I basically went to therapy on and off from age 18 when I went to university. I learned a lot, I think my father would've had high autistic traits or Aspergers, and my mother low power narcissism, they basically argued in a continuous way throughout my childhood, so I had lots to catch up on in the development of skills apart from the autistic traits or Aspergers which I didn't know about until my 50s.
After working in care contexts for a while, I taught communication skills in care contexts in Further Ed, so l learned a lot more, and later I went on and trained in therapeutic skills and relationship counselling.
By my 50s I was able to see that certain issues were still present, my difficulties in unstructured social communication and getting overwhelmed in difficult communication situations like when someone is rude or tyrannical - seems to happen a lot at work in universities...
That was when I stumbled across autistic traits and Aspergers, doing further training working with families. Yahoo, the missing piece of the puzzle, then I could understand what was brain difference, ie most of what I was left with by then that was still a problem, and find better strategies for what needed to be worked around, and couldn't be changed or developed out of.
I had improved my attachment security levels a lot over the years. I often recommend looking into work on your attachment security, as this is a core part of functioning in a relationship and over the years I saw that this was more significant in clients I worked with than any other factor, including autistic traits once I recognised them.
I also learned listening skills and how to support others communication. The basis of this was in my childhood situation having parents who largely ignored me and my sister and continuously argued. So I already had an idea I was supposed to listen and try to help and lots of practice. This isn't so unusual for people socialised as women.
Then I did some basic counselling training, and for you as an adult, I would recommend that. A Level 1 training that you can then progress to levels 2 or 3, if you enjoy it, teaches such a lot, and most people can get on to level 1 if you smile a bit and seem friendly. It puts you in a position to learn skills and to practice with others. Have to wait a bit for that given the covid crisis, but maybe study online at first.
A lot of what trips people up in relationships is they feel insecure, and this makes them overreact to the other person and be defensive, or attack because they feel attacked, and they hurt the other persons feelings and things get worse. The basis of attachment security is in childhood and past life experiences, and it's workable on and can be developed just as much for neurodiverse people, research tells us.
But also, and alongside this, improving listening skills and abilities to discuss issues less defensively, makes a big difference. So I would say, knowing you have high autistic traits or Aspergers, knowing your current attachment style, (online tests and information about this) and gaining improved interpersonal communication skills is the 3 part key for many people to helping yourself. Ongoing therapy helps too, depending on your situation.
