How lonely and alone are you?

[Gomendosi]

I am lonely and I am also alone, perhaps you are only alone, or maybe you are just lonely, you could even be both like me, but are you more or less and how do you know?

How do we measure the amount of loneliness we feel, how is it more for you than for others, I may say that I am alone because my family doesn?t come to visit me, but somebody else says they are more alone because their parents have died! As one of my parents is still alive does that mean the other person is in fact more alone than I? What if they have a few friends to talk to, am I now more alone than them because they have a support base whereas I only have one of my parents to associate with?

Somebody once said you can be alone in a room full of people...
And that goes double for the internet, I see people professing levels of loneliness all over the place like it?s a competition sometimes ; ]

I am always curious how one person can actually claim to be lonelier than somebody else, surely these things, being alone and feeling loneliness, have no quantifiable amounts...

Somebody in a relationship of several years can still be as lonely as a virgin, right?
Somebody that knows fifty people can still find themselves as alone as lighthouse keeper, surely?

What are your views on being alone and feeling loneliness? Are you of the opinion that the internet and television are to blame for people being so disconnected or is this cyber reality connecting us in this very forum actually a good thing? Do you come in here to be less lonely and does it work? Are you less alone if you are surrounded by the intangible avatars of people so many miles away?

I know I can become overwhelmed and even sometimes, after a while, I can become considerably distraught by being alone and so in an attempt to rectify the situation I go out to see people but because I have Asperger?s this only serves to reinforce my loneliness, which of course makes me want to be alone and that only makes me feel lonely again.

All of which makes me think it is myself that is increasing my unhealthy reclusive lifestyle.

 

[King_Oni]

I think you're spot on that internet and television actually contributes to a certain degree of disconnectedness (and as such loneliness). Are they to blame? Nah... it's just like blaming liquor for alcholism... or heroin for drug abuse. People don't have the restraint... which one might argue is a result of society that creates stressfull lives where people actually need to disconnect with themselves and others and zone out. It just happens that this moment to zone out is made really attractive by contemporary media.

Despite my "social" situation I feel very much alone, even if I'm in a relationship (a long distance one though), and I have both my parents at the same house as me. I don't feel that I connect with any of these people a lot. Granted, I connect more with my girlfriend than my parents, but still... I sometimes think she's a vague blur in the distance, whereas other people aren't even a blur. They're not even there.

To follow up here's a thing to add to loneliness might be "how comfortable are you with your (supposed) loneliness?". With my minor social life and them being mostly blurs, I still feel they're a factor I don't really want around all the time. Even this, what some people might call, "unhealthy and dangerous" isolation, already is choking me. I need my alone time... for about 167 hours a week mostly... and that includes interactions with cashiers or any other people I might encounter in daily life. I had a chat with the local tattoo-artist today, and that was enough (real life) social interaction for me for the entire week. I sometimes feel my social interaction is like giving minutes on credit already. 10 minutes more this week, means 10 minutes less next week. So all in all, I feel rather comfy being on my own. I somewhat feed on the isolation I guess... the times where I actually felt best, was when I ignored my parents for 3 full months, didn't talk to anyone, and just left my room for showers and bathroombreaks. That's when I actually got stuff done.

Do I come here to "defeat" loneliness? Barely. I am interested in stuff people post on here, but honestly, they could just as well be 150 bots that generate sensible posts. Obviously a photograph of how someone looks does add to the "realness" of someone and paints a prettier picture. I mean no offense to anyone here though... we all have our own identity and all and that's perfectly fine. Maybe this distance I have with online users on forums, skype, or whatever I use, is the result of a bitter loneliness as well.

And that goes double for the internet, I see people professing levels of loneliness all over the place like it’s a competition sometimes ; ]

It is 2013... and in this day and age everything can be turned into a contest. I wouldn't even be surprised if there's a record for "loneliest person" in the Guiness world record book.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I hardly ever feel lonely although by myself for the great majority of time. Occasionally I feel lonely when my husband and I are in different rooms in the house and haven't talked in awhile, but it is temporary and passes quickly. I have many people I could talk to if I wanted (parents, colleagues, friends, family), but I choose to be by myself. Perhaps that is the difference - the choice. Honestly, when I feel most isolated it is when I am in a crowd of people and don't relate to, or want to relate to, any of them. I like on-line though. It gives me a chance to "talk" with people I mostly understand. And if I get bored or annoyed noon takes offense if I just leave. Social stuff is just too exhausting for me. I prefer to be alone. I pursue my interests and feel more fulfilled, and then when I do have a face to face with someone I have more offer. I can be attentive because I'm not thinking about all the other things I rather be doing, and I don't feel tired or overwhelmed.

 

[Aalo]

I am almost never lonely, but very alone. It is mostly because of my own choice. I'll need great deal of time alone after socializing, and generally do manage better alone than with anyone. So to say, I'm more lonely when in company that won't understand me, than with myself (as I understand myself usually very clearly). I like doing things alone, going places by myself. Usually I find it easy to accompany myself the way I don't even miss being in a group.

