How do you confront an Aspie?

[Jane Smith]

I feel like I've been making a lot of threads on here lately. Hahaha. I just have so many questions!

After being on this site for a while, I have learned a lot about my Aspie friend. A lot of his habits and personality makes sense to me now! However, lately, hanging out with my Aspie friend has been difficult. Every time I am around him, I get a very strange, uncomfortable feeling in my gut. Something just doesn't seem right.

I haven't been able to describe this discomfort, but the discomfort keeps growing and growing. It's gotten to the point to where I don't even want to hang out with my Aspie friend anymore, and that's very sad! He's one of the best human beings I have ever met. I don't want to lose him.

My sister gave me this article, and it described my feeling exactly. I couldn't put it in better words:

479: Aspie to Aspie: Relationships

I am not Aspie, but I am a victim of intense trauma. Because of neglect from a young age, I have communication issues. For the past 10 years I've been in therapy to fix it.

I feel like when Jim met me there was A LOT of excitement, especially from him. He was talking to me everyday, he would read all my tweets, watch all my videos (I am a youtuber), e-mail me every time he had a chance, etc. He was SO excited someone falls "saw" and accepted him for the way he was.

At first these boundaries felt consistent. Jim was good at masking and didn't like showing signs of being Aspie. However, over the year, his boundaries started to shift. Then I realized his boundaries were actually quite rigid. Far more rigid than he gave me the impression of. These boundaries are important, and if the boundaries aren't respected he burns out, and overwhelmed.

it feels like Jim (and even I) were SO EAGER to be friends a lot of these things were ignored. Boundaries got blurred, and I feel like I over stepped several times. When I ask him about this he doesn't communicate.

I feel like I need to sit down and just confront him on these feelings, but I have NO IDEA where to start. How do I bring it up? Do I talk to him in person? Over e-mail? Text? What do I say? How do I not overwhelm him? What if he shuts down?

I would just say what I said here, but again he gets overwhelmed and shuts down very very easily.

How do you deal with confrontation? How do you confront others?

 

[Dwoops]

I am only one voice, but if I were ever in a similar situation I would love it if the other person could just be direct. I hate all the dancing around in conversation that goes on. I would probably just say, "Hey I want to have a serious conversation and talk things through with you, would talking in person, over text, or some other method work best?" From there I would want to just confront the problems, bring them up one at a time and discuss them until both people get on the same page.
While this is what I would like to do, I never do it. I haven't met another person who actually would be able to have a direct conversation like this. I highly suggest waiting for other responses as I am just one person and my way does not work well for most people.
Also having conversations via text is a great way to have hard conversations if both people want to have it via text. While texting you have plenty of time to think of your responses and you don't have to worry about the awkwardness of having a blunt conversation (if it exists).

 

[ksheehan88]

Being direct is a must.

With regards to communicating via f2f, text, email etc... That's tricky. I prefer to do it via text as I have more time to put what I want to say in words, you aren't on the spot so much. Having said that, there is difficulty in knowing how that person is reacting in the moment - with what grasp I DO have with regards to facial expression and knowing in someones tone of voice what the are feeling, I like to know what I'm dealing with - text creates a barrier there.

Perhaps its worth asking him how he would prefer to communicate with this? Maybe start with whatever platform he uses the most? I hope you work something out.

 

[Streetwise]

The problem is I am not Male and I am not him,female HFA is different from Male HFA.
common to both is a liking of routine and a serious discussion is not routine , have you ever noticed what he responds to best what form of communication,he probably won't ever like that kind of discussion.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Yes, best to ask him which method he prefers. If he prefers you to tell him to his face, do so in private; don't embarrass him in public. If a situation is complex, do it one step at a time, in bite-sized pieces.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I agree with everyone's input: Be direct. Tell him what you want out of the relationship and ask him what he wants.

But also, be friendly and kind. Only ask close-ended questions (questions with a limited number of responses like, yes-or-no questions) if the question or answer is not going to be judgmental. Asking open-ended questions are better - questions that have an "essay" answer. Open-ended questions require more thought to answer, especially for an aspie, so be prepared to wait for an answer.

Good luck.

 

[Full Steam]

What I think can happen;

We (I) am very sensitive to atmosphere and conversation.

Case in point; my wife is ill, and I just had a chat with her which has over loaded me. I suspect she was giving off "I'm too ill" vibes.

If it was me and you, and you started bringing in :there's something wrong with our relationship " vibes, I would 100% certain pick them up.

That would tell me there was something wrong, and I'd try to figure it out.

This can create a feedback loop. You act odd, I pick it up, and act odd, you notice and your suspicions are confirmed and you start looking harder, I feel weird talking to you now.


If that's correct, just starting to be relaxed and normal and forgetting about it all will cut the loop and normalcy will be restored.

 

[Jane Smith]

The last time I confronted him it was over e-mail and he had a COMPLETE shut down. Didn't talk to me for a week. I wasn't able to settle things properly until we met in person, but it shook him up BAD. Looking back at it, I realize I may have used triggering words that upset him. I wasn't mean or anything. I just didn't know how to approach the situation. Now that I am on the site, I understand better.

I think seeing my face calms him down, but I'll ask if text works better.

 

[OkRad]

The last time I confronted him it was over e-mail and he had a COMPLETE shut down. Didn't talk to me for a week. I wasn't able to settle things properly until we met in person, but it shook him up BAD. Looking back at it, I realize I may have used triggering words that upset him. I wasn't mean or anything. I just didn't know how to approach the situation. Now that I am on the site, I understand better.

