how do you know when it's time to end it.

[korbin]

I've been dating a girl for over six months. It seems like our relationship is going no where. I feel disgruntled and I tried talking to her but she just blew my concerns off. I've tried so hard to keep this up. Everything I do goes unappreciated and I sick of going the extra mile just to be blown off. As much time as I make to help her and do what she wants to do she never makes time for me. But as soon as she wants to do something she magically has all the time she needs. I don't want to end it because she is the only person I have ever made a connection with but I can't keep being put aside till its convenient. Any advice at what I should do

 

[Cosmophylla]

It sounds like you are frustrated, resentful and feeling like you're doing all the work, as though you are in a one sided relationship. You said it yourself, that you can't keep being put aside, and that you are sick of going the extra mile for nothing.

I've been in many relationships like this and I held on and held on in the hope that my partner would eventually reciprocate, but it never worked. Unfortunately, I was afraid to be alone (I needed to be loved...a wound from childhood), so I almost never ended the relationships, even when I knew it would be best for me.

I hate to sound like a doomsayer but I honestly think you would be better off alone if your partner is causing you pain like this and isn't interested in working on it with you. It's great that you made a connection with her but it also sounds like it may be time for you both to move on.

Have you tried writing your feelings down for her? Sometimes it's easier for someone to "hear" their partner's concerns this way.

 

[garnetflower13]

Maybe you could think of her as practice for being in a better relationship! Not to sound heartless, but if she is consistently unable to meet your needs, and you are always relied upon to meet hers, this is an uneven and frustrating situation! I was in a relationship like that, and I finally had to call it quits. I felt happier and more free without those discouraging conditions coloring my reality every single day.

Of course, as Cosmophylla said, maybe writing a letter in which you express your concerns might be an option. I had to write such a letter once, and I made a "sandwich" meaning I started with a compliment (that's the bread) then stated the problems (that's the meat) and finished with something positive (that's the other slice of bread.) This way the letter won't come across as angry or blaming. Good luck!

 

[Mia]

There are going to be different relationships throughout your life, learning from them will be an aspect of understanding people. It seems that you do understand what is going on in this one. My suggestion would be that you turn this around and become the exact opposite of who you are now, act in the same way as your girlfriend, become self-involved for awhile and see what happens. If the relationship changes, or it becomes something else, then you have an answer to whether it's good for you or not. http://www.lightshouse.org/try-someone-else.html#axzz1touyPcmJ

 

[EeyoreSyndrome]

I moved cross country with my bf because I figured I owed it to myself to try and live "an exciting life" or whatever that entails.

It was completely against my gutt instinct.

I am regretting it 9 months later. And now I have an opportunity to get my old job back / promotion. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it was brought up.

Our sex life is non-existant and that leaves me unfullfilled, and my current job has me constantly stressed out. +chef treats me like I am an incompetent child sometimes, but then complements me other times.

I took a pay cut to move here and live someone else's dream....

I need to get the courage to actually sit down and talk to him about how I feel.

I should add we've been together over a year, he was a rebound relationship after I ended a 6 1/2 year one. I should have taken much needed single-awareness time, but looked at it as an opportunity to maintain my Independence rather then moving back with my parents....

It's hard to end a relationship when your S/O is a nice, caring person and you yourself are semi-content.

But I feel I am simply existing, not living anymore.

 

[midlife aspie]

I moved cross country with my bf because I figured I owed it to myself to try and live "an exciting life" or whatever that entails.

It was completely against my gutt instinct.

I am regretting it 9 months later. And now I have an opportunity to get my old job back / promotion. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it was brought up.

Our sex life is non-existant and that leaves me unfullfilled, and my current job has me constantly stressed out. +chef treats me like I am an incompetent child sometimes, but then complements me other times.

I took a pay cut to move here and live someone else's dream....

I need to get the courage to actually sit down and talk to him about how I feel.

I should add we've been together over a year, he was a rebound relationship after I ended a 6 1/2 year one. I should have taken much needed single-awareness time, but looked at it as an opportunity to maintain my Independence rather then moving back with my parents....

It's hard to end a relationship when your S/O is a nice, caring person and you yourself are semi-content.

But I feel I am simply existing, not living anymore.

End it now. I know from experience. It will hurt you both, but it is much better for you in the long run. In this situation, it is OK to put yourself first. Twelve years and two kids into a marriage that is not meeting my needs, I wish I had done it at your stage. Empathy for my partner prevented me from going thru with it. When you have 'the talk' be sure to use 'I' and avoid 'you' as much as possible. It will help.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I took a pay cut to move here and live someone else's dream....

This is a really important statement you have made.

Relationships are all about compromise. They take hard work and negotiation, from both parties. That means both parties need to communicate their feelings openly and, even more importantly, one needs to listen to the other.

While it is good to try to make your partner happy, it is ultimately more important to make yourself happy. Of course that does not mean at the expense of your partner. But if you aren't happy, how can you make another person so?

I agree with midlife aspie. One of the reasons my first marriage failed was because I compromised too much and didn't listen to myself. I was too afraid of being alone to see that being alone would have actually made me happier.

If you have an opportunity to take back your old job, my opinion is that you should take it... This will make ending your relationship a smoother transition because you will have routine and familiarity, and a promotion will give you a strong direction forward.

 

[Judge]

I don't want to end it because she is the only person I have ever made a connection with but I can't keep being put aside till its convenient. Any advice at what I should do

Any time someone needs to discuss the disposition of their relationship with another, it strikes me as an inherently serious request. For the other to continually blow you off about it reflects only one thing. That the relationship itself is of little importance to them.

You might reconsider what it is to "make a connection" with someone. If they truly connected with you, they wouldn't treat you in such a fashion. Relationships are social investments. If they don't pay off over time, sometimes it's better to cut your losses.

 

[korbin]

It finally happened I had to end it, I could see no way of me being happy. I tried talking which was a pain because she didn't want to spend the time to do she told me text her. I'm happy I had a relationship but still a little sad I had to end it. I'm going to get all the things in my life together that I have been putting off and move on.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I wish you strength and happiness, korbin.

 

[korbin]

I wish you strength and happiness, korbin.

thank you