Hi!

[inlalaland]

After contemplating joining a website where I can ask questions about my son's behaviors I decided to do it. I don't know how long I will stick around as I try to avoid distractions on my phone that I already have a hard time putting down.
Anyway, my son will be 5 this month. He was recently diagnosed with "very" (as the psychologist put it) high functioning autism.
We weren't shocked. We suspected it which is why we had the evaluation!
I'm questioning myself daily on parenting, what's right, what's wrong, what I can improve. I also question daily if his behaviors are common 4 year old behaviors or if they're autistic behaviors. I don't know how I'm supposed to correct them if I'm not sure if they're typical 4 year old behaviors or not and how I even can find out if they are.
I have read a couple of books, I have more checked out waiting to be read, I have read plenty on the internet, I've read mixed reviews for things recommended by the psychologist.


I'm in a state of constant wonder, worry and stress.

I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some valuable insight.

 

[Aspychata]

I First of all, welcome to the forum. Second of all, you can do this. At age five, my daughter loved sorting rocks, then she would sort her Halloween candies, then she moved on to sorting her Pokémon cards. But she has graduated and works in a think tank and is a data analyst. l did worry like you, and l still worry. I homeschool her. She had some say in what she wanted to study. She later attended a performing arts high school and really blossomed. If it's at all possible, pursue his interests, and he may have many special interests. Martial arts might be a routine he may look forward when he is a tween.

 

[FilterFreq]

At age five, my daughter loved sorting rocks, then she would sort her Halloween candies, then she moved on to sorting her Pokémon cards. But she has graduated and works in a think tank and is a data analyst.

That's such a cool trajectory. Sounds like she's doing work that she was destined to do!

 

[Outdated]

He was recently diagnosed with "very" (as the psychologist put it) high functioning autism.

I'm not a parent but I am a (very) high functioning ASD2.

Most high functioning autistics reach intellectual maturity much younger than other kids but our social maturity takes a lot longer than normal to even start evolving.

There's quite a few parents on this forum, I hope some of them can give you helpful advice and tips.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome to the forum, @inlalaland.

I think your approach to learning about autism and getting perspectives from people who are autistic is going to be really helpful to your son. I'm hoping we can be more to you than just a distraction on your phone.

I don't know how I'm supposed to correct them if I'm not sure if they're typical 4 year old behaviors or not and how I even can find out if they are.

I would encourage you to consider not trying to "correct" everything that you see as nontypical and related to autism. It will be important for you to learn what is normal for your son. Really, only the behaviors and habits that are causing major problems or harm are the ones that need intervening. A lot of us grew up feeling different, but not necessarily wrong or inferior. I think more than trying to correct autistic behaviors you notice, you could focus on the following:

- help your son to understand and recognize emotions

- work on building strong communication between you and your son in a way that is comfortable for both of you

- help your son build skills of resilience (things don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep trying)

- help your son build adaptability (how can he prepare for and deal with unexpected change?)

Many of us inadvertently got the message that we were wrong or strange or deficient when we were young simply because we processed and interacted with the world differently than our parents and caregivers expected. Instilling a strong self esteem and sense of confidence could really help your son over his lifetime.

 

[tree]

 

[FayetheAspie]

Welcome

 

[Peter Morrison]

When you read too much on a topic, you can end up confused and questioning whose advice to follow. The fact that you are concerned and want to be sure to handle your child's upbringing properly already shows that you are truly concerned with his development. Your son still has many years ahead of him to learn and experience what life is all about. He's a bit young to show signs that require any special attention. He is going to behave in a way that seems normal to him. All kids will do "weird" things. Most of it is imagination and experimentation. The majority of issues I see here on this forum relate to problems with social skills and frustration with friendships and emotional upheaval. There is a lot of anxiety that affects moods and serenity. I am the same, but I don't want any of that to govern my life. With your son, wait until you see a pattern of inappropriate emotions or actions. There is no handbook for raising children, so be patient and wait until an issue arises, then deal with that issue. I don't know anyone who doesn't appreciate having had love in their childhood. Love is valuable.

 

[inlalaland]

I First of all, welcome to the forum. Second of all, you can do this. At age five, my daughter loved sorting rocks, then she would sort her Halloween candies, then she moved on to sorting her Pokémon cards. But she has graduated and works in a think tank and is a data analyst. l did worry like you, and l still worry. I homeschool her. She had some say in what she wanted to study. She later attended a performing arts high school and really blossomed. If it's at all possible, pursue his interests, and he may have many special interests. Martial arts might be a routine he may look forward when he is a tween.

Thank you for sharing that. May I ask if your daughter is also high functioning? And may I also ask what made you homeschool her? Did you always homeschool her or is it something you switched to? My husband and I want to get our son into martial arts but he says he wouldn't like it. We will probably do a trial class. He currently plays tball and does well.

