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Featured How to deal with a different (and very stupid) opinion?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by IntoTheVoid, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. IntoTheVoid

    IntoTheVoid Active Member

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    Here is a thing - I hate certain opinions and it's really hard for me to respect them.

    I put the "(and very stupid)" in the title which seems kinda unfair because it looks like I call all opiniona that differ from mine stupid. But when I say stupid, I mean really awful opinions, like - for example - some racist and homophobic and xenophobic and all these extreme things.

    So imagine you have some really good and close friend and you've been friends for years now. And suddenly he comes with some really REALLY horrible opinion that you can't stand. It's an opinion that you really hate.

    So how to reply to such a thing? Usually I want to scream in anger "Are you serious? What a stupid opinion. What is wrong with you?!" and sometimes I do. Mostly because I am totally disappointed, hurt, sad...

    Someone could say "But you should respect a different opinion from yours!" but it really hard because it's really something I deeply hate.

    And even though I kinda... respect it and say myself "It's ok, it's ok... so he has this opinion. Okay okay, he has a right to have this opinion! We are all different! Anybody could think anything! Okay okay. I am not the one who decides what it the only correct opinion."

    But it ruins the person for me anyway, because then I have tendencies to avoid this person and not taking the person seriously. Deep inside I can feel it changed our relationship. It's broken. Ruined.

    And what is worse - almost every single friend of mine has at least one opinion that is really hard to accept and it's really upsetting only knowing it.

    How do you deal with such an issue?
     
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  2. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    I usually tell them I do not agree and do not wish to discuss the subject any further. I can be friends with people with different opinions than my own, but the key to the friendship is to not discuss things we can’t discuss in a civil way. My best friend is my opposite when it comes to politics. I just dodge her attempts to engage me in political conversations and that works well for us.
     
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That's part of today's problem - that people have such a hard time with other's opinions. There is no one on this earth that I agree 100% with. There are some I might disagree 99% with, but all have my respect and love. Some, I know to avoid certain topics. But we're still all basically the same, we're all flesh and blood and trying to live our lives the best we know how. It's a needless loss when you lose a relationship over a differing opinion.
     
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  4. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

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    When the opinion is something horrible about a part of yourself that is not actually horrible and that you cannot change, I would say sometimes it is not a needless loss. You also have to protect yourself.
     
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  5. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well, true. And I've done the same. I mostly was referring to, like political opinions and such. Naturally there are some I've had to put out of my life - those that use anything to hurt you. But it's not the opinion's, but how they use it. Like I know there are things about me some people don't like, but there's things about them that I'm not crazy about too. But when it's someone who uses those things to try to tear you down, that's different.
    When I was a kid my one sister would make fun of my 'Eddie's point' - which is what she called how my hairline came to a small point above my forehead like Eddie Munster. Okay, that was fine - I liked vampires anyway. lol But when she called me downstairs where she had a bunch of friends, and as I walked down, she pulled my bangs back and said "See!!!" Nope - wouldn't trust her again if she were to call me down. And, eventually, she did become one of those I had to put out of my life. So I didn't care that she thought my hairline was weird, it's how she used it.
     
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  6. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

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    For me it is like, if people see me as a bad person because I am not heterosexual or because I am disabled....I can’t deal with that. It hurts too much.
     
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  7. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In the event one or more parties admit to being inherently intolerant of others, it's reasonable to assume that much of any dispute is going to wind up in the realm of useless rather than productive arguments by default.

    Best not to go there in the first place. Avoidance being the simplest and least troublesome remedy to alleviate exposure to potentially harmful or unwanted conditions.
     
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  8. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    If it's something like different political opinions then I would probably start a discussion about it, asking about why they think that way and then stating my own opinions and explaining my reasons. I have really enlightening discussions that way.

    If it is a religious belief I will just change the subject because I have no patience for that stuff and really don't care about other peoples bizarre beliefs.

    If it is a hateful opinion about sexual orientation, gender or race then I will most likely change the subject and then remove them from my life as much as possible. I have too little social energy to waste it on hateful, bigoted people, and they're probably never going to change their mind to anything I say will make no difference.
     
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  9. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Sometimes we come to bad opinions because of bad things that happened to us continously. Maybe there is some bad experience that this person has internalized and helps them get past stuff. So we may spout off stupid stuff because we felt truly vulnerable at one point in our life.

