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How do you comfort someone who is dealing with loss?

Misery

Misery

Amalga Heart
V.I.P Member
Okay, so, I've got a few people in my life who are dealing with very sudden loss of loved ones right now. About a week ago, a friend of mine lost his mother to a stroke, which was a couple of weeks after he lost his sister to.... something, I'm not too clear on that. So, very bad situation. Can't even imagine how he's getting by.

And then today, I find out that out of nowhere, my uncle died. Heart attack or something, the details aren't very clear yet. Now, I didn't really know him at all. It takes some effort to even remember what he looked like. My mom's entire gigantic family is so spread out over the country that I have a variety of cousins I've never even met. I'd see him at the very rare major family gathering, but of course I'm as social as a brick, so... yeah. I don't get to know people well.

But my mom and also my grandma are likely not doing so well right now, after finding out about this. Needless to say, they did know him very well, so... yeah. A very bad situation for them.

Usually, I'm the one being comforted when something bad happens, but... this time it's the other way around, and I don't really know what to do with any of this. I'd like to help, but if done wrong it'll only make things worse. Gotta approach this carefully.

Any advice at all is appreciated.
 
Do any of the methods of comfort that you have experienced
from other people seem like they'd be appropriate for you to offer?

Could you extrapolate from that?
 
l failed that course, my friend had a big loss in his life, and totally shut me out. Four years l have known him, and apparently l did the wrong things, so l am climbing into my weighted Asperger sleeping bag and napping. This is where being spectrum can screw you up, because l don't have anything to mimic so it's hard. Anyways good luck, hope this forum can help.
 
Someone who is bereaved, needs to feel that people care about him/her and if you really do care then it is a no brainer what you should do. If you do not really care about that person and are stumped what to do it shows them what you really think of them.
 
Misery said:
Okay, so, I've got a few people in my life who are dealing with very sudden loss of loved ones right now. About a week ago, a friend of mine lost his mother to a stroke, which was a couple of weeks after he lost his sister to.... something, I'm not too clear on that. So, very bad situation. Can't even imagine how he's getting by.

And then today, I find out that out of nowhere, my uncle died. Heart attack or something, the details aren't very clear yet. Now, I didn't really know him at all. It takes some effort to even remember what he looked like. My mom's entire gigantic family is so spread out over the country that I have a variety of cousins I've never even met. I'd see him at the very rare major family gathering, but of course I'm as social as a brick, so... yeah. I don't get to know people well.

But my mom and also my grandma are likely not doing so well right now, after finding out about this. Needless to say, they did know him very well, so... yeah. A very bad situation for them.

Usually, I'm the one being comforted when something bad happens, but... this time it's the other way around, and I don't really know what to do with any of this. I'd like to help, but if done wrong it'll only make things worse. Gotta approach this carefully.

Any advice at all is appreciated.
Click to expand...
I don't know how helpful this will be but Do you know about the 5 Love languages? and if so then if you know or can find out each one's Love language then that might give you an idea how best to comfort them.
 
I'm not very good at this kind of thing. I think I'd tell them that I was sorry for their loss/sorry to hear that, and ask them if there was anything I could do to help. I'm good with practical help, but not good at emotional support.
 
I don't think you can. You can only give your condolences and make sure they know you're there when they need you... and then deliver on that promise and check on them from time to time, just not too often.

There are as many ways of grieving as there are people. Some will want to talk to you/others about it. Some will want to have fun with you and forget. Some will avoid the topic like a plague or shut you out. You will have to judge by yourself what the person needs more. You most probably also won't be able to help all of them.
 
My approach would be to say something along the lines of "I can't imagine how hard this is for you but I know it must be difficult to deal with, and I want to know that if you want to talk to me, to just cuddle or spend time with someone, or need anything doing to help you, even if it's just having someone cook dinner for you or do some cleaning, then please just ask. I am here for you." Then it's up to them to decide what they want or need, if anything. Is that the right way to go about it? I have no idea. I'm a problem solver, the "there there you poor thing" type of comfort is baffling to me.