I think seeing my face calms him down, but I'll ask if text works better.

Yes, that I somethng I have found. Confronting verbally not too good. Shut down!

Some aspies just wont no matter what. when I was being toyed with by my aspie, if I ever said, "can we talk?" He'd get mad. If I emailed, no response. It made me have that feeling in the gut you mentioned. If I did or did not talk to him, it did not matter. Yet, he would go overboard if I got a hangnail "OMGosh!! You have to get that off NOW! Let me take you!" He was obsesed with my health.

Other than that he had no consciounce and did not mind hurting me or anyone else.

 

[Jane Smith]

OkRad: HMMMMmm. That sounds rough! Sounds like you need to be treated better by better people. :/

Jim is a very very very nice person and cares a lot about my feelings. I think the biggest reason why he had a meltdown was because he thought our friendship was over. It wasn't. But he freaked out.

So i guess this time I just have to make sure he knows our relationship isn't in jeopardy. I just want to work things out.

 

[Dwoops]

Something else that might be a good idea is to make it clear that you are looking for a response. There are so many times where people text me or email me and I just never respond because there doesn't seem to be a reason to respond(I'm working on getting better). I later find out that they were looking for a response. (This happens with my mom all the time and she doe the mom thing and freaks out thinking something is wrong.)

 

[SusanLR]

From knowing how I react to anyone wanting to understand me or ask questions, it can be rough.
So much energy is put into not letting others see the
real me and wanting them to see what I think they will like that there will always be the Aspie part of me I don't want others to see and if I think they do by asking
questions about my actions, reactions, the deep personal me, well, then I start feeling an annoying "Just let me be."
And the shutdown comes.
Of course this leads to never really feeling relaxed and being just myself with someone. That's tiring.
That's why I feel alone in a world of people also.

Don't dig too deep is my advice.
If he starts to loosen up it will be when he feels he can.
Not when questioned.
A lot of us have spent our lives building the wall.
Friendly patience and acceptance is the only way
I start taking the bricks down.
I have a drawing I use on posts like this...
Am I taking a brick down? Or putting one up?

 

[Jane Smith]

From knowing how I react to anyone wanting to understand me or ask questions, it can be rough.
So much energy is put into not letting others see the
real me and wanting them to see what I think they will like that there will always be the Aspie part of me I don't want others to see and if I think they do by asking
questions about my actions, reactions, the deep personal me, well, then I start feeling an annoying "Just let me be."
And the shutdown comes.
Of course this leads to never really feeling relaxed and being just myself with someone. That's tiring.
That's why I feel alone in a world of people also.

Don't dig too deep is my advice.
If he starts to loosen up it will be when he feels he can.
Not when questioned.
A lot of us have spent our lives building the wall.
Friendly patience and acceptance is the only way
I start taking the bricks down.
I have a drawing I use on posts like this...
Am I taking a brick down? Or putting one up?
View attachment 42471

Hmmmm. I think this is very wise advice.

The last time I confronted him it was very careless. I think it definitely built a wall. Luckily, we worked passed it.

But, whenever I confront him now, I mostly want to talk about boundaries. I won't really ask about specific behaviors unless they come up. My main concern is his comfort and where our friendship stands.

 

[Mr Allen]

Don't pull your punches, or mince words, be direct and to the point.

 

[Jane Smith]

Update: I asked him what the best method of confrontation would be, and he said in person. Which makes me nervous, but I think we can do it. I'm talking to him this weekend.

I'll just practice what I am going to say, be direct, and don't hurt him. Wish me luck!

 

[SusanLR]

I really do wish you good luck @Jane Smith .
I tried to be as honest about how I react so maybe it
would help you understand an Aspie better and the best route of approach.
It can work.
Being direct, compassionate and nothing that sounds like you are scolding in anyway.
Trust comes hard for me.
If someone can be honest and start to open up a feeling of trust, that is the key to being comfortable with someone.
At least it is for me.

 

[Bella Pines]

My best (well only) friend has PTSD from an abusive childhood. The aspie-aspie page relationship very much describes our relationship. PTSD seems to come with walls, objectivity, a repression of empathy and tightly controlled emotions. So I think the PTSD-aspie relationship is very similar to aspie-aspie and can work very well.

On top of what was described in the weblink, I struggle with other aspies because I see my own behavior in them and some aspects are cringe worthy and seeing it makes me angry. So I would say from having read that weblink and analysed the situation, you don't need luck, you are well on top this situation and he is lucky to have you.

 

[Jane Smith]

My best (well only) friend has PTSD from an abusive childhood. The aspie-aspie page relationship very much describes our relationship. PTSD seems to come with walls, objectivity, a repression of empathy and tightly controlled emotions. So I think the PTSD-aspie relationship is very similar to aspie-aspie and can work very well.

On top of what was described in the weblink, I struggle with other aspies because I see my own behavior in them and some aspects are cringe worthy and seeing it makes me angry. So I would say from having read that weblink and analysed the situation, you don't need luck, you are well on top this situation and he is lucky to have you.

Aw! That's so nice of you to say! Thank you!

 

[tducey]

Same as anyone else. Just explain to us the situation and how you want us to remedy it.

 

[Jane Smith]

Same as anyone else. Just explain to us the situation and how you want us to remedy it.

Well with other people I can get away with some vague-ness. With Jim I have to be direct as humanly possible. He takes everything VERY literally.

I am also trying to figure out a way around a complete shutdown. The last time I confronted him, I confronted him like he wasn't Aspie. This ended very badly.