How can you tell if someone doesn't understand what you're saying?

[lisatomic]

Recently one of my negative reviews at work (in the context of an annual review) was that multiple people apparently reported that I am not very good at adjusting the "level" of what I'm talking about to suit different listeners-- that these people have had multiple experiences talking to me where they don't really understand what I'm saying, but I don't pick up on it and just keep talking as if they understand me completely.

As a side note, I mostly feel like it's their obligation to say something if they don't understand me. At this point in my life, if I don't understand someone, I'm comfortable asking them to clarify what they mean. However, I guess I will try to pick up on this better in the future (instead of just avoiding talking to these people at all...). The only problem is, I have no idea how to tell if someone isn't understanding what I'm saying.

I have learned for example to tell when someone doesn't want to talk to me anymore, by where they point their feet, and where they keep looking (e.g. if they keep looking at their computer, they want to get back to that work). I know that when people *do* understand each other, they nod or mm-hmm, etc. But I'm pretty sure they keep doing that even when they don't get what I'm saying... so I am hoping that there are "tells" that I can look for to tell when people *aren't* understanding something.

Any ideas?

 

[BraidedPony]

I completely agree with your second paragraph. They need to ask you to clarify, or talk slower or louder or whatever. You aren’t a mind reader for goodness sake.
If someone squints and tilts their head to the side maybe? That’s kind of what my dog does! Lol
That was a stupid review, I think he should rewrite it to adjust the level of what he’s talking about to suit you, the listener.
How about stopping at some intervals and ask the listener if they understand? That puts the ball in their court.

 

[lisatomic]

If someone squints and tilts their head to the side maybe? That’s kind of what my dog does! Lol
That was a stupid review, I think he should rewrite it to adjust the level of what he’s talking about to suit you, the listener.

Haha, yes! I will look for this dog-like behavior! And nice pickup on the irony factor

 

[Fino]

I'm a teacher, so of course I've had this problem! And at first, I did the same thing! And almost everyone--maybe more frequent because they're children and teenagers--nodded along or didn't say anything then turned out to be clueless.

One thing I do to prevent it is that I over-explain a concept that I've noticed is difficult for people, reexplaining again and again in different ways.

Another is what BraidedPony said about asking if they understand.

You can also ask questions that they could only answer if they did understand.

Anything to have a break in your talking to have them think and talk is helpful, because the longer you talk without pause, the more likely they'll start to tune you out.

And I know it sounds condescending, but it might be a good a idea to avoid uncommon words that might throw people off. Keeping a relatively simple vocabulary helps communication with most people in most situations, I think.

I do the dog-head-tilt thing! LOL I usually don't notice it unless people laugh about it.

 

[Autistamatic]

I've had this and have adopted similar tactics as @Fino , pausing looking closely for signals like rolling eyes, fidgeting, sighing, any signifiers of boredom, and saying things like "Do you catch my drift" or asking them the odd question "You know when you....?".
Do you have a formal diagnosis? If so are your employer's aware of it? If that should be the case then if you are in the UK or Europe you are covered by an employer's legal duty to put in place "reasonable adjustments" for your ASD. In which case then as well as making you aware of the comments they should be educating your colleagues accordingly too.

 

[LunaAurum]

Even though it'd be great if they could venture this themselves, it might be simpler for you to not even try to read minds and point-blank ask them if they've understood or if they'd like you to re-explain in a different way.

Many people are too shy to tell someone that they didn't get what they said or ask them to repeat. It's common habit to politely nod and walk away even though they didn't get it; either because they feel awkward or rude to ask you to repeat or they just want it over with. I find it much simpler and quicker to take the initiative and leave nothing to guesswork or the misunderstandings never end and keep adding up. It's even more exhausting that way.

 

[tree]

Maybe try:

Preview
Present
Review

The way an instructor explained it to us in class was:
Tell'em what you're going to tell'em.
Tell'em.
Tell'em what you told them.

