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Featured How can I tell an Aspie likes me?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Cat Smith, May 15, 2019.

  1. Cat Smith

    Cat Smith Active Member

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    I am an NT woman and I really like an Aspie man. I can normally read people very well but this one is puzzling me. I can't help but believe he likes me (it is based on my intuition only, which usually is pretty correct for me) but he is not really giving many of those signs I am used to from NT guys. I am myself very shy and thus I am not sure I will be able to just tell him about my feelings or ask him about his, or at least not before I have some strong kind of indication he actually likes me too.

    He never ever starts talking to me first, but when I start talking to him he seems happy to chat (mostly about his special interest which I do not mind as I am involved in it also), is very nice and smiling,....although I can say he is very nervous when talking to me. But he hardly ever asks questions about myself (that's why I think maybe he does not like me as guys who like a girl will ask questions, right?). Often he takes ages to reply to texts from me that are more on personal note as opposed to his special interest ones. Is it because he eventually replies out of politeness only and not due to having interest in talking to me? He does look at me a lot when he thinks I am not looking though. But once I invited him over to my place ''for coffee'' which I phrased as ''returning the favor'' (something he helped me with) and he politely declined which would be a pretty strong indicator that an NT is not interested even in anything physical, but as this is the first Aspie I have got to know on more personal level, I am not really sure if I can judge it by same standards.

    Please help, what signs do Aspies give out (consciously or unconsciously) if they like someone or are interested in someone. Would it be something very different to NTs or the same sort of thing just more subtle? Thank you
     
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  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    How do you know this guy is ASD/aspie?

    Did he tell you?
    Did someone else say he was?
    You saw a diagnosis for him some place?
     
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  3. Cat Smith

    Cat Smith Active Member

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    a mutual friend told me that this guy is an Aspie
     
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  4. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    There is no universal Aspie sign of affection, it really depends on the person. Some of us are upfront about liking someone, some are shy, just like in the general population. If you want to know whether he likes you, you'll have to ask.
     
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  5. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Based on what we know, I get the impression that he might be unconsciously selfish about thinking of his own interests only to an extreme. The signs for this potential, kind of obsessive compulsion (like) interest is something you might have to be okay with in the long run if you're searching for something deep.
     
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  6. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    I use a haruspex.
     
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  7. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2019-5-15_9-31-52.png
     
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  8. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well you see.... it all depends on location. Now the male Eastern Speckled Aspie shows its interested by hopping around in circles flapping his arms and emitting short bursts of a high pitched warbling tone. A behavior labeled Plookeling by Aspologists.

    ;)

    Seriously, like Bolletje stated, we are very varied. Nervousness can happen with anyone and for different reasons. Had it been me for instance, not taking you up on coffee would be a bad sign. There is no way I would pass up that opportunity with someone I had been interested in. And if for some reason I trully couldn't make it, would have rescheduled it then and there. But that is just my view.
     
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  9. shysnail

    shysnail Well-Known Member

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    I agree with the people saying there's no one way of reading an Aspie, being as diverse as NTs.

    However, my two cents from my own experience: social awkwardness and fear of saying the wrong thing and being seen as weird has often inhibited me from doing a lot of things. I don't like talking to people first, in case I'm annoying them. If someone sends me a personal message and I'm not really comfortable with them, I won't know how to reply without being stilted and walking on eggshells. Again, not saying whether this guy likes you or not. I have no idea. But I think there are things that motivate people to behave in certain ways that are not relevant to whether or not they like you. If my girlfriend, when I had first known her and wasn't yet comfortable with her, had invited me round for coffee, I would have said no. I'm terrible at small talk and a situation like that where I'm in someone else's space with no external activity to take up the focus would have been really hard for me.
     
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  10. disconnected

    disconnected Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I’d ask.

    I’m not into the runaround of games, but I’m just one dude
     
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  11. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

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    Ask him. Tell him you like him and/or ask him how he feels about you. That's the only sure way to find out.
     
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  12. H-Kath

    H-Kath Active Member

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    I really think the only way to find out is to ask. It's very easy to misread ASD people and vice versa. I wasn't sure any of my partners were interested until direct communication happened.
     
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  13. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Just ask him.

    Bear in mind we're apt to do better with directness than all the subterfuge of social and dating rituals which more often than not can be agonizing to us.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2019
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  14. MeghanWithAnH

    MeghanWithAnH Active Member

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    I don't know how anyone knows anyone is interested in anyone, but I can offer possible alternative explanations for the things that concern you other than that he's not interested in you.

