How can I stop coming across as creepy?

[Frostee]

I think I come across as being creepy sometimes, especially around women , it is probably because i’m not that attractive.

When I get into these situations I learn that they are not appropriate and don’t repeat it again, but I don’t know how to fix the issues at the moment that they occur. Here are a few examples:
1. Walking behind women alone at night and not knowing how to act.
2. Looking at people’s Facebook and accidentally hitting the “add friend” button. Then seeing them acting oddly around me, when I see them in public.
3. Asking someone where they live - not because I want to go to their house, but because I am interested in their accent or geography and want to see what area their accent is from. Some people i’ve asked this and they’ve got offended. I don’t know what to say.
4. Not picking up that someone doesn’t want to speak to me for a while afterwards e.g continually messaging someone about school, getting replies , but no contact from them and only realising that they don’t want to speak to me after thinking about it.
5. Doing something inappropriate and then raising it again to try and apologise, then having the person react negatively.

I have done a lot of things like this that are inappropriate, I always feel bad afterwards. I want to apologise because I don’t have any ill intentions but I feel that this would make the situations worse?

I feel that I naturally come across as Creepy because of my posture, looks and anxiety.

 

[Isadoorian]

3. Asking someone where they live - not because I want to go to their house, but because I am interested in their accent or geography and want to see what area their accent is from. Some people i’ve asked this and they’ve got offended. I don’t know what to say.

You should be asking "Where are you from?" rather than "where do you live?"

Also, some people may retain their accents if they're still around people that have an accent, such as their family, but some will lose it over time from being around people who don't (seem to) have one

 

[midlife aspie]

Your problem seems to revolve around social awkwardness. I doubt your physical appearance has much to do with things. Are there autism support resources or councilors familiar with HFA available on your college campus?

 

[kay]

When I was on Facebook I accidentally sent a friend request. Oh, that is awkward. Sorry you have had that happen, too.

If you find yourself walking too close behind anyone at night stop and tie a shoe, give yourself time and space. And do this long before you get super close. If possible switch to the other side of the street. I do that and I am not a guy. Also I will switch sides sometimes when I see approaching people. It's not to not be creepy, I just prefer to avoid humans.

Doubt I would find you creepy at all. One of my friends is that "creepy" guy everyone else avoids. Similar reasons. He says things that others find offensive just because he doesn't understand. Doesn't bother me, I like that he's extreme honesty. Of course everyone else thinks there must be even worse that he is hiding because they don't understand that he says what he does because he really is honest. At the wrong time.

Sorry, I am not a guy so creepy isn't what people think. Just oooh, yuk, what's with her?

 

[Panthro]

I used to have this issue as well when I was a teenager. Females used to always say that I scared them due to my lack of facial expression, bad eye contact (I went from not giving any to giving too much), not being aware of socially acceptable proxemics, and just my overall social awkwardness.

 

[Progster]

When I get into these situations I learn that they are not appropriate and don’t repeat it again, but I don’t know how to fix the issues at the moment that they occur. Here are a few examples:

So this seems to be an impulse control issue - you need to try and distract yourself from the offending action until you've had a chance to think it through. Perhaps trying to count, or getting up to make yourself a drink, listening to a song or playing a game - you might need to experiment to see what works for you.

Apart from that, it's all life experience and part of the learning curve. The important thing is that you realise that you made a mistake and you take action to try to prevetn it from happening again.

 

[Mr Allen]

Only reason I used to like walking behind my carer who's left recently was because she's got a really nice arse, I just liked to perv lol.

 

[Progster]

Only reason I used to like walking behind my carer who's left recently was because she's got a really nice arse, I just liked to perv lol.

That's creepy and disrespectful towards the carer.

 

[Frostee]

Only reason I used to like walking behind my carer who's left recently was because she's got a really nice arse, I just liked to perv lol.

People like you are the reason why women feel so uncomfortable walking ahead of men. This is always in my head when I walk behind women and it is extremely awkward, especially if a women thinks that I am doing this.

 

[Frostee]

You should be asking "Where are you from?" rather than "where do you live?"

Also, some people may retain their accents if they're still around people that have an accent, such as their family, but some will lose it over time from being around people who don't (seem to) have one

Yeah, tbh the reason why I asked is because I was on a YouTube live session and asked the Youtubers what city they lived in. They said “we’re not telling you , that is a creepy question”, and started laughing about it, making a whole scene. People started saying “stalker alert” and trying to verbally attack me. It felt awful/mortifying to be bitched about live on Youtube, so I left immediately. I didn’t think it was an inappropriate question at all, I wouldn’t have asked if I did, obviously.

