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How can I get my sister just to mind her own business and stop being nosy?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Ruby, Dec 20, 2013.

  1. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    My sister is 14 and I'm 16. I am autistic and she hasn't had a diagnosis of autism or anything. One of the most annoying things about her is that she won't mind her own business! She always wants to know why I have things, why I do things and what I'm doing. She also gets into my business (eg. files, photos) even when I request she doesn't. She makes negative statements about things that I do or have even when I don't exactly put them out there for her to have an opinion about. She is so opinionated and judgemental but I do not want her opinions. I just want to live my life how I like and how I think it's acceptable and not by others. I don't really care what others think but it still makes me feel bad because I don't want to know what they think. My sister even gives her opinions and tells me what I should/shouldn't do even when I tell her not to.

    My sister has a depressing life and is quite negative but she should really get her own life, make herself happy and not try to manipulate my life. What I do or have should not matter to her. She should just concentrate on herself. That's what she's here for. For instance, she judges me and gives her negative statements and opinions about my eating. She thinks I eat too healthy and that I have to have more junk food but whenever she does see me with some of junk food and if she thinks I consume a lot of calories, she comments that it's fattening and I'm going to gain weight. I lost my weight by changing my eating habits. My sister should concentrate on her eating habits, not mine.

    I don't really give people my opinions, judgements and tell them what they should do. I mind my business. I wish people could treat me like that. I want people to mind their own business and live their own life in return so that we can live happier, easier and more free lives. Some of my friends, family and peers also don't mind their own business.
     
  2. Flinty

    Flinty Off Indefinite Hiatus, I Guess V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like a typical 14-year-old girl to me.

    Where are your parents? It's their job to play referee in situations like this.

    Feel free to count the days until you can escape. :wavespin:
     
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  3. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    My mum seems to think that it's our responsibility to sort our problems. If I tell her, she might say "just ignore her. It's her problem" or something.
     
  4. Flinty

    Flinty Off Indefinite Hiatus, I Guess V.I.P Member

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    That would be fine if you were both NT adults (or near-adults). But that is not the case here, and this is the point you should be making.
     
  5. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    I don't know what to say to her and how to tell her to stop without being rude and so that she would actually stop. Her behaviour towards me affects my self-esteem and happiness.
     
  6. Ereth

    Ereth Well-Known Member

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    Write a letter to her explaining how you feel. Sometimes it's easier to put one's feelings on paper first.
     
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  7. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    That's a good idea.
     
  8. Christy

    Christy Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have one older sister and two younger sisters, and I can confirm this is pretty typical behaviour. I know it doesn't feel like it, but her getting into your stuff is because she likes you.

    Maybe instead of locking her out completely, you could spend some time with her where you talk and show her your stuff? It may make her feel special, but also show her there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed?
     
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  9. Spinning Compass

    Spinning Compass Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That is a tough one and it sounds like your mother is evading HER responsibilities as a parent. She is being willfully blind to what is going on. I know because it was like that in my family. The normal siblings were allowed to pick on the ones who had issues and there wasn't anything the ones with issues could do about it. I moved out as soon as I was able to and did not learn until a few years ago that after I left, my youngest sister (who has a physical disability) was regularly getting the sh*t beaten out of her by her older sister and our parents let it go on. They (the parents) were beyond reproach and criticism simply because they were parents, so there was no appealing to them at all. They would either get angry (my dad) or burst into weeping tears (my mother) if one confronted them with what was going on. The normals could do no wrong. The same sister that used to beat up her younger sister also got in trouble for drugs and shoplifting and never once had to suffer the consequences because Mommy and Daddy stuck up for their little darling. Had I or my other sister even thought about doing stuff like that, oh, boy, I don't know if either one of us would be walking around free today. Because back then you could shunt someone off to an institution and that was it.

    I really can't give you any advice, except--you are 16. In two years you will be out of school or close to being out of school and in my state a legal adult. Grit your teeth and make the most of those two years. They will be the most important two years of your life. I'm not kidding. Now is the time to find out what you will need to survive on your own. Do you plan on going to college? If so, what for and how will it be paid for? If you are not planning to go to college, or can't afford it, then what kind of work skills do you have and what kind of work skills will you need? What kind of vocational training is available in your area? What kind of assistance do you qualify for? What is your transportation situation? Do you drive? Do you have access to public transportation? Do you know how to budget? Do you know what the cost of living is in your area? Like rent, food, clothing? Start planning NOW. That's what I did when I was in your situation. I kept my mouth shut, went along with the situation as best I could, and the first chance I got, I got the hell out of there. The only thing I am sorry for is that I was not there to protect my sister from being beaten but I did not know about it at the time or I would have done something like called Child Protective Services.
     
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  10. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    My mom thinks it's unnecessary for me to drive but I really want to and she doesn't mind if I do it but she can't really afford driving lessons and I feel that she doesn't care which can lead her to being slack about this. I might have to pay for my own driving lessons but I am saving for a house. I need both a car and a house to live independently but driving is more important at the moment. I doubt that I'll have enough money for a house once I'm 18. My mum said that I can move out when I'm 18 but it's very young. I would like to move out as soon as I can but I'm not sure how my mum is really going to feel. She might be angry or dissapointed but I'd still visit often.
     
  11. Spinning Compass

    Spinning Compass Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Are you saving for a house or an apartment? As someone who was house-hunting a couple of years ago, I can tell you that buying a house is one of the biggest responsibilities you will ever have. Trust me, the banks and Realtors will see you coming and they will do their best to talk you into something they know very well you are not able to afford. Of all the people I talked to when I was out house-hunting, only ONE was honest with me and she was a Realtor who was about to retire so she had nothing to lose by telling me that I really was in no position financially to buy a house.

