Nex
Active Member
Uh...
Hi. I'm Nex. I'm a 33 year old female from Canada-land.
I've not been formally diagnosed, but I want to be, because the issues I have are impeding on my day-to-day life. I don't know how to ask my doctor about the possibility of being on the spectrum, because I'm afraid he's not gonna take me seriously. There is a lot that I don't tell him and other professionals. Some of which is because I don't know how to describe my feelings, and thoughts. That's been an issue all my life. How many times have I blanked out and said “I don't know” over the years to doctors and therapists, I have no clue.
When I was a kid, I was one of the weird ones. I never felt like I was part of the group/class, like I was just watching others. I didn't understand proper social structure, so I'd interrupt every time I had a thought, or talk at times when I wasn't supposed to. I had poor impulse control, meaning I'd get an urge to do something, and I'd just do it, which has got me in trouble a few times. Including hitting other kids when I was frustrated. In the beginning, I didn't realize the negative effect I had on others. Eventually I just preferred being alone, and watched and mimicked the other kids.
My copying/mimicking had some girls saying “Oh you're such a copier/follower! Stop it!” le sigh
I also developed obsessions. I collected rocks, and read mineralogy books. Rocks, space, dinosaurs, science, Sailor Moon, meteorology... I was OBSESSED. I still get obsessions now. But I'm more aware of it. I'd literally turn on the weather channel and watch it. I made charts, and such... I just... loved things.
When I was 7, I started pulling out my hair. I don't know the exact trigger, but I was put on some medication for a while, and I stopped. Unfortunately I hid puberty at 8 years old. It's weird being 8, shaving your legs, while the other girls were naturally hairless still. Ugh. I was diagnosed with severe depression at the age of 10, and they started medicating me. I started pulling my hair out again at age 13. Stopped at 18. Started again at 20, and have kept at it until now.
I never felt “normal”. There were times in my life I thought I wasn't even human. Actually, I still call myself an alien, because I've accepted my differences. *shrug* “My brain just works differently.”
When I was in highschool, they sent me to a doctor that specializes in Autism, but I lied through my ass, because I was scared and didn't want to be labeled as Autistic. It would've saved me much time and energy if I had just been honest.
In school, at first I was brilliant. I got marks above 100% with science. I was quick with math. My spelling was decent. My writing was horrible. My desk was a mess. They had me doing higher level maths, and wanted to send me to a special school. I didn't go, because I didn't like the idea of changing my school. After that, my grades dropped, because I was being taught things below my skill level, my teachers not wanting to do special work with me.
My grades tanked, my anxiety grew, I disconnected from the world. I didn't understand how to talk to people, or how to talk about my feelings, or what was going on in my head. I failed a lot of classes in highschool. I was angry, sad, suicidal, and having panic attacks at the slightest social interaction. I was a mess. If only I let them diagnose me as autistic, I would've probably got the help I needed.
As an adult, I became more isolated. I never went out. I was having a hard time doing ANYTHING. “How do people just... go for a walk?” “How do people go and enjoy clubs and bars?” “How do they just go for coffee?” “How do people do ANYTHING?!!” “How do I belong? Do I even WANT to belong?”
Over the years, I've been on countless anti-depressants, and anxiety medications. None ever worked. I'm on some now, and I still have problems with executive function, doing things. I still don't understand social interactions, and have troubles with most interactions, and still can't explain my emotions, feelings, or thoughts, because I don't even know what my emotions are. I just don't know how to human.
BUT! I've given myself permission to “be weird”, so you'll see me meowing at strangers, rubbing my fingers together and making the “pspsps” noise (that we do for animals) to get someones attention, poking random things, using nonsensical words, and talking to myself.
I just don't know how to bring it up with my doctor. I definitely don't want to bring it up with my psychiatrist, despite her being a psychiatrist. I feel very misunderstood with her.
My hope is that I can meet a professional, and get help with this confusion. Get a job. Be independent.
Instead, I'm just running into a wall... over and over again...
so...
hello?
