How do I know how an AS man really feels about me/our relationship?

[Amanda27]

Let's see, guess I will start from the beginning...

The man I am with has AS and was diagnosed years back. We met on a dating app at the end of 2017 and met in person two months later. We originally didn't see each other all that often but typically messaged every day. As the months progressed we did start spending more time together. Then in September he moved in with me. To complicate things even more is that eventually this is going to turn into a long distance relationship because he has to move back to his home (which is part of the US at least but does require a plane to get there), even though he has been in FL for a year now.

We do sleep in the same bed, he holds me and lays near me while we sleep, and he hugs me even though I know that "touching" is not his favorite thing. We are also intimate when I initiate so no problems there. While we have gone out to eat a few times, we have never really gone out and done anything together. No movies, bowling, hiking, etc. Which I am always asking to do something together or plan a trip or let me go on his "road trips" with him but he has made comments that if people aren't on "his level" with certain things or if its not a movie he wants to see, or somewhere he wants to go then it won't be fun for him. Which I have then stated, we can do something we mutually like because I do like to some of the things he does but I think he thinks I can't do it to his level so would end up not being fun for him? Maybe his road trips are his way of "recharging" after being around me for a week or two? So he doesn't want me to go with him. He never really says but then sometimes he will say we will do some of these things but it never happens.

However, when I ask him how he feels about me or thinks about me or where he wants the relationship to go I never get a solid or straight answer. I've asked that if he just sees us as friends then that is ok, just let me know. I have let him know I view him as my man/boyfriend, with very strong feelings for him (I haven't told him I love him but I do and I try to show him with my actions) and would like this to be long-term. The response I usually get is well I live thousands of miles away, then it changed to well a relationship in FL is possible/doable because he has family here. Then there is his concern (I think mainly due to the reason other relationships have ended for him) that he is too active or independent and needs his privacy. Which I have been experiencing because he has a tendency to be home for a week or two and then gone on the road for a week or two....no particular destination just needs to be out doing his "thing/hobby" that he is currently very focused on. I can understand and respect that is who he is and it makes him happy. I don't ever get mad or feel lonely because I know he is coming back. Even though not trying to be naive and have know idea how it feels long-term. He has called me babe at least 5 times over the year. I also think sometimes he views me as not "active" enough or "boring" even though he said it is likely just him and "boring" is probably not the correct word but since I am not constantly on the go and thinks that would be a problem long term. I'm not always at home but I'm also not always on the go. Although, I have read that AS men can get bored with their partners and even with the "more active" girlfriends of his past...the relationship didn't work out so I don't understand how my activity level can be a concern for long-term. However, he never tells me he doesn't want to be with me or just wants to be friends and we are still living together but he never says that he wants to be with me or that he even considers me as his girlfriend, woman, significant other or boo thing...lol. I have also read that AS can have difficulty with labels and I know the expression of emotions are not a strength either. I find it interesting though that we have been together long enough...he knows when I am upset whether because of my facial expression or my demeanor changes. I never yell at him though, I do not like to argue.

I just don't know why he would still be with me if he didn't have feelings for me or consider me as a girlfriend or someone he sees himself with long-term. There are some of his actions that make me feel that he wants something long-term but I don't think logically he can see it because of his AS and the long-distance. I know that you can't make someone love you and if it is not meant to be then I just have to accept it and will be happy with his friendship because he is a great guy....even though I would be disappointed. I'm just unsure of where we are and how he views us because he doesn't ever say "we are just friends" but he also doesn't say "you are my girlfriend".

Any advise or insight is welcome as I am trying to figure this all out without pushing him too much for answers. I have been going with the flow but I guess my NT mind just wants to know how he really feels/thinks about us/me.

 

[Fino]

I'm actually curious to see what others say because his behavior doesn't make sense to me either.

I would never be able to handle being that unclear. I was getting anxious just reading about it. I always said exactly what I was thinking with people I dated.

I don't know anything about what you said about people with AS getting bored with their partners. I haven't looked into it at all, but I've always had the opposite thoughts, that NTs are more prone to jump from one person to the next. Everyone I dated, I wanted to stay with forever, that was why I was spending time with them. Otherwise, I wouldn't waste my precious time.

And I don't know anything about disliking lablels. Maybe recognizing the labels as arbitrary social constructs with no real meaning, set-up primarily to entrap one person with another through social obligation and mythical commitment, ultimately resulting in the final step in the life-video-game: marriage--all of which is, unbeknownst to its participants, in the name of capitalism.

