How to have more emotion and appear less formal when talking?

[Batmansbrotherspidey]

I want to learn how to mimic the NT way of talking that's mixed with some smile and some laughter. I never used to smile much and I have a formal way of speaking which upsets people. A person told me that smiling and showing some emotion will significantly improve my conversations and I want to test that hypothesis. The problem is that whenever I get advice like this, it's hard to implement it because I don't know if I'm doing it way too much or way too little. I can practice it in the mirror but the problem is idk what the right expressions are and if what I'm doing is right. What works for you guys? How do you "mask" in conversations effectively?

 

[DrBadStrings]

There are plenty of books, and youtube videos out there that deal with things like making small talk and being sociable. It's usually the same sorts of advice, ask leading questions about the person you are talking to and their interests and them so they do most of the talking thinking that you are super interested in them.

I wish I had some advice on purposefully masking. I didn't find out until 4 months ago at 42 that I'm autistic so I spent all my life masking and not really being aware that that is what I was doing. Small talk and those sorts of interactions always felt like I was putting on an act of being interested and outgoing. I wanted to fit in but never felt that way so I was always looking into guides on social communication and making friends, or dating advice, lots and lots of dating advice which was all pretty bad. Maybe it was good for a NT to work with but not for me. Truthfully I've spent many years studying people as a hobby in the hopes of being better able to fit in. I did cultural and social Anthropology at university.

Now knowing that I am autistic I'm not really trying to impress the average NT anymore as I know I am not one of them. I'm going to be myself as much as possible and if folks don't like it I don't really care as long as the interactions are civil. I have built my core group of friends over the years, no surprise most already identified as or have found out that they were also not NT's for the most part.

As to that last question how do you 'mask' effectively. I don't think any of us ever really do but we think we do. Studies have shown the average NT picks up on the ND even if only on the subconscious level.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Batmansbrotherspidey

What you want to work on is definitely (100%) something you can improve a lot.

But it takes a lot of work. Lots of people want the results, but hardly anyone is prepared to do the work.
You need to think of it as being like going from underweight to buff without steroids - just honest workouts at a gym. So it takes a few years.

And if there's any training, it won't be something designed for ASDs.

A fundamental step is to develop a genuinely natural smile. A smile is very hard to fake successfully.

You can talk to people without one of course, but if your facial expressions are "off", it's extremely difficult to achieve what you want.

(BTW I know I didn't answer your question)

 

[Aspychata]

My boyfriend received this exact request from his resume counselor. His counselor suggested that he smile more and impart more energy into his voice as he was speaking about his experience. So smile as you say hello. Adjust the tone of your voice a little higher when you ask a question. Asking questions help others open up, (even though you know the answer). Trying adding a little emotion to your voice. When you go shopping, say hello to the cashier in a happy voice, ask them how they are doing. These small actions may help you start to understand how to inflect tone as you talk to people. l don't believe it will be difficult at all for you. You are just changing one habit.

 

[Jumpinbare]

How do you "mask" in conversations effectively?

Apparently I don’t. Trying to smile and sound emotional feels so phony. Few of the people I disclosed my autism to were surprised. My deliberate smile looks like this.

 

[NB79]

I think is impossible to fake stuff, you get tired doing it, and the rest probably detects something is off sooner or later..

 

[Outdated]

When I was 16 and just started work my only friend at the time had also just started work as a trainee salesman and they sent him to a two day conference on sales techniques. He came back and told me all about it and one of his comments was about "learning how to wear the face".

That one stuck with me, it was one of the first times I realised what one of my social deficiencies was, and this opened a path for transformation from dork in to someone well liked. Like any other 16 year old boy I was driven by my gonads and wanted a girlfriend so I had reason to work hard at it. I started imitating other people in front of the mirror. Not wankers I saw on TV, real people in the real world, people that appeared to be socially accepted and liked.

I copied everything, voice inflection and modulation, body language, hand gestures and anything else I noticed as well as facial expressions. I even practiced the way I walked and the way I stood. I started to notice that some things came to me much more naturally than others and so my mask became a collection of bits and pieces from many different people. In the end it became me. It took a couple of years before it really started to work but small rewards started coming my way almost immediately.

Apparently I don’t. Trying to smile and sound emotional feels so phony.

Yes. It does feel phony, even today after all these years. But it works!

Being socially skilled is a key that opens so many doors, employment, friends, women, it's even important when dealing with bureaucrats in government departments. It's possibly why I don't have the same social anxiety that so many of you seem to suffer. I struggle with close personal relationships but I love the facile interactions of talking to strangers and people that don't know me so well.

 

[NB79]

When I was 16 and just started work my only friend at the time had also just started work as a trainee salesman and they sent him to a two day conference on sales techniques. He came back and told me all about it and one of his comments was about "learning how to wear the face".