 

[inlalaland]

I'm not a parent but I am a (very) high functioning ASD2.

Most high functioning autistics reach intellectual maturity much younger than other kids but our social maturity takes a lot longer than normal to even start evolving.

There's quite a few parents on this forum, I hope some of them can give you helpful advice and tips.

Thank you so much! We have been trying to get him around more kids so that he has more experience socializing. He isn't in a formal school setting yet because of his late birthday but we are about to start a pre-k type program to see how he does. He's had a few test runs at it and they went well.

 

[Aspychata]

Oh boy, bullies. A boy told my daughter, a precocious 2nd grader, that he would kill her. The principal provided zero support. l decided to keep her home, and now l am grateful for the chance l was given, instead of the obtrusive loud school. She actually decided she wanted to go back to school in 7th grade, that lasted one week, and she told me to pick her up. lol

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I would encourage you to consider not trying to "correct" everything that you see as nontypical and related to autism. It will be important for you to learn what is normal for your son. Really, only the behaviors and habits that are causing major problems or harm are the ones that need intervening.

This is very good advice, in my opinion.

I think that some of the main "autistic things" which are in danger of being falsely corrected, no matter the age but especially for children, are:
- autistic meltdowns
- autistic shutdowns
- sensory issues/overload
- picky eating
- limited, strong interests
- being "rude" in a conversation, meaning asking/saying inappropriate things, monopolizing a conversation, "lecturing"/infodumping and thus seeming arrogant, correcting adults who find this disrespectful, such as teachers
- trying to explain how a mistake/bad behavior happened, instead of just saying sorry and leaving it at that, and thereby risking of being accused of "talking back"
- stimming/repetitive motion, such as fidgeting, rocking, humming, singing, repeating words.

That doesn't mean that everything an autistic kid does is not intentional. An autistic kid can also throw a controlled tantrum to achieve something, which wouldn't at all be the same thing as a meltdown, and which needed a different kind of reaction. An autistic kid can (often) learn to say "please" and "thank you" and accept those as common courtesies. An autistic kid can learn that, even though they aren't forced to eat something they don't like, that doesn't mean that everyone else on the table has to eat the same thing, too.

But the things I wrote up there are things I especially remember from my own childhood, or which I have heard from others, as classical "bad behavior" things, which were really just the autism saying hi.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My mother raised six of us 4 high functioning, she never put much thought into how to raise us I remember once finding a book by a well known doctor "Spock" in the 1950's on raising kids, basically she just ran on instinct coming from a family of 12 herself 6 brothers 5 sisters. My advice having raised two boys do not over think If he is high functioning let him find his interests indulge if able. First indication will be hyperlexia, they bought us encyclopedias, which we all read from cover to cover.

 

[Outdated]

Thank you so much! We have been trying to get him around more kids so that he has more experience socializing. He isn't in a formal school setting yet because of his late birthday but we are about to start a pre-k type program to see how he does. He's had a few test runs at it and they went well.

I suggest not forcing him to try and fit in with other kids if things don't work out so well there. My father made me join boy scouts and threatened me with being sent to a boarding school if I didn't join the local baseball team, it's still not forgotten or forgiven 50 years later.

Many of us suffer very poorly in "social" settings as kids due to our lack of social maturity, in that area we're often about 5 years behind all the other kids. We're very vulnerable to emotional, physical and sexual abuse when forced to play with kids who are socially much more developed than us.

At age 12 I was often correcting my teachers in class but my social maturity was that of an 8 year old.

 

[All-Rounder]

I am by no means high functioning as I appear, I'm lvl 2. My disabilities are pretty invisible but definitely not to me once I got to know them. I have suffered greatly in the face of daily life.

Sounds like your first kid, you're unfamiliar with child behavior. Since he got diagnosed it really doesn't matter whatever is normal behavior and whatever is not, and you might never be able to tell until he has self awareness and knows himself and his autism, and don't worry unless it's something that has negative consequences.

Welcome.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

If he is not an only child he may not have social issues I did not 2nd oldest of two younger brothers we socialized with each other.

 

[inlalaland]

Hello and welcome to the forum, @inlalaland.

I think your approach to learning about autism and getting perspectives from people who are autistic is going to be really helpful to your son. I'm hoping we can be more to you than just a distraction on your phone.


I would encourage you to consider not trying to "correct" everything that you see as nontypical and related to autism. It will be important for you to learn what is normal for your son. Really, only the behaviors and habits that are causing major problems or harm are the ones that need intervening. A lot of us grew up feeling different, but not necessarily wrong or inferior. I think more than trying to correct autistic behaviors you notice, you could focus on the following:

- help your son to understand and recognize emotions

- work on building strong communication between you and your son in a way that is comfortable for both of you

- help your son build skills of resilience (things don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep trying)

- help your son build adaptability (how can he prepare for and deal with unexpected change?)

