Hi there!
I'll cut right to the chase, lol.
I'm Luca... I'm turning 27 next month and I feel really lost. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was a child and I have a long history of childhood trauma, and those things kind of go together for me. I have extreme anxiety and panic issues and I'm also depressed, but I stifle it when I'm around people which just makes everything worse.
For the most part, I don't see myself as a totally functional adult. I live on my own (with assistance from my mother) even though it's just me and my dogs. I have yet to be in a "normal" or serious relationship and I have been in a lot of "friends with benefits"/hookup type situations that were actually really abusive. I get disability benefits because of my lack of ability to hold a job...
Every time I get a job it seems to be going really well for a few months and then I screw up and get fired. This has caused me to have crippling anxiety around the idea of having a job. I've tried a very wide range of types of jobs: retail, animal care, jobs in the art field, video/audio editing, and even briefly tried bartending and being a server. Nothing works!! I've been trying and failing to complete college for almost 10 years... the issue is not my grades, the issue is bullying.
I take so many different medications for both mental health and medical special needs that I'm frankly embarrassed to even bring it up with anyone. One of my major issues is that I don't talk about things, so that's why I'm joining here, I need the anonymity in order to discuss things that I don't feel comfortable talking about with my family or friends (I do have a therapist). I have a group of friends, but I have a lot of issues with them. With the exception of my best friend, I don't feel like I can be my authentic self with most of them because I think they'll judge me or think I'm weird. I already know that some of them judge me.
I have one "friend" in particular (I'll use the term loosely) who I don't really think feels empathy or anything at all towards other people so I'm trying to avoid him. He has made some really concerning comments and I just don't want to be around that. Most of my friends don't know I have Asperger's because I "fake it" with them, since most of them are not on the spectrum. They also don't know the extent of my mental health issues because I face a lot of stigma and misperception when people find out what I have. I know the simple answer is to tell me to ditch these friends and make new ones, and I would, if it was easier for me to put myself out there
For some reason I am very much loved by the community I live in and no one seems to think there's anything "wrong" with me. I'm very giving and empathetic and affectionate so I help my neighbors out a lot. Most of them have been able to open up to me about personal things... which I really would never feel comfortable disclosing about myself if I was in their shoes. Sometimes I feel like I'm everyone's friend but no one is really a good friend to me in return.
I have a lot of issues with gender identity. I was born female but I present as male even though I think I'm actually a bit more fluid. People tend to think I'm a guy more than half the time but some people think I'm a woman and some people are just confused. I don't even care what pronouns people use for me because it doesn't really matter. I tend to wear clothes that blur the lines a little bit so it's understandable. I don't live in an area where I'm particularly at risk because of my gender identity but if I venture out further I'm very careful and I do get a lot of anxiety about being out of my "safe zone."
I won't go into the whole story of my childhood trauma issues because I've already talked too much But the major thing is that I was adopted twice, as a young child and again as a teenager. I spent a lot of time being "sent away."
I'm of Latin/Portuguese descent if that's relevant for anything.
My Spanish is terrible. My adoptive parents are white.
If anyone reads this whole mess of an intro and bothers to comment on it, then thank you I know I'm a lot!
Hopefully I can meet some people here who can give me advice and I'm happy to help others as well!! Have a good day everyone
- Luca
I'll cut right to the chase, lol.
I'm Luca... I'm turning 27 next month and I feel really lost. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was a child and I have a long history of childhood trauma, and those things kind of go together for me. I have extreme anxiety and panic issues and I'm also depressed, but I stifle it when I'm around people which just makes everything worse.
For the most part, I don't see myself as a totally functional adult. I live on my own (with assistance from my mother) even though it's just me and my dogs. I have yet to be in a "normal" or serious relationship and I have been in a lot of "friends with benefits"/hookup type situations that were actually really abusive. I get disability benefits because of my lack of ability to hold a job...
Every time I get a job it seems to be going really well for a few months and then I screw up and get fired. This has caused me to have crippling anxiety around the idea of having a job. I've tried a very wide range of types of jobs: retail, animal care, jobs in the art field, video/audio editing, and even briefly tried bartending and being a server. Nothing works!! I've been trying and failing to complete college for almost 10 years... the issue is not my grades, the issue is bullying.
I take so many different medications for both mental health and medical special needs that I'm frankly embarrassed to even bring it up with anyone. One of my major issues is that I don't talk about things, so that's why I'm joining here, I need the anonymity in order to discuss things that I don't feel comfortable talking about with my family or friends (I do have a therapist). I have a group of friends, but I have a lot of issues with them. With the exception of my best friend, I don't feel like I can be my authentic self with most of them because I think they'll judge me or think I'm weird. I already know that some of them judge me.
I have one "friend" in particular (I'll use the term loosely) who I don't really think feels empathy or anything at all towards other people so I'm trying to avoid him. He has made some really concerning comments and I just don't want to be around that. Most of my friends don't know I have Asperger's because I "fake it" with them, since most of them are not on the spectrum. They also don't know the extent of my mental health issues because I face a lot of stigma and misperception when people find out what I have. I know the simple answer is to tell me to ditch these friends and make new ones, and I would, if it was easier for me to put myself out there
For some reason I am very much loved by the community I live in and no one seems to think there's anything "wrong" with me. I'm very giving and empathetic and affectionate so I help my neighbors out a lot. Most of them have been able to open up to me about personal things... which I really would never feel comfortable disclosing about myself if I was in their shoes. Sometimes I feel like I'm everyone's friend but no one is really a good friend to me in return.
I have a lot of issues with gender identity. I was born female but I present as male even though I think I'm actually a bit more fluid. People tend to think I'm a guy more than half the time but some people think I'm a woman and some people are just confused. I don't even care what pronouns people use for me because it doesn't really matter. I tend to wear clothes that blur the lines a little bit so it's understandable. I don't live in an area where I'm particularly at risk because of my gender identity but if I venture out further I'm very careful and I do get a lot of anxiety about being out of my "safe zone."
I won't go into the whole story of my childhood trauma issues because I've already talked too much But the major thing is that I was adopted twice, as a young child and again as a teenager. I spent a lot of time being "sent away."
I'm of Latin/Portuguese descent if that's relevant for anything.
My Spanish is terrible. My adoptive parents are white.
If anyone reads this whole mess of an intro and bothers to comment on it, then thank you I know I'm a lot!
Hopefully I can meet some people here who can give me advice and I'm happy to help others as well!! Have a good day everyone
- Luca