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how can i be less rude to someone i disagree with fully
- Thread starter dadko20
- Start date
Strategy 1: Smile, nod your head, let them say their piece, but then don't engage in their reality, or any related conversation. Cut it short and move on.
Strategy 2: In the hospital, with people strung out on drugs and hallucinating. Them: "I know you can't see this, but there's a rabbit over there with a knife in his hand." Us: "Do you want me to chase him out of the room?"
Strategy 3: You don't want to encourage them, but sometimes it's fun to play along with the ridiculousness. Conspiracy theorists, flat earthers, and the like.
Strategy 2: In the hospital, with people strung out on drugs and hallucinating. Them: "I know you can't see this, but there's a rabbit over there with a knife in his hand." Us: "Do you want me to chase him out of the room?"
Strategy 3: You don't want to encourage them, but sometimes it's fun to play along with the ridiculousness. Conspiracy theorists, flat earthers, and the like.
Another strategy is to say something like "it's always reassuring to talk to an expert" and then immediately smile, say "excuse me" and walk away. The other person knows he/she is not an expert and now knows that you know that they are not an expert. This is a subtle putdown, but it always sounds so very polite.
I worked with clients and some of them retained some amazingly offensive opinions. I just kept a neutral expression on my face, made some sympathetic noises and then moved the conversation back to business.
I recently had a construction type person in my home and he went on and on about how the black people (not the word he used) were ruining the town. But he must have seen the photo of my daughter on display and figured out this was not a good topic. I never said anything. He was smarter than most.
I recently had a construction type person in my home and he went on and on about how the black people (not the word he used) were ruining the town. But he must have seen the photo of my daughter on display and figured out this was not a good topic. I never said anything. He was smarter than most.
I tend to be too quiet and polite the vast majority of the time. But once in a very blue moon I seem to find I have left the house with my size 13s on.
This happened a few days ago and I was quite surprised at how stern I was. It was triggered by a "know it all Pratt" talking nonsense about something related to one of my interests. What they said was so ridiculous and false that, before I knew it, I was setting the record straight.
It bugged me for a few days, but I really thought about what got me triggered and I think it was me feeling protective of my hobby and the problems it causes when people spout things that mislead people. In this case he had declared that the value of something was several times more than it really is. Things like that just artificially inflate prices and probably inflate his ego too. It ruins things though, for people who genuinely have a passion for the hobby or people becoming interested in it.
So maybe if you find someone says something that might provoke you to react rudely, pause and think about what it is about what they are saying that triggers you. Maybe being ND makes you feel more sensitive about the subject being discussed? If it's something you know a lot about and they clearly don't for example?
This happened a few days ago and I was quite surprised at how stern I was. It was triggered by a "know it all Pratt" talking nonsense about something related to one of my interests. What they said was so ridiculous and false that, before I knew it, I was setting the record straight.
It bugged me for a few days, but I really thought about what got me triggered and I think it was me feeling protective of my hobby and the problems it causes when people spout things that mislead people. In this case he had declared that the value of something was several times more than it really is. Things like that just artificially inflate prices and probably inflate his ego too. It ruins things though, for people who genuinely have a passion for the hobby or people becoming interested in it.
So maybe if you find someone says something that might provoke you to react rudely, pause and think about what it is about what they are saying that triggers you. Maybe being ND makes you feel more sensitive about the subject being discussed? If it's something you know a lot about and they clearly don't for example?
AuroraBorealis
AuuuuuDHD
This applies to me too.
I'd say, first thing, take a second to consider. I'm often impulsive, so that's a good start.
Think about which situation you're in: Is it professional, private, family, friends, a stranger?
Is it your boss, a colleague, a trainee, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance?
How important is it to you to correct them? Are there other people present, and you want to prevent mistakes being made by false information? Is it something that's very personal and important to you, and you want to consciously make a stand?
