How do you handle coworkers complaining/gossiping?

[LookingforMe]

I personally cannot stand it as there have been moments where I’ve been guilty by association, just by being in the same room, and have been reprimanded for it. As a person with social anxiety, I struggle to stand up for myself when this happens and will either shrink or get so pissed off, I have to walk away, which never helps the situation.

Sunday while at work (I work at a hospital as a unit secretary) a nurse was complaining about her assistant for most of our 12 hour shift together. Because I’m the secretary, I cannot leave my desk and so I ignored her comments. It wasn’t like she was talking to me, it was more like she was talking to anyone walking by. The only thing I said to her about it was...well so-and-so is extremely busy as we are short-staffed...but she continued to complain all day long. She is also one that complains no matter who she is working with.

Well the next day, her assistant came to me pissed off. She was upset that I hadn’t told her the nurse was complaining about her. And the nurse also sent an email to our boss about her performance, even after telling her assistant at the end of the day she did a good job. Wtf? I really don’t understand the nurse’s behavior at all. I was dumb-founded. I understand why she would be hurt that the nurse said one thing to her face and then did the opposite behind her back. I get that. But why is she upset with me? A). If I told all of my coworkers the things that were said daily behind their backs, it would look like the World Wrestling Federation at the nurses station. B). I do NOT get involved in dramas, especially at work. They drain my soul as no matter what, no one ever seems to walk away content.

So because I did disagree with how the nurse handled the situation, I went to our boss and told her the assistant was in fact doing her job as best she could. The assistant then proceeded to rant saying she was going to have a talk with the nurse the next time she saw her and was going to “get mean” and guys, this went on the rest of the day.

By the time I got home, I felt like I could barely speak. I just wanted to cry as I blame myself a lot of times for how others behave. I wish I could stop feeling like this as it prevents me from wanting to interact with people. It is so draining that even though this happened Monday, I’m finally starting to feel like my normal self today.

Do these situations drain you to the point of utter exhaustion?
Is there anything I could have done differently?
Do you often blame yourself for other people’s behavior?

 

[Gritches]

I stay far the hell out of office politics. My usual solution is to put in earbuds as soon as I start hearing people making mouth-words, which means I have earbuds in almost all day.

That sounds less than possible in your situation, but one trick you might consider is underscoring the fact that you aren't listening to their gossip by occasionally snapping to attention and saying "what? Sorry, I wasn't listening". Sends a passive-aggressive message that you don't want to hear it, and you're wrapped up in your own work.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I have a box for this stuff.

NMB .not my business.

What are the co sequences to saying that to the nurse?

She will then start complaining about you?

The assistant. Consequences?

Ie I ignore what the nurse is saying it's NMB

 

[LookingforMe]

I stay far the hell out of office politics. My usual solution is to put in earbuds as soon as I start hearing people making mouth-words, which means I have earbuds in almost all day.

That sounds less than possible in your situation, but one trick you might consider is underscoring the fact that you aren't listening to their gossip by occasionally snapping to attention and saying "what? Sorry, I wasn't listening". Sends a passive-aggressive message that you don't want to hear it, and you're wrapped up in your own work.

Ah yes earbuds would be heaven if allowed, but your comment about occasionally snapping to attention did give me an idea to keep some reading material in front of me and then I could look as if I’m zoned out.

 

[LookingforMe]

I have a box for this stuff.

NMB .not my business.

What are the co sequences to saying that to the nurse?

She will then start complaining about you?

The assistant. Consequences?

Ie I ignore what the nurse is saying it's NMB

I could not agree with you more. As a matter of fact, NMB is my motto.
I know the assistant was upset, and rightfully so, but she took her frustration out on me, at least that’s what it felt like. When I went to our boss and stood up for her, she didn’t care at all, not a thank you or anything. And now I’m questioning my actions. I can only use NMB when I’m not involved in a situation. Arg, I just don’t understand the rift between these two people and maybe I should just let it go.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Arg, I just don’t understand the rift between these two people and maybe I should just let it go.

