Found some very fine advice in this article:
The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do to Build Emotional Intelligence
To the outside observer, I seem to have no social difficulties at all. Having only known I am Aspie for less than two years, I have spent a lot of time pondering how this could be. Since I am as Aspie as an entire Star Trek convention.
I think part of it is how I learned to use silence in my conversations. The less comfortable I feel, the quieter I am, but I am not perceived as some strange mute person because of it. Because while I am quiet and listening, I am also giving feedback.
And indeed, that is so.
It’s not that I am faking any of this: I am an empathetic person and I do care about being a caring person for them. I got good enough at it, using logic about what they want from me, to the point that I do Tarot Readings for charity, which requires a high level of skill for an NT, much less an ND.
I never practiced in a mirror, though I understand that can be helpful for some. My lifelong interest in acting led me to pick up some useful techniques though, and one is what I call “face of glass.” When I feel the emotion, and then drop my mask to let what I am feeling actually show; people seem to understand what my face is saying.
So if you are having trouble, practicing with a helpful and willing person might go a long way. I have concluded that maybe a lot of my success might be coming from the fact that I was in a small family group a lot of time, interacting with younger siblings who were more forgiving of my “mistakes” (since they didn’t know any better themselves) and were quick to give feedback.
From the article:
Gee, I think this might just be the problem!
The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do to Build Emotional Intelligence
The most important factor in attempting to cultivate emotional intelligence is the importance of listening and not talking. When people feel like they are having difficulty with a social skill, their insecurities bring on talking. So, when people are insecure about something, they tend to talk a lot. The most important thing when you're trying to learn a skill often is to just be quiet. Listening is a vital part of trying to learn about emotional intelligence.
To the outside observer, I seem to have no social difficulties at all. Having only known I am Aspie for less than two years, I have spent a lot of time pondering how this could be. Since I am as Aspie as an entire Star Trek convention.
I think part of it is how I learned to use silence in my conversations. The less comfortable I feel, the quieter I am, but I am not perceived as some strange mute person because of it. Because while I am quiet and listening, I am also giving feedback.
- Brief eye contact during a pause
- Brief nods at the end of “sentences” and “paragraphs”
- I make sure my face is reflecting the substance of the conversation; sad for troubles, smiling for funny or cute
- If they look at me for something, they want a phrase indicating sympathy with the tone of their story, like “how sad” or “that’s hilarious”
And indeed, that is so.
It’s not that I am faking any of this: I am an empathetic person and I do care about being a caring person for them. I got good enough at it, using logic about what they want from me, to the point that I do Tarot Readings for charity, which requires a high level of skill for an NT, much less an ND.
I never practiced in a mirror, though I understand that can be helpful for some. My lifelong interest in acting led me to pick up some useful techniques though, and one is what I call “face of glass.” When I feel the emotion, and then drop my mask to let what I am feeling actually show; people seem to understand what my face is saying.
So if you are having trouble, practicing with a helpful and willing person might go a long way. I have concluded that maybe a lot of my success might be coming from the fact that I was in a small family group a lot of time, interacting with younger siblings who were more forgiving of my “mistakes” (since they didn’t know any better themselves) and were quick to give feedback.
From the article:
The other side of emotional intelligence that's important to remember is that people are not looking to have their problems solved. They're looking to be able to experience the comfort of having another person present for them to vent to, but not to have problems solved. When you try to solve a problem for somebody else, it basically sends a message to that person that you can't tolerate listening to them talking. That doesn't demonstrate high emotional intelligence. They will feel that you are sending a backhanded message that you don't think they can solve the problem on their own. You don't want to send that message either.
Gee, I think this might just be the problem!
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