Could it be better if you chose a later moment to discuss this, instead of disagreeing with them right now? (Could be the case if you're at work, for example, and shouldn't embarrass/argue with your boss in front of the whole team - a much better strategy might be to discuss this later, one on one)
How likely is it that you correcting them loudly will have an impact? Is it even worth to go into it? If it's a situation where you desperately feel the need, but no good would come out of correcting the person at all - like e.g. disagreeing for the 100th time with a relative who has a fundamentally different view of certain things than you - you could resort to correcting the person in your mind, and playing through the whole conversation. Or do this later, loudly, when you're alone. Might sound a bit weird, but is actually not a bad plan B.
That step should result in you deciding whether you actually want to say something, or stay quiet.
If you've decided to stay quiet in that moment, you can decide whether you want to stay quiet altogether, or maybe choose a later moment to bring it up to that person.
If you've decided to say something, picking the right tone is very important. With a friend or a family member with whom you have an unproblematic relationship and who know you, being blunt can often be excused. With someone at work, people tend to get offended easier, and you need to sugarcoat your response. This can be something like "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but wasn't it xyz", or "Maybe I remember it incorrectly, but wasn't it xyz", or "Sorry, I didn't know this either until I read up on it a while ago, but actually, xyz".
It's really annoying, but those little pre-ambels make it seem to the other person like you're not 100% sure either and, like that, you're more on the same page. People tend to accept things better that way.
If you're in a position where you're expected to correct someone - like, you're training someone - you don't need to take so much care, you can just go ahead and correct them, maybe say "oh, sorry, but xyz" sometimes.
It's important not to show that you think their opinion or statements are "nonsense", as you say. That makes the other person feel like you think they're dumb. Even if you really think that, it's not nice and people don't like it.
I'd say, first thing, take a second to consider. I'm often impulsive, so that's a good start.
Think about which situation you're in: Is it professional, private, family, friends, a stranger?
Is it your boss, a colleague, a trainee, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance?
How important is it to you to correct them? Are there other people present, and you want to prevent mistakes being made by false information? Is it something that's very personal and important to you, and you want to consciously make a stand?
Could it be better if you chose a later moment to discuss this, instead of disagreeing with them right now? (Could be the case if you're at work, for example, and shouldn't embarrass/argue with your boss in front of the whole team - a much better strategy might be to discuss this later, one on one)
How likely is it that you correcting them loudly will have an impact? Is it even worth to go into it? If it's a situation where you desperately feel the need, but no good would come out of correcting the person at all - like e.g. disagreeing for the 100th time with a relative who has a fundamentally different view of certain things than you - you could resort to correcting the person in your mind, and playing through the whole conversation. Or do this later, loudly, when you're alone. Might sound a bit weird, but is actually not a bad plan B.
That step should result in you deciding whether you actually want to say something, or stay quiet.
If you've decided to stay quiet in that moment, you can decide whether you want to stay quiet altogether, or maybe choose a later moment to bring it up to that person.
If you've decided to say something, picking the right tone is very important. With a friend or a family member with whom you have an unproblematic relationship and who know you, being blunt can often be excused. With someone at work, people tend to get offended easier, and you need to sugarcoat your response. This can be something like "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but wasn't it xyz", or "Maybe I remember it incorrectly, but wasn't it xyz", or "Sorry, I didn't know this either until I read up on it a while ago, but actually, xyz".
It's really annoying, but those little pre-ambels make it seem to the other person like you're not 100% sure either and, like that, you're more on the same page. People tend to accept things better that way.
If you're in a position where you're expected to correct someone - like, you're training someone - you don't need to take so much care, you can just go ahead and correct them, maybe say "oh, sorry, but xyz" sometimes.
It's important not to show that you think their opinion or statements are "nonsense", as you say. That makes the other person feel like you think they're dumb. Even if you really think that, it's not nice and people don't like it.
I can see how it could be harder for some ND people than NTs to speak up when faced with some other person's (ND or NT) lectures, airs of superiority, false assumptions, "preaching", criticisms, insistence that only they know the truth or have the answers, etc. It's a universal problem.