It's not your situation. The assistant is trying to put it on you.
If the boss asks you - answer.
If not NMB

If you say the words to the people , NMB.
I can't get involved in that
Find somewhere else to share your problems.

Think of a few sentences to rehearse maybe.

If the boss asks me I'll tell him.
It's not my job to go to the boss on your behalf.

all examples to use.

Also try doing this ::

People may keep more distance

 

[LookingforMe]

It's not your situation. The assistant is trying to put it on you.
If the boss asks you - answer.
If not NMB

If you say the words to the people , NMB.
I can't get involved in that
Find somewhere else to share your problems.

Think of a few sentences to rehearse maybe.

If the boss asks me I'll tell him.
It's not my job to go to the boss on your behalf.

all examples to use.

Also try doing this ::

View attachment 44826

People may keep more distance

That is some good advice. And thank you for making me laugh; needed that, too.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I've found that if you don't engage in gossip or office politics you're usually the last to find out something but who cares? Much better to stay out of things. Also, people tend to learn you're not going to gossip so eventually stop trying to involve you. So encourage you to start giving the message that it's NMB as Fridge suggests and the idea of keeping reading material in front of you when you can't wear earbuds is a good one.

 

[OlLiE]

i usually have my headphones in, so ignoring these people is never a problem
i'm also not very approachable, i have a 'stay away' look that tends to be quite efficient

 

[LookingforMe]

I've found that if you don't engage in gossip or office politics you're usually the last to find out something but who cares? Much better to stay out of things. Also, people tend to learn you're not going to gossip so eventually stop trying to involve you. So encourage you to start giving the message that it's NMB as Fridge suggests and the idea of keeping reading material in front of you when you can't wear earbuds is a good one.

Oh no I definitely don’t engage, nor care about typical office gossip. I usually feel so overloaded mentally just from driving to work that my brain isn’t capable of processing social dilemmas until later on. And that’s when all the self-doubt arises, too. Sometimes I make things bigger in my head than they actually are and this may have been one of those times. I guess I’ll find out next week but I’ll be prepared.

 

[Mr Allen]

There was a guy at the Charity shop I used to work in, he'd regularly pass snide comments about my weight and other issues, I tolerated him for nearly 3 years before he went too far and called a "deaf C word", by rights I should've reported him for committing a "hate crime" against a disabled adult, but my Dad told me not to "rock the boat" at work by doing so.... And then one Saturday afternoon I called in work, he was on the till, looked me in the face and said "What tha' doin' ere?", so I proceeded to let over 2 years of rage against this guy boil over and let him have it verbally!

Obviously I lost my job as a result, thank you very much for your support Gemma!

 

[Bella Pines]

I would have done exactly as you did and not get involved.

However, I would have done something slightly different. When the assistant offloaded onto you, you took it at face value.

But that doesn't make sense right?

You weren't the one dissing her, why is she angry at you?

The answer is, she is not. She is generally hurt, emotional and probably a little bit unstable What she is really doing is projecting onto you. So I would have answered her real question, not her fuzzy clueless emotional question. I would have said to her "I think the nurse was being unfair, I think you do a great job and would you like me to speak to the manager on your behalf?".

I would also have made it clear that this was a favor and if I did this she would be indebted to me. Hey presto.

 

[LookingforMe]

There was a guy at the Charity shop I used to work in, he'd regularly pass snide comments about my weight and other issues, I tolerated him for nearly 3 years before he went too far and called a "deaf C word", by rights I should've reported him for committing a "hate crime" against a disabled adult, but my Dad told me not to "rock the boat" at work by doing so.... And then one Saturday afternoon I called in work, he was on the till, looked me in the face and said "What tha' doin' ere?", so I proceeded to let over 2 years of rage against this guy boil over and let him have it verbally!

Obviously I lost my job as a result, thank you very much for your support Gemma!

