how do you deal with your own meltdown whilst parenting?

[taruga]

Im asking for words of help.
I let myself become a mother even though I didn't want to. Mainly because of my own lack of communication when there was a fine time line to abort mission.

Either way im suffering a depression caused from lifecrisis mental and life breakdown which resulted in me having a child .

All this continues in my head whilst im trying to raise my child as a single mum.

My question of help is how do you deal with your emotions and meltdowns whilst caring for your child?
This week I've had two complete utter meltdowns from being overloaded overwhelmed and cracked open by the temper tantrums of my screaming child. Ive regrettably shouted at my child this twice this week and wanted to push her away from me when ive found it over bearing. I'm finding it harder to controll as she launches at me when in tantrum mode herself .

My instant reaction is to run away from it but I cant run from my daughter. Can anyone give me any tips ? I realise this isn't the greatest of subjects but I'm really struggling in calming myself around her. Any help would be appreciated thankyou.

 

[OkRad]

How old is your child? Are you dxed w autism? Is she? It may help to be VERY clear with her that you love her dearly byt thete us something that does not always work right in you. I dont think autism is a disease but you can tell her there may be parts if yr brain that dont work right. ANYTHING so she does not think it is her. Do u gave family near to help??

 

[taruga]

my daughter is only 23 months old !!!! im awaiting to see the assessment people . Even thats a bit of a confusing story. my health visitor and mental health health visitor has asked me to get tested. Ive been bouncing around mental health services for a while.

 

[OkRad]

my daughter is only 23 months old !!!! im awaiting to see the assessment people . Even thats a bit of a confusing story. my health visitor and mental health health visitor has asked me to get tested. Ive been bouncing around mental health services for a while.

Be very very careful about getting your own dx. If you are a single mom, you will be watched. It is no longer about you. It is about your daughter. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS!! She needs you and will love you forever, no matter what, . But you have to think very logical and safely now.... Do you have support??

 

[taruga]

Im very much familiar that it is about her its why im asking for help. I have support from my docs n health visitors and a few friends . My family live quite a distance away but my parents wouldnt be much help regardless. I do talk to my sister but its limited as we are from diff planets. My daughter is starting nursery to give me some restbite as my daughters dad is useless and unreliable which really messes me trying to set structure to my life. My health visitors are wonderful!!! They really do help, it is them who have helped me sort nursery . Im hoping I will get more grip over things with nursery starting .. also going to try some cbt too for the melting moments . . But I really am asking for actions of help here. My health visitors n docs think im a wonderful mum but I question myself and have low opinion on this.

 

[OkRad]

Im very much familiar that it is about her its why im asking for help. I have support from my docs n health visitors and a few friends . My family live quite a distance away but my parents wouldnt be much help regardless. I do talk to my sister but its limited as we are from diff planets. My daughter is starting nursery to give me some restbite as my daughters dad is useless and unreliable which really messes me trying to set structure to my life. My health visitors are wonderful!!! They really do help, it is them who have helped me sort nursery . Im hoping I will get more grip over things with nursery starting .. also going to try some cbt too for the melting moments . . But I really am asking for actions of help here. My health visitors n docs think im a wonderful mum but I question myself and have low opinion on this.

Please dont think i was insulting you in any way! I know you are a great mom or you would not even be asking.

When you melt down always always go and make it right asap. Always let her know you are ok and love her. The two of you will make it. She will remember the good stuff more than the meltdowns. Kids know. They just know.

 

[Ambi]

I don't think this can significantly help, but when kids are being disruptive and really upset and it is really bothering me, I try to remember that they are just outwardly expressing what I myself inwardly feel sometimes. Is there a research university near you? I used to work at one, and there were people interested in doing interventions to help the mother-child bond and issues like this - if there is a major research institution near you you might be able to ask for expert advice on something like this for an ASD single mom. I'm sorry, that must be so completely overwhelming! I am hoping others here who are ASD parents can help you out.

 

[Sabrina]

A few times, when my kids were little, I locked myself inside a bedroom or bathroom for a while (leaving the kid outside of the bathroom or bedroom). Of course, your house has to be baby proof to do that, and always verify that you don't have anything on in the kitchen, and that the door to go outside of the house is locked.

