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How do y'all handle death from someone close to you?

Ginseng

Christian
V.I.P Member
My mother died today and we will be going out of town to her funeral. Funerals have always been very difficult for me and many times I have gotten out of going to funerals just because all the emotion and feelings seemed to really mess with me. I wondered if this was an aspie thing or just me. I don't really like all these feelings. I am always trying to figure out why I do things or respond a certain way.
 

Jerry

Well-Known Member
I often feel relief. I feel death is merely a doorway and am actually happy when someone suffering has passed. It would be selfish of me to want them to stay and suffer. ... I had a friend once who died suddenly. I was sad because I missed her terribly (I still do), and I felt bad because she died alone. .... I suppose we all die alone, really.
 

BraidedPony

Enjoying life and glad to be alive!
V.I.P Member
I’m sorry about your mom.
I have mixed feelings about funerals, but have decided to never go to another one.
It is hard to be around so much grief, sometimes I’m grieving too and sometimes I have to try to keep a straight face. Some people are so fake it is hard not to laugh.
Funerals bring out the drama queens and kings, but it is usually women that stand where everyone can see them and they make such a big show of crying and sobbing and babbling, and these are never the close relatives either.
Everyone says only good things about the deceased to the point where I wonder if I’m at the right funeral, whomare they even talking about?
I guess my only advice would be is to only pay attention to how you are feeling and if you need to have alone time, take it. If you need a nap or a snack or a small drink, do what you need to do. Remember all the hubbub and funeral will be over in a few days and you can go home.
 

Mia

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Depends how close you were I think. If it's someone that you really cared about and were close to then it's extremely difficult to process those emotions. Still think about my Father almost daily and it's been many years since he passed away.

I've known several people, who didn't attend their own Mother's funeral's. Who couldn't handle the idea of going at all. And who grieved in their own personal way. Funeral's seem to be about the people who need to grieve. It's mostly about the living, and not so much about the person who passed away. It's also very much about closure I think. To limit the grief a person might feel.

My condolences.
 

Ginseng

Christian
V.I.P Member
I guess what I am really trying to figure out is this more difficult for aspies or the same? I think it is more difficult. I don’t see others in my family having this much difficulty with funerals and the emotions that go with them. I was not that close with my mother. But it is still difficult trying to process these feelings. I find myself wanting to run away and not deal with any of it. I keep trying to keep the feelings at bay. I just hate those feelings.
 

Pats

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Momster I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I also think it's harder for ASD. When my mom died, I immediately felt a peace that I had never felt and I always told myself it was her sharing with me what she was feeling and that helped me get through it. But it had been me and her for so many years, her last twenty years it was me and her daily (good and bad) and we did everything together. I went months not wanting to talk to anyone and then realized that I was doing the 'if I can't talk to my mom I didn't want to talk to anyone' thing. She had been living with me and was home when she died. I was hurting and that's where my focus was during the funeral and everything
My dad's death was a totally different story. I knew I wasn't going to miss him and we did not have a good relationship. I had to be at the funeral and having to deal with all the people (he was very liked by others - sooooo many others). It was all so overwhelming I ended up flipping out on my siblings. Although my aunt was also there and she later told me she was glad I had said all the things I had said because they needed to be said. But, I think because I wasn't focused on my dad's death, all the other stuff got to me more. Family is center of attention - standing in line for everyone to express their sympathy and I didn't know 80% of the people. That was a nightmare. Also, was not getting any recovery time so everything was building over those few days.
So make sure you get some time alone and whatever you need for yourself. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
 

Ginseng

Christian
V.I.P Member
make sure you get some time alone

Thank you Pats. I think all the emotions really do make it different for autistic to process. I can handle the loss. It was not like I ever really had a mother, but the feeling that go with all of this. In some ways it may be even more difficult if you did not have a good relationship with them. It is kind of like the loss of something you never had but now you can never have it. I am fine. I am just curious when things like this come up if this is because I am autistic. I really believe it is more difficult for us. I remember when my uncle died about 30 years ago. I got dressed to go to the funeral and then I just said "I am not going." I am sure my mom thought I was weird. She usually told me that. But I just couldn't go. I couldn't handle the stress. I think I will be okay at my mother's funeral though. I sure hope so. I don't want my son and granddaughter to think I am weird. I appreciate y'alls answers. Thanks.
 

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
I've never had someone close die, and the only funeral I've been to was one where I was the pianist and didn't know the people. But I have always been confused about the concept of death. It's kind of hard to explain, but there's an odd disconnect where my brain kind of wonders, "Well where are they?" I think it's the confusion they show children have about it in movies. Not that I'm legitimately confused, but there's still that nagging something there.

But I imagine that if someone close did pass away, I would feel similar to how you're describing. A kind of frustration and anger and not wanting to express anything to other people and wanting to just be alone and run away and not talk about it and ignore it then become overwhelmed about it then forget it and on and on and on and back and forth for who knows how long.

I'm sorry you're going through bad things. Hug!
 

