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hi. i don't know what i'm doing.

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Nex, Feb 26, 2020.

  1. Nex

    Nex Active Member

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    Uh...

    Hi. I'm Nex. I'm a 33 year old female from Canada-land.

    I've not been formally diagnosed, but I want to be, because the issues I have are impeding on my day-to-day life. I don't know how to ask my doctor about the possibility of being on the spectrum, because I'm afraid he's not gonna take me seriously. There is a lot that I don't tell him and other professionals. Some of which is because I don't know how to describe my feelings, and thoughts. That's been an issue all my life. How many times have I blanked out and said “I don't know” over the years to doctors and therapists, I have no clue.

    When I was a kid, I was one of the weird ones. I never felt like I was part of the group/class, like I was just watching others. I didn't understand proper social structure, so I'd interrupt every time I had a thought, or talk at times when I wasn't supposed to. I had poor impulse control, meaning I'd get an urge to do something, and I'd just do it, which has got me in trouble a few times. Including hitting other kids when I was frustrated. In the beginning, I didn't realize the negative effect I had on others. Eventually I just preferred being alone, and watched and mimicked the other kids.

    My copying/mimicking had some girls saying “Oh you're such a copier/follower! Stop it!” le sigh

    I also developed obsessions. I collected rocks, and read mineralogy books. Rocks, space, dinosaurs, science, Sailor Moon, meteorology... I was OBSESSED. I still get obsessions now. But I'm more aware of it. I'd literally turn on the weather channel and watch it. I made charts, and such... I just... loved things.

    When I was 7, I started pulling out my hair. I don't know the exact trigger, but I was put on some medication for a while, and I stopped. Unfortunately I hid puberty at 8 years old. It's weird being 8, shaving your legs, while the other girls were naturally hairless still. Ugh. I was diagnosed with severe depression at the age of 10, and they started medicating me. I started pulling my hair out again at age 13. Stopped at 18. Started again at 20, and have kept at it until now.

    I never felt “normal”. There were times in my life I thought I wasn't even human. Actually, I still call myself an alien, because I've accepted my differences. *shrug* “My brain just works differently.”

    When I was in highschool, they sent me to a doctor that specializes in Autism, but I lied through my ass, because I was scared and didn't want to be labeled as Autistic. It would've saved me much time and energy if I had just been honest.

    In school, at first I was brilliant. I got marks above 100% with science. I was quick with math. My spelling was decent. My writing was horrible. My desk was a mess. They had me doing higher level maths, and wanted to send me to a special school. I didn't go, because I didn't like the idea of changing my school. After that, my grades dropped, because I was being taught things below my skill level, my teachers not wanting to do special work with me.

    My grades tanked, my anxiety grew, I disconnected from the world. I didn't understand how to talk to people, or how to talk about my feelings, or what was going on in my head. I failed a lot of classes in highschool. I was angry, sad, suicidal, and having panic attacks at the slightest social interaction. I was a mess. If only I let them diagnose me as autistic, I would've probably got the help I needed.

    As an adult, I became more isolated. I never went out. I was having a hard time doing ANYTHING. “How do people just... go for a walk?” “How do people go and enjoy clubs and bars?” “How do they just go for coffee?” “How do people do ANYTHING?!!” “How do I belong? Do I even WANT to belong?”

    Over the years, I've been on countless anti-depressants, and anxiety medications. None ever worked. I'm on some now, and I still have problems with executive function, doing things. I still don't understand social interactions, and have troubles with most interactions, and still can't explain my emotions, feelings, or thoughts, because I don't even know what my emotions are. I just don't know how to human.

    BUT! I've given myself permission to “be weird”, so you'll see me meowing at strangers, rubbing my fingers together and making the “pspsps” noise (that we do for animals) to get someones attention, poking random things, using nonsensical words, and talking to myself.

    I just don't know how to bring it up with my doctor. I definitely don't want to bring it up with my psychiatrist, despite her being a psychiatrist. I feel very misunderstood with her.

    My hope is that I can meet a professional, and get help with this confusion. Get a job. Be independent.

    Instead, I'm just running into a wall... over and over again...

    so...

    hello?
     
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  2. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Some of those things you described reminded me of stuff growing up. Sometimes l felt like an observer and it was weird. I never felt like l fit in and l was accused of being stuck up but l was really just socially awkward. Think you have done an excellent job of describing you thought process and how you feel! Have you ever thought about writing? Your obsessions were exactly the same as my daughters, just add in Xbox, Pokemon, sewing and anime everything. But the other outsiders would usually be friends with me, maybe they were on the spectrum. We usually got along great. Hope this forum helps you feel more accepted.
     
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  3. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process! :)
     
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  4. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    Hello & welcome @Nex .

    If you can help it, don't go through your regular doctor. (Medical people who aren't versed in autism often miss ASD1, especially in women.)

    See if you can locate an autism specialist, like through Autism Canada.
     
