Wondering81
New Member
My son was diagnosed with autism 3 years back. Up and until then I didn’t even know what autism is. And as I leaned about it.... questions about myself have been niggling me. I’m certain I’m autistic too - but I don’t know whether I’m telling myself that. But it would explain why I have always been a little different.
Maybe someone who knows more can recognise or relate to what I write.
I was a quiet child. I never spoke. I just sat silent and observed. That is a distinct memory my parents have of me, other aunts and uncles tell
Me the same.
I have always found it easier to mimic, than construct . I remember part of my silence was because I didn’t know how to converse. What to say. Which words to use. I distinctly remember being 5 and hopping up and down desperate to go to the toilet and my teacher standing over me saying ‘ go on , say it. Ask. Ask if you can go to the toilet ‘ and of course I was silent . Adults would forget I’m in the car, and I remember my brother opened the cardoor on the motorway and I knew there was danger, but I didn’t alert my father. :/
All that aside . I used to have a habit of staring. I’ve learnt that it’s best not to look at people . But I used to be able to stare at a person for ages. The way they’d move, their hair... the mannerisms...I was very intrigued.
Shopping centres have always been the worst . Shop after shop and all the products ... all these items, all these decisions... my mind becomes sluggish and I physically begin to feel sleepy, and need to leave. Now I identify what I need online and go straight to the shop and straight back out . Of course the online part takes forever as I am indecisive
Currently I work with a team that in probably very close to. Before I was in law so there was more individual work. Now I work In Sales and it’s more team related and we have a lot of banter. I’m surprised at how much my colleagues are always shocked at me saying ‘inappropriate ‘ things. I’ll say something and they’ll be up in arms and I won’t even know why it is so savage or rude or whatever.
Interestingly when studying law and revising for exams I would memorise my work - and it appeared as a picture in kind. I would see a book, and I could flip through the pages mentally and visualise where the ‘answer’ was . I would work through the pages and then use my memory power to ‘zoom’ into the answer on the page I knew it was . I would know where I had highlighted, how the page was set out etc
I have an excellent photographic memory I have always told myself
When it’s pms my behaviour is esp bad. Even someone talking can make me want to scream.
During school college uni I would often suddenly feel the urge to leave mid trip and return home , almost like a fight or flight response . Especially if I had gone out with a group and something had gone wrong ie the girls
Had said something that hurt me, or made me uncomfortable. I would leave , get the bus home and I’m
Sure they thought I was weird
In my teens I started rocking myself to sleep and I still do , I’m 37. Don’t even notice im doing it
I’m intelligent. I have a super memory. But I don’t know how to decide . If success was based on memory, I’d be flying . But I am indecisive, fearful of new things, don’t really believe I can, and always settle for less. I always get promoted and end up as the hardest working, obsessive working person ever
I also give everything or nothing. There is no inbetween. I’m either OCD cleaning or living in squalor . Pms
Always makes my life worse. My brain can’t help me organise the day to get jobs done. We have a history of Alzheimer’s in the family no doubt I feel the fog settling in some days.
Please someone put me out of my misery. Is this just my personality. Or do you recognise something here.
One last thing , I find looking into eyes hard. Hard because I feel they’re drawing me in. I’ll start looking at the pupil and cornea and analysing the eyes to the point im staring. To avoid that I just glance at people and glance away . Not everyone. Mostly new people.
I am annoyingly strict in regimes. If im jobless, I’m just home. If I’m
Working I’m at the office and home. To deviate from that and visit someone is hard. To allow someone in is anxiety. Will they take their shoes off, what if they use my bathroom. All my little weird habits and rigidity kicks in. And to socialise feels like a pain because I need to have the right attire, may need a bit of makeup. Everything making me uncomfy
Maybe someone who knows more can recognise or relate to what I write.
I was a quiet child. I never spoke. I just sat silent and observed. That is a distinct memory my parents have of me, other aunts and uncles tell
Me the same.
I have always found it easier to mimic, than construct . I remember part of my silence was because I didn’t know how to converse. What to say. Which words to use. I distinctly remember being 5 and hopping up and down desperate to go to the toilet and my teacher standing over me saying ‘ go on , say it. Ask. Ask if you can go to the toilet ‘ and of course I was silent . Adults would forget I’m in the car, and I remember my brother opened the cardoor on the motorway and I knew there was danger, but I didn’t alert my father. :/
All that aside . I used to have a habit of staring. I’ve learnt that it’s best not to look at people . But I used to be able to stare at a person for ages. The way they’d move, their hair... the mannerisms...I was very intrigued.
Shopping centres have always been the worst . Shop after shop and all the products ... all these items, all these decisions... my mind becomes sluggish and I physically begin to feel sleepy, and need to leave. Now I identify what I need online and go straight to the shop and straight back out . Of course the online part takes forever as I am indecisive
Currently I work with a team that in probably very close to. Before I was in law so there was more individual work. Now I work In Sales and it’s more team related and we have a lot of banter. I’m surprised at how much my colleagues are always shocked at me saying ‘inappropriate ‘ things. I’ll say something and they’ll be up in arms and I won’t even know why it is so savage or rude or whatever.
Interestingly when studying law and revising for exams I would memorise my work - and it appeared as a picture in kind. I would see a book, and I could flip through the pages mentally and visualise where the ‘answer’ was . I would work through the pages and then use my memory power to ‘zoom’ into the answer on the page I knew it was . I would know where I had highlighted, how the page was set out etc
I have an excellent photographic memory I have always told myself
When it’s pms my behaviour is esp bad. Even someone talking can make me want to scream.
During school college uni I would often suddenly feel the urge to leave mid trip and return home , almost like a fight or flight response . Especially if I had gone out with a group and something had gone wrong ie the girls
Had said something that hurt me, or made me uncomfortable. I would leave , get the bus home and I’m
Sure they thought I was weird
In my teens I started rocking myself to sleep and I still do , I’m 37. Don’t even notice im doing it
I’m intelligent. I have a super memory. But I don’t know how to decide . If success was based on memory, I’d be flying . But I am indecisive, fearful of new things, don’t really believe I can, and always settle for less. I always get promoted and end up as the hardest working, obsessive working person ever
I also give everything or nothing. There is no inbetween. I’m either OCD cleaning or living in squalor . Pms
Always makes my life worse. My brain can’t help me organise the day to get jobs done. We have a history of Alzheimer’s in the family no doubt I feel the fog settling in some days.
Please someone put me out of my misery. Is this just my personality. Or do you recognise something here.
One last thing , I find looking into eyes hard. Hard because I feel they’re drawing me in. I’ll start looking at the pupil and cornea and analysing the eyes to the point im staring. To avoid that I just glance at people and glance away . Not everyone. Mostly new people.
I am annoyingly strict in regimes. If im jobless, I’m just home. If I’m
Working I’m at the office and home. To deviate from that and visit someone is hard. To allow someone in is anxiety. Will they take their shoes off, what if they use my bathroom. All my little weird habits and rigidity kicks in. And to socialise feels like a pain because I need to have the right attire, may need a bit of makeup. Everything making me uncomfy