But still, recognition of the label and its implications doesn't seem like it'd be a generally difficult thing to do.

He sounds shady and indecisive.
You're very tolerant! I'd have kicked him out of my life by now.

 

[BraidedPony]

Maybe he just needs a place to stay in Florida? Needs a mailing address? If he is gone half the time, does he have another girlfriend somewhere?
Don’t lend him any money.
Good luck, you sound like a nice person.

 

[Brit]

Your situation sounds quite similar to mine. I have been with someone semi long-distance for nearly 2 years without any clarity whatsoever about what I mean to this person. I suspected AS about half way through the relationship and, though he is undiagnosed, I have no doubt about that he has it. But the question is, to what extent? Thats what I always struggle with, and I suspect thats what you're struggling with too?

If I could just be assured that im not being a fool for accepting much less than most people would in a relationship, or being played I would be satisfied.

 

[Aspychata]

My feelings are if you really your time with this individual, then keep seeing them. l know my boss dated his girlfriend seven years then popped the question, and he was 74. But she may have continued dating him even if he didn't pop the question. You can't put restraints on men and have rules, or you need a different more conservative guy. l think men who think outside of society's norms are interesting. It really comes down to you, are you going to keep seeing him, are you moving on? l enjoy the quality and charismatic personality of this particular guy l see, and l am not very attracted to 99% of men.

 

[Stardust Parade]

Ask him.

 

[Aspychata]

Can you just take it one day at a time?

 

[Aspychata]

I think they are extremely guarded who they allow into their domain, you should respect this and value this or decide differently. l have grown a lot, l have matured a lot more knowing this grrat guy, and l chose to be respectful and follow his lead.

 

[Ken S.]

My personal opinion? From an aspie male that has been married over 24 years. Dump him and move on. Sounds like not only is this a long distance relationship (Which very rarely work out) it is also a one way relationship. Him being an aspie has nothing to do with it.

 

[Brit]

My personal opinion? From an aspie male that has been married over 24 years. Dump him and move on. Sounds like not only is this a long distance relationship (Which very rarely work out) it is also a one way relationship. Him being an aspie has nothing to do with it.

Do you really mean that?

 

[Ken S.]

Do you really mean that?

I wouldn't have said it otherwise.

 

[Aspychata]

no don't dump, you need to follow your heart, your gut, because you only get one perfect guy in your life time, the rest are all duds, lol

 

[Amanda27]

I'm actually curious to see what others say because his behavior doesn't make sense to me either.

I would never be able to handle being that unclear. I was getting anxious just reading about it. I always said exactly what I was thinking with people I dated.

I don't know anything about what you said about people with AS getting bored with their partners. I haven't looked into it at all, but I've always had the opposite thoughts, that NTs are more prone to jump from one person to the next. Everyone I dated, I wanted to stay with forever, that was why I was spending time with them. Otherwise, I wouldn't waste my precious time.

And I don't know anything about disliking lablels. Maybe recognizing the labels as arbitrary social constructs with no real meaning, set-up primarily to entrap one person with another through social obligation and mythical commitment, ultimately resulting in the final step in the life-video-game: marriage--all of which is, unbeknownst to its participants, in the name of capitalism.

But still, recognition of the label and its implications doesn't seem like it'd be a generally difficult thing to do.

He sounds shady and indecisive.
You're very tolerant! I'd have kicked him out of my life by now.

Thank you Fino for your response. I am a very patient person and have been trying to be very understanding. Before him I never really new much about AS and have been reading books to try and understand him better so we could build something. I don’t know why it’s so hard either to say how he feels about me. I’m not trying to put a label per se and I understand the social constructs part you speak of...that’s basically what I read. However, after being together over a year now, we live together, I don’t think I’m asking to much just to know how he feels and what he wants out of this relationship because if it’s just friends, I can accept that and not be waiting around for a life partner/relationship he doesn’t want.

 

[Amanda27]

Maybe he just needs a place to stay in Florida? Needs a mailing address? If he is gone half the time, does he have another girlfriend somewhere?
Don’t lend him any money.
Good luck, you sound like a nice person.

I don’t think he is using me because he has family and friends here he could stay with. As he stayed with a friend before moved in with me. I have wondered about the other girlfriend since he seems to visit the same cities periodically but idk I just don’t feel that’s the case. I don’t think he is the type that would cheat or have multiple women around the nation. He does send me a google maps location from time to time and pictures from the places he has been.

