I disagree, however, with the second part about being offended by the lack of understanding. The truth is, people can be very bad at understanding those who are different than them. As someone who has problems understanding "normal" people, I can fully appreciate the difficulties that others would have understanding me. Nevertheless, it can certainly be nice when someone makes a true effort to do so (bravo to you for going the extra mile to try to understand someone btw) and it's something I am constantly trying to improve about myself. Yet I don't feel like it is something I can consider I am entitled to, so I am not offended just because I don't receive it, although I also understand where that person is coming from.

 

[Pats]

Well, you put it in his mind, now it's up to him. He took it much better than my ex did when I suggested he was a narcissist.

 

[Brit]

Well when something like that is initially considered after a long time of living and having no idea, it can definitely come as a shock (that's how it was for me, couple years ago). You will find that quite a number of people who introduce themselves here state that their diagnosis came late in life. It kinda sounds like he is now on the road of self-discovery where maybe he is reconsidering past experiences with this new information (that's what I had to do) since you did say he started looking it up intently, although it can also be possible he wants to deny it and not think about it since like you said, he is happy with his life. It can be very possible that if he is high-functioning that it might not have been very obvious most of the time, it also took things getting worse and getting meltdowns in college for me to finally realize that I might have autism although no one before had even suggested it.

Whether he prefers you to be there or not I can't really tell, since that depends on him. I do think that when finding out something like that there can be a tendency to think it's necessary to push everyone away until you figure things out. I certainly understand you wanting to help, and for some people just having someone be supportive can be a huge deal, but beyond that you should also realize that he has to learn to accept it and you cannot try to replace professional help (if he needs it).

I can certainly relate to the first part of the quote you gave about wanting to have had the information earlier to have maybe made more informed decisions, and have even posted things to that effect myself. I disagree, however, with the second part about being offended by the lack of understanding. The truth is, people can be very bad at understanding those who are different than them. As someone who has problems understanding "normal" people, I can fully appreciate the difficulties that others would have understanding me. Nevertheless, it can certainly be nice when someone makes a true effort to do so (bravo to you for going the extra mile to try to understand someone btw) and it's something I am constantly trying to improve about myself. Yet I don't feel like it is something I can consider I am entitled to, so I am not offended just because I don't receive it, although I also understand where that person is coming from.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think he is in a very similar position to you, very high functioning, so im not really sure if he would even seek professional help. I also imagine that without a formal diagnosis it would always remain an inkling or suspicion - or just rejected outright.

I feel that if I were in that situation myself, especially given the fact that he lives far away from his family - i wouldn't seek professional help myself. Given the expense (time and money) you would have to expend to get to that point, I get the impression that only a major event requiring some kind of shake up would even get me to that point (of seeking external help).

Do you think this is a fair assessment? And if the Aspergers only affects his intimate relationships, which he wilfully reflects anyway, what reason would he have to explore it?

 

[Sloth]

Thank you so much for your reply. I think he is in a very similar position to you, very high functioning, so im not really sure if he would even seek professional help. I also imagine that without a formal diagnosis it would always remain an inkling or suspicion - or just rejected outright.

I feel that if I were in that situation myself, especially given the fact that he lives far away from his family - i wouldn't seek professional help myself. Given the expense (time and money) you would have to expend to get to that point, I get the impression that only a major event requiring some kind of shake up would even get me to that point (of seeking external help).

Do you think this is a fair assessment? And if the Asperger's only affects his intimate relationships, which he willfully reflects anyway, what reason would he have to explore it?

Well if he doesn't want to, there's nothing you can really do about it. In fact, for a lot of the professional help it wouldn't even be particularly effective unless he himself is actually interested in doing it. I definitely don't think it is necessary to get professional help in order to reach a better understanding of yourself, but I do feel like even if you're very intelligent and high functioning, you can have a huge blind spot when it comes to understanding yourself, that's the only reason I felt like I benefited from discussing it with others. But again, if that's the case you have to first admit that there are things about yourself you can't figure out on your own.

I don't think it's possible for Asperger's to only affect one thing. With ADHD and autism, if you have it, you have had it your whole life and it's a part of you. Some stressful events and/or depression can make symptoms (like meltdowns) much more obvious, but more than likely it would affect him in more ways than he realizes (then again, we don't even know if he has it). I didn't realize the degree to which it had shaped many of my decisions and who I am, but looking back at many situations where I wasn't sure why I did the things I did, I now realize that a lot of them make a huge amount more sense when considered with autism in mind.

Like you said, he doesn't seem to have any reason to consider it currently and if it doesn't start noticeably affecting him in a way he thinks is negative, then he likely never will (it doesn't seem like relationship problems are enough for him to reconsider). I will say that never confronting any of my issues eventually caused me to crash and burn (which is what led to the diagnosis), but if he can avoid that his whole life then more power to him.