That one stuck with me, it was one of the first times I realised what one of my social deficiencies was, and this opened a path for transformation from dork in to someone well liked. Like any other 16 year old boy I was driven by my gonads and wanted a girlfriend so I had reason to work hard at it. I started imitating other people in front of the mirror. Not wankers I saw on TV, real people in the real world, people that appeared to be socially accepted and liked.

I copied everything, voice inflection and modulation, body language, hand gestures and anything else I noticed as well as facial expressions. I even practiced the way I walked and the way I stood. I started to notice that some things came to me much more naturally than others and so my mask became a collection of bits and pieces from many different people. In the end it became me. It took a couple of years before it really started to work but small rewards started coming my way almost immediately.


Yes. It does feel phony, even today after all these years. But it works!

Being socially skilled is a key that opens so many doors, employment, friends, women, it's even important when dealing with bureaucrats in government departments. It's possibly why I don't have the same social anxiety that so many of you seem to suffer. I struggle with close personal relationships but I love the facile interactions of talking to strangers and people that don't know me so well.

Maybe some ancestor of yours was a good actor, i can't seem to be able to do it.

 

[Judge]

The reality being that some of us can do it, and some of us can't. Equally that some of us do it better compared to others. For me is mostly just a matter of mimicry. To laugh when others laughed. To scowl when others scowled.

And to learn to discuss benign, meaningless things with complete strangers. And to do it with some degree of preparation, or what I call "scripting". To be aware ahead of time what benign and meaningless things to discuss briefly. I still do this regularly, "practicing" usually with store clerks. Especially the ones I run into on a more frequent basis.

Perhaps most importantly to begin to have some sense of ease in talking to complete strangers and without any nervousness in the process. Looking back, I think that was the toughest part of it all.

What took me far longer was in learning to "hold my tongue" and not indulge so easily in lengthy and complex discussions with just anyone. Particularly those who knew me best.

In as much as I was very shy about public speaking, learning of my own autism made me reassess my ability at appearing who I wasn't. That ironically I might have been a decent actor.

 

[Outdated]

Maybe some ancestor of yours was a good actor, i can't seem to be able to do it.

My brother is exactly the same as me, and both of us started off being naturally charismatic which also helps. We were always good talkers, in fact it's often difficult to shut us up, both of us can be good con men if we decide we want something.

My great grandmother was still alive when I was a kid, an old Geordie woman that didn't mince her words. She said to me one day "The gift of the gab and the gift of the glam and enough brains to destroy the world. God help us all.".

But what Judge just said above is exactly what acting is - simple mimicry. It doesn't feel natural and that's OK as long as you can make it look natural. It's pretty much exactly what you're doing when you're singing, I've never seen you but I imagine you don't just stand there looking deadpan.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Apparently I don’t. Trying to smile and sound emotional feels so phony. Few of the people I disclosed my autism to were surprised. My deliberate smile looks like this.
View attachment 135465

I like your smile. There’s a dab of something like regret or disappointment in it, but as a smile it’s just fine.

For some reason people think I have a very nice smile. Even strangers comment on it. I smile often just to myself at something silly or funny. So I smile in many Publix places, or even sing under my breath and surprisingly people hear me and comment on it.

For the OP, if you google “smile coach” you will find people who can help you get a real smile. I am guessing you need an actual coach rather than the generic YouTube videos.

 

[Judge]

But what Judge just said above is exactly what acting is - simple mimicry. It doesn't feel natural and that's OK as long as you can make it look natural. It's pretty much exactly what you're doing when you're singing, I've never seen you but I imagine you don't just stand there looking deadpan.

Yes. It can be just as "simple" as that. Timing being everything.

When they smile, you smile. When they frown, you frown. Don't think about it, just do it. Above all, look "interested" at all times.

 

[Aspychata]

Acting interested? Maybe raise your eyebrows, lean in closer, look at their eyes -interested-?
Sometimes, l have zero interest in what will transpire, so l do mask.

 

[FayetheAspie]

@Batmansbrotherspidey

What you want to work on is definitely (100%) something you can improve a lot.

But it takes a lot of work. Lots of people want the results, but hardly anyone is prepared to do the work.
You need to think of it as being like going from underweight to buff without steroids - just honest workouts at a gym. So it takes a few years.

And if there's any training, it won't be something designed for ASDs.

A fundamental step is to develop a genuinely natural smile. A smile is very hard to fake successfully.

You can talk to people without one of course, but if your facial expressions are "off", it's extremely difficult to achieve what you want.

(BTW I know I didn't answer your question)

I have facial expressions. My problem is actually the opposite. My natural expressions whether a smile, surprise, embarrassment, ect. tend to be cartoonish and look exaggerated so I have to repress expression to keep people from thinking that I'm insane. I have been this way since early childhood. My dad liked to make me uncomfortable, or embarrassed just so he could laugh about my odd cartoonlike expressions. Then they think I am rude and emotionless because of the masking. If I get really embarrassed or otherwise uncomfortable, I can not mask my odd facial expressions. I also have a problem of laughing if I feel uncomfortable enough. It seems like I can not make it through an eye exam for example without at least snickering and stretching my eyes wide open ridiculously if not actually busting out laughing no matter how hard I try to resist it. Does anyone else relate or am I just weird?

