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How should girls approach autistic guys?

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Lactobuzzillus

Skipped Elf Practice
I’ve been eyeing this fellow who goes to my church. He definitely gives me on-the-spectrum vibes—delightfully odd, painfully awkward, smart, most comfortable around children and older adults, and such.

I’ve come to the realization that I am so used to interacting the “neurotypical” way that I don’t know what else to try. I think that trying to interact with him like I normally do would just stress him out, and I don’t want that.

How can I approach him in a way that makes him feel most at ease?
 
Let me set my way-back machine to...1989. I was a teenager who very, very much wanted a girlfriend but was totally inept at doing anything about it. And then, one day, a girl hands me a note. Turns out, it was written by her best friend. She was telling me that she liked me, and maybe I could come see her after school as she worked in the local drug store? She didn't have to ask me twice! It would be great if I could tell you we later married and lived happily ever after; no, but it was a great relationship that lasted several years and we remain friends. All because of that note.
 
How can I approach him in a way that makes him feel most at ease?
Your profile says that you are self-diagnosed Aspergers. Don't you have the same awkwardness?

If he is having an open conversation, you can jump into it, if it is a topic that you are familiar with. He may not recognize that you are interested in him, but he might enjoy the conversation. (Don't be overly antagonistic, though.)
 
@Lactobuzzillus
I started writing a full response to this, but deleted it because it needed far too much background information.
I'm starting with something brief instead.

1. ASD men aren't used to being approached by women. Actually men aren't used to being approached by women. But an NT guy will "lean in", and try to make conversation. An ASD male is quite likely to "turn away", because the interaction is unusual and difficult.
2. Prepare some possible conversational topics, and prepare how to introduce them. You will have to make it easy for your "target" to participate in a conversation. IRL, men have to do this, and women don't, so you may not be used to it. It's hard work.

And of course the general rule: be direct and simple in your communication.

Approach directly, and say something real that induces a simple response from him ("hello", or "hello my name is X" would be a sufficient response). Then it's your move again. Be prepared.

Say exactly and only what you mean
Do your best to remove non-verbal and indirect verbal ("between the lines"; implicit assumptions) elements from your speech. ND women are much better at that aspect of NT speech than ND men, so don't assume "symmetrical" verbal skills.
 
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Every guy is going to be different, but with me,...

My first interaction with my wife. We met freshman year at the university: Step 1: In biology lecture, some 200 students in a lecture, she decides the "drop the pencil" at my feet move. Sure enough, I bend over to pick up the pencil, I look up, and there she is, staring at me with her big brown eyes. Cute, but there are other cute girls, and I am focused upon the lecture. Step 2: The "eye contact from across the room" move. Cafeteria, chemistry lecture, biology lecture, and just being a bit of a stalker, but in a subtle way, being in the general vicinity and then catching my eye from far away. Again, those big brown eyes working their magic. Give that several days. Step 3: The "send a friend over to talk to me" move. We had some common acquaintances, so just send one of them my way and mention her name and which dormitory she lives in. Step 4: My move. Stop at the front desk of the dormitory, obtain a phone number for some girl with her name that lives there. Then, call the wrong girl with the same name and start up a conversation only for her to realize its actually some other girl down the hallway I am describing.o_O:D Funny, but she was a "good sport" about it. Finally, call number two, I get the right girl. Awkward conversation ensues. She meets me down in the lobby and we go for a walk. After that, we were inseparable,...almost 38 years now.

Now, for the most part, I have "alpha" type personality qualities. I am quiet, but firm in my convictions. I don't like it when I see people having self-esteem issues, so I always try to "build them up". I am a positive person, in general. I want to help whenever possible. I strongly believe in a male "code of conduct". Strong work ethic. I am responsible to a fault. She had a father that was also this way, but more of a neurotypical extrovert. Two brothers and a father that ended up being engineers, a mother that was an accountant. So, she was attracted to people with intellect, and someone who was going to be supportive of her in every way. We were both "health sciences" majors at the university, so we had some of the same classes, hung around with some of the same people, etc.