    If you truly value the relationship, l would ask what is your thinking about this, why do you think this way? I am trying to understand.

    I have built-in biases about people who are perfectly able to work and don't. Is it right, no, some people can't work. I am trying to help my friend get more stabilized emotionally, l am upset she isn't working but l want her to succeed at something in life.
     
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  10. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That's one of those cases that the other person has the problem and make you have to deal with their problem. But I do have a question. I like you and when I read your comments and stuff, I see you as wise, intelligent and informed. When you say someone sees you as a bad person, is it because they say it or do you feel like if someone doesn't understand those things it means they see you as bad?
    I do hope you see this question as from caring and not me trying to prove a point or something. I'm just caring and don't want you to hurt.
     
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  11. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've run into that, but for what I will call true cases, really only very rarely, albeit alarming. Most times its just emotions (i.e fear, anger) or over-reactions at play behind it, sometimes on both sides. But when it does happen I do think to myself 'how can they think that?' I think if you really want to get to the bottom of it, that is what you have to figure out. This is not something I would suggest however unless it is important and one has quite a bit of training/experience in this area. Most times, as Bolletje mentioned, I find walking away from it the best option
     
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  12. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

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    Possibly in between those options for disability.

    If someone talks about people with disabilites with disgust and say things like we shouldnt be out if we cant act normal or we are nothing but a drain on society, I describe that as them seeing people with disabilities (a groups that includes me) as bad people.

    If someone tells me I am lazy and selfish and dont understand anything while refusing to listen to anything I say or make any accomodations so I can do better or actually just understand what they want from me in the first place, I understand and describe that as them seeing me as a bad person because I have a disability. (Although for them if they dont believe the disability exists or don’t understand how it works then they just see me as a bad person because of how I fail to meet their expectations and that is it, but the reality is that I fail to meet their expectations because I never knew what the expectation was or the expectation was not reasonable in light of the disability....so my experience of it is that they think I am a bad person because I have a disability).

    For non-heterosexuality it is because they actually say that gay people are bad - that we are perverts and predators and/or that we have some secret plot to make the whole world gay, that we are choosing to do something evil just by having the sexual orientation we have...they express fear and disgust and make it clear they want nothing to do with gay people.
     
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  13. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like it's a struggle with black and white thinking, seeing the person as all bad because of that one bad aspect rather than seeing the same good person you saw before but with one bad aspect.

    Beliefs are complicated. One idiotic belief doesn't make a person an idiot. Someone can be intolerant and still be a good person. It's all very complex.

    One possibility is to see yourself as a positive influence in that regard and think that it might be better for them to have friends with other beliefs, so thinking of it more in relation to them and their well-being.
     
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  14. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    You always have great points to make. :)
     
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  15. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Thank you very much! :D
     
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  16. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    If I see that a person's opinion is incompatible with my own, then I agree to disagree, and not discuss the subject further. Unless they keep bring it up, in which case I avoid the person entirely. I can respect other people's opinions, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree.
     
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  17. VAW

    VAW Member

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    I suppose all people kind of get irritated when you think someone's opinion differs so much from your own or to you seems mean, stupid or just rude. MY son (Aspie) will get real irritated if I say something to him that makes sense to me but he doesn't see it that way at all. OR if I want to talk to him about something I heard on the internet or radio he will cut me right off with Stop talking about that, I don't want to hear it. Now to me...I will listen to anyone, and I think they have a right to believe what they want to and maybe somewhere down the road I may even see their point if not right now, but he won't listen at all if he doesn't agree 100% about something, or is not interested in the subject such as religion.
     
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  18. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I’ve found that there exists very few who are extreme as to their opinions.

    Most people are only repeating what they hear and have not internalized their surface-thinking to the point that their opinion is woven into their character.

    Strip away emotion and the herd mentality, add some patience and a bit of actual “care to understand” and consensus can be reached.

    I certainly would apply this approach to those people one cares for.

    If someone wants to call me narrow minded based on one of my statements or due to my differing personality traits but doesn’t do the work to get to know me in a meaningful way then they have earned the right to their opinion but have lost the gift of being engaged in true human relationship.

    In nearly all instances, people can agree to disagree and find room to live peacefully.

    A timely post to be sure. Thank you for sharing it.
     
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