• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

How to get the housecleaning done?

Lysander

Well-Known Member
I'm not usually that bad about it when I'm by myself, but I get immediately overwhelmed when another person who won't clean up after themselves enters the picture. I clean the entire apartment by myself only to come home, after work, wanting to rest, finding that it's magically a pigsty again. An absolute pigsty!

My spouse absolutely does not understand how to keep the house tidy, or want to contribute. He and I are both HFA. He's not stupid, or lazy, in fact I have sympathy for him because he works very hard and even longer hours than I do. BUT, it's a serious strain doing all of the housework for two people by myself.

I have talked to him, and we have had many unpleasant arguments where I have tried to explain the gravity of the situation, and he complies but takes no initiative, and makes me feel guilty, as if it is somehow my fault that he can't just live in a hog hole. Imagine searching the apartment you literally just cleaned to try and get ahead of someone else's hurricane.

I feel like a maid, as he does not comprehend that I do not clean and organize just because I want to. I'm just so miserable when everything is filthy, that cleaning is the lesser of two evils, even if it means I have no time to do anything else.
 
I never clean my space. I don't mind living in my hurricane. In fact, if I clean it up, i feel out of sorts. I am like a hamster, even though I am a cat. But because I am alone, I love my messy space and would be horrified if anyone came to clean it up. Another reason I LOVE being alone. Peace :)
 
I have the same problem with my family and have settled with keeping certain spaces clean, such as my room, because I can't clean up after five other people. I think of everywhere but those certain places as somewhere else, like outside, somewhere I'd have no reason to want to keep clean. Of course, I'd still like it all to be clean, but this the best solution I've come up with!
 
I clean every now and then but not as often as I should. I'm getting some new flooring in my computer room this week so might have to clean then.
 
That’s a good idea about hiring a housekeeper. Hubs won’t/can’t change and you don’t want to live in a mess. Life is too short to fight about something over and over with no positive result.
Housekeepers are cheaper than divorce lawyers!!!
 
If you can afford a housecleaner, that'd be the way to go. Or even hire a student to come in a couple times a week to clean.
If you can't get help, then give yourself an area and make an agreement with your husband that he is not allowed to bring anything into that area to mess it up and you can have a clean area of your own. Just a thought.
 
I do not sound as bad, but you would probably hate me there

Considering many tings I'm doing, it ends up being unpractical to make it look very good. And if I do tidy up well, my parents get higher expectations and I get punished for the smallest things.
 
Wow, nasty!

Is there a room he could have or you could escape to? Where he could live in his hurricane or you can breath in your organised environment?

As soon as my husband comes home, the house suddenly looks a mess and I feel out of sorts. Doesn't help that he is a gardener and thus, brings in all kinds of garden rubbish.

I don't go out to earn and it is best that way, because we would have bitter rows to who does the cleaning.

Although, I do say that just because he is home does not mean he should be waited on!

Note to mums who have boys. Don't do their laundry etc. Teach them to do it and that way, they may just respect the woman they want to be with.
 
I have never understood how a rational spouse who agreed to enter into a mutual loving relationship can’t recognize these areas where he/she can easily show he/she understands by making a few simple consessions to display love. Imagine the relief and joy it would bring to this relationship if the bloke would just make a consistent effort. So unimaginably simple in the context of the day-to-day functioning of a home. On the other hand a house has to be lived in and certainly it can’t always look perfect at all times. On another hand there are two voices here and we are only hearing one. I have certainly known guys that are mindless cave men who in their actions communicate that they think they married a maid. I have also know women who can’t seem to remotely accept a wee bit of life in the house. In my opinion, this all boils down to respect, balance, and consensus. I think a housekeeper is a patch and doesn’t really fix the issue. A consensus of understanding would deepen respect and love. It may be easier to just hire a maid but if a sustainable consensus could be achieved then the maid money could be better utilized elswhere. Is this crazy thinking? Am I dreaming? Am I wrong or making this too simple for today’s complex relationships?
 
My partner has ADD and often doesn't notice something is dirty or needs to be tidied. I however struggle to do much else until the thing has been dealt with. It's not a good combination. We've divided up the house work and I try to accept that things he does aren't as clean/tidy as I would like them and he tries to keep things more clean/tidy than he would keep them himself. It's not ideal and we might end up hiring a cleaner.. If I can get over the fact that I don't like strangers in my house. When I lived alone I cleaned once a week and never tidied (just put things away after I used them), now I feel like I'm doing it daily. It doesn't help that I hate cleaning.
 