    Not initiating conversations and not asking questions: it may not occur to him to do either of those things. I always tend to assume that if the other person wants to tell me something, they'll tell me, even though I intellectually know that people have no way of knowing that I'm interested in talking to them unless I let them know that. I still don't usually think to do it. Until five or ten years ago, I didn't even realize that it was something people expected me to do. He also might be nervous about initiating a conversation when he isn't sure if you want to talk or have trouble thinking of good questions to ask. Alternatively, he may have trouble discussing things other than his special interest.

    Taking a long time to reply to personal texts: he may have trouble figuring out how to reply. If he has trouble talking about personal things, he may avoid answering until he can think of something to say that he doesn't think sounds completely stupid or weird. I definitely avoid texts when I don't know how to answer them. It's also possible that some texts are worded in a way that doesn't clearly tell him whether a reply is expected. He also may not think about how much time is reasonable for someone to wait for a reply.

    As for the invitation to "coffee", there's a lot going on there, especially if "coffee" is a euphemism for something else and you phrased it to him the way you phrased it here. I'm now certain of your meaning, but when I first read it I definitely read it as literally inviting him over for coffee, as other people on this site also have. Keep in mind that aspies tend to take things literally and often miss implied meanings. He may have interpreted it literally as you would like him to come drink coffee at your house in repayment of a favor. In that case he may have not felt like drinking coffee, been uncomfortable about being in someone else's home with nothing to do but talk, been busy or tired and didn't think to explain why he didn't want to go, or considered whatever he helped you with to be something that didn't need to be repaid. If he did catch the implied meaning, he may not want to move to that kind of relationship yet for a variety of reasons, some of which are aspie-related and some of which are not.

    So basically, you're right to suspect that aspies don't always show the same signs of interest that NTs tend to use. Unfortunately, there's no secret aspie code of body language, so your best bet is probably to ask him. And be straightforward, no euphemisms or implied meanings :).
     
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  15. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    If he's like me, his behavior indicates that he does not like you in that way.

    I always seem happy to chat, smiling and nice, no matter who talks to me.

    I am nervous talking to anyone.

    If I answer texts out of politeness, I do exactly that and take longer to answer.

    If I like someone, I ask them questions about themselves. If I don't, it doesn't cross my mind.

    I would have said yes to coffee if I liked someone.

    I figured you came to hear about what we do, personally, since that's all we can certainly attest to, but of course, as everyone says, you'd have to ask to be certain.

    But if asking me, I'd say he's just happy he found someone to talk about his special interest with, like a "special interest friend".
     
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  16. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    It's always been difficult for someone to know what I feel. I've been told that.
    Once by a guy I was crazy for, but, I just didn't know the correct things to do to let him
    know for fear he would run from doing things together if he didn't feel the same.
    So I kept it friendly for a long time hoping he would make the first move if he did feel the same for me.
    It was like a special interest friendship, but what I felt was a lot more.

    I'm terrible at answering texts quickly unless one comes through when I have my phone in my hand
    or nearby and hear it. And I seldom do have it close since I keep it in my back pack which could be hanging on the door knob. I don't think to check it very often either.

    I would have accepted coming by for coffee even though I would probably have felt very awkward going
    into someone else's home for the first time. I would be thinking things like how to act, what to talk about
    (special interest?). It would be like a get to know you a little better act for me.
    If the person were bold in their actions, even if I did feel something more than friends, heaven forbid
    what to do?

    I can just see them pouring a cup of coffee, talking a bit, then handing a box of chocolates to me while
    pushing me down on the couch! :oops:
     
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  17. Aru

    Aru Member

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    As an aspie myself and comparing all of that to myself as a person i honestly can't tell, Some of the stuff he does like looking at you when you look away says yes to me because that's my number one indicator when i like someone, The special interest texting is the same as i do, If someone talks to me about gaming i'll go crazy replying but if someone talks to me about something i'm not so familiar with then i'll struggle with a reply or take a long time to find a good response. Saying no to a coffee i'm unsure on because i would probably explain or suggest something else if i couldn't do that or it made me uncomfortable, Honestly as hard as it is the best way to tell if an aspie likes you is to make it as obvious as possible or ask, I've had people like me in the past and they dropped a lot of hints that i just never picked up on at all until a friend told me they were. But overall every aspie is different and learning about him more might be a good idea if you can :)
    I wish you the best of luck!
     
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  18. Stardust Parade

    Stardust Parade Member

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    How are we supposed to know? Nobody here except you has met or interacted with him. There's no universal aspie behavior to indicate romantic interest. You're better off asking this person directly, rather than asking a bunch of strangers on the internet to form an opinion based on the laundry list of behaviors you've listed.
     
  19. inkfingers

    inkfingers 19 year old Aspie artist and Jesus follower

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    Why don't you just ask him if he likes you or not?
     
  20. Joshua Aaron

    Joshua Aaron Just a Professional Weirdo w/Autism and ADHD

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    This seems reasonable.