Hi, advice on help for aspergers ?

[Annayoung]

Excuse me this is going to be impulsive .. Iam 100% sure I have Asperger's. A sibling has it really bad . I really need help . I think I'm supposed to start with a psychologist & change my diet as well, cognitive social skills studies. Read aspergers books. I'm trying daily Meditations/affirmations.

Any advice from anyone on here on what to do ??
Any happy people with as on here ?

I'm currently struggling with the grief of facing that I have this. I know I've had it since I was a teenager but I couldn't face it yet. I'm really overwhelmed.. So much so I was reading about all the traits an adult aspie has & I have nearly all of them listed .. I tried to color my hair today which I do regularly & it was so difficult .. I almost couldn't handle it ..

It's hard for me to fix something if I don't actually know what's wrong & I have problems taking criticism & I may never fit in. Will I ever be happy? Or remotely normal ? Can I do it ?

I day dream about things I probably can't have friends, children , a happy marriage, a home .. I feel so incapable that isn't to say I think any of you are incapable .. I didn't feel this way before I faced this.

 

[Pondering]

I have Asperger's and have never been happier. I used to feel the same way as you described. My main piece of advice is don't worry. You are still the same person. For the most part people with AS are pretty normal in the sense that they can usually live healthy, happy, independent, and rewarding lives and live like a neurotypical would. Friends are certainly difficult to make, find, and keep but it's abput finding the right ones. Not everyone makes for a good quality friend. I, for one, have not had a good friend for a long time but I don't mind waiting until I find the right one. Don't forget that animals often can be amazing friends. Relationships, romantic or otherwise form when they will so I wouldn't force it. I have heard from many accounts that marriage for aspies can be a struggle and sometimes aren't like traditional marriages.

There are many things that are rewarding about having Asperger's like having a special skill or interest or hobby. Like I said, they can still live normal lives. I have. Even as an aspie, I have accomplished things I didn't think I ever could such as singing in front of an audience, acting on stage in front of an audience, endure a mock job interview, and give speeches all successfully. Someone with Asperger's Syndrome won't necessarily be unsuccessful. Many well-known poets, authors, mathmaticians, scientists, geniuses, inventors, and artists were or are aspies. You need not fear that having AS will hinder you. Academically, socially, intillectually, and secularly, I have done fine. That is not to say that life will be easy. But living life as normal as possible while recognizing your strengths and weaknesses as an aspie will make the quality of life a little better. There is an advantage to knowing about Asperger's when having it: you can know what to expect and know how to make decisions based on it. I hope this helps. Sorry that this is a lot to read.

 

[Aster]

Hang in there, you're talking about what is challenging you and that is a big step. I might recommend seeing if there are any social or support groups near you for Aspergers. This is a great way to meet others that are going through the same concerns, and an excellent way to drag yourself out of the house to a place that feels safe. You are fine the way you are!

 

[AsheSkyler]

It is an awful lot of info to take in at first. Take a few deep breaths, sip some water, and go one step at a time.

No need to change your diet unless you've read some symptoms that notified you of an issue with your diet. In example, not realizing caffeine was causing your heart to skip and pound out of your chest until you read that caffeine can explicitly do that to you depending on who you are or how much you have. Many people with autism do have allergies and autoimmune problems, like Celiac's disease or some negative reaction to gluten (or many other foods), so if you have eating problems for reasons other than sensory-related things like texture or flavor, a new diet might be worth looking in to.

My recommendation for your reading list is to take a look at your comorbids and address them individually. Attention deficit disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, sensory processing disorder, any kind of anxiety disorder, etc. Take them one at a time, learn how to cope with them if you hadn't already been able to, and go from there.

Despite how dismal those Asperger's books like to be and go on about how you'll never marry, have kids, friends, a job, and your family will eventually turn their backs on you and despise you, ignore it. I'm married, I have a kid, I have a good relationship with my family, I'm working two jobs, and I'd probably have friends if I wanted them. Well, I do have a couple of friends, but we don't get together much. Having a life is still quite possible with or without being autistic.

 

[Naturalist]

Excuse me this is going to be impulsive .