How to change your mindset when you're self-loathing

[dhl02]

So, after (finally) coming to the conclusion that I've been incredibly self-loathing basically since I was a young child, I would like to hear from some others on this forum who have changed their mindset and somewhat adapted to NT society enough to make their lives better, both at work and personally with executive functioning. I know I'm going to be nowhere near perfect, but I would hope that this mindset change could get me as close as I can be. Do I want to fit in with NTs? Yeah. Do I also want to be accepted for who I am? Of course.

The biggest source of self loathing for me is lack of consistent employment and resources. (money)
Also, struggling with depression has gotten me to this point. It seems like the self-loathing and depression feed off of each other. So for those who have been successful in dealing with this issue, how do you stay positive when most of the evidence points in the other direction?

 

[Bella Pines]

I started small. Kept it simple.

1. I disassociated. I was in a vicious circle whereby I associated something with my self-worth. In my case it was weight. I was only 10.5 stone, which looking back was ridiculous, I should have been happy but I was not. I thought I was fat and so that destroyed my self-worth. My self-loathing made me eat more to cheer me up and so I gained weight. And so on. The way out was to break the cycle. I had to disassociate my weight with my self-worth. Disconnect them. And the fact that you have identified that your self-worth is connected with money/employment sounds like you've already begun this analysis.

2. Accept my weight. Once I was aware of the association I treated the two separately. I accepted my weight (it took a long time), I stopped reading glossy magazines and distracted myself with other projects until I stopped obsessing about it.

3. Accept myself. Then finally I worked on accepting myself which I did through mantras. Every time the doubt crept in I would say to myself "I never did mind about the little things". Or "today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you". These are just quotes I picked up in books and films, but they meant something to me and so repeating 3 or 4 times a day was a way for me to remember and focus on something other than the vicious cycle.

Once you have found yourself and found something about YOU that you like, then it is much easier to fit in to NT society and also be yourself.

 

[Gracey]

Hello dhl02
I think it's about accepting 'the now' and finding healthy ways to cope and using things to assist us. Help us to adapt.
Resist focusing on deficits or what we can't do, instead move focus to what we're capable of, what we enjoy, what we're especially good at.
Lose that comparison and harsh self judgement. Re evaluate core beliefs. (That negative self image we believed as a child - probably based on the opinion of others -) do we still believe it? All these years later? Or are we now old enough and experienced enough to change it and believe something else?
Taking back control and forming our own updated or upgraded opinion of self.
?

 

[Keigan]

It takes 14 days to change your behavior, which will change how you feel about yourself and the world around you - it starts by changing your thinking.

As an example, and you can apply this example on any scale into your life:

Start tomorrow morning, set your alarm for like 6am and get up every day at 6am. Do this every day, recognize that you are laying the foundation for routine and change, make a promise to yourself and to someone else that you will get up at 6am every day and do it. There is no snooze alarm or waiting for the next train to go by, get up every day at 6am. Be proud of setting yourself up to do something and doing it.

14 days from now you won't even notice the alarm going off because you'll automatically wake up at that time.

After that, expand your routine by at least one thing every week.

 

[tree]

The length of time it takes to change an
attitude or behavior varies. The results of
one study were popularized as meaning that
21 days was the average, which did apply to
the particular event being studied, but not to
every conceivable circumstance.
How Long Does it Actually Take to Form a New Habit? Backed by Science.

 

[spaceman]

A great habit that helped me. It's my own thing, but I developed it from ideas I Learned from a book. 7 habits of highly effective teenagers. I think 'tree' is helpful here, she knows the links. Etc.

What I dId was find a word. A sudden word like STOP. (For example), then my mind automatically responded with Hammer-time! So now, as soon as I catch myself out thinking bad, loathing, negative, anger at pointless things etc etc. I say it in my head "STOP HAMMERTIME". And Mark it down in a book,
It is a bit of work to be honest for me, as I keep a list of day goals etc written down, and when I do them I cross them off, and award myself an imaginary money value I placed on it earlier, and put it in my imaginary bank account. It's all in my little black book.

So every time I say hammertime, I mark it down. When I tally up to 5. I give myself £40.00 and add it to my personal imaginary account at the end of the day, with all the other ins, and outs. *getting up when planned and opening windows. *take the rubbish out. * do dishes.

After a week or two of sticking to it, the bank balance, I learned, was equal to my self esteem!! And as my account went up and up my confidence and happiness did too, so I add to the list, to see how better I can get.

In the end, every time I said hammer time, my new rule was to follow it up with a 3/1 ratio of positives to outweigh the negative. This seems like a lot, but in reality, I spend so much time in my head, I may as well do this black book malarkey.

The great thing that I didn't predict was it's hard work trying to find 3 positives, but if I want the points, I must come up with them, makes me feel empowered. And also clears up the issue.

My brain recognised when I was about to say HAMMER TIME, it couldn't be bothered to do the three positives afterwards it's draining, so the positives popped in my head, and I refrained and resisted a hammer time. Now I only get like that if something makes me real angry. I hardly get that level of loathing anymore, if I did. I'd get back into my black book again.

I'm sorry this is long. Hope it helps. And you find a way.
J

 

[Babyc]

I started small. Kept it simple.

1. I disassociated. I was in a vicious circle whereby I associated something with my self-worth. In my case it was weight. I was only 10.5 stone, which looking back was ridiculous, I should have been happy but I was not. I thought I was fat and so that destroyed my self-worth. My self-loathing made me eat more to cheer me up and so I gained weight. And so on. The way out was to break the cycle. I had to disassociate my weight with my self-worth. Disconnect them. And the fact that you have identified that your self-worth is connected with money/employment sounds like you've already begun this analysis.

2. Accept my weight. Once I was aware of the association I treated the two separately. I accepted my weight (it took a long time), I stopped reading glossy magazines and distracted myself with other projects until I stopped obsessing about it.

3. Accept myself. Then finally I worked on accepting myself which I did through mantras. Every time the doubt crept in I would say to myself "I never did mind about the little things". Or "today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you". These are just quotes I picked up in books and films, but they meant something to me and so repeating 3 or 4 times a day was a way for me to remember and focus on something other than the vicious cycle.

Once you have found yourself and found something about YOU that you like, then it is much easier to fit in to NT society and also be yourself.

How does it affect you in your daily lives? was it hard to deal with?

 

[Bella Pines]

How does it affect you in your daily lives? was it hard to deal with?

Yes, very hard and took a long time. But it enables my daily life. I would not have been able to integrate or survive in NT society if I hadn't broken the cycle of self loathing first.

 

[Marcus]

I go through the gauntlet of self-loathing all too often it seems.

But the biggest help to get me out of the mood (other than my music) is telling myself to remember how far I've come in life, and I might not get my phone bombarded by texts constantly or have many friends, but I still have people that love and care for me.

Although, it is nice to be reminded that I matter to people on occasion.