Wow, it sounds like the guy was a real jerk, Mr Allen, and so deserved a good tongue lashing.

 

[LookingforMe]

I would have done exactly as you did and not get involved.

However, I would have done something slightly different. When the assistant offloaded onto you, you took it at face value.

But that doesn't make sense right?

You weren't the one dissing her, why is she angry at you?

The answer is, she is not. She is generally hurt, emotional and probably a little bit unstable What she is really doing is projecting onto you. So I would have answered her real question, not her fuzzy clueless emotional question. I would have said to her "I think the nurse was being unfair, I think you do a great job and would you like me to speak to the manager on your behalf?".

I would also have made it clear that this was a favor and if I did this she would be indebted to me. Hey presto.

Thank you, Bella Pines. This helps a lot. Although I did say these things, I most likely was not clear enough, and the assistant was so upset she wasn’t hearing any of my words.

When conflict arises, I feel as though I go into a sort of panic/shock and then I cannot verbalize my thoughts. Its usually later on that I can decipher what happened, but later is sometimes too late. And this is the most frustrating story of my life.

I have stopped blaming myself in this matter though because of the advice given here and ahhhh I can finally sleep.

 

[tducey]

I've dealt with it. My best advice would be to stay out of it as much as possible.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

I personally cannot stand it as there have been moments where I’ve been guilty by association, just by being in the same room, and have been reprimanded for it. As a person with social anxiety, I struggle to stand up for myself when this happens and will either shrink or get so pissed off, I have to walk away, which never helps the situation.

Sunday while at work (I work at a hospital as a unit secretary) a nurse was complaining about her assistant for most of our 12 hour shift together. Because I’m the secretary, I cannot leave my desk and so I ignored her comments. It wasn’t like she was talking to me, it was more like she was talking to anyone walking by. The only thing I said to her about it was...well so-and-so is extremely busy as we are short-staffed...but she continued to complain all day long. She is also one that complains no matter who she is working with.

Well the next day, her assistant came to me pissed off. She was upset that I hadn’t told her the nurse was complaining about her. And the nurse also sent an email to our boss about her performance, even after telling her assistant at the end of the day she did a good job. Wtf? I really don’t understand the nurse’s behavior at all. I was dumb-founded. I understand why she would be hurt that the nurse said one thing to her face and then did the opposite behind her back. I get that. But why is she upset with me? A). If I told all of my coworkers the things that were said daily behind their backs, it would look like the World Wrestling Federation at the nurses station. B). I do NOT get involved in dramas, especially at work. They drain my soul as no matter what, no one ever seems to walk away content.

So because I did disagree with how the nurse handled the situation, I went to our boss and told her the assistant was in fact doing her job as best she could. The assistant then proceeded to rant saying she was going to have a talk with the nurse the next time she saw her and was going to “get mean” and guys, this went on the rest of the day.

By the time I got home, I felt like I could barely speak. I just wanted to cry as I blame myself a lot of times for how others behave. I wish I could stop feeling like this as it prevents me from wanting to interact with people. It is so draining that even though this happened Monday, I’m finally starting to feel like my normal self today.

Do these situations drain you to the point of utter exhaustion?
Is there anything I could have done differently?
Do you often blame yourself for other people’s behavior?

I've been in similar positions myself and I feel for you. I'm a HGV Driver and it's similar when I go into work in the mornings with the other drivers and warehouse lads all bitching about each other.
I tend to get in half an hour early to avoid them and get out on the road ASAP

 

[Progster]

I agree with others who say that it is best not to get involved, and if someone tries to involve you, just say that it is not your business or that you don't want to involve yourself.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

I agree with others who say that it is best not to get involved, and if someone tries to involve you, just say that it is not your business or that you don't want to involve yourself.

I'll tell you what though, blokes are bigger bitches than women!

 

[Progster]

I'll tell you what though, blokes are bigger bitches than women!

Yes, there seems to be a kind of myth that gossiping is an activity that only women engage in - not so!

 

[Tom]