In any case I thought they were a little rude given the context behind their channel.

I think people who put themselves in the public sphere shouldn’t be defensive and critical over personal questions, they should expect personal questions!

This is disappointing because I actually liked these Youtubers and watched their videos everyday.

 

[Frostee]

So this seems to be an impulse control issue - you need to try and distract yourself from the offending action until you've had a chance to think it through. Perhaps trying to count, or getting up to make yourself a drink, listening to a song or playing a game - you might need to experiment to see what works for you.

Apart from that, it's all life experience and part of the learning curve. The important thing is that you realise that you made a mistake and you take action to try to prevetn it from happening again.

This seems like a reasonable idea!

 

[Frostee]

You should be asking "Where are you from?" rather than "where do you live?"

Also, some people may retain their accents if they're still around people that have an accent, such as their family, but some will lose it over time from being around people who don't (seem to) have one

I do normally do that, but it came out before I could think about it. So not much I could do.

 

[Mr Allen]

People like you are the reason why women feel so uncomfortable walking ahead of men. This is always in my head when I walk behind women and it is extremely awkward, especially if a women thinks that I am doing this.

I DO respect women.

I just really liked her even though she's 21 and I'm just turned 42, so I'm loads too old for her even if we knew each other under different circumstances and she was single.

 

[Mary Anne]

I think I come across as being creepy sometimes, especially around women , it is probably because i’m not that attractive.

When I get into these situations I learn that they are not appropriate and don’t repeat it again, but I don’t know how to fix the issues at the moment that they occur. Here are a few examples:

1. Walking behind women alone at night and not knowing how to act.

2. Looking at people’s Facebook and accidentally hitting the “add friend” button. Then seeing them acting oddly around me, when I see them in public.

3. Asking someone where they live - not because I want to go to their house, but because I am interested in their accent or geography and want to see what area their accent is from. Some people i’ve asked this and they’ve got offended. I don’t know what to say.

4. Not picking up that someone doesn’t want to speak to me for a while afterwards e.g continually messaging someone about school, getting replies , but no contact from them and only realising that they don’t want to speak to me after thinking about it.

5. Doing something inappropriate and then raising it again to try and apologise, then having the person react negatively.

I have done a lot of things like this that are inappropriate, I always feel bad afterwards. I want to apologise because I don’t have any ill intentions but I feel that this would make the situations worse?

I feel that I naturally come across as Creepy because of my posture, looks and anxiety.

Realist, you are a young person. It will take time and practice to hone your social skills. You went to university in another country where everything is different. You miss your home here everyone is friendly. Everyone would experience what you are going through. It is a part of growing up and maturing.

That being said, you are dealing with new awareness of the complexities of social skills you never had to use before. You are aspie. So here are suggestions from another aspie who also struggled for decades with people issues.

#1. Please don’t “walk behind women at night.” Some of us have had very bad experiences. Some of us are very ready to defend ourselves. I cross the street if anyone gets 1 block behind me when I am alone at night. Yes, I said One entire whole block. I am not letting any guy come up on me. This is not the time and place to try and get to know a person.

#3. I get this. I am also fascinated by accents and dialects. Asking is successful only after already engaging in a pleasant conversation. Say, hey, I like your accent. I am trying to learn all these diverse ones I hear, and being from Northern Great Britain, I am fascinated - the dialects all sound confusing. Are you from London? Or, Are you from Wales?

Now if you are trying to directly ask about neighborhoods that they live in - that is creepy! The best way to learn is to go exploring neighborhoods by walking around and listening plus talking to people. Do not get “personal” with strangers. Asking personal stuff of people you are not friendly with is creepy. You gotta go through the “small talk” in order to get to know someone. Go out for tea and scones.

Conversation with a female in a “safe space” as a museum. Learn about art, and talk to people who are viewing the art. But understand that some of us also want to be alone in public spaces and do not want to talk either. Learn the signs of when someone does not to engage with you, and move on.

If a person appears too needy or desparate for friendship, it’s a turn off to both strangers and others alike. Sometimes though, you will find a lonely person just like you, and there is a friendship in the making right away.

#4. Yeah, if there is no response after a second text hours later. and you messaged about homework, or fact checking a lecture, then I would move on.