And include asking 'them' to say back what it is you've just conveyed,
to check whether, and to what degree, that was understandable.

 

[Bolletje]

Maybe try:

Preview
Present
Review

The way an instructor explained it to us in class was:
Tell'em what you're going to tell'em.
Tell'em.
Tell'em what you told them.

And include asking 'them' to say back what it is you've just conveyed,
to check whether, and to what degree, that was understandable.

This is pretty much how I talk to my patients as well.

 

[Progster]

I can't, and that is why I have a tendency to over-explain things. I rely on other people to communicate with me by telling me that they don't understand - communication is a two-way thing - but they don't always do so.

 

[Pats]

As a nurse I had many patients tell me that I was the first person to tell them what was wrong with them in a way they understood. I always use everyday language while I think most the other nurses would use medical terms to make themselves look intelligent. Oh - not saying you do that, just pointing out that I try to explain things as simply as possible and in a way I think I would understand it if I didn't already know it.
I totally agree that it's the other person's responsibility, not yours, to clarify if they don't.
One thing not pointed to in this thread, though, is that many of us mumble _ I used to mumble all the time and no one understood anything I said. I eventually had to make myself speak up more clearly. There are some people who talk so quietly that I can't hear them and I'm probably squinting (lol yes squint to hear them better) and leaning in to try to hear them. Or ask them to repeat louder if it's something I needed to know. (Can always tell the person you have a hard time hearing.)
If this is the case, it should not have been counted against you but pointed out constructively. So which are the complaints and either way, you should have been informed, not be part of your annual review - that just wasn't fair.

 

[Graphin]

@Fino Often students just end up telling they understood everything, or teachers ignoring when they say otherwise. So this is an NT problem too.

Funny thing is people wrongly always think I didn't understand because of my facial expression

 

[Fino]

@Fino So this is an NT problem too.

The way I see it, it's only an NT problem. If the roles were reversed and they were diagnosed and we weren't, by virtue of majority rules, then their symptoms would be, "Uncomfortable admitting when confused," and "difficulty comprehending explanations that exceed a particular length." And now we're coming up with solutions to deal with their challenges.

 

[BraidedPony]

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/3455122176/h9D21C5A9/
How to let someone know you don’t understand...

 

[Fino]

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/3455122176/h9D21C5A9/
How to let someone know you don’t understand...

That's cute on so many levels, I'm GOANAAN DIEEE

 

[TempeFan]

I know that when people *do* understand each other, they nod or mm-hmm, etc. But I'm pretty sure they keep doing that even when they don't get what I'm saying.

I accidently discovered a trick that I started using on purpose because it worked. A few times when I was tired or stressed or for some reason my train of thought got interupted and I forgot what I was talking about, I apologised for having a brain fart then asked the person to remind me what we were talking about by repeating back to me what I had just said. They would either tell me in their own words what they understood me having said or they would not be able to do so, which cued me in that they were not understanding or more probably not even listening. Works great with husbands too.

Now when I suspect someone is not getting what I'm saying, I pause and look away as if something caught my attention then turn back and resume the conversation by saying, "Oh, where did I leave off?" or "What was I saying when (such and such) happened?" If they don't answer with an accurate account of what I just said, then I know to start over saying it a different way.

When somebody said something that made no sense, I used to ask them to clarify, but they would get really angry that I questioned what they said, usually because they didn't know what they were talking about since they were just passing along misinformation they didn't understand either. They would accuse me of questioning their authority or of being to stupid to understand or of not paying attention. I noticed the people around me doing the nod mm-hmm yes I understand thing even though they had no clue either. Later when the job didn't get done right, the people at the top who gave the nonsensical conflicting unclear instructions would start playing the blame game, then punish a random scapegoat, usually the one honest hard working person who made themselves a target by asking for clarification in their effort to get the job done right, namely me. It's no wonder people lie and pretend they understand, because actually trying to communicate has consequences.