How to be ok when he withdraws from me

[Determineddiva]

I’m an NT female and am with a man who I believe may have aspergers. His dad had it and his son is diagnosed with it but my partner has never been diagnosed for it. Whenever we have a misunderstanding and if I get anxious and upset he tends to want to immediately be on his own and can’t get over even the smallest thing without doing this. I then sit up all night worried sick and can’t rest until we are ok again. I’m worries about our relationship and my health so just need some advice- how to I become ok with this and deal with it better? Tia

 

[menander]

You can maybe get into counseling or talk to him about it? people have traits that don't change and if he has ASD it won't change, nor should it. You have to ask if you can accept how it is now. If you cannot, you should leave the relationship and if you can, then stay. But you need to tell him what you just told us. You MUST communicate openly and clearly with him. And then HE may not want to stay, either.

Relationships can never be formed on ideals. Reality will always claw its way in. Face it and you may find you can accept one another fully. How beautiful would that be?

 

[Jonn]

You MUST communicate openly and clearly with him.

I agree. Be direct and honest. None of us, on the spectrum, are mind readers.

 

[Mia]

Whenever we have a misunderstanding and if I get anxious and upset he tends to want to immediately be on his own and can’t get over even the smallest thing without doing this. I then sit up all night worried sick and can’t rest until we are ok again. I’m worries about our relationship and my health so just need some advice- how to I become ok with this and deal with it better? Tia

Glad that you are asking Tia. People with autism need time to figure things out. So they distance themselves. Running all the senarios through to get it right.

Try to think about it as time for yourself, maybe a vacation from those things that happen, a little reflective time for you. It's more a matter of concern that it affects you this way and keeps you worried about the status of your relationship. Maybe less judgement on both your parts, and more letting some things go, unless they are extremely important to you.

Ruminating about this kind of thing, takes moments of your life away. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't speak your truth. And help the other person to understand. Maybe consider that both of you can be right. People who argue about things do so because they care about issues and one another. It's often not about who is right or who is wrong.

 

[SDRSpark]

You can maybe get into counseling or talk to him about it? people have traits that don't change and if he has ASD it won't change, nor should it. You have to ask if you can accept how it is now. If you cannot, you should leave the relationship and if you can, then stay. But you need to tell him what you just told us. You MUST communicate openly and clearly with him. And then HE may not want to stay, either.

Relationships can never be formed on ideals. Reality will always claw its way in. Face it and you may find you can accept one another fully. How beautiful would that be?

This. Counseling may be a good idea here.

That said, it doesn't sound like a particularly healthy situation for you - so if he can't understand how this affects you and be willing to accommodate (That accommodation could be as simple as telling you that he cares about you, and needs time alone to process this. He doesn't necessarily need to stop having the time and space he needs, but to vanish every time there's even a hint of conflict is not OK in a relationship.) than you're probably better off without this particular relationship.

One thing I've learned over the years is that I cannot make myself be happy in uncomfortable situations. If I'm unhappy with something, no amount of time, "changing perspective" etc. is going to change that. I can put up with it for a while, be miserable, and finally I'll realize that I wasted a bunch of time being miserable because my level of contentment with a situation just is not improving, and then I'll get out of the situation. And usually, I will regret the time wasted trying to make myself be OK with whatever it is. This pattern has repeated itself a fair few times in my life and one of these days, I'm going to learn how to cut my losses a lot sooner. (Well, maybe there won't be any losses to cut if I don't stick around long enough to invest heavily in things that make me unhappy.)

 

[Stardust Parade]

Ask HIM, not us.

 

[Jonn]

How aware is he?
Is he willing to look at the possibility that he is on the spectrum?
If not, and you are right about his autism, you may have to leave.

People don't like ultimatums, but you may be forced into giving him one. <shrug>

But if you feel a need to leave, prepare yourself properly beforehand, obviously.

 

[Jonn]

Counseling may be a good idea here.

Yup.

 

[Gracey]

Stop staying up all night 'worried sick'.

It wont change the outcome and you'll make yourself ill

Look at the bigger picture.

He uses a 'time out' to process.
It's nothing personal, just an effective coping strategy he's developed over time to prevent misunderstanding and any escalation.

It's a thought process not a verbal process.

He'll emerge eventually, ready to carry on.

While he's off doing his thing, work on your thing.
What you can do for yourself while he's m.i.a.
treat yourself to a spa day. Catch up on work emails, go out with friends or whatever it is you like to do for yourself.

Just as he respects your requirement to verbally process your emotions,
respect his requirement for a little space and time initially, to organise his thoughts and feelings before speaking with you.

You have the rest of your natural life time to discuss the particular event that led to this pause in proceedings, use the time here in this moment to accept each others idiosyncrasies.

 

[Aspychata]

Glad that you are asking Tia. People with autism need time to figure things out. So they distance themselves. Running all the senarios through to get it right.

Try to think about it as time for yourself, maybe a vacation from those things that happen, a little reflective time for you. It's more a matter of concern that it affects you this way and keeps you worried about the status of your relationship. Maybe less judgement on both your parts, and more letting some things go, unless they are extremely important to you.

Ruminating about this kind of thing, takes moments of your life away. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't speak your truth. And help the other person to understand. Maybe consider that both of you can be right. People who argue about things do so because they care about issues and one another. It's often not about who is right or who is wrong.

Really like this @Mia. This is a healthy way to view this. Definitely stepping back and feeling comfortable is important. There is an amount of Fred Astaire dancing back and forth in such a relationship. Sometimes you retreat and divebomb under the sofa, sometimes they drop off the earth. It's a complicated dance with no known dance steps, no recital, and no audience - yet we sign up for the class anyways, (and learn absolutely nothing lol).

 

[Aspychata]

To the poster, you have to confront your anxiety with the worse case scenario. Once you accept that, then your anxiety will mellow a bit. You feeling anxious is more about you and less about him. Can you help by explaining that when he is absent, you then flip into anxiety mode? Is there a pattern of this farther back in your life? Mom? Past boyfriend?