I am confused though, because you say they DO respond to you, but, then you “continue to message them.” This would annoy and infuriate some. If they answered, but do not wish to engage after ONE further message, you should stop.

#5 Yes, this makes it worse. I have an acquaintance that has the exact same traits and actions as you describe. David is aspie, positively brilliant, a lawyer and.... annoys everyone because he has all the same traits of very awkward social communication, bothers people nonstop, and is unattractive.

He has gotten much better at his social skills over time He found fellowship and is extremely active in the Masonic Masons world wide organization, and though it’s all, male, they accept him much more easily than women. He is heterosexual and struggles to find girlfriends although has had 3 or four relationships in his 51 years, even a live-in girlfriend for several years.

Know that people talk and gossip. If one person is annoyed with you, they can share that feeling with their friends, whom will also steer clear of you.

As for “unattractiveness,“ people are all different in what they find attractive. Thank goodness- there are billions of “unattractive” humans in this world that find partners and happiness. There is tremendous pressure on young people via social media to conform to standards of whatever attractiveness is “in” at the moment. As we age, we often realize just how unimportant and shallow these fads are. Look through history to see how fads of what was considered beauty was thought of. Even in the 20th Century, ideas of “attractiveness” changed greatly throughout the decades.

I am very glad you are not discussing this in detail on these forums. You are on the road now to directing positive change in your life!

 

[55853]

I DO respect women.

I just really liked her even though she's 21 and I'm just turned 42, so I'm loads too old for her even if we knew each other under different circumstances and she was single.

It's the most basic respect there is to NOT stare at women. If you had any respect for her, you would not stare at her nor make an internet post laughing about it. It's even worse that she's a young woman half your age. Do you have any self-control?

 

[kay]

Only reason I used to like walking behind my carer who's left recently was because she's got a really nice arse, I just liked to perv lol.

I realize you may mean no harm but staring like that is very uncomfortable for the recipient. It may be a very nice arse and all, but it's just not polite to be pervy. Glance and move on and certainly don't follow a carer.

Actually I know a guy who likes nothing more than to get to walk behind a girl in shorts at the park. He's like you, a bit pervy. Harmless, though, but annoyingly pervy. Unfortunately he seems to think women are something like real life fairies, just beautiful and magical creatures here to enchant him. He's been that way since first grade. He will never get why he shouldn't stare, though at least he isn't obvious these days about it and would never follow anyone in a weird way. These are just women who happen to end up getting in front of him, he actually never makes a real effort to follow. Anyhoo, my advise is to not walk behind women just to look at their arse, no matter.

 

[Panthro]

I think some of you are misunderstanding Mr Allen. I highly doubt he is standing behind the carer wide eyed and drooling over here. The man is a human being, there is nothing wrong with taking a quick peek at something you find attractive. As long as he isnt being obvious.

 

[Mr Allen]

I think some of you are misunderstanding Mr Allen. I highly doubt he is standing behind the carer wide eyed and drooling over here. The man is a human being, there is nothing wrong with taking a quick peek at something you find attractive. As long as he isnt being obvious.

Thank you, that's exactly what I meant

 

[tducey]

I think we all like a pretty face around here but you have to be mindful of a person's feelings as well. Could make them feel uncomfortable if they know you are starting at them to long.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I think I come across as being creepy sometimes, especially around women , it is probably because i’m not that attractive.

When I get into these situations I learn that they are not appropriate and don’t repeat it again, but I don’t know how to fix the issues at the moment that they occur. Here are a few examples:
1. Walking behind women alone at night and not knowing how to act.
2. Looking at people’s Facebook and accidentally hitting the “add friend” button. Then seeing them acting oddly around me, when I see them in public.
3. Asking someone where they live - not because I want to go to their house, but because I am interested in their accent or geography and want to see what area their accent is from. Some people i’ve asked this and they’ve got offended. I don’t know what to say.
4. Not picking up that someone doesn’t want to speak to me for a while afterwards e.g continually messaging someone about school, getting replies , but no contact from them and only realising that they don’t want to speak to me after thinking about it.
5. Doing something inappropriate and then raising it again to try and apologise, then having the person react negatively.

I have done a lot of things like this that are inappropriate, I always feel bad afterwards. I want to apologise because I don’t have any ill intentions but I feel that this would make the situations worse?

I feel that I naturally come across as Creepy because of my posture, looks and anxiety.

i feel the same way about my appearance,or looks.especially upon eye-contact,like i would've done back in high school.right now i'm doing a lot of avoiding,like a ninja .