When people I love have died all I wanted was for people to stop making such a big deal about it because I wasn't upset at all. My family all had other people to comfort them :neutral:
 
No Nothing it is not the right way. A person who is deep in grief has enough to think about and probably a funeral to arrange without having to think about how so and so can help them.

Take the initiative and think about their needs. Could you bake a dish for them which will last a few days? Can you think of what they could do with practicially?

Yes it takes a bit of effort.
 
chocoholic said:
Someone who is bereaved, needs to feel that people care about him/her and if you really do care then it is a no brainer what you should do. If you do not really care about that person and are stumped what to do it shows them what you really think of them.
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Soo... Caring for someone is supposed to magically make you a mind reader?
 
If you love someone and they are in pain what do you do? You find ways to practicially help them. That's all. They feel loved by that.
 
Listening to them talking, making them a cup of tea or coffee. Asking them about the person. Ensuring that they have things they need at this time.
Their cars filled with gas, or volunteering to do an errand for them. Nothing too overtly attentive. Simply being around and listening when they want someone to talk to.

You can ask them things, should you order flowers for the ceremony for them online for example. Asking them if they want food, and ordering it for them. Little things to show that you care about them, but leaving them to their mourning unless they request your presence. Making few demands on them at this time. Giving them their space.
 
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chocoholic said:
If you love someone and they are in pain what do you do? You find ways to practicially help them. That's all. They feel loved by that.
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To a degree this is true, but you have to be capable of doing such things first.

I mean, like the idea of, say, making food. I can definitely explode things in a microwave with the best of them. Or cleaning the house... yeah, no. I always somehow manage to just make it even worse. No, I dont know how.

The only relevant skill I have is driving, but as it's currently winter here that's not even always usable. Come to think of it, the weather is supposed to get nasty again in the next day or two.
 
chocoholic said:
Misery well it's time you learnt some life skills.
Click to expand...

I don't think it's very tactful to say it at this moment. The OP is looking for ways to help their loved ones now, not after an unknown amount of time after learning additional skills. While I agree that they're useful and even necessary, sometimes it takes an undetermined amount of time to learn them depending on ones capabilities and commitment and this is something the OP doesn't really have at the moment.

@Misery , the driving may be a good starting point in practical help and you could eventually show that you care by trying to learn the mentioned skills. From others, even simple things like offering to do the shopping and bringing some take-away can do the trick depending on the situation. Outside of it, you can only offer emotional comfort, even if you feel it's not something you're good at.
 
@Misery

With a big, widespread family mum may be inundated with offers of help,
But you could still say something like,

“You know I’m here for you if you think there’s anything I can do to help, don’t you mum ?
(It’s then up to mum)

And like the above mentioned, listen.


With your friend,
You wrote something in your post,
“I can’t imagine how he’s getting by”

Say something similar ?

‘So sorry about ......
I won’t pretend to know how you’re feeling or getting by,
How are you getting by ?

Or something like that.
 
Also something I have done is I have had friends who needed someone to be there for them when they lost family, and for the record I will preface this by saying that this is strictly against the grain in some cultures but I have walked up to a friend that was in mourning and saying "I know you are going through a rough time and I cannot imagine how rough. Would you like a hug?" But this only works if you are genuinely willing to give them a hug and in this case it is not usually a quick hug. Some of these kinds of hugs have lasted several minutes in my experience. Also if you go this route be prepared to have a wet shoulder for a while.
 
All I can say is... be there for them, and make SURE they know you're there for them. Nothing you do will change the reality of their loss, but your regular support will remind them of what they do have. That they have someone they can truly lean on.

I'm not sure there's all that much else someone can do... at least not in any generally prescribed way, because everyone deals with loss differently.
 
My thoughts are in line with what JDShredds has suggested.

If you aren't the best with words, as I am not, in such situations, speaking from my own experience, simply making it known that you are there, and they are not alone, whether in words or actions, can be comforting.
 
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