Forgive me as this will end up being long, but I'm (28F) seeking advice about how I can help my brother (29M) who is high-functioning having been diagnosed with Asperger's during our late adolescence. He has always struggled greatly with change in his life usually reacting with anger, depression and withdrawal. This happened with graduation of high school, giving minimal participation in applying for colleges and therefore enrolling in the local university 10 minutes away and living from home and then repeated again with graduating with his bachelor's degree, completely reluctant through the process and resulting in no active job search for two years while still living at home despite everyone's best efforts to encourage him and connect him to resources .
Eventually through the push from our mother combined with assistance from our local autism support center, he was able to land a seasonal job that while not the best experience did push him to apply and secure a job at Home Depot which he enjoyed and felt valued and continued to live at home. In Fall of 2019, our mother had been preparing to sell our home in MA to move to NJ in our grandmother's home (deceased) to be closer to family, a decision my brother FULLY supported for years as he never held high opinion of our hometown and also wanted to move away....until there was an offer and it officially sold.
His opinion completely flipped overnight and he became severely adamant and verbally abusive towards our mother (he already had an issue with how he communicated with her and showing respect which she tried to get counseling for him but he was never willing to do and this event turned the dial up 20 times), blaming her for making the worst decision possible and refusing to assist with the move, but also not deciding if he was going to go to NJ with her or stay in MA alone.
Many of our family members and myself came to help with packing over the course of two months to which my brother didn't participate and very openly showed his disrespect and disdain towards her. My father was also called in to help speak to him which did finally get my brother to make a decision eventually, but not without almost two weeks of talking at him and trying to offer all the ways we would help him if he chose to stay in MA like finding a new place, giving him a portion of the money from the sale of the house, etc. He decided that he would make the move to NJ, but it didn't improve his mindset and understandably upset with leaving his job, but he was able to successfully transfer to another Home Depot location close to our home in NJ.
There were many plans to go back and visit our hometown to put him at ease, but of course COVID-19 hit which put a pin in any travel back over the last year. In the last year, his condescension towards our mother has been at an all-time-high and he's been depressed which I do understand to a degree as the work environment in his current job isn't as great as his previous position and with social distancing, neither of them have been able to enjoy the activities, eateries or visits to family members as they would be doing right now.
He's been saying for over a year now about planning to move back to MA, but he's not proactive in any aspect of trying to achieve his goal (which we've all expressed our complete support if that makes him happy) and when offered any advice, he either cusses out (if it comes from our mother) or says "Yeah yeah, I know I know" and doesn't follow through (if it comes from myself or other family members).
His perception of the situation is very different from everyone else's; he acts like he's being kept in place, like he doesn't have the freedom of choice and while vocally adamant about leaving NJ and not being "babied or nagged", he's also co-dependent from being waked up to go to work, having laundry done, etc. and he doesn't pay rent or utilities, exception of occasional groceries and car insurance.
In some ways I get where he's coming from, wanting to be treated and trusted as an adult would, how homesick he feels and not wanting to work in a job where he's not appreciated by his superiors, but on the flip side he doesn't recognize the privileges he has (even when told) and seems unable to take the initiative in his own life on both large and small scales. Our mother isn't getting younger and already had a health risk with pneumonia during COVID-19 last year and of course she isn't perfect, but greatly it pains means to see how he's treating her, which he's admitted to being on some level self-aware of how condescending he is to her and while he won't say it out-right, I feel that his personal expectation is that she must make the move back WITH him.
I've recommended for years that he should talk to an outside source, an unbiased voice from a counselor or therapist so he feels that he has a safe space, but like previous advice given he will not accept it from our mother (she did reach out to a specialist in NJ who works with adults with Asperger's and passed her contact information to him which he's never followed up on) or if it's from me, he says he'll think about it and not follow through.
I'm really at odds because I don't want to see either of them suffer, but I've been witness to the whole process leading up to today's circumstances and no matter how I try to comfort and advise, he can't seem to seek the help even when all the tools and resources have been mapped out in front of him. How can I help him to take the next step into a direction, ANY direction to help himself?
Eventually through the push from our mother combined with assistance from our local autism support center, he was able to land a seasonal job that while not the best experience did push him to apply and secure a job at Home Depot which he enjoyed and felt valued and continued to live at home. In Fall of 2019, our mother had been preparing to sell our home in MA to move to NJ in our grandmother's home (deceased) to be closer to family, a decision my brother FULLY supported for years as he never held high opinion of our hometown and also wanted to move away....until there was an offer and it officially sold.
His opinion completely flipped overnight and he became severely adamant and verbally abusive towards our mother (he already had an issue with how he communicated with her and showing respect which she tried to get counseling for him but he was never willing to do and this event turned the dial up 20 times), blaming her for making the worst decision possible and refusing to assist with the move, but also not deciding if he was going to go to NJ with her or stay in MA alone.
Many of our family members and myself came to help with packing over the course of two months to which my brother didn't participate and very openly showed his disrespect and disdain towards her. My father was also called in to help speak to him which did finally get my brother to make a decision eventually, but not without almost two weeks of talking at him and trying to offer all the ways we would help him if he chose to stay in MA like finding a new place, giving him a portion of the money from the sale of the house, etc. He decided that he would make the move to NJ, but it didn't improve his mindset and understandably upset with leaving his job, but he was able to successfully transfer to another Home Depot location close to our home in NJ.
There were many plans to go back and visit our hometown to put him at ease, but of course COVID-19 hit which put a pin in any travel back over the last year. In the last year, his condescension towards our mother has been at an all-time-high and he's been depressed which I do understand to a degree as the work environment in his current job isn't as great as his previous position and with social distancing, neither of them have been able to enjoy the activities, eateries or visits to family members as they would be doing right now.
He's been saying for over a year now about planning to move back to MA, but he's not proactive in any aspect of trying to achieve his goal (which we've all expressed our complete support if that makes him happy) and when offered any advice, he either cusses out (if it comes from our mother) or says "Yeah yeah, I know I know" and doesn't follow through (if it comes from myself or other family members).
His perception of the situation is very different from everyone else's; he acts like he's being kept in place, like he doesn't have the freedom of choice and while vocally adamant about leaving NJ and not being "babied or nagged", he's also co-dependent from being waked up to go to work, having laundry done, etc. and he doesn't pay rent or utilities, exception of occasional groceries and car insurance.
In some ways I get where he's coming from, wanting to be treated and trusted as an adult would, how homesick he feels and not wanting to work in a job where he's not appreciated by his superiors, but on the flip side he doesn't recognize the privileges he has (even when told) and seems unable to take the initiative in his own life on both large and small scales. Our mother isn't getting younger and already had a health risk with pneumonia during COVID-19 last year and of course she isn't perfect, but greatly it pains means to see how he's treating her, which he's admitted to being on some level self-aware of how condescending he is to her and while he won't say it out-right, I feel that his personal expectation is that she must make the move back WITH him.
I've recommended for years that he should talk to an outside source, an unbiased voice from a counselor or therapist so he feels that he has a safe space, but like previous advice given he will not accept it from our mother (she did reach out to a specialist in NJ who works with adults with Asperger's and passed her contact information to him which he's never followed up on) or if it's from me, he says he'll think about it and not follow through.
I'm really at odds because I don't want to see either of them suffer, but I've been witness to the whole process leading up to today's circumstances and no matter how I try to comfort and advise, he can't seem to seek the help even when all the tools and resources have been mapped out in front of him. How can I help him to take the next step into a direction, ANY direction to help himself?