The thing is, that even that I find communicating and people managing dissonances really interesting and would be willing to share trusting mutual interactions with people, it's not something I'll do easily and as I don't feel myself worthy pursuing my far thought argumentative opinions on people (and at point lose interest in people with lack of motivation in these matters). And sometimes telling people things and listening them telling things back just feels inane, because nothing really happens, there's always misinformation, both could never say all they wanted...
It is easy to remember how I've been lonely in all of my past relationships because of this. Yes, I can go shopping groceries together, see a movie and watch telly, sit really close, but that doesn't ever make my inner feelings contented the way I'd need to. No matter how well I'd know my partner, my inner dialogue would always be more essential.

On those sparse moments when I get unhappy because lack of social connections are usually caused by feel of rejection, not just that I have too much air to breath by myself.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I am alone at present and a bit lonely. I find it so hard to fit in with others even when I am at a social group I am still lonely.

I try to put it behind me or try not to think about it because it just seems the ultimate conclusion to everything.

 

[anne.bc]

Realistically, I have lots of friends. I have loads of people in my life. All is fine and dandy. BUT, because I have Asperger's syndrome, I feel lonely because I'm too scared to approach friends to have social gatherings with them. I feel they should make "the first move". It is because of this that I feel neglected, but I know that I am not.

 

[Flinty]

"Alone but never lonely, that's how I'd like to be." - Murray McLauchlan, Down By The Henry Moore

And that's how I am, at least from 4:30 PM to 8 AM most days.

 

[Lector Tiberius]

Well , it's weird. I'm lonely on my terms. I do prefer this alot of the time and when I do feel like being social I can do that to. The biggest stumbling blocks are : strangers , I seriously don't like being around them because I can't read them hardly So I tend to stay indoors alot with my cat who understands " aspie" :bounce:

 

[umbrellabeach]

Being sick of the crap that is humanity, I'm very alone. I don't know about lonely, though. On a normal day (at least until I get a job) I stay cooped up in my room reading or on my laptop. Sometimes we go to the store or the library, and church twice a week, and that's usually it for me. At church I'll reply to anyone who talks to me, but my conversations never last long and I definitely don't initiate them because I'm not interested in making friends.

 

[Undiagnosed]

My son lives with me but he's not 'with me' a lot and so I am alone quite a bit. I like to be alone. Once in a while I get lonlie. When I have had my ex at the house for several days and my grandbaby and mabey his Daddy (my other son) in and out I look forward to those days being over when I can spend some time at the house alone. When Everyone Leaves. Then I destress and recharge. When I can tell I'm too lonley is when I start to do things that push myself out of my 'comfort zone' , things that involve interaction with other people. I guess that's when the 'discomfort' of being lonley is worse than the 'discomfort' of steping out of my comfort zone if that makes sence. That hasn't happened in a long time, prorabley becouse my ex has been liveing at my house. But he is gone now and I may have to step out of my comfort zone if the desire for human interacction urges me to do so. Like with everything I try to pay attention to my intuition and instincts and follow what they tell me.

 

[epath13]

I'm not alone or lonely, not alone because I believe that we're never alone plus I do have a family, not lonely because, to me loneliness equals negative feeling associated with being alone, or perceiving that you are alone. I'm not exactly sure how to describe what I feel, "don't belong" would be the best way to say it. It seems that my kids are the same and it's not easy to be this way. I think the feeling of "not belonging" comes from inability to find common ground. But I've already talked about it so many times... It makes me nauseous seriously, I'm overdoing it... my concern is that my difficulties with connecting to people may prevent me from succeeding. Social skills training might be usefull... I guess eh, this sucks. I'm tired of whining I'd better go and do something useful

 

[Kuribo]

I spend the majority of my time alone, and I often feel lonely, because I want to socialise, but I'm socially anxious, and generally, I can only relate to other Autistic people.

 

[epath13]

