How are your relations with your non-aspie siblings?

[midlife aspie]

I am curious about this aspect of family dynamics, where a person with Asperger's is a brother or sister of an NT. For my part, I have a younger brother who is very successful as a husband, father, career professional and provider. He is very proficient with home improvement, financial management, and social situations, in fact, he and his wife are practically friends with their whole neighborhood. By contrast, my wife and I don't even know the names of our neighbors, have virtually no visitors or friends, not great with money, and I am definitely a lousy homeowner. I work two low end jobs just to survive (wife works too), and rely heavily on my in-laws for child care. Oh, and my sister-in-law gets to be a stay at home mom too.

I have to admit that I fight bloody battles with jealousy! Does anyone else have this problem?

 

[garnetflower13]

I am actually the most successful sibling in my family, so I have to bear jealousy and envious behavior from siblings. My husband has a brother who is way more successful than he is, who has a beautiful home and travels all over the world in relation to his work. He has said that he is envious of his brother but they still have a good relationship.

 

[metalminx24]

My sister is perfect. Beautiful, successful, popular, rich, cultured, talented, creative, clever, fit, a talented musician, baker and horsewoman, and happy. I am none of those things. We don't really talk as we have nothing at all in common.

 

[Cosmophylla]

My sister is perfect. Beautiful, successful, popular, rich, cultured, talented, creative, clever, fit, a talented musician, baker and horsewoman, and happy. I am none of those things. We don't really talk as we have nothing at all in common.

If your sister isn't making the effort to engage with you, she is failing at something.

Forget appearances. It may look all shiny and perfect on the outside but there is always more to it when you see behind the facade.

Also, her life sounds awfully busy... If being perfect means being that busy, I'll settle for my flawed existence.

I like you the way you are, metalminx24

 

[clg114]

My only sibling is my sister and she lives in Vancouver, WA which is almost 400 miles from where I live. She is a RN and is very good at it. She is 5 years younger than me and we have always had a good relationship. I have not seen her in several years, but we talk on the phone several times a year. My wife communicates with her on Facebook.

 

[Ylva]

I am happy for my grown brother and sister. Why shouldn't they be happy?

 

[metalminx24]

If your sister isn't making the effort to engage with you, she is failing at something.

Forget appearances. It may look all shiny and perfect on the outside but there is always more to it when you see behind the facade.

Also, her life sounds awfully busy... If being perfect means being that busy, I'll settle for my flawed existence.

I like you the way you are, metalminx24

You lovely lady [emoji4]

 

[shinkansen]

I am curious about this aspect of family dynamics, where a person with Asperger's is a brother or sister of an NT.

I have one younger brother who is an NT. Some years ago, he reckoned I had asperger's syndrome. I remember him reading a wikipedia article to me saying how I exhibited the symptoms. I ignored both his opinions and the wiki article.

My brother was correct, because I was later diagnosed. When a doctor said he thought I was on the spectrum, I finally paid attention.

My brother is perceptive and empathetic. These are the 'blind spots' in my social skills.

 

[Astroganga]

All four of my sisters have undergraduate degrees and I think my eldest sister has a masters but not 100% sure as I don't understand the degree system very well, me on the other hand, I have one GCSE achieved after I left school and a pass in art and design GNVQ (a vocational qualification). I could not get a merit or distinction on that as everyone else in my classes did, as I have a phobia of any educational setting and executive function issues. All my art pieces got marked as a distinction but I was lacking in the written work and also I didn't do a presentation that we were meant to. My sisters also have really good jobs, though my second eldest sister went completely against her degree subjects (media and dramatic arts) and now works in the beauty industry. My IQ is in the 120 region (different tests give slightly different results) but I am not a conventionally academic person at all and most of my jobs I got from knowing the bosses. So I do feel like the loser of the family.

 

[David Larson]

Not great. I have an overachieving older sister who refuses to so much as friend me on Facebook let alone talk to me ever since my diagnosis (she thinks I'm using it to try to get people to pity me and get attention, as if I give a damn what other people think).

Then I have two older brothers I've only known for brief, intermittent periods of time in between their stints in prison. Whenever they got out they'd come live at home and they'd steal from me and generally screw with me. They're both in prison right now. So I guess I don't really get along with them either.

 

[holbrook]

I have two younger sisters (twins), five years younger than I. I haven't had much contact with them since I turned 18 (divorced parents, went from living with dad to mum at that time).

I know they have careers, kids and marriages. They're "friends" on Facebook and I sometimes see stuff from them when lurking. One of them put up a picture showing pregnant self and I have to admit it's bizarre to me when thinking about it, it being how people not how I really remember.

I get it though, people today are different than they were 10 years ago. But, it's still weird seeing people who you knew as kids now being in the opposite role now.

 

[paloftoon]

No I'm not jealous of my siblings, they have been successful in life, but not happy. There is nothing they really do well and have no interests outside of their jobs, in fact their jobs are their lives. The two I'm thinking of have traveled all over the world, lived in other places for years at a time, yet in each place they visit or stay they complain of the lack of things that they miss. They don't really fit into the culture around them or find out anything interesting about it, in those people and places, they bring back memories that are superficial and uncomprehending. They both have friends, but they are superficial acquaintances who they use as connections, and their friends use them as connections as well.