For reading, I'm aware that some of the most well known ones out there are books by Temple Grandin and Tony Attwood (famous experts) and the one called Neurotribes (that's more about the history of autism). I own them all but haven't actually read them yet so I can't be sure if you would find them helpful. If like for me, reading a book can be super difficult for him right now (sad, because I used to read books by the hundreds), then maybe blogs or forums are actually more approachable.

 

[Brit]

Well if he doesn't want to, there's nothing you can really do about it. In fact, for a lot of the professional help it wouldn't even be particularly effective unless he himself is actually interested in doing it. I definitely don't think it is necessary to get professional help in order to reach a better understanding of yourself, but I do feel like even if you're very intelligent and high functioning, you can have a huge blind spot when it comes to understanding yourself, that's the only reason I felt like I benefited from discussing it with others. But again, if that's the case you have to first admit that there are things about yourself you can't figure out on your own.

I don't think it's possible for Asperger's to only affect one thing. With ADHD and autism, if you have it, you have had it your whole life and it's a part of you. Some stressful events and/or depression can make symptoms (like meltdowns) much more obvious, but more than likely it would affect him in more ways than he realizes (then again, we don't even know if he has it). I didn't realize the degree to which it had shaped many of my decisions and who I am, but looking back at many situations where I wasn't sure why I did the things I did, I now realize that a lot of them make a huge amount more sense when considered with autism in mind.

Like you said, he doesn't seem to have any reason to consider it currently and if it doesn't start noticeably affecting him in a way he thinks is negative, then he likely never will (it doesn't seem like relationship problems are enough for him to reconsider). I will say that never confronting any of my issues eventually caused me to crash and burn (which is what led to the diagnosis), but if he can avoid that his whole life then more power to him.

For reading, I'm aware that some of the most well known ones out there are books by Temple Grandin and Tony Attwood (famous experts) and the one called Neurotribes (that's more about the history of autism). I own them all but haven't actually read them yet so I can't be sure if you would find them helpful. If like for me, reading a book can be super difficult for him right now (sad, because I used to read books by the hundreds), then maybe blogs or forums are actually more approachable.

This is so useful thank you so much. Is there possibly some kind of comparison between receiving an ASD diagnosis and a psychoanalytical review of your self and your actions, with a similar sense of redefinition of who you are? Or is it completely different?

Knowing what you know now, how does that change how you process situations? Do you attribute certain actions to Aspergers after the fact? Or do you approach situations with an awareness of how your actions may be misunderstood by the mobs? Sorry to pry, its completely fascinating to me.

 

[Sloth]

This is so useful thank you so much. Is there possibly some kind of comparison between receiving an ASD diagnosis and a psychoanalytical review of your self and your actions, with a similar sense of redefinition of who you are? Or is it completely different?

Well in my case, I only really first learned about autism at the same time I got diagnosed professionally, so I didn't experience arriving at the conclusion myself, however, beyond that although I kept going to a therapist, I found that my self-analysis was more useful.

I don't think there is much of a difference between a self-diagnosis and official one (unless you want to use services that require an official diagnosis). The important part is gaining more information and understanding yourself better. Diagnosis whether it's by yourself or by someone else can bring a sense of validation, but it doesn't change who you actually are. There is always still further work that has to be done in order to adjust yourself if that is necessary. I do think, however, it's better to be aware rather than not.

Knowing what you know now, how does that change how you process situations? Do you attribute certain actions to Asperger's after the fact? Or do you approach situations with an awareness of how your actions may be misunderstood by the mobs? Sorry to pry, its completely fascinating to me.

A lot of the people on the Spectrum (me included) use "masking" as a way to fit in to society by forcing yourself to act in acceptable ways and mimic normal behavior so as not to stand out. It was especially the case for me since I wasn't even aware that the way I feel things and think was different than most people's.

The main realization that I got after diagnosis is that this isn't always correct. A lot of the decisions I made, like what to do in high school, what colleges to apply to, what to major in, etc. were made purely by what I thought society would find most acceptable and with a great fear of disappointing those expectations. The thing is, any decisions I made based off purely that tended to inevitably not turn out well and never brought me much happiness. That being said, you still need to oftentimes make an effort to act in a certain way, but at least you do so consciously and make sure that you don't over-stress yourself and get into meltdown territory.

