Hi all, first post....venting a bit

[pennypeng]

Hello all,

My name is Penny and I'm a 32 year old female. I've always known something was off about me but overtime equated it to environmental issues. (Upbringing, unstable parents, choices, etc.) I have a very hard time putting what I feel or think into words. In my brain I can put things together eloquently and efficiently, but if I have to (or want to) express it, I can't. I spend forever fixing my sentence formatting or anticipating the impact of what I'm about to write. 9 times out of 10 I delete what I've typed and move on. So bare with me here.

I have no formal diagnosis of ASD. However, I watched a video on youtube this past Sunday about girls with autism and I've been attempting to cope with what I've learned since then. (Not too well.) The girls in the video were just like me, the things they said could have came from my own mouth/brain. I started my mega research on it. (This is what I do for sport, research random things constantly.) This article explained me perfectly. All this searching I've done for a cause of my ailments that I could never explain properly was put together right there.
Females and Aspergers: A checklist

At first I was excited that I think I had found out what's wrong with me. I knew something was wrong, it wasn't just my failure to adapt or mesh with society, etc etc. But now, I realize I'm just a robot who has pretended all these years to "act right". I am a damn good chameleon, to the point where I had my own self fooled. Now all these tics and anxiety habits I had learned to overcome have come back with a vengeance. No one around me would know the difference because I've hid this all so well over the years. I am a cute female, if I say or do something profound I get a pat on the back. If I do or say something stupid, I can laugh it off like I'm just a ditz. I've just learned to blend. I have no substance. I just analyze, create rules and act accordingly.

I had a quick conversation with my husband about what I've read about ASD and that I think it applies to me. I had him read a few things and he just blew me off. I don't even know if it really matters if I had an official diagnosis. I've gone this far in life this way and I don't want anyone to treat me differently.

I honestly don't know why I'm even writing this out here. Maybe just to vent to other who may understand.

 

[pennypeng]

Females and Aspergers: A checklist this link not the one I had posted.

 

[tree]

 

[Nervous Rex]

Welcome. I think you'll find this forum to be warm, welcoming, and supportive. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

 

[pennypeng]

Thank you, I appreciate it.

 

[Otenba]

It is totally okay that you have vented. I too have only just realised might be autistic in my 30s and I'm currently waiting for an NHS assessment. I feel mixed as well and have found this realisation to make me see existing relationships in a different light. I hope that if or when you look to getting assessed, I hope your wait is less time. It's been 18 months and a bit now for me and no word of when my NHS assessment is happening.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find you time here as nice as I have.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Penny!

 

[pennypeng]

It is totally okay that you have vented. I too have only just realised might be autistic in my 30s and I'm currently waiting for an NHS assessment. I feel mixed as well and have found this realisation to make me see existing relationships in a different light. I hope that if or when you look to getting assessed, I hope your wait is less time. It's been 18 months and a bit now for me and no word of when my NHS assessment is happening.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find you time here as nice as I have.

Thank you for your response. What does the NHS assessment consist of? That's is a crazy amount of time to wait!

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[pennypeng]

Hi Penny!

View attachment 49785

Hi Nitro.

 

[pennypeng]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

Thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it!

 

[Isadoorian]

Thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it!

You're most welcome

 

[Otenba]

Thank you for your response. What does the NHS assessment consist of? That's is a crazy amount of time to wait!

I think they do various tests at the actual assessment (honestly, I'm keeping myself ignorant of it so my assessment isn't swayed in any way - if being prepared for it would do that). I have also completed an initial assessment questionnaire and got my parents to complete the relative questionnaire (I don't think it had to be a parent but they're the only people who really knew me between the ages 4 to 10 which is what they're interested in). If you can't get the relative questionnaire done, it is okay (I know this because I originally intended to not involve my family at all).

Yeah, two years is the UK national average. I'm apparently high priority but that doesn't seem to mean much considering I've passed the originally stated 18 months wait. Where I live, the mental health services are notoriously poor compared to other areas so I honestly would not be surprised if I end up waiting more than two years.