The best advice really is to ignore them. I used to be able to say nothing and take it in stride when confronted by those people's ignorance but I'm old now and more prone to speaking my mind.
I am working on this with my husband.
Others, I tend to be very polite too lol and so, even if I feel wound up with their ridiculous utterings, I keep it to myself, as I am not a very good arguer ie get tongue tied, when under pressure.
My poor husband is different though, but I do not take out on him, what I have to keep quiet with others.
Others, I tend to be very polite too lol and so, even if I feel wound up with their ridiculous utterings, I keep it to myself, as I am not a very good arguer ie get tongue tied, when under pressure.
My poor husband is different though, but I do not take out on him, what I have to keep quiet with others.
RemyZee
Well-Known Member
I was thinking about putting a thread on this topic. I'm not really rude but there are ta few times I have said or done things not realizing they were very hurtful to the other person involved--and not because of any meanness but it's more like completely misreading a social situation so that things collapse. Sometimes it's even because I'm trying to "connect" with someone: they will see what I'm doing as rude or intrusive. But definitely I can't stand the thought of hurting anyone. But there have been a few times i misread the situation so badly it really had consequences on things like my work and my relationships. Also I think bluntness gets confused with rudeness. If someone speaks directly it can seem threatening to some people and they will interpret it as rudeness when in actually you may just being straightforward
Perhaps that's part of it for me too, I'm not as young as I used to be and I'm a bit weary of hearing people spout rubbish in so many places these days. 99.99999 times out of 100, I do just ignore it. But I suppose because it was about something I'm quite passionate about it kinda skipped over the nervous part of my mind and I just responded.
Shame that I can't seem to do the same thing when people are being mean to me and I could do with summoning up some of that confidence
Jeff T
puzzling lifeform
A few months back there was an issue in the house of a friend of a friend, she brought up the vaccine nonsense regarding autism. She was absolutely convinced that vaccines cause autism. Shortly I felt a great upwelling of anger in me; although I don't recall if I displayed anything very noticeable other than being VERY firm in my opposition. Yes, being blase about it would have been better. I'm not sure where I was in the Assertive/aggressive reign.
A month later was having a set of new tires mounted on rims at the store. Guy drives up, gets out, and starts a spiel at me about how women in the workplace were ruining everything socially, and that they should be at home, barefoot and continually pregnant once again. I was more astonished than angered at all this, this time. This was right after the election, so maybe he was triggered in some way and needed to belch his inner crap out?
A month later was having a set of new tires mounted on rims at the store. Guy drives up, gets out, and starts a spiel at me about how women in the workplace were ruining everything socially, and that they should be at home, barefoot and continually pregnant once again. I was more astonished than angered at all this, this time. This was right after the election, so maybe he was triggered in some way and needed to belch his inner crap out?
Most of the time I will not engage in an argument because I don't want to be dragged down to their level, having my energy drained, because I really have to work at my mental health.Perhaps that's part of it for me too, I'm not as young as I used to be and I'm a bit weary of hearing people spout rubbish in so many places these days. 99.99999 times out of 100, I do just ignore it. But I suppose because it was about something I'm quite passionate about it kinda skipped over the nervous part of my mind and I just responded.
Shame that I can't seem to do the same thing when people are being mean to me and I could do with summoning up some of that confidence
Later however, when I might be tired and grumpy, my mind will scan for things that annoyed me in the last week or so. Then I will start to think
"I should have dunked on them, humbling them and stood up and graciously taken the applause".
Then I realise I can do the exact same thing I did in the moment, which is just let it go and preserve my peace. Rinse and repeat until the urgency of the thought is diminished.
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AuroraBorealis
AuuuuuDHD
I agree with this. I also can't stand the thought of hurting someone, and, generally, I am good at reading people and "reading the room". But it does happen, when I'm caught up in a topic I'm passionate about, or tired, or just in any way not paying close attention, that I behave in a know-it-all way, or miss a cue. Then I can come off as insensitive by correcting someone or saying something that wasn't meant to cause any harm.
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