If there was any sort of difficulties we had to go through, it was (1) the communication thing where I am horrible with "small talk", but if we had something in common it was OK. So, she had to get used to "quiet time" and just read or do something on her own to keep her mind occupied, and (2) she had to convert from "indirect language" to "direct language" because I would get confused with "round-about" ways of trying to make me understand via "hints" and "questions". Both of us would get frustrated. It took us a while to sort it out. The other thing (3) was that she was a "late bloomer" in the sense that she grew up sort of an awkward, low self-esteem, "geeky" teenager, and even though she was a young beautiful woman, she still saw that teenager in the mirror. Whenever, I would interact with another female, she was immediately threatened by that. It took me a while to understand what was going on with her. Eventually, as I kept working on reassuring her, building her confidence in herself, being her "rock" that she could depend upon, etc., it finally morphed her into a strong, independent, intelligent woman that she is. We can do our own things, make our own money, neither of us are financially dependent upon each other, and love is what keeps us together. Neither of us is "trapped" in some sort of dependency, so I know the love is real.

So, knowing what I know now:
1. You can make your intentions clear, but you can also relax a bit, because even if he wants to reciprocate that interest, it may take him some time to warm up to the idea.
2. A fair percentage of us grew up with bad interactions with people that we should have been able to trust, family and "friends". The communication styles and interactions can be different and difficult to interpret. We tend to be socially naive in the sense we often have "mind blindness" and have difficulty with understanding "intent". We often have trust issues. Just be direct. We aren't likely going to be able to "read between the lines". Don't ever say to yourself, "He should know,..." NO. You pretty much have to be direct and very clear. No ambiguity.
3. Expect a lot of "quiet moments". Grab a book, your computer, redirect yourself toward your own special interests. My wife and I can discuss important things like finances, the kids, the house, work, etc. We can discuss "things and ideas", but I am NOT interested in people, emotions, and relationships. I've got nothing to add to that conversation. Sure, I will listen to her, but that's about it. I have told my wife, if you really need to have those conversations, you discuss them with your girlfriends. She does. She has regular times where she gets together with her girlfriends and that's a great thing for her. I know my limitations and if there are certain topics she needs or wants to talk about, and I am not that person, then I encourage her to talk to her friends. Totally cool with that.
4. Special interests. That's a "thing" you have to get used to. It consumes our thoughts and we will often try to redirect the conversation towards our special interests. Here's the thing. It is highly likely you are NOT going to be interested in any of it. You will find yourself nodding your head with a clueless mind. You won't understand. Special interests are not "hobbies" with "passing knowledge". We spend money, time, research, etc. It involves quite a bit of invasive, intrusive thoughts to the point of frustration where we can't get our minds off of it. Sleep is lost. We take "deep dives" down to the molecular level. We will eventually exhaust all of the available knowledge on that topic, our minds get bored, then we move onto the next special interest. I have had many special interests, sometimes more than one at a time. I have spent thousands of dollars on them over the years.

Hope this gives you some perspective.
 
I think that trying to interact with him like I normally do would just stress him out, and I don’t want that
Well, you’re going to have to be authentic, right? Too much planning here could create something false. Be yourself without the mask, see what happens.

If you want things to work out with him, you don’t want to start under false pretense. Eventually you will want someone who you can just be yourself around, so why not start off that way and just see how it goes?
 
More woman mainly from Church I don't know have been coming up to me for conversations since August of last year after years of them ignoring me. I find releaf and stressful at the same time so I try to find something that most women have or do like pets, my cats and doing yoga.

I do get disappointed that nothing comes out of it but I now accept it.
 
How can I approach him in a way that makes him feel most at ease?

Just the act of approaching them alone might reflect a great deal of goodwill. Especially if they are used to an impression of women shunning them, whether it's really the case or not. (As long as their aren't intensely focused on something else at the time.)