Yes, I have EXACTLY the same problem with my NT partner. He never clears up after himself. He just wasn't brought up to do these chores and his parents are to blame for that, but he won't learn/change either. He cooks, makes a mess, then leaves it all for me to clear up. I resent that. I'm not very good either at getting things done and tend to leave clothes in a heap unfolded, for example, and don't put them away, but I do like things to be clean. I can't cope with doing the household chores on my own, and I hire someone to come and help out about once a month.
 
I have to agree with @George Newman above. Sharing the burden is a better way of showing you love someone than any lavish gift or empty platitude.
I work full time but my wife is not well enough to go to work. We share all the household chores between us pretty much equally with one of us picking up the slack if the other isn't feeling well enough. We each have our specialties but we cross over when we need to. She cleans the bathroom, I do the hoovering. She handles most of the laundry, I do most of the cooking. It works and I can't imagine living another way.
I don't want to be disparaging about other people's partners so I'm not going to comment other than I don't have much respect for people who don't willingly "do their bit" around the house when they co-habit, whether as partners/family or housemates.
 
Hmm, i just shout ' MUUUUUUUUUUUUM' xD
but i guess it's not that simple for some people, ps..
im such a mummies boi. lol
 
Have him pay you a fair monthly sum for the maid work. You can use this for fun money, not bills & such.

But seriously, don't let it drop. Have to change or at least modify negative behaviors. You are both individuals but living together requires cooperation. Compromising is a good technique to move things in positive direction. Having set chore responsibilities may work in long run.
 
Last edited:
How much longer are his hours? How big is the apartment? Cleaning takes like 2 hours tops a day in a small 2 bedroom apartment, so if he works 10 hours a day while you do 5-6 hours then you probably have the good end of the deal. Working is harder than doing some house work, so don't get too greedy.

Now if he's a real pig (and I've lived with people like this) then why are you living with him? You can't change this behaviour. I've never succeeded and I'm very persuasive. If you get someone that cleans all the damn time (trust me this gets annoying real fast as well) you are never going to get someone to just chill with. If you get a real pig, you are going to drown in pizza boxes. Just the way it works.
 
How long have you been tolerating this for? Surely it didn't bother you before you married them? A relationship is about trust and communication. It's good that you're talking if out now, but if how things are aren't tolerable anymore, you have to realise that it'll be a shock to them. They trusted you to communicate your needs to them. You both need to find a new compromise and them saying they will do the tasks and then letting you down is disrespectful.
 
@Progster It's not always the parents fault. :)
@Suzanne Teaching laundry does not teach the boys to respect. :)
I have 2 sons and they both do a lot as far as house keeping and stuff. They both actually bathe and do more for the babies or small children than the moms. My daughter in law never once bathed any of her 3 sons and as soon as dad got home from work, he took over with the babied/kids. Then I have a son in law that does everything when he's home - of course if he sits down in front of the tv my daughter will burn a hole with her glare, so he doesn't sit long. LOL Then my youngest daughter does everything herself with no help from her husband. They all had the same mother.
I lived with a hoarder and I had to give myself a separate room and there were times I did not want to go into the parts of the house that he had control over. :)
I liked what @George Newman said about respect, balance and consensus.
You can't change the other person and, hopefully there's enough good to outweigh the bad. You both need to compromise a little.
And I had a house full of teenagers for a few years and can tell you that you CAN learn to live in a pig sty. Believe me, no one is as disgusting as a teenager can be and girls are the worst. :)
Ok, I'm done now. :)
 
This is the story of my life Lysander. Both of us are HFA. It's the one thing in our long marriage that has been a continual irritant. Both of us worked, yet I've continued to do everything else. The house I grew up in was cleaner than an old-fashioned hospital. My standards are really high, and I clean up after my husband cleans up. And really that's me, it's borderline obsessive compulsive.

Here's what I've found out after all this time, and it's something that others have alluded to in this thread. With someone who is HFA, you have tell them clearly what you want.

That is, be direct, and try to do things together at the same time. If I clean bathrooms, I want you to vacuum and dust. If I wash a floor, I want you to do laundry. If I make dinner I want you to change the beds. Much of the time, my husband didn't know what to do. And although I don't like giving direct orders, I've learned to do so when it comes to housework. Sometimes he resents this. Yet he also realizes the practicality of it.

There are some other things you should think about, are your standards too high? Can you lessen them a little? Can you accept the other person doing things their own way, rather than your way? All these bear consideration as well as thinking about the standards you've set. Are they based in social convention? Do you, for example want your home to look like a magazine cover, or a hotel room, or as if no one lives there?

I know several people who's homes look like that, who are continually tidying up all day. Putting everything away out of sight. I think we sometimes have to rethink our ideas just a little, so we have time for ourselves. Because for me it's about perfection.
 
Last edited:

New Threads

Top Bottom