how to cope with triggering parents on the spectrum

[Flora]

my mum isnt diagnosed but after i got my diagnosis i am pretty convinced she is also on the spectrum, we also both have anxiety and depression.
my mum isnt very good at listening and taking in others points of view so i can tell her that something she does upsets me or makes me anxious and forgets after a few days and does it again then gets very defensive when i get frustrated. she gets very worked up on holidays and long weekends when cleaning and yells alot, after alot of years of being angry with her and myself i have figured out that this is her way of complaining about the situation but she doesnt understand that the complains in the exact same way she growls or tells me off so i have a very hard time telling the difference between if she is stressed or if she is telling me off which makes my anxiety very high.
i dont want to be always in a fight or have to just move out and avoid her but my emotions take days to calm down after she yells and i cant take it.
she has been on antidepressants all my life so atleast it isnt as bad as it could be but she doesnt want to even try getting help to manage her stress and emotions leaving me feeling like i am always having to deal with her emotions ontop of mine.

 

[Xerces Blue]

Remember go for sympathy not empathy.
https://contenthub-static.grammarly...oads/2016/06/empathy-vs-sympathy-examples.jpg

 

[shysnail]

Sorry, this is what this post made me think of

More seriously, it sounds like your mum has some unresolved emotional stuff going on that she's just throwing wildly out into the world, rather than dealing with herself, as an adult. She may be autistic and this perhaps makes it harder for her to do that. Nonetheless, it's not fair on you to have to pick up the pieces.

I also have a mother that just puts everything out there in whatever form she likes (shouting and emotional manipulation are key favourites). She'll apologize, then do the same the next day. I've spoken to her about how it makes me feel, and she'll say she understands and won't do it anymore, yet that lasts until about the next time she is bothered by something.

Honestly, I know this isn't that helpful, but you can't make people change, and they probably won't. Your mum probably would benefit from seeking help, but people only seek help when they decide that for themselves. I've found that getting away from my mum is the best thing for our relationship. Limited contact has really been a blessing for my mental health.

 

[GadAbout]

i dont want to be always in a fight or have to just move out and avoid her but my emotions take days to calm down after she yells and i cant take it.

Why don't you want to move out?

Are you there to support her, or yourself?

Living independently is an important step for many, many adults with autism. You can get some assistance achieving this from local social service or autism agencies.

It's just possible that your mother needs more space, too. You probably do things (unknowingly) that trigger her, as well. Maybe you need to live alone with a support worker and she needs the same, also with a support worker.

Anyway, it's a suggestion, something for you to think about. I do appreciate how hard the situation is for you.

 

[Flora]

Sorry, context. I am currently trying to move out but also I am not working or studying and am on a benefit, I want to be at a place of moving out because it is the good next step rather than out of desperately trying to get away from her.

 

[Mia]

she gets very worked up on holidays and long weekends when cleaning and yells alot, after alot of years of being angry with her and myself i have figured out that this is her way of complaining about the situation

Help her with the work. If she has help, she won't be so angry and will yell quite a bit less. It's obvious she's frustrated and overworked. Take on some of the tasks, dividing them up so it's fair and helpful.

Don't talk to her when she's working, ask her take a break, and do something like making her tea or a sandwich. She should be cared about as well.

Are you doing your own share as an adult? Laundry, cooking, cleaning? It seems there might be less resentment if you don't use her as free labour. My older sister used to bring her dirty laundry home on weekends for my Mom to do, when my Mother was in her eighties. I found this offensive, but she continued to do it whenever she visited.

 

[Creep]

my mum isnt diagnosed but after i got my diagnosis i am pretty convinced she is also on the spectrum, we also both have anxiety and depression.
my mum isnt very good at listening and taking in others points of view so i can tell her that something she does upsets me or makes me anxious and forgets after a few days and does it again then gets very defensive when i get frustrated. she gets very worked up on holidays and long weekends when cleaning and yells alot, after alot of years of being angry with her and myself i have figured out that this is her way of complaining about the situation but she doesnt understand that the complains in the exact same way she growls or tells me off so i have a very hard time telling the difference between if she is stressed or if she is telling me off which makes my anxiety very high.
i dont want to be always in a fight or have to just move out and avoid her but my emotions take days to calm down after she yells and i cant take it.
she has been on antidepressants all my life so atleast it isnt as bad as it could be but she doesnt want to even try getting help to manage her stress and emotions leaving me feeling like i am always having to deal with her emotions ontop of mine.

I think it’s good you’re planning on moving out.

Something that has helped me cope with members of my own family of origin is positive self-talk: “It’s none of my business who - is. - has a right to be in this world the way s/he is. My job is to observe what is going on so I can truly see who - is & respond in a mature way.”

Managing stress & emotions are crucial.

I also experience anxiety that manifests as irritability. Spending time with others exacerbates this. Perhaps mother needs some quality time spent in solitude to “recharge”?

Good luck!