 

[Rocco]

I always think of this scene when people say smile and laugh in conversation. I think it lands the same way as the scene, for many of us

It does take a bit of practice for the timing of when to smile or laugh in conversations. Confidence does help.

 

[Outdated]

Does anyone else relate or am I just weird?

I do relate in a way, I always had a very expressionate face and when I'm not deliberately controlling it it's quite easy for people to see exactly what I'm thinking. Even as a kid I always thought I would have been a great actor in those old silent movies - Charlie Chaplin era.

So in a way I was born with the necessary tools to be able to make a good mask, learning how to use those tools isn't exactly easy though.

 

[Judge]

I have facial expressions. My problem is actually the opposite. My natural expressions whether a smile, surprise, embarrassment, ect. tend to be cartoonish and look exaggerated so I have to repress expression to keep people from thinking that I'm insane. I have been this way since early childhood. My dad liked to make me uncomfortable, or embarrassed just so he could laugh about my odd cartoonlike expressions. Then they think I am rude and emotionless because of the masking. If I get really embarrassed or otherwise uncomfortable, I can not mask my odd facial expressions. I also have a problem of laughing if I feel uncomfortable enough. It seems like I can not make it through an eye exam for example without at least snickering and stretching my eyes wide open ridiculously if not actually busting out laughing no matter how hard I try to resist it. Does anyone else relate or am I just weird?

Not "weird" at all, IMO.

Just another example of whatever traits and behaviors we have, can be at varying amplitudes. Some appearing high, others appearing low, yet few in the middle where they might not be detected so easily by others we interact with.

 

[NB79]

I have facial expressions. My problem is actually the opposite. My natural expressions whether a smile, surprise, embarrassment, ect. tend to be cartoonish and look exaggerated so I have to repress expression to keep people from thinking that I'm insane. I have been this way since early childhood. My dad liked to make me uncomfortable, or embarrassed just so he could laugh about my odd cartoonlike expressions. Then they think I am rude and emotionless because of the masking. If I get really embarrassed or otherwise uncomfortable, I can not mask my odd facial expressions. I also have a problem of laughing if I feel uncomfortable enough. It seems like I can not make it through an eye exam for example without at least snickering and stretching my eyes wide open ridiculously if not actually busting out laughing no matter how hard I try to resist it. Does anyone else relate or am I just weird?

I can do a smile and maybe an angry face without faking, and only when i feel likt it, the rest i don't seem to be able, it's like always looks weird if i try to force it.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I want to learn how to mimic the NT way of talking that's mixed with some smile and some laughter. I never used to smile much and I have a formal way of speaking which upsets people. A person told me that smiling and showing some emotion will significantly improve my conversations and I want to test that hypothesis. The problem is that whenever I get advice like this, it's hard to implement it because I don't know if I'm doing it way too much or way too little. I can practice it in the mirror but the problem is idk what the right expressions are and if what I'm doing is right. What works for you guys? How do you "mask" in conversations effectively?

What is it you want out of these conversations?

 

[Shamar]

I want to learn how to mimic the NT way of talking that's mixed with some smile and some laughter. I never used to smile much and I have a formal way of speaking which upsets people. A person told me that smiling and showing some emotion will significantly improve my conversations and I want to test that hypothesis. The problem is that whenever I get advice like this, it's hard to implement it because I don't know if I'm doing it way too much or way too little. I can practice it in the mirror but the problem is idk what the right expressions are and if what I'm doing is right. What works for you guys? How do you "mask" in conversations effectively?

You are new here, and I apologize to everyone here who has read this too many times, but here we go again.

Obviously, I can't speak for you. I have something called alexithymia. In essence, it means I don't know what my emotions are telling me. I also have an inability to connect with, bond with, or have feelings toward another person (except transiently under certain circumstances). Add to that socially non functional, because I cannot recognize body language, facial expression, innuendo or implied comments, or even intonation. Plus words seem to change meaning frequently, depending on context. All of this seems to be related to my autism. It is possible that you may have some of these problems as well, they are not unique, but apparently rare all at once in the same person. Take a good deep look at yourself. One thing I have learned is that smiling at the wrong time or situation is worse than not smiling at all. Likewise, the wrong facial expression can be worse than none at all. It took me a long time to really learn this.

It may be possible that you are incapable of masking or or imitating NT conversation. Masking is a strain and most of the time they will see right through the phoniness. I don't do this any more. With me you get direct and blunt, and when I don't understand what you are saying, I ask to clarify because I miss things. I believe it is your job to communicate to me, it is not my job to figure out what you are saying.

All that being said, you can try. Just be careful how you go about it. I wish you luck.