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Hi!!

Luca

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Hi there!
I'll cut right to the chase, lol.
I'm Luca... I'm turning 27 next month and I feel really lost. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was a child and I have a long history of childhood trauma, and those things kind of go together for me. I have extreme anxiety and panic issues and I'm also depressed, but I stifle it when I'm around people which just makes everything worse.

For the most part, I don't see myself as a totally functional adult. I live on my own (with assistance from my mother) even though it's just me and my dogs. I have yet to be in a "normal" or serious relationship and I have been in a lot of "friends with benefits"/hookup type situations that were actually really abusive. I get disability benefits because of my lack of ability to hold a job...

Every time I get a job it seems to be going really well for a few months and then I screw up and get fired. This has caused me to have crippling anxiety around the idea of having a job. I've tried a very wide range of types of jobs: retail, animal care, jobs in the art field, video/audio editing, and even briefly tried bartending and being a server. Nothing works!! :disrelieved: I've been trying and failing to complete college for almost 10 years... the issue is not my grades, the issue is bullying.

I take so many different medications for both mental health and medical special needs that I'm frankly embarrassed to even bring it up with anyone. One of my major issues is that I don't talk about things, so that's why I'm joining here, I need the anonymity in order to discuss things that I don't feel comfortable talking about with my family or friends (I do have a therapist). I have a group of friends, but I have a lot of issues with them. With the exception of my best friend, I don't feel like I can be my authentic self with most of them because I think they'll judge me or think I'm weird. I already know that some of them judge me.

I have one "friend" in particular (I'll use the term loosely) who I don't really think feels empathy or anything at all towards other people so I'm trying to avoid him. He has made some really concerning comments and I just don't want to be around that. Most of my friends don't know I have Asperger's because I "fake it" with them, since most of them are not on the spectrum. They also don't know the extent of my mental health issues because I face a lot of stigma and misperception when people find out what I have. I know the simple answer is to tell me to ditch these friends and make new ones, and I would, if it was easier for me to put myself out there :cry:

For some reason I am very much loved by the community I live in and no one seems to think there's anything "wrong" with me. I'm very giving and empathetic and affectionate so I help my neighbors out a lot. Most of them have been able to open up to me about personal things... which I really would never feel comfortable disclosing about myself if I was in their shoes. Sometimes I feel like I'm everyone's friend but no one is really a good friend to me in return.

I have a lot of issues with gender identity. I was born female but I present as male even though I think I'm actually a bit more fluid. People tend to think I'm a guy more than half the time but some people think I'm a woman and some people are just confused. :tearsofjoy: I don't even care what pronouns people use for me because it doesn't really matter. I tend to wear clothes that blur the lines a little bit so it's understandable. I don't live in an area where I'm particularly at risk because of my gender identity but if I venture out further I'm very careful and I do get a lot of anxiety about being out of my "safe zone."

I won't go into the whole story of my childhood trauma issues because I've already talked too much :coldsweat: But the major thing is that I was adopted twice, as a young child and again as a teenager. I spent a lot of time being "sent away."

I'm of Latin/Portuguese descent if that's relevant for anything.
My Spanish is terrible. My adoptive parents are white.

If anyone reads this whole mess of an intro and bothers to comment on it, then thank you :innocent: I know I'm a lot! :sweatsmile:

Hopefully I can meet some people here who can give me advice and I'm happy to help others as well!! Have a good day everyone :kissingheart::kissingheart:
- Luca
 
Welcome @crewlucaa_ I just joined this forum today myself. So far everyone seems very friendly and supportive. I've looked around at a lot of the forum discussions and there seems to be many good ones to choose from. I hope you can find the support you are looking for. Cheers.
 
Welcome @crewlucaa_ & @rach3rd :p

I am very much loved by the community I live in and no one seems to think there's anything "wrong" with me.

You're correct, we are not "wrong", we are different than the 68.2% that define "normal". This forum hosts many brilliant minds and kind hearts. An Atlantic article (full text available online), Autism's First Child - about Kanner's 1st diagnosis - talks about the child's community. You're lucky to have one too.

Welcome @crewlucaa_ I just joined this forum today myself. So far everyone seems very friendly and supportive. I've looked around at a lot of the forum discussions and there seems to be many good ones to choose from. I hope you can find the support you are looking for. Cheers.

and hope you find what you need, too :)


I think most of us have stories of being misunderstood, unvalued members of our families and communities. Yet some here have enjoyed long-term relationships. There's all kinds of wisdom
 
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Welcome! You will find the people here are very friendly and many are also wise.
The really good thing about most of us is we like exploring what makes us tick so you don't have to worry that you are asking weird, bothersome questions.
 
Hi and welcome, great introduction post, I was interested to hear how things have been for you. I identify as nonbinary and gay, and resonated with your comments about gender, it's one of the toughest binaries to mess with I find. But mess with it I do. Can't help it. I hope you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive. Lots of interesting threads here, I hope you will join in and tell us what you think.

:palmtree::cactus::snake::turtle::dragon::cactus::palmtree:
 
Welcome to the group!

There are many interesting threads to explore and feel free to be yourself.
It is a truly safe place to do so.
I talk about things here I wouldn't to others except my therapist.
I don't make connections in life easily, but, here I can.
 
Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies!! :blush:
Sorry it took me so long to respond to this thread, I have four dogs to take care of currently and I'm also dealing with a lot of personal issues and medical things. But I'm here!! Hope everyone's doing well. :blush:
You all had very friendly greetings and some wise, kind words! I'm looking forward to spending time here and getting to know you all.
 

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