Hi. I'm Nex. I'm a 33 year old female from Canada-land.
I've not been formally diagnosed, but I want to be, because the issues I have are impeding on my day-to-day life. I don't know how to ask my doctor about the possibility of being on the spectrum, because I'm afraid he's not gonna take me seriously. There is a lot that I don't tell him and other professionals. Some of which is because I don't know how to describe my feelings, and thoughts. That's been an issue all my life. How many times have I blanked out and said “I don't know” over the years to doctors and therapists, I have no clue.
When I was a kid, I was one of the weird ones. I never felt like I was part of the group/class, like I was just watching others. I didn't understand proper social structure, so I'd interrupt every time I had a thought, or talk at times when I wasn't supposed to. I had poor impulse control, meaning I'd get an urge to do something, and I'd just do it, which has got me in trouble a few times. Including hitting other kids when I was frustrated. In the beginning, I didn't realize the negative effect I had on others. Eventually I just preferred being alone, and watched and mimicked the other kids.
My copying/mimicking had some girls saying “Oh you're such a copier/follower! Stop it!” le sigh
I also developed obsessions. I collected rocks, and read mineralogy books. Rocks, space, dinosaurs, science, Sailor Moon, meteorology... I was OBSESSED. I still get obsessions now. But I'm more aware of it. I'd literally turn on the weather channel and watch it. I made charts, and such... I just... loved things.
When I was 7, I started pulling out my hair. I don't know the exact trigger, but I was put on some medication for a while, and I stopped. Unfortunately I hid puberty at 8 years old. It's weird being 8, shaving your legs, while the other girls were naturally hairless still. Ugh. I was diagnosed with severe depression at the age of 10, and they started medicating me. I started pulling my hair out again at age 13. Stopped at 18. Started again at 20, and have kept at it until now.
I never felt “normal”. There were times in my life I thought I wasn't even human. Actually, I still call myself an alien, because I've accepted my differences. *shrug* “My brain just works differently.”
When I was in highschool, they sent me to a doctor that specializes in Autism, but I lied through my ass, because I was scared and didn't want to be labeled as Autistic. It would've saved me much time and energy if I had just been honest.
In school, at first I was brilliant. I got marks above 100% with science. I was quick with math. My spelling was decent. My writing was horrible. My desk was a mess. They had me doing higher level maths, and wanted to send me to a special school. I didn't go, because I didn't like the idea of changing my school. After that, my grades dropped, because I was being taught things below my skill level, my teachers not wanting to do special work with me.
My grades tanked, my anxiety grew, I disconnected from the world. I didn't understand how to talk to people, or how to talk about my feelings, or what was going on in my head. I failed a lot of classes in highschool. I was angry, sad, suicidal, and having panic attacks at the slightest social interaction. I was a mess. If only I let them diagnose me as autistic, I would've probably got the help I needed.
As an adult, I became more isolated. I never went out. I was having a hard time doing ANYTHING. “How do people just... go for a walk?” “How do people go and enjoy clubs and bars?” “How do they just go for coffee?” “How do people do ANYTHING?!!” “How do I belong? Do I even WANT to belong?”
Over the years, I've been on countless anti-depressants, and anxiety medications. None ever worked. I'm on some now, and I still have problems with executive function, doing things. I still don't understand social interactions, and have troubles with most interactions, and still can't explain my emotions, feelings, or thoughts, because I don't even know what my emotions are. I just don't know how to human.
BUT! I've given myself permission to “be weird”, so you'll see me meowing at strangers, rubbing my fingers together and making the “pspsps” noise (that we do for animals) to get someones attention, poking random things, using nonsensical words, and talking to myself.
I just don't know how to bring it up with my doctor. I definitely don't want to bring it up with my psychiatrist, despite her being a psychiatrist. I feel very misunderstood with her.
My hope is that I can meet a professional, and get help with this confusion. Get a job. Be independent.
Instead, I'm just running into a wall... over and over again...
so...
hello?