It will not always be this way. Things will get better because your child will get older and her tantrums will diminish. Hang in there, that period is very tough . Usually after their birthday number three, they start behaving better.

 

[Gracey]

I'm really pleased your health visitors are wonderful. Mine was awful (25 yrs ago) very old and very strict.
I don't have any professional diagnosis for ASD.

I don't know if any of the following will help or hinder but I looked at my child's outburst logically.

A process of elimination to suggest why it may have happened. Age and stage of development, what preceded it? were they over stimulated? Would it help to calm them or just ride it out (ensuring their safety at all times)

I think logic and observation removed any emotion or reaction to a situation and gave me answers to what I was seeing.

If I was satisfied they weren't in danger or there wasn't a medical cause (illness) I'd let the storm pass and was always, always, always there afterwards with hugs ... If they didn't want hugs ... It was some form of closeness and softly spoken, calm voice.

What they'd just experienced was quite possibly terrifying for them if they were at an age whereby they couldn't reason or understand the intensity of what they'd just been through. Like I've mentioned, it was never about me but always about them, trying to look at the situation through their eyes.

I wasn't impressed with my own upbringing so for my own children I researched child psychology and took a course in that in addition to a course in childcare and development. I felt that biology and instinct only covered the very early stages of a child's life so I needed and found more knowledge.

I was with my children 24/7 and knew them better than anyone alive. I observed them a lot and could spot links and patterns in their behaviour.
I could sometimes feel overwhelmed when all three required different things at the same time. Again, I went at it methodically and logically, prioritising or finding a solution to suit all four of us. Usually an activity that involved all of us.

It was never easy. I always had to stay one step ahead, observe, adapt, try to anticipate and be ready for possible situations, I didn't always get it right either. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had to date. Wherever I felt I was lacking or didn't understand something, I researched and equipped myself with the information I needed.

 

[Full Steam]

I'm a dad of three, now 6, 4 and 2.

I know what you're going through, my wife and I work from home so share the kids.

I find the first 2 years very tough, mostly due to shutdowns from the crying and screaming.

Get some headphones and use them whenever you need to.

As Sabrina said, self isolate when you have to as long as your child is safe. I've got them all in the car and shut the door and stayed outside until the screaming died down a bit, or I recovered (obviously don't leave them in the car anyone!).

Try to get enough sleep - it's hard I know, but the rolling exhaustion is a killer.

You need to look after yourself to be able to be the best mum you can be. Care for yourself and play the long game - raise an awesome adult who's going to be your best friend for years to come.

I honestly think that aspies make awesome parents, you just have to figure out your way a bit as the standard advice doesn't work well for us.

My wife and I do "attachment parenting" - worth a Google.

 

[Keigan]

I'm not a parent and I've never been through your situation - I've very glad that you have reached out and that some parents have some support to offer you.

 

[taruga]

I am getting better at dealing with her tantrums but I feel guilty if I shut my self in the kitchen. I made my livingroom a todderler safe heaven for that reason. I feel guilty if I ignor her tantrum , I read obsessively about childrens development but even that I find hard as I dont feel the way many other parents do about their children. So theres alot of blarbblar on websites. I couldn't do a course or dven want to do a course in child development. If I had that kind o time to myself im sure it would not be as bad.

I will google the attachment thing , I have read a little in that direction.

I struggle wiyh the point of anything since I had her. I dont like being a mum as it is. Like you say its about her and so my life is over . I know it would be incredibly damaging in all ways to her and probably to me if I could get rid , but at the same time I get suicidal and anti depressants react badly to me. Physically and mentally.

The reason my health visitor s have asked for a dx is so I can get help that is relevant.

 

[taruga]

I was more looking for the things you do when it happens . I do shut myself away at times but sometimes its happened in public and then its the worst because I have no where to hide. I walk alot I try to loom after myself but how can I if its about my daughter . I dont have enough money to consider both of us. I sleep fine once I get there but without something to help me im awake to around midnight most nights , later depending on how much is rolling around my head . Her birthday is in september and its always a hard month for me anyway so its been worse lately.

 

[Bella Pines]

My health visitors n docs think im a wonderful mum but I question myself and have low opinion on this.