Another thing is that before I would think that I was lazy or socially stupid, but I learned that it was none of that and not my fault. Personally, I've tried to compensate for my natural lack of understanding of others by becoming very good (sometimes) at logically deducing situations (logic is a strength for me as opposed to emotions). A lifetime of intently observing others and reading for masking purposes helps a lot in that regard. That being said, just knowing what the correct behavior is still doesn't always help me with actually doing it. I've still got a long way to go as far as trying to readjust myself and am always working on it. Sometimes it still happens that I say something or do something that I later realize was going to be interpreted wrongly (it's common for people on the Spectrum to be overly blunt and literal and sometimes that even gets them into trouble). Then again, I can never be sure of what other people think of me. People oftentimes say things just to be polite or angry things because they have some other reason to be angry, so you can't assume that what they say is actually how they feel.

Don't worry about asking questions, I wouldn't answer here unless I was comfortable talking about it .

 

[Brit]

Well in my case, I only really first learned about autism at the same time I got diagnosed professionally, so I didn't experience arriving at the conclusion myself, however, beyond that although I kept going to a therapist, I found that my self-analysis was more useful.

I don't think there is much of a difference between a self-diagnosis and official one (unless you want to use services that require an official diagnosis). The important part is gaining more information and understanding yourself better. Diagnosis whether it's by yourself or by someone else can bring a sense of validation, but it doesn't change who you actually are. There is always still further work that has to be done in order to adjust yourself if that is necessary. I do think, however, it's better to be aware rather than not.

A lot of the people on the Spectrum (me included) use "masking" as a way to fit in to society by forcing yourself to act in acceptable ways and mimic normal behavior so as not to stand out. It was especially the case for me since I wasn't even aware that the way I feel things and think was different than most people's.

The main realization that I got after diagnosis is that this isn't always correct. A lot of the decisions I made, like what to do in high school, what colleges to apply to, what to major in, etc. were made purely by what I thought society would find most acceptable and with a great fear of disappointing those expectations. The thing is, any decisions I made based off purely that tended to inevitably not turn out well and never brought me much happiness. That being said, you still need to oftentimes make an effort to act in a certain way, but at least you do so consciously and make sure that you don't over-stress yourself and get into meltdown territory.

Another thing is that before I would think that I was lazy or socially stupid, but I learned that it was none of that and not my fault. Personally, I've tried to compensate for my natural lack of understanding of others by becoming very good (sometimes) at logically deducing situations (logic is a strength for me as opposed to emotions). A lifetime of intently observing others and reading for masking purposes helps a lot in that regard. That being said, just knowing what the correct behavior is still doesn't always help me with actually doing it. I've still got a long way to go as far as trying to readjust myself and am always working on it. Sometimes it still happens that I say something or do something that I later realize was going to be interpreted wrongly (it's common for people on the Spectrum to be overly blunt and literal and sometimes that even gets them into trouble). Then again, I can never be sure of what other people think of me. People oftentimes say things just to be polite or angry things because they have some other reason to be angry, so you can't assume that what they say is actually how they feel.

Don't worry about asking questions, I wouldn't answer here unless I was comfortable talking about it .

So nice to hear this kind of explanation. I’m reading the Tenple Grandin book now and it seems very good

 

[Tom]

You put the bug in his ear. If I remember correct he broke up with you. Nothing else really to do.

 

[Brit]

He didn’t really break up with me as such. I preemptively asked him if he wanted to end things. He didn’t really respond, until I hassled him into speaking on the phone and he said I should find myself a nice boyfriend.

 

[Bella Pines]

I feel that if I were in that situation myself, especially given the fact that he lives far away from his family - i wouldn't seek professional help myself. Given the expense (time and money) you would have to expend to get to that point, I get the impression that only a major event requiring some kind of shake up would even get me to that point (of seeking external help).

Do you think this is a fair assessment?

No I don't.

It's sweet that you are trying to interfere with his life but I'd recommend backing off. We are comfortable being isolated, we like living far away from our families. We don't have a disease, we don't need "professional help". You are looking for reasons to interfere, quoting passages such as "I wish I had known..." and then convincing yourself that it applies to him.

Ultimately, you are probably looking for validation, most neurotypicals are. Deep down you probably want to either feel useful, feel like you have "saved him", feel like it fell apart because he had a disorder, or the other myriad reassurances that neurotypicals seek.

If there really is a part of you that wants the best for him, then simply explain to him that "you are there if he ever needs you" and leave him to live his life the way he chooses to.

Nothing else really to do

 

[Brit]

No I don't.

It's sweet that you are trying to interfere with his life but I'd recommend backing off. We are comfortable being isolated, we like living far away from our families. We don't have a disease, we don't need "professional help". You are looking for reasons to interfere, quoting passages such as "I wish I had known..." and then convincing yourself that it applies to him.