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  5. Giraffes

    Giraffes Member

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  6. Giraffes

    Giraffes Member

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    HI Nex
    I am a 55year old women who had a life time of "difference" my feelings of isolation, withdrawal, and anxiety heightened as a teenager triggered by what is a confusing time for all people, i saw a psychologist and a doctor put me on antidepressants and was unable at 15 to complete my education.
    Skipping forward in life i spent the next 25 years with a self loathing and disappointment in being me that took me to various bouts of depression and anger at the world and people working along my now self realisation that as a person of extrovert nature with Aspergers the very thing i craved for well being ie people and accepted was tricky to get due to my Autism.
    At 40 whist reading a book by Tony Attwood as research for a job i spotted myself within the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers and thought "wow' that explains it all. My GP sent me to a psychologist then a Learning difficulties specialist to explain how i was. I have been employed in low paid care, retail jobs for special needs as my obsession/special interests are feeling, behavior and looking after others, sorry i've gone off the point, so i funded my own diagnosis with the Autistic centre for communication disorders and yay i got a full report and a certificate so i could declare my disability to employers and get reasonable adjustments to have a career.
    Generally people don't get my different way of being and due to my sensitivity to difference of opinions,dread of criticism and blunt nature i have lost lots of jobs.Friendships are a constant struggle and i continue to try and navigate the complexities of .Self acceptance for me is the key and CBT therapy has helped,i hope my sharing has been helpful and i wish you good luck in your self acceptance.
     
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  7. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Welcome to the forums.
    Your life story sounds very much like mine as I grew up.
    So, I just never grew up!
    Maybe if I had been diagnosed earlier than in my 50's, it would have been different.
    I didn't have the hair pulling. Mine was skin picking and lip biting.
    And I knew my emotions very well. I just usually didn't want to express them.

    Hope you find a good specialist and get the help you seek.
    Glad you are joining in here! :)
     
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  8. Giraffes

    Giraffes Member

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    Hi Susan
    So another women with a late diagnosis, i often ponder if my life before with the aid of scripts, work on my emotiond not feeling to big, and a less social career choice would have made for a happier life but hey i can't go go, so this is me and trying day by day to like myself a little
     
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  9. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2020-2-27_6-16-12.png
     
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  10. Sarah S

    Sarah S Well-Known Member

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    Warm wellcome Nex :)

    If you feel this way about youre psychiatrist then you need talk to her about this and if you still dont feel right get another one.

    One thing you must remember in this kind of therapy relatinship is they arent mind readers you have to tell them how you feel and what problems you have.

    Welkome to my world :( (only mien is life in general )
     
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  11. Nitro

    Nitro Admin/Immoral Turpitude Staff Member Admin V.I.P Member

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    Hi Nex

    welcome to af.png
     
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  12. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the forums, I had a nice time chatting with you earlier. I hope you like it here.
     
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  13. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi Nex, welcome to the forum. From your description of yourself, it seems like you mask (hide) your real self from others. A good psychiatrist would be able to pick up on the masking. And eventually work through it.
    Depending on where you're located in Canada, closest to a major city, you might be able to be accessed by someone with a background in autistic adults. If that's what you want. It might answer some questions for you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  14. Joel's Hear

    Joel's Hear Really high protector of Scotland

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    I hope everything works well for you!
     
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  15. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
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  16. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi Nex, and welcome. I often wonder a lot of these things myself - how DOES someone just go out for a walk? and so on. Always felt like I lived in a restrictive box that limits everything I do. Before I ever considered autism or anything, I used to try to tell my sister about 'the box' and this 'fear of being caught' and she'd never understand what I was talking about. I knew I was weird and different in these and so many other ways and, at 59, when I was diagnosed it was a relief to know there was a reason for it, not just me being crazy or weird.
    I also always masked with therapists and psychologists and such - because I didn't want the real me to be found. A psychiatrist put me on an antidepressant once and said that I also would need to talk to a therapist. I told him I could go, but I knew I wouldn't talk about things that really bothered me, so he didn't make me go. Maybe if I had been a little more open, I would have understood me and accepted me much sooner.
     
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  17. Nex

    Nex Active Member

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    I was checking around the sites and directories... alas, most of them cost money. :( I currently can't hold a job. I'm gonna have to have my doctor refer me to someone covered by the healthcare system. I am on income support, but I can't afford it with what I'm getting, with my needs. The only way I could get support is with an official diagnosis. I'll look around for more options.
     
  18. Nex

    Nex Active Member

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    Yesss. Your "box" sounds similar to how it feels like there's an invisible force stopping me. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety, but it's not that I'm afraid of doing things... it's like the "do" part of my brain just doesn't work properly, or something. I LOVE talking to people, I'm just super awkward, and "weird" (which doesn't bother me. I like being weird, lol). I've been called "clingy", and I've been called "cold", and "distant". I just can't find the happy medium. :( I also love walks. They're so nice when I'm able to break out a bit.
     
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  19. Nex

    Nex Active Member

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    Thanks :)
     
  20. Nex

    Nex Active Member

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    I hope so, too! I hope things are going well with you!