This is easy to do, with social media, news and tv constantly setting standards and saying what you should and shouldn't do, it's natural to compare. But really, it's impossible to compare. Children are so different, families are so different, circumstances are so different. The fact that you are trying to understand yourself and asking around for advice is more than enough. You are clearly a wonderful mum, so stop thinking about this and concentrate on the problems that you are facing.

It will not always be this way. Things will get better because your child will get older and her tantrums will diminish.

This is very true, everything is a phase. From their not sleeping, to not eating, to tantrums, each is a phase that will pass. You may not solve every problem, but you can apply a set of tricks to survive it. When they get to around 3-5 they settle down and after 6 they really start to communicate, it gets easier each year.

When you melt down always always go and make it right asap

Yes, you will meltdown or shutdown, but as you grow, you may well start to recognise the triggers and see it coming. You may even be able to take the sting off. I actually had a meltdown this weekend, I was alone with my boys and they had been bickering ALL WEEKEND. I knew I was getting overloaded, I took myself away, read my book with my big headphones on, but still they came! They lift up my headphones to snitch on each other and I eventually snapped. I screamed at them, told them to "sort it out", then stomped off upstairs leaving crying children in my wake, it was awful. But it was familiar. I did some yoga and breathing in my bedroom and it only took 10 minutes to come back down, we had a big family cuddle and cried together, then booted up the playstation and spent the afternoon killing zombies.

It's part of our life now and it gets easier each passing year. The boys accept it and know that even though I have issues, I love them dearly.

I was with my children 24/7 and knew them better than anyone alive. I observed them a lot and could spot links and patterns in their behaviour. I could sometimes feel overwhelmed when all three required different things at the same time. Again, I went at it methodically and logically, prioritising or finding a solution to suit all four of us. Usually an activity that involved all of us

This is brilliant, and so very true. I have issues. They have my genes, they are not that far on the spectrum as such, but they still have some of my traits. My eldest has trouble making friends, my youngest is very curious. By putting aside my "am I a good mum" issues, by accepting and managing my meltdowns, I can come out of my head long enough to really focus on my children.

They have issues! And so trying to take myself out of the situation, watch their behaviour instead of getting involved in it, helps me to help them. I can say to my youngest, "you are angry now, do you remember how we talking about anger?". For under 2s, they may not be able to understand this yet, but it's never to early to start.

Get some headphones and use them whenever you need to.

Big ones. When you drop them off at nursery, go to a quiet place, with trees, or take up yoga. When you are with them, practice breathing, create mantras that you can recite in your head. Even simple ones like "I can do this", "I can get through today". And when the child reaches the golden age of 4, you will be glad you made it through...!

 

[Full Steam]

0 to 2 is a living nightmare.
2 - 4 is hard but rewarding
4 onwards is just great.

Most bad mums just don't care. You care deeply, and if you just keep going you'll find a way to make it work, and emerge stronger, with a family.

 

[Gracey]

0 to 2 is a living nightmare.
2 - 4 is hard but rewarding
4 onwards is just great.

Most bad mums just don't care. You care deeply, and if you just keep going you'll find a way to make it work, and emerge stronger, with a family.

I thought 2 - 4 was thee most amazing time, yes okay, they may have gotten a little overwhelmed at times but being privileged to witness their greater interaction with what was their world.
You could almost see the cogs turning in their minds. Their curiosity was incredible. I could actually watch them thinking, puzzling something out, delighted with themselves when they discovered how something fits or moves or how they themselves could make something happen through a repeated pattern of actions.

Definitely hard work but I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Incredible time.

 

[Sabrina]

0 to 2 is a living nightmare.
2 - 4 is hard but rewarding
4 onwards is just great.

Most bad mums just don't care. You care deeply, and if you just keep going you'll find a way to make it work, and emerge stronger, with a family.

I always commented that parenting was a job where you got the toughest part first (unlike regular jobs) and then, little by little, it became easier and better.

I got a lot of puzzled looks when I said that. I'm glad someone agrees with me.

 

[OkRad]

This is easy to do, with social media, news and tv constantly setting standards and saying what you should and shouldn't do, it's natural to compare. But really, it's impossible to compare. Children are so different, families are so different, circumstances are so different. The fact that you are trying to understand yourself and asking around for advice is more than enough. You are clearly a wonderful mum, so stop thinking about this and concentrate on the problems that you are facing.