Progster

Grown sideways to the sun
V.I.P Member
I rarely go to funerals - I would only ever go to the funeral of a very close family member. I find it too stressful, emotionally charged, stuffy. I feel numb, I don't feel grief myself, but am affected by the emotions of others. I don't want to talk to anyone; I want to deal with it in my own way in my own time.
 

SusanLR

Curiosity's Cat
V.I.P Member
I don't like the feelings at a funeral and have only been to three because they were a friend's relation and they asked for me to be there. Other than my parents.

The only funeral I actually thought I could not face going to was my mother's.
But, I did it for her because I knew she would want me there.
She wanted me to be there at the end too and I wasn't when I could have been had I not listened to
a nurse who told me to leave for a few hours so they could take care of her the night she was so sick.
Yeah, they took care of her.
I will always be angry at myself for listening to them and not staying that night.
But, this is all because like @Pats I wasn't very close with my Father who had died six years prior.
My Mom and I were like a pair that did everything together including living together all my life.
I had no other family or friends to turn too and now it has been five years and I still feel that emptiness
everyday as no one else do I feel that type of bond with.
But, then no one else knows me since birth or everything about me and frankly I don't want them to either.
Mom knew and still loved me, showed it and I gained strength from feeling loved.
Now there's no one. I get tired of just my own company or a few others that I don't feel comfortable with.
 

Mr Allen

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
My Nan died just over 2 years ago on a Wednesday in September 2016, when Mum told me I didn't accept it at first, all I said was "Are we still going Pub tonight then?", thinking my Uncle (Nan's son) would be upset.

I did cry at the Funeral though, because they played Abide with me, that song gets me every time.
 

Monachopia

...spiral out... keep going.
I'm so sorry, my condolences to you, it's a really difficult thing to go through...

We all handle these things differently and I don't think it makes too much of a difference whether we're on the spectrum or not... It all comes down to who we are in our personality and the experiences we've had in our lives. Though, maybe a case can be made in some way, that a person on the spectrum will struggle to release and display emotions in a way that could bring some relief.

I lost my mum when I was 4 and almost all my blood-relative family by the age of 25, except my dad and sister. Some deaths I suppressed and didn't seem to respond much to, but I still miss them so much. One death made me develop anorexia and massive depression because I just didn't know how to deal with the loss so 'control' of emotions and food seemed to be the only way to get through the day as everything just seemed to be spiralling out. I shut down to some degree when these things happen, maybe due to the lack of support to understand death when I was little. Everyone around me shut down and it was as if my mother didn't really exist.

My father, who I suspect is on the spectrum mildly, had to nurse my mother and my grandparents through health deteriorations and watch them pass away... and maybe to him it gave some sense of relief that they're not suffering anymore. He doesn't talk about any of them though, I can see it's painful to even mention they existed. But, he's never expressed any sadness for it in front of anyone else without prompt. The conversation gets shut down very quickly.

My NT partner has lost two close family members in his 32 years and he seems to internalise it, except on the day of the funeral where he lets his emotions go and after that he's seemingly ok again.
Another NT friend said he developed a large drug problem after his father passed away when he was 15. Luckily he got out of his addiction by mid-20s, but I guess it goes to show that whether you're an NT or ND, loss of a loved one will affect us all in different ways.

Be healthy and try to see a grief counsellor when you're ready... You don't have to go through this alone. My heart goes out to you.
 

Starfire

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Momster
I’m sorry to hear your mother died today, sadly my wife’s mother died today too. I won’t be going to the funeral, my wife will represent the grandchildren and I.
 

Ginseng

Christian
V.I.P Member
I won’t be going to the funeral

If it is not too personal can I ask why you are not going? The reason I ask is because I suspect this is an autistic thing. I do not see NT not going to funerals of close relatives.
 

DCA

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I am sorry for your loss...

My dad died on 1-26-18, so around 9 months ago. When he died I felt relieved, not sad. He was suffering. I was told too that people grieve in different ways.

On the subject of funerals, I absolutely agree those are for the living, not the dead. When my dad died I didn't want to have a viewing or a funeral. I couldn't see the point? But my uncle was a little upset about that so I acceded to what he wanted to do.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Just understand that everyone grieves differently. That there is no standard for behavior on such things no matter what some claim. That however you handle it is right for you.
 

Monachopia

...spiral out... keep going.
On funerals - in some sense it's comforting to go and say 'goodbye', but I'd only feel that way for close family. Having been told I can't go, or that the funeral already happened and I had no say in whether I wanted to go or not, it left a hole in my heart. I only went to one funeral for my family and that was for my grandfather. I am at peace with his passing, he's the only one that I don't grieve for, because I said my goodbye to him. I didn't cry there, I just made sure to support my grandmother who was understandably upset. The other members of my family that I didn't see get "put to rest", their memories still plague me and in some weird way I don't know that they're gone.

Other funerals though, for people I didn't have a close bond with, I do feel like an alien of sorts, I don't have much emotion and to see people crying around me, even though I understand they're upset, it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable... I just make sure to support the people I love dearly because I don't like to see them distressed.
 
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