finally decided on avatar I think I'm going to blog this one as well on my NIKOXXII blog I've just been looking at some stuff on my blog and thinking, my husband is very talented photographer, I wish he could utilize his talents a little better/ more anyway, back to the subject. I've realized something after some whining and "wining". I can't believe that I haven't truly realized it earlier. Maybe my "revelation" can be useful for some other folks as well :angelic: I've been struggling to relate. And while sinking in that struggle I've forgotten what communication is all about. Communication is experience, interests or emotions sharing (I don't include intimate relations here, it's not the subject ). It is pointless to go to a football fans club/ forum/ company and talk about your love for ... I don't know... makeup. You might find a couple of people who are suddenly share the same interest with you, but what are the chances? Or let's say, you're still in that club talking about football and then suddenly somebody says... I don't know... Jesus is the man... and you might think... what Jesus, he never existed. Both of those mismatched interested and personal views can make you feel isolated. Now, before I drag this on for too long (can I even say "drag it on? ) I'll say this:I am a peaceful person who's goal complete acceptance, who looks at things globally but at the same time in details, I can be very aggressive and impatient but my aggression doesn't originate in my convictions but caused by difficulties with impulse control, I have various interests but most of them are skin deep, my main interest is self discovery and creativity, and seeing how I can help my family and other people through self discovery and creativity. So when I go to see some folks around town, when I talk to my old friends or my family, or even here, I keep thinking; "Damn it, why nobody understands me? Why can't I relate?" But I'm looking at it all wrong. What connections am I trying to establish? Which interests, qualities, views am I trying to connect to? I haven't even thought about it. I often assume that I can't connect without even questioning: what am I connecting to? Each interest, each view, each ... value... has so many different levels. And if you connect just on one level, it is already a connection, it is communication, it is relating. So the second challenge here (after finding what the connection) is to figure out the unwritten rules of communication. For many people on Autism spectrum those are the things that cause anxiety sometimes. How do you know what to say and when, how do you know what's appropriate and what's not, how do you know how to start and finish a conversation? Maybe those questions are major contributors to increase of anxiety level. So my personal solution: practice and learn to accept my uniqueness, which means: even if periodically I say something that might seem weird to others - it's OK, even if I have nothing to say - it's OK, even if I'm a little odd - it's OK, I can smile and make jokes about it, but never apologize. Because I am who I am, I am kind, I am creative, I am optimistic ,and yes, I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Autism makes me different, and it's OK. And if somebody, who thinks they are perfect, throws a stone of judgement at me, I'll catch it and make stone castle out of it So the conclusion is: I can relate, I can connect, I can communicate, just like everybody else. :balanced:

 

[Aalo]

I have been thinking how unhealthy it in fact can be to not to feel lonely if one really is alone majority of time. As it has been reported, that people will need certain amount of positive touch per day, and sometimes not even people living normal lives can reach to that, it just left me wondering how could I.e. I ever manage to do that. I hardly touch the hand of cashier when I'm doing my grocery shoppings, in my country we never shake hands or hug anyone without really good reason. Ok, I have my pets, does that count?
Maybe I should visit a massage more often, but in a way paying for a touch would feel like going to hookers. I'm not saying that it'd be completely bad either, these just feel like last resort for someone, who doesn't have anything else. But as I know that I could get few touches normal way, they'd just get me otherwise anxious and I have no idea if that'd make any change after all.

 

[Kuribo]

I have been thinking how unhealthy it in fact can be to not to feel lonely if one really is alone majority of time. As it has been reported, that people will need certain amount of positive touch per day, and sometimes not even people living normal lives can reach to that, it just left me wondering how could I.e. I ever manage to do that. I hardly touch the hand of cashier when I'm doing my grocery shoppings, in my country we never shake hands or hug anyone without really good reason. Ok, I have my pets, does that count?
Maybe I should visit a massage more often, but in a way paying for a touch would feel like going to hookers. I'm not saying that it'd be completely bad either, these just feel like last resort for someone, who doesn't have anything else. But as I know that I could get few touches normal way, they'd just get me otherwise anxious and I have no idea if that'd make any change after all.

Interesting. I do find that physical contact makes me slightly happier for a short amount of time, although it depends greatly upon who the person is. If I am touched by someone I dislike, I feel violated and angry.

I suppose, for people who struggle with social interaction, contact with pets can compensate for the lack of any "necessary" contact with humans.

 

[Lector Tiberius]

One thing that I've noticed is : it seems like people in public sometimes pick up on the fact that I'd rather not be social so that is their cue to trap me in a converstaion. I'm not sure why this is. I really try and send my body language out as "non agressive but I don't want to engage in conversation " ..I don't mind being social sometimes but it takes time and it has to be on "my terms".

 

[nowwhat]

Very, very much so. I am middle-aged, and therefore experience has robbed me of the ability to hope for a better tomorrow that I once had. I am learming to live with being alone, and getting used to it. I'm not saying that I don't have people around me, including my nuclear family, but that I am alone and isolated even when surrounded by people with whom I have erstwhile "relationships". I feel alone all the time, no matter what activity I'm engaged in, or with whom.

 

[Perry Holia Kerrith]

Here's my dilemma. I would very much like to have friends. I can't think anyone wouldn't. But friends don't seem to want me. As always, I over-analyze the situation from a third person perspective, and come to the conclusion that, rather than try to change myself to suit them, they should change themselves to suit me, because they all act like idiots.

Of course, they don't share this opinion, and I wind up having nothing better to do during lunch than talk with the staff members, who are at least willing to feign interest, if they're not actually interested.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Of course, they don't share this opinion, and I wind up having nothing better to do during lunch than talk with the staff members, who are at least willing to feign interest, if they're not actually interested.

Are you in school?

 

[Perry Holia Kerrith]

Yes. For one more year.

Just one more year...