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How to break news of 17 Feb move to mom?

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by oregano, Jan 9, 2021.

  1. oregano

    oregano is plotting his escape

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    I am really struggling with the best way to notify mom of the almost certainty of the 17 February move beginning date. When I thought I could do it in October, I told her via voice phone, and she just was dead silent for two minutes, then started in with the thinly veiled "you can't do this to me" routine.

    I was talking with my primary care physician yesterday and she also treats mom, and she (the GP) said that my mom views me as one of her last friends. I do help out a little, but my aunt and uncle live here and they help out more and my aunt is basically my mom's BFF and they talk for hours, far more than I talk to mom.

    I know most of my mom's biological family has died, her husband died in 2015. She tried making friends through small time philanthropy but covid ended that, and many of those ladies have died or gone into old peoples homes so that is gone. My mom is very social and afraid of being alone.

    I've got to live my life and do what is best for me though, and my mom has been opposed to every move I made towards independence since I graduated HS in 1993. I just wonder how to break it to her gently. Should I tell my aunt first, and then both of us go in, and then I tell her, then I leave and my aunt stays to talk to mom?
     
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  2. SDRSpark

    SDRSpark Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I wouldn't give her much notice. It sounds cruel, but the longer she knows about it, the more time she has to try to stop you (and she will). It will likely be a daily guilt trip from the time you tell her to the time you actually leave. (There's also the possibility that she could - and I really hope she wouldn't, but when someone is really opposed to another household member moving it's a possibility - attempt to sabotage you.)
     
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  3. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    @oregano

    "I do help out a little, but my aunt and uncle live here and they help out more and my aunt is basically my mom's BFF and they talk for hours, far more than I talk to mom."

    What does "my aunt and uncle live here" mean?
    Live in the same house as you and your mother?
    Or live in the same general area, but in a different dwelling?
     
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  4. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Talk to your aunt and ask her to help your mother accept that she must make the transition to your moving away. When you tell your mother, hopefully face to face with strong resolve on your end, ask her to visit you as often as possible in your new place. That will give her something to look forward to.

    Parents are always insecure about their children moving on. I've gone through those feelings three times now. LOL. And all of my children are thriving on their own.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think you said on another thread your aunt and uncle live in RVs at the rear of your mum's property? So they will be right there to support her, I guess.

    Do you have everything you need to make the move? And people to support you?
     
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  6. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I agree with sdrspark. It would be a better if you feel you must tell her, to do it, either on the day, or the day before, so that she has not a lot of time to panic about it.

    Make sure that you regularly visit and text, so that she won't sense that you have gone, because that no doubt is a big worry, is that once you leave, she will never see you again.
     
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  7. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    IMO telling her ahead of the date you're moving is simply the right- and decent thing to do.
     
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  8. oregano

    oregano is plotting his escape

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    Yes, my aunt and uncle live in an RV (actually two travel trailers, one for her and one for him) in the far back of the property. My mom owns one acre of land, and the main house where she lives faces the road, then I am in a small one room cottage behind that, then the two RV's are behind me near the back fence. My uncle does things like mow the big lawn in front, and my aunt works remotely three days a week and she does so in my dad's former home office in the main house.

    And yes I have everything I need.
     
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  9. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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  10. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    If this was normal, l say tell her. But you have confided this isn't quite normal. The other option- (the one l would use if in your place - tab deceitful, but will cut down on your anxiety), that day *17* just start moving stuff out. As she approaches you in shock, just claim you thought she was totally aware of it. Then just keeping moving stuff. Ask her when you can visit her morning or evening? Like you are showing her , this happening and where do we go from here. And ask her for something (a distraction). Tell you need a heater or some linens. So excited for you. l love my new home because it isn't in an apartment complex. So tired of people in my business. We would all be better off if people minded their own business. Good luck.
     
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  11. oregano

    oregano is plotting his escape

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    That's a little too raw, I think, @Aspychata. I like the idea of telling her the Saturday before the move, then she can stew for the next few days.

    The thing is, it's not one big move. I go up on the 17 with the tools and stuff I need, then have the shed built, then outfit it. Then I drive back to Sacramento, rent a pickup, load it with the big heavy stuff like the bed and dresser and table, drive up there, unload it, then drive back the next day and turn in the truck. Then the little stuff (not much of that) gets loaded in the Hyundai and I drive back for the final move.

    I can't use a box truck because box trucks have to undergo a mandatory weight check in Redding before driving through the river canyon, right alongside the big rigs. I'm worried some cop is gonna flag something I wasn't aware of and tell me to turn back. Professional truckers know all the rules but civilians like me don't.

    Also, the cops like to park in the median strip where the canyon opens up just south of Mount Shasta City and look for excuses to pull over rental box trucks to look for marijuana and meth. I'm not talking a few ounces, that's the major route for smugglers headed to Portland and Seattle with trucks full of dope, and if the Yreka CHP can grab some dude in a rental truck with a zillion kilos of weed stashed inside they get good press in the regional news.

    Pickups don't have to go through the weigh station and they're not as attractive a target to the cops. (American asset forfeiture laws also allow the cops to keep any cash they find, which is usually a lot with a big smuggler, so for a dinky little outpost like Yreka that's another big motivator.)

    I can't rent a flatbed to take the Hyundai up at the same time either since speed limits are much lower for vehicles towing trailers and the freeway north of Woodland is crawling with radar gun equipped cops looking for prey. The fines are HUGE, too. North of the Woodland Curve the freeway is pretty much straight and flat until you get to around Corning or so (about 100 miles) and morons love to floor it and do 100+ mph. Those guys wind up forking out extra penalties for 100+ speeding.

    So there's a bunch of little CHP offices along the way and they get a big chunk of budget from grabbing people for anything they can think of, and of course any big drug bust is a bonus. One moment of not paying attention and it's a $1000+ fine for you.
    ========
    Apartments are just terrible, aren't they, especially nowadays? Especially apartments for the poor like what is called Section 8 in the US. They're filled with all sorts of weirdos and you can just smell the weed and meth.
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    I have stayed in private condos and nice apartments, everybody seems to have a side gig like the one you are discussing. And harrassing you just seems part of the scam l am afraid. In the hopes you buy product - l can only surmise. But l only depend on coffee. So far cops haven't pulled me over on a java rush. lol
     
  13. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    nobody needs a guilt trip laid on them - least not you.
     
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  14. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    It doesn't matter aunts or friends. She will miss you!
    You must focus on telling her you will make sure she won't lose you.
    You must talk to her and tell her that your relationship with her will improve.
    You will be a happier man, you will call her to tell the news, to ask advices, to ask about her life more than you do now, because now there is the obligation, and you are unhappy.
    The way things are going to be from now on are better for you and for your relationship with her.
    You must thank her for what she did for you. She made you a grown man. And you need her blessings.
    Ask her for her blessings, tell her this is important for you, that she is happy that you are strong to take this step in your life.
    That is the truth in your heart, and I believe it is in her heart as well.
     
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  15. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you're legal, then you have nothing to worry about other than the remote possibility of being stopped. Drive safely, don't overload your vehicle, take whatever paperwork your state requires (license and proof of insurance, whatever), and be respectful if you get stopped. You'll be fine.
     
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  16. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't just abandon her. That's cruel. You need to put on your grownup pants and gently tell her, and be kind about it, no matter what she says. Ease her into the transition. She's your mother, and you never get another.

    And if she's an older lady, you shouldn't move far away. One of the cruelest things I've seen happen is adult children leaving their parents during their golden years.

    Yes she has attachment issues, maybe she's somewhat on the spectrum too? But like I said before, you only get one mother.