Ultimately, you are probably looking for validation, most neurotypicals are. Deep down you probably want to either feel useful, feel like you have "saved him", feel like it fell apart because he had a disorder, or the other myriad reassurances that neurotypicals seek.

If there really is a part of you that wants the best for him, then simply explain to him that "you are there if he ever needs you" and leave him to live his life the way he chooses to.

Nothing else really to do

I don’t want to interfere with his life, I just want to be there for him. But I understand what you’re saying fully, and ultimately know you’re right. Thank you

 

[Brit]

Hey Brit,
I have a similar experience again also close to a 28yo undiagnosed suspected aspie. He had also made a joke once really early on when we were watching ‘the undateables’ that he’s thought before he might have aspergers. I knew almost nothing about it at the time and just took it as a joke.

Fast forward a few months when we were going through a split, I did some googling and thought there was a really high chance that he did have AS - a few things he’d said in the past seemed a bit off, and I helped him through a proper shutdown once.. he has no idea that a shutdown is a thing though and I didn’t at the time. I just thought it was anxiety and he just thinks he’s weird . Given he’d brought it up in the past, I msgd him and mentioned the time he suggested it and asked if he was only joking, because I’d been doing some reading and thought there might be something to it. I said I hoped I wasn’t overstepping or offending him.. and he said it’d actually be a massive relief to have a diagnosis to help explain why he’s always felt different. So I sent him a link to an online test and his result was pretty confidently AS, but he won’t really look into it further unless he has a formal diagnosis.
Since then we’d gotten back together and I’ve offered to help him get a diagnosis (he doesn’t like calling people to book appointments or anything like that). It breaks my heart that he knows so little about autism/aspergers and doesn’t seem interested in reading to understand it until he’s got a formal diagnosis, because from what I’ve read on forums the way he’s feeling is sometimes exactly the same word for word.. and I think it could be so helpful for him to know he’s not alone in it, and understand why he feels like he does and that he’s not any less or failing.
He’s just broken up with me again but I’m still going to help him book the appointments in.

He’s honestly such a great human and I hope one day he realises how much he has to offer.

Also, I sometimes try to tell him about things I’ve seen online when it’s relevant to something he’s just said.. e.g. actually it’s quite a common trait to x...

Hope this helps!

You sound much calmer than I was, walking him through a shutdown and helping him. I was so bewildered by the bevahiour I didn’t how to take it some of the more direct comments, that sounded like relentless textbook ‘negging’ in my naive understanding of men.

I do however feel the same way you described, that he is beyond wonderful & very strong willed, but with a certain vulnerability. It’s not my female fantasy at work, it’s just how I understood this person. relationships are a struggle for anyone, but it seems unfair to understand a part of him that likely no one will understand and keep it to myself.

I’m sad to hear you’re not together right now, I hope things work out. Real, compassionate love feels very rare in this world :-/

 

[tducey]

Make him feel comfortable as possible. Highlight the many good things about Asperger's and the services available.

 

[Brit]

Hey Brit,
I have a similar experience again also close to a 28yo undiagnosed suspected aspie. He had also made a joke once really early on when we were watching ‘the undateables’ that he’s thought before he might have aspergers. I knew almost nothing about it at the time and just took it as a joke.

Fast forward a few months when we were going through a split, I did some googling and thought there was a really high chance that he did have AS - a few things he’d said in the past seemed a bit off, and I helped him through a proper shutdown once.. he has no idea that a shutdown is a thing though and I didn’t at the time. I just thought it was anxiety and he just thinks he’s weird . Given he’d brought it up in the past, I msgd him and mentioned the time he suggested it and asked if he was only joking, because I’d been doing some reading and thought there might be something to it. I said I hoped I wasn’t overstepping or offending him.. and he said it’d actually be a massive relief to have a diagnosis to help explain why he’s always felt different. So I sent him a link to an online test and his result was pretty confidently AS, but he won’t really look into it further unless he has a formal diagnosis.
Since then we’d gotten back together and I’ve offered to help him get a diagnosis (he doesn’t like calling people to book appointments or anything like that). It breaks my heart that he knows so little about autism/aspergers and doesn’t seem interested in reading to understand it until he’s got a formal diagnosis, because from what I’ve read on forums the way he’s feeling is sometimes exactly the same word for word.. and I think it could be so helpful for him to know he’s not alone in it, and understand why he feels like he does and that he’s not any less or failing.
He’s just broken up with me again but I’m still going to help him book the appointments in.

He’s honestly such a great human and I hope one day he realises how much he has to offer.

Also, I sometimes try to tell him about things I’ve seen online when it’s relevant to something he’s just said.. e.g. actually it’s quite a common trait to x...

Hope this helps!

I hope we're not talking about the same person!