I've done several aspie tests which I've posted the results on my profile. If you're talking about the test I think you are, I think that's the one I got 39 for. Have to be careful though, neurodiverse isn't automatically autism and some of the tests I did state neurodiverse rather than autism/Asperger's, but autism does come under neurodiverse. I have several relatives who have dyslexia which is another neurodiverse thing. I found this realisation fascinating.

 

[pennypeng]

I think they do various tests at the actual assessment (honestly, I'm keeping myself ignorant of it so my assessment isn't swayed in any way - if being prepared for it would do that). I have also completed an initial assessment questionnaire and got my parents to complete the relative questionnaire (I don't think it had to be a parent but they're the only people who really knew me between the ages 4 to 10 which is what they're interested in). If you can't get the relative questionnaire done, it is okay (I know this because I originally intended to not involve my family at all).

Yeah, two years is the UK national average. I'm apparently high priority but that doesn't seem to mean much considering I've passed the originally stated 18 months wait. Where I live, the mental health services are notoriously poor compared to other areas so I honestly would not be surprised if I end up waiting more than two years.

I've done several aspie tests which I've posted the results on my profile. If you're talking about the test I think you are, I think that's the one I got 39 for. Have to be careful though, neurodiverse isn't automatically autism and some of the tests I did state neurodiverse rather than autism/Asperger's, but autism does come under neurodiverse. I have several relatives who have dyslexia which is another neurodiverse thing. I found this realisation fascinating.

That's terrible. Two years is an awful long time to wait for mental health help. I live in the US and am fortunate enough to have a decent insurance policy. There is a free walk-in, first come-first serve mental health clinic down the road from me though. They take your income/insurance information and work out a plan with you. I think it's pretty cool, I don't know what resources there are for ASD though. I've not met anyone that has had to deal with that here.

I did take the same quiz you have listed in your profile, but I didn't save the results. I'll have to take it again. My quadrants fell heavy in intellectual and neurodiverse but very low in people skills and neurotypical.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Hello all,

My name is Penny and I'm a 32 year old female. I've always known something was off about me but overtime equated it to environmental issues. (Upbringing, unstable parents, choices, etc.) I have a very hard time putting what I feel or think into words. In my brain I can put things together eloquently and efficiently, but if I have to (or want to) express it, I can't. I spend forever fixing my sentence formatting or anticipating the impact of what I'm about to write. 9 times out of 10 I delete what I've typed and move on. So bare with me here.

I have no formal diagnosis of ASD. However, I watched a video on youtube this past Sunday about girls with autism and I've been attempting to cope with what I've learned since then. (Not too well.) The girls in the video were just like me, the things they said could have came from my own mouth/brain. I started my mega research on it. (This is what I do for sport, research random things constantly.) This article explained me perfectly. All this searching I've done for a cause of my ailments that I could never explain properly was put together right there.
Females and Aspergers: A checklist

At first I was excited that I think I had found out what's wrong with me. I knew something was wrong, it wasn't just my failure to adapt or mesh with society, etc etc. But now, I realize I'm just a robot who has pretended all these years to "act right". I am a damn good chameleon, to the point where I had my own self fooled. Now all these tics and anxiety habits I had learned to overcome have come back with a vengeance. No one around me would know the difference because I've hid this all so well over the years. I am a cute female, if I say or do something profound I get a pat on the back. If I do or say something stupid, I can laugh it off like I'm just a ditz. I've just learned to blend. I have no substance. I just analyze, create rules and act accordingly.

I had a quick conversation with my husband about what I've read about ASD and that I think it applies to me. I had him read a few things and he just blew me off. I don't even know if it really matters if I had an official diagnosis. I've gone this far in life this way and I don't want anyone to treat me differently.

I honestly don't know why I'm even writing this out here. Maybe just to vent to other who may understand.