However it's truly up to them as to whether or not they can even deal with it, or simply shy away and avoid any contact at all. Sometimes the simplest form of flattery just might get some of us anywhere that you want to go. ;)
 
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I would start with simple pleasantries to establish some basic connection. I'm rather liking the idea someone else suggested about passing him a note and saying something like: "I wrote you a friendly note. Seems quirky, but that's how I am. Reading it later will work best." If you don't specify that you would like him to read it later he'll be standing there wondering if you want him to read it on front of you. Also in the note, specify that you'd welcome a note back from him OR if notes aren't his thing, you'd also welcome chatting together sometime.

Think about it: Which is a more endearing story to tell people years later of you two hit it off when you're asked how you two met?

"I went up to him and struck up a conversation."

or

"I wrote him a note and passed it to him like we were back in school. It got both of our hearts beating like we were kids and that was the start of our relationship."
 
I definitely wish women would approach more.
It would make things so much easier for me and I wouldn’t feel so discouraged as well as hopeless.

What baffles me is that even women who call themselves feminists still wait for men to approach first.
 
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What baffles me is that even women who call themselves feminists still wait for men to approach first.
Some people want all the benefits of being a man and a woman, but still want to take advantage of the double standards when it suits them. Confusing, and irritating.
 
As a very shy guy and afraid of rejection, anybody who gave me the impression that they would accept me had my attention. While meeting my spouse, I called her for a simple transaction about car pooling to a Sierra Club outing. With few other expectations we enjoyed each other on the road trip. She was very accepting and disarmed me completely that after a particularly nice day I did something that I never did before, asked her if she would like to make love (and me, a 28 year old virgin). My mind went into panic mode and I did not hear her assent. Finally by being very accepting, she patiently explained to me that we were taking our friendship into a new dimension. I had never felt so accepted and understood as I felt then.
 
Probably just go talk to him like you would normally, don't get too frustrated if it feels like he is shutting you down by being shy and/or answering with only a few words, not understanding if you try to flirt etc. He might like you but still somehow freeze and get nervous and feel like he is not interested (has happened to me when I was younger :laughing:).

I don't know about other guys but for me when I have been approached by girls in the past, the one thing that has helped me to ease up is if the girl seems a little bit nervous when she does the approach (I don't mean a lot and I am not saying you should fake it if you don't actually feel like it :D). This gives this sense that I don't have to be afraid of being awkward because she has shown that she has pushed through some discomfort herself to talk to me so she really must want to talk to me :grinning:
 
Girls I talk to actually told me the reason why they don't approach a guy is because they are afraid of rejection. So, if they both think that way, most of the time it's a stalemate where no one approaches anyone. I feel the same way and encountered many stalemates. Still do.
 
Honest question, what would the feminist version of dating look like?
It really depends upon how far down that "rabbit hole" she fell down. Some of these really "far left" ideas on gender studies, equity vs equality, etc. being perpetuated are horribly misguided and distorted on several levels. They get caught up in their little bubble of information of conformational biases and they can get quite upset with anything that appears to be the contrary.

I am highly attracted to an "alpha" female. I seek out a female that is strong, independent, and have their own thing going on. If you don't NEED me, but still WANT to be with me, then I know that love is real. If you know that as the female, that door is wide open for you to walk away, and you still choose to stay, that's actually quite comforting. As an "alpha" male, I am not going to control you in any way, treat you as an equal partner, be respectful and polite, love you deeply, support you, lift you up, give you confidence, and be your "rock". So, in that perspective and context, I am a feminist myself.

So the answer to that question is a bit open to interpretation, but it highly depends upon what form of "feminist" the woman is, and as a male, whether you're a natural "alpha" or not.
 
I was never able to chat women up but many women aren't at all shy and would make it quite obvious when they decided what they wanted. I was usually too slow to pick up on subtle advances and many of them would ask me straight up if I was interested or not. When they put the question to you like that it's difficult to refuse.
 
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