    Remember, because the banks and Realtors will not, that it is not just the mortgage payments that you need to be concerned with. That's all THEY care about. But after you sign the papers you will also be responsible for taxes, repairs, things the city or village will require you to do (like hook up to sewer). I don't have a "house" house, but I have twenty years' experience of living in a trailer park (which is kind of a hybrid between renting and owning where you own your home but you don't own the land) and I can tell you it gets awfully tight financially at times. Right now I have several items that need repairing that I am having to put off because I simply don't have the money.

    My advice is to concentrate on getting your driver's license. You may have to be creative about this. My parents were even less supportive of me getting my drivers' license than your mom. This is how I did it. Back in the 1970's in Michigan, if you got a learner's permit, as long as you did not get it validated, it was good indefinitely. Once you validated it, you had only 30 days to get your real license. I got my learner's permit at 18 but did not validate it. That was also when the schools offered free drivers' training which I understand they do not now, and it doesn't sound like an option in your case. Ok, I got my learner's permit, saved my money until I had enough to buy a car, then went and validated the learner's permit. At that time, if you had a learner's permit, you could not drive alone but had to have someone else in the car. The only requirement was that they be alive and breathing. Seriously. So I got together with a coworker and we went around test driving cars. I have some funny stories to tell about some of the cars we test drove. None of the dealers ever asked to see my license so they had no idea that I was learning to drive using their cars! It was only after I found the car I wanted that I ran into some problems. The salesperson would not sell me the car at first because I only had a learner's permit, but I was of age, I had the money and after talking to his manager he decided that even though that was not how it was normally done, he sold me the car. Now, things have changed in Michigan quite a bit. For one thing, you have to have a Parent or Guardian with you. What I am saying is do your research and see what kind of out of the box thinking you might have to do because it sounds like you are going to have to think outside the box like I had to. I wish you the best of luck and am rooting for you.
     
  12. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    I'm thinking of renting before I buy a house. Where I live, You can learn to drive when you're 16 but you have to have 120 hours of driving and you can't get a probationary license until you're 18. I'm a bit concerned about not getting 120 hours especially if no adults seem to care enough to supervise my driving a lot.
     
  13. Spinning Compass

    Spinning Compass Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Does Australia require the supervising adult to be a parent or guardian or can it be anyone over 18 with a license? Because if it doesn't, that makes things a lot easier. I don't know what I would have done under Michigan's stricter laws. I guess I was just plain lucky that it could be any adult with a license. Do you have any friends you can rely on?

    If I were to do it all over again, I would have pushed a little bit harder against my family and tried to enlist the support of the school counselors to help me gain the skills I so badly needed. But you have to understand that the kind of help available now wasn't available back then. Officially, I wasn't ASD. Officially, I wasn't supposed to have any problems. So I pretty much kept my thoughts and dreams and plans to myself. I never even once thought of going to get help from the high school counseling office. I didn't even try to take advantage of what little was out there, or even to find out, because that was not how my family did things, and the fact that my father was a well-known and powerful teacher in the same school was enough to discourage me.

    I don't know about the quality of the Australian educational system or what kinds of work are available in your area to someone fresh out of school, but I do know from personal experience that the American educational system does a lousy job of preparing students for real life. And I went to one of the "better" schools. The days when someone could walk out of high school with a diploma and get a job that paid enough so they could move out of the house are long, long gone in my part of the country and are never coming back. So if you aren't able to go on to college, and you don't have any skills, you are basically screwed. Forgive me, this is a subject I feel very passionate about. Had I known what was ahead of me, I would have somehow found some way to defy my family and take secretarial courses instead of the useless college prep that they made me take. I did manage to take a typing class (that was ok, because I would have to type term papers in college), and that has saved me from a life of flipping burgers at McDonalds or working at Wal-Mart. That's why I said the next two years are probably the most critical in your life. So use the resources that are available at school, and don't waste time taking subjects that are not going to improve your employability unless you are required to take them in order to graduate. You can always catch up on the "college prep" stuff later in life.
     
  14. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    The superviser can be anyone with a full license meaning they would have to be at least 21. That doesn't really help because I very rarely see my friends outside of school or sport. I sort of made a friend who was in her twenties but we don't see eachother outside of the curricular activity and I won't be friends with her in 2014 as I won't be in the same class as her. I don't exactly think I can rely on anyone besides my parents because it isn't their responsibility to supervise me, I'm not close enough to anyone else and my mum would feel left out and as if I don't trust or love her. I don't want to rely on anyone to supervise my driving, but the point is I HAVE TO. I don't want to make my mum overwhelmed or I don't want to make her feel she has to do something she doesn't want to. I really need her for the sake of learning to drive although I don't want to nag her or get her involved. I wish she could be more involved and encouraging without me seeking it but I don't know what she's going to be like as a supervisor. She doesn't realise how important this is. I hope she'll be a great support. I don't want to keep nagging her.
     
  15. Mr Faramoose

    Mr Faramoose Well-Known Member

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    you can write a letter like someone said, but to be honest she may not take much notice, she sees you as her brother which somehow gives her an automatic right to oversee your life. The best way is probably face to face explanation about how she makes you feel, and how you feel your privacy is being invaded, try to turn it around so she can imagine how it would feel if you were constantly involving yourself in her life, then she might understand what it is like more
     
  16. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

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    Good idea. I'm her sister by the way.
     
  17. mdirks225

    mdirks225 Active Member

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    Sounds like my sister. But we get over it (she's 15 I'm 17) after a while.