You're checklist applies so much to me! You actually listed all and even more symptoms of of autism! I'm 19 and was formally diagnosed about a month ago! I've taken multiple online tests before I got my diagnosis. If you are struggling with something like sensory issues and/or want people to understand you better, I think a formal diagnosis is best. It can also help for disability accommodations if certain sensory issues or motor problems affect you. For me, it's mostly my sensitive hearing affecting my life as well as poor social skills.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi pennypeng and welcome.
Getting assessed doesn't necessarily change anything other than taking away doubt. Many of us on the spectrum don't consider ourselves as having something "wrong" with us, more that we have differences. It's intolerance and ignorance from a world that doesn't get that we have different ways of interpreting things that causes most of our problems.
BTW - NHS assessment times in the UK vary across the country depending on local priorities and how badly the regional authorities have been affected by myopic Govt cutbacks. Waiting times for assessment can go from as little as 12 weeks up to 30 months.
I hope your time here helps you find some clarity.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Hi pennypeng and welcome.
Getting assessed doesn't necessarily change anything other than taking away doubt. Many of us on the spectrum don't consider ourselves as having something "wrong" with us, more that we have differences. It's intolerance and ignorance from a world that doesn't get that we have different ways of interpreting things that causes most of our problems.
BTW - NHS assessment times in the UK vary across the country depending on local priorities and how badly the regional authorities have been affected by myopic Govt cutbacks. Waiting times for assessment can go from as little as 12 weeks up to 30 months.
I hope your time here helps you find some clarity.

I admit diagnosis doesn't help everyone or change things for everyone, but for some people, it may help to understand yourself better. For me, it helps me to understand my limitations and behavior. Behavior isn't a bad thing, though. It just makes you different, but it also helps other people understand as well, and if any limitations affect your daily life co.oared to others, the diagnosis may help because you can get accommodations and help, depending on where you live. I'm not saying you need help, but if you feel that it is what will help your husband and other people understand you better, then you can try it because you can tell someone that you have autism as an explanation for behaviors and misunderstandings, but they may want to see a formal diagnosis paper, and I'm talking about an authority figure like a teacher, police officer, or employer. This also helps if you have high anxiety and can't find the right words to speak (or go nonverbal). That's all I'm saying, but it's your choice.

 

[Pats]

Hello Pennypeng

 

[pennypeng]

Hi pennypeng and welcome.
Getting assessed doesn't necessarily change anything other than taking away doubt. Many of us on the spectrum don't consider ourselves as having something "wrong" with us, more that we have differences. It's intolerance and ignorance from a world that doesn't get that we have different ways of interpreting things that causes most of our problems.
BTW - NHS assessment times in the UK vary across the country depending on local priorities and how badly the regional authorities have been affected by myopic Govt cutbacks. Waiting times for assessment can go from as little as 12 weeks up to 30 months.
I hope your time here helps you find some clarity.

Thank you very much for your response. I think that's the question I wanted answered, does it make a difference if I receive a diagnosis or not?
Before I read in depth about autism, I dug deep into personality types and the different testing methods used. The Myers Biggs test uses a set of questions (much like the autism tests we can find online) and gives you a 4 digit code that states your type. I ended up being an INTJ, I wonder if intellectual types tend to be autistic....or that traits that are deemed autistic are really just a rare personality type. (Tangent)

I'm worried that if I deem myself to have a disability that I will feel limited and more different than I already feel. Do you think you receive more help clinically than you would just discussing with like minded individuals?

 

[pennypeng]

I admit diagnosis doesn't help everyone or change things for everyone, but for some people, it may help to understand yourself better. For me, it helps me to understand my limitations and behavior. Behavior isn't a bad thing, though. It just makes you different, but it also helps other people understand as well, and if any limitations affect your daily life co.oared to others, the diagnosis may help because you can get accommodations and help, depending on where you live. I'm not saying you need help, but if you feel that it is what will help your husband and other people understand you better, then you can try it because you can tell someone that you have autism as an explanation for behaviors and misunderstandings, but they may want to see a formal diagnosis paper, and I'm talking about an authority figure like a teacher, police officer, or employer. This also helps if you have high anxiety and can't find the right words to speak (or go nonverbal). That's all I'm saying, but it's your choice.

Thank you for this. I go back and forth between "different is good" and "different is bad".
One thing I do, say my dog is sick, I'll quickly process what emotions I anticipate on having through the course that would lead up the dogs death. So when the hard parts come around I can't express sadness because I've already come to terms with it. I kind of feel like that right now, I'm glad I wrote this message on this forum. I'm back to okay with being different for the moment. I feel less melancholy than when I began. I hope that made sense.