. . .. It's a bogus way to live, always worrying about what others think, and living your life accordingly within that stricture. I care about what I think, ultimately.

Thank you for sharing that. When I do get another rare opportunity to travel, I will try to appreciate it more for what it is. Not an easy thing to do -that is for sure. I have been struggling to find real friendships too. I find many "friends" and acquaintances now, but a lot of them are very superficial and unempathetic.

The only things I might add to this is be open to people who earn and continue to earn your trust even if they don't have a lot in common with you. Try to have a level of independence, reciprocation, and strength to not let others put you down either course.

Keep in mind that it's so hard to find good people like this, and sometimes it's good to learn a least a little of something that is not within your general interests- especially when given the opportunity.

 

[Rayner]

I have one younger sister, she's 15 and NT. We have a decent relationship. She try's to make our relationship work and i enjoy that part of it. I don't much for the drama of other parts of my family.

 

[Mia]

I don't much for the drama of other parts of my family.

Agree Rayner, the drama makes me crazy.

 

[Rayner]

It's all relative Astroganga, used to feel as if that were true for me also. Yet, I believe that I was 'made' to feel that way by people, when it was never really true. Success is a funny thing, once had the older sibling tell me that she would 'give anything' to be able to draw and paint as I do. So, it truly depends on how you perceive yourself shorn of what other people think, and influenced by no one but yourself.

Success is relative, I'm kinda the losor of my family in a lot of ways. It no longer bothers me since I know I can't fill a cookie cutter role of what success is. So I'm ok with that.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I have a good relationship with my older sister, in a very distant sort of way. When I was in England she lived on the other side of the country and we would only see each other maybe twice a year, and I am living on the other side of the world now so I haven't seen her in over a year. I'm terrible at keep up correspondence so we don't email or chat much either. Despite this I am fond of her and am happy that she has a good life.

She has always been very different from me, pretty, confident and very popular while I have always been shy and a social reject/ bullying victim (at school at least). She has a PhD, a very well paying job, a partner she loves, and lots of pets, and is generally very happy and successful.

Am I jealous? No, because I enjoy my life, and have always done whatever I wanted to do. We want different things from life and as such have different lives.

Was I jealous of her when she was one of the most popular girls in the school despite being a complete overachieving nerd, and I was the ugly, bullied social reject who was taunted for getting A*s? Hell yes. I've grown up since then, thank goodness.

 

[On the Inside]

I have 4 older sisters, and we all have a good, friendly, caring yet distant relationship. We all do our own thing and try to get together once in a while. I think our unspoken rule is live and let live, it is for me at least. No one is really any better off than anyone else, so not much to be jealous about.

I haven't talked to any of my siblings about being an Aspie, I just don't see the need, they know I'm an oddball, and have some difficulties in life, but I've not felt the need for support from them and don't know if they would be of much help anyways.

Being the only male sibling, I have probably been given a lot of leeway, though I feel that some of my sisters wished I was more of a take charge kind of guy, like our dad was. We still keep our family lake cabin, and it is in need of a lot of maintanence, which I have done more than my share of, but I'm not that interested in spending a lot of my time and energy doing that, but they all seem to look to me to do anything that goes beyond painting.

The problem that I do have is with my partner and her sisters. They have successful husbands, nice houses, take numerous vacations and have full social lives, while we live in a dumpy old house, might be able to take one vacation a year if we go on the cheap, and hardly have a social life to speak of. I get the "why can't you be more like my brothers in law" often.

 

[Rayner]

I have 4 older sisters, and we al have a good, friendly, caring yet distant relationship. We all do our own thing and try to get together once in a while. I think our unveiled rule is live and let live, it is for me at least. No one is really any better off than anyone else, so not much to be jealous about.

I haven't talked to any of my siblings about being an Aspie, I just don't see the need, they know I'm an oddball, and have some difficulties in life, but I'very not felt the need for support from them and don't know if they would be of much help anyways.

Being the only male sibling, I have probably been given a lot of leeway, though I feel that some of my sisters wished I was more of a take charge kind of guy, like our dad was. We still keep our family lake cabin, and it is in need of a lot of maintanence, which I have done more than my share of, but I'm not that interested in spending a lot of my time and energy doing that, but they all seem to look to me to do anything that goes beyond painting.

The problem that I do have is with my partner and her sisters. They have successful husbands, nice houses, take numerous vacations and have full social lives, while we live in a dumpy old house, might be able to take one vacation a year if we go on the cheap, and hardly have a social life to speak of. I get the "why can't you be more like my brother in laws" often.

I'm compared to my sisters boyfriend on a regular basis by my own family. It's nothing against my sisters boyfriend but it's ok to be different from him or anyone else that's does marks me any worse.

 

[granolaturtle]

I have two older sisters, but both live far away. I don't really like to talk to them over the phone anymore, because they have so many more things going on in their lives and I don't want to bring them down.

 

[watersprite]

Relationships with my siblings: Not good. There are things we have to talk about but other than the required phone talks I avoid them if at all possible. I neither want to bring myself down further nor bring them down. I take responsibility for this (for the most part) as I have no good social skills and lots of bad habits, attitudes & a tendency to meltdowns when it comes to people & socializing. Note that I did, long ago, make an effort to stay connected and it went to hell in a handbasket. It's in my best interests that I remain as quiet and isolated as possible.