 

[Amanda27]

Your situation sounds quite similar to mine. I have been with someone semi long-distance for nearly 2 years without any clarity whatsoever about what I mean to this person. I suspected AS about half way through the relationship and, though he is undiagnosed, I have no doubt about that he has it. But the question is, to what extent? Thats what I always struggle with, and I suspect thats what you're struggling with too?

If I could just be assured that im not being a fool for accepting much less than most people would in a relationship, or being played I would be satisfied.

Your last sentence is exactly what I fear. Long distance doesn’t scare me away and neither does the AS, I like that he is different but I don’t want to be a fool. I also realize that long distance cannot be forever so at some point one of us has to move or we both move to a mutually agreed upon place. That takes planning though which is why I want to know if he wants the same thing I want in the relationship. I have read that the traits of AS differ from person to person and even within the same traits, the level of intensity of the trait is different.

It just seems to be a lot of mixed and unclear signals and answers to questions. That is what frustrates me.

 

[Amanda27]

My feelings are if you really your time with this individual, then keep seeing them. l know my boss dated his girlfriend seven years then popped the question, and he was 74. But she may have continued dating him even if he didn't pop the question. You can't put restraints on men and have rules, or you need a different more conservative guy. l think men who think outside of society's norms are interesting. It really comes down to you, are you going to keep seeing him, are you moving on? l enjoy the quality and charismatic personality of this particular guy l see, and l am not very attracted to 99% of men.

It’s not a matter of him marrying me, I don’t believe one has to get married to be in a committed relationship. I would be happy being his life partner.....which to me is like being married just no government paperwork behind it and no change in my name. I do not put restraints or rules on him either, he comes and goes as he pleases and sometimes I have no idea where he is for days because while he starts at one destination....he ends up in others in between. I do not complain or argue when I ask him every so often where he is or what he is doing and he gives no response. Later he will tell me stories about experiences he had and where he was. Even though through social media I know he is not giving me the whole story because I see girls post pictures with him....this has happened on 3 occasions. However 2 I know for a fact are long time friends as he has told me about them before, the other girl no clue but he never told me about any of these parts of the story. Of course he doesn’t tell me about all the guy friends he sees either I’m sure but guys just don’t post stuff as much as girls.

I love that he is different and when I am dating I typically can’t even get to the point of meeting a guy bc the phone conversation is so bad or they only want sex. His different views of the world and life are what I love about him. He is always saying about how this isn’t your practice life and you gotta get out and live.....that’s why he says he is always on he go for road trips. That and when he gets back home.

I just think for me it will be very difficult to be a life partner of someone who is not willing to go experience life with me and take trips and go out and the only time we have together is inside a house. That’s not really a relationship that’s a room mate.

 

[Amanda27]

Ask him.

I have asked him directly, how do you feel about me numerous times. How do you think about me? He has said everything from he is still single but unavailable since he is with me, he lives thousands of miles away, then it’s FL would work for a relationship bc he will be here to visit family. He said too once that he tries to envision us long term and he has a few concerns ....the fact he has to have his independence and be gone, he feels I’m “boring” even though he later came back and said I wasn’t .....he just doesn’t see that I have any passions for life ....which I find very odd because I do have hobbies and things I’m passionate about but he is never here long enough to really see them. I just want a straight, clear answer and I’m confused why he can’t give it to me.

 

[Fino]

What are your hobbies and passions, if you don't mind?

 

[Amanda27]

Can you just take it one day at a time?

Hi,

Yes, I can. I have been taking it one day at a time but it’s been nearly a year and 6 months since we first started talking so at this point I know how I feel about him and have expressed it to him. So I just want to know the same from him and I think by this time he should know if he wants to work towards a long term relationship with me bc we can’t be long distance forever once he does go back home and that’s a big life decision for either one of us to love for the other and takes planning to make it happen. I don’t feel I am being unfair with my question to him and wanting to know what he wants at this point from the relationship.

 

[Amanda27]

What are your hobbies and passions, if you don't mind?

Hiking, traveling, volunteering at domestic violence shelters, homeless shelters, animals, caring and helping those in need basically, birding, taking photos of wild life and birds (mostly), going to the gym for Zumba and Kickboxing abs Step Class, going to concerts and festivals, antique store shopping, different 5k races or fun runs, being with friends and family. I have recently started painting (at like the sips and strokes but considering taking actual lessons) and learning spanish. I’m also earning my bachelors in HR Management with a minor in Communications.

He has helped me develop my photo skills more bc that’s his big focused hobby now.