Hopeless

[if6wasnin9]

Have had many disorders last 45 years with little relief. Severe mood disorder and told at Johns Hopkins 2017 by some incompetent Resident that I had Asperger's and didn't explain it or tell me how to get help. I've told everyone since then and been totally ignored. Now some nurse told me I'm autistic and have to live with it and I can't.
I got very sick at 13 and couldn't feel myself or relate to anyone anymore and I haven't been the same since.
Been hospitalized dozens of times and meds and shock treatment destroyed me and almost killed me and been abused in all hospitals since 1990.
I've had enough. Every second of the day I struggle to identify with myself and mood has felt horrible for 45 years.
I've done lots of things in my life and nothing ever helped me gain any control or build confidence.
I need strength to end everything. I've had way too much....
Mental health system is a huge scam and I proved it....I asked a Sr Hopkins Dr how much she knew about mood disorders and she said "Not much". So all these Drs I've seen last 35 years have been lying to me!!

 

[AprilR]

Hello, welcome.

I am sorry you are feeling so down.

The mental health system where i live is also very backwards and i spent my life trying to find coping mechanisms for my problems. This forum helps me a bit so i hope you can find some solace here too.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome to the forum, @if6wasnin9.

I hope you can find some relief by reading and participating in some of the threads here. There are many clever and resourceful folks here full of knowledge informed by lived experience. I hope we can help you.

 

[if6wasnin9]

I've tried being positive all my life and it never helped me gain control over had bad I feel, function better or gain any confidence. No one has understood or cared. I've seen "best" Drs on East Coast and they were horrible. I've told professionals I can't go on like this and they ignore me! You wouldn't believe the way I was treated by hospitals and Drs since 1986. My last Dr almost killed me twice, lied about all meds, ignored me and I complained now I'm banned from all practices in MD & DE! And he was one of the better Drs I've seen! I've been treated much worse! I saw one sick Dr in Philly 1992 and he said "Your anxiety is almost psychotic and you're a schmuck" then smiled and said "You think you're losing your mind?" Then he told me he was Head of Ethics at the hospital!

 

[Outsider]

It seems to me that you were hospitalized against your will. Currently I'm trying to get my friend, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, out of AOT. We live in NY. I don't know if there is AOT(assisted outpatient treatment) program in your state. The program is based on Kendra's Law that allows treatment of patients against their will. Kendra's Law is applicable to NY only, but there might be a similar program in your state. Perhaps, you need a good lawyer to help you stop the cruel treatment.

 

[if6wasnin9]

I wasn't hospitalized against my will! I had a bunch of nervous breakdowns and was incapacitated and told my father to take me to the hospital! I was in The Institute of PA, the best psych hospital in USA in 1990s and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me! The psychologist just stared at me! I couldn't speak and they couldn't figure out I was dissociating! I was unable to speak since 13 when I became detached from myself and just learned to talk maybe 10 years ago.