This is very true, everything is a phase. From their not sleeping, to not eating, to tantrums, each is a phase that will pass. You may not solve every problem, but you can apply a set of tricks to survive it. When they get to around 3-5 they settle down and after 6 they really start to communicate, it gets easier each year.




Yes, you will meltdown or shutdown, but as you grow, you may well start to recognise the triggers and see it coming. You may even be able to take the sting off. I actually had a meltdown this weekend, I was alone with my boys and they had been bickering ALL WEEKEND. I knew I was getting overloaded, I took myself away, read my book with my big headphones on, but still they came! They lift up my headphones to snitch on each other and I eventually snapped. I screamed at them, told them to "sort it out", then stomped off upstairs leaving crying children in my wake, it was awful. But it was familiar. I did some yoga and breathing in my bedroom and it only took 10 minutes to come back down, we had a big family cuddle and cried together, then booted up the playstation and spent the afternoon killing zombies.

It's part of our life now and it gets easier each passing year. The boys accept it and know that even though I have issues, I love them dearly.




This is brilliant, and so very true. I have issues. They have my genes, they are not that far on the spectrum as such, but they still have some of my traits. My eldest has trouble making friends, my youngest is very curious. By putting aside my "am I a good mum" issues, by accepting and managing my meltdowns, I can come out of my head long enough to really focus on my children.

They have issues! And so trying to take myself out of the situation, watch their behaviour instead of getting involved in it, helps me to help them. I can say to my youngest, "you are angry now, do you remember how we talking about anger?". For under 2s, they may not be able to understand this yet, but it's never to early to start.




Big ones. When you drop them off at nursery, go to a quiet place, with trees, or take up yoga. When you are with them, practice breathing, create mantras that you can recite in your head. Even simple ones like "I can do this", "I can get through today". And when the child reaches the golden age of 4, you will be glad you made it through...!

This post brought tears to my eyes, the way you described how intense and then how you all came together and played. There is so much love and understanding in your home! They are gonna be a ok!

How old are your boys?

 

[taruga]

Wow thankyou for the replies. I believe they will be helpful. And thankyou for being honest. Drives me crazy how dishonest people are about having children.

It feels like you understand where im coming from.

And yes I totally feel like every part of it is one big chore that never ends and I just want to go home from work. I hear alot of people telling me it gets better but apart of me just thinks you get used to the **** . But also I dont enjoy being around my daughter feel like im faking the whole thing which doesn't sit well with me . I hate lies n im a **** lier.

I obess over food , play , time , clothes and just about all the things thats involved . It exhausts my mind . Then add a touch of walking out in life and arrgh

I tried getting help on a site once before but it made it worse as they jumped down my throat for the way I feel rather than give me tips how to. Thankyou so much I will try the earphones . . Ive been joking about the idea for a while . Ive been missing my music like a mofo but I was worried I wouldnt be communicating enough with my child n id do something wrong. . Im very clumsy and can get lost in the music .

I find meditation , mantras and all things similar so hard these days as I find just living unbearable alot of the time. I wasn't this negative before but I had a huge issue with a tutor from uni which led to anxiety in an practical exam which led to me failing a qualification then loosing my job. And being told a whole new two years of leaping through wholes to get bk where I was. which then losty job n got stupidly pregnant. thats the short version. as a result my life is in tatters n I dont want to live it. being a mum was one of my worst nightmares

 

[Full Steam]

I felt like a Bad Dad when ifirst started using head phones, mostly while carrying a screaming baby.

It helped so much though, that I get them on for all long crying periods. I also coverr my ears a lot, which can help, although not always possible.

My 6 year old who also has sensory issues has come and covered my ears with her hands when things have been loud before - how cute is that?

I also watch comedy or funny videos while getting them to sleep. You have to keep your spirits up, and laughing is the best way for me.

Meditation and all the rest will work, but if youre in bad place you need to climb out first. Sort out your worst problems and you'll feel better, then try meditation and all the rest.

It's hard for an NT couple to do what you are doing, so don't feel bad, since youre doing it alone, and your neuro-diverse.

Stay strong.