Many of us inadvertently got the message that we were wrong or strange or deficient when we were young simply because we processed and interacted with the world differently than our parents and caregivers expected. Instilling a strong self esteem and sense of confidence could really help your son over his lifetime.

Thank you so much for all of that. I am already learning a lot just from this post. I have a lot to learn and a lot to figure out yet with my son. I foresee myself asking a lot of questions here!

 

[inlalaland]

When you read too much on a topic, you can end up confused and questioning whose advice to follow. The fact that you are concerned and want to be sure to handle your child's upbringing properly already shows that you are truly concerned with his development. Your son still has many years ahead of him to learn and experience what life is all about. He's a bit young to show signs that require any special attention. He is going to behave in a way that seems normal to him. All kids will do "weird" things. Most of it is imagination and experimentation. The majority of issues I see here on this forum relate to problems with social skills and frustration with friendships and emotional upheaval. There is a lot of anxiety that affects moods and serenity. I am the same, but I don't want any of that to govern my life. With your son, wait until you see a pattern of inappropriate emotions or actions. There is no handbook for raising children, so be patient and wait until an issue arises, then deal with that issue. I don't know anyone who doesn't appreciate having had love in their childhood. Love is valuable.

Thank you for sharing all of that. All are very valid points. We try to address things as they happen as we would if he was neurotypical, example: he starts yelling and being as loud as he can while we are on the phone so we explain we are on the phone and he needs to be quiet. Or, he will start talking to my husband the second after I start speaking to my husband so we remind him he needs to wait and not interrupt people while they're speaking. Things like that. I assume that's all OK as we are trying to remind him. He has an obsession with touching his sister's head (he's done it since we brought her home from the hospital, she is two) and sometimes hitting his head into hers and when he does that I get pretty firm with him and tell him not to do it because he could hurt himself or his sister. I guess overall we try to "correct" the common courtesy type of things and anything that could harm him or someone else.

 

[inlalaland]

Oh boy, bullies. A boy told my daughter, a precocious 2nd grader, that he would kill her. The principal provided zero support. l decided to keep her home, and now l am grateful for the chance l was given, instead of the obtrusive loud school. She actually decided she wanted to go back to school in 7th grade, that lasted one week, and she told me to pick her up. lol

Oh gosh. I am horrified to send him to school. My husband wants him to go. I want to homeschool. My husband said he wants him to have the socialization and experience. I told him he can still do other things to socialize and make friends and I'd make sure to take him to said things. My husband has tourettes and tics. He told me he had people call him things as a child in school and mock him and he was OK as a result and I think just because he was able to handle the bullies he thinks anyone can and I really worry about it.

 

[inlalaland]

Oh boy, bullies. A boy told my daughter, a precocious 2nd grader, that he would kill her. The principal provided zero support. l decided to keep her home, and now l am grateful for the chance l was given, instead of the obtrusive loud school. She actually decided she wanted to go back to school in 7th grade, that lasted one week, and she told me to pick her up. lol

Oh gosh. I am horrified to send him to school. My husband wants him to go. I want to homeschool. My husband said he wants him to have the socialization and experience. I told him he can still do other things to socialize and make friends and I'd make sure to take him to said things. My husband has tourettes and tics. He told me he had people call him things as a child in school and mock him and he was OK as a result and I think just because he was able to handle the bullies he thinks anyone can and I really worry about

This is very good advice, in my opinion.

I think that some of the main "autistic things" which are in danger of being falsely corrected, no matter the age but especially for children, are:
- autistic meltdowns
- autistic shutdowns
- sensory issues/overload
- picky eating
- limited, strong interests
- being "rude" in a conversation, meaning asking/saying inappropriate things, monopolizing a conversation, "lecturing"/infodumping and thus seeming arrogant, correcting adults who find this disrespectful, such as teachers
- trying to explain how a mistake/bad behavior happened, instead of just saying sorry and leaving it at that, and thereby risking of being accused of "talking back"
- stimming/repetitive motion, such as fidgeting, rocking, humming, singing, repeating words.

That doesn't mean that everything an autistic kid does is not intentional. An autistic kid can also throw a controlled tantrum to achieve something, which wouldn't at all be the same thing as a meltdown, and which needed a different kind of reaction. An autistic kid can (often) learn to say "please" and "thank you" and accept those as common courtesies. An autistic kid can learn that, even though they aren't forced to eat something they don't like, that doesn't mean that everyone else on the table has to eat the same thing, too.

But the things I wrote up there are things I especially remember from my own childhood, or which I have heard from others, as classical "bad behavior" things, which were really just the autism saying hi.

Oh gosh. Thank you. I have so much to learn. So, so much. My husband tries to remind him to say please and thank you (more than I do). He is quite picky. Dinner time is ROUGH most nights, as is bed time, they're my least favorite parts of the day.
We play into his interests. We've done that his whole life so at least we are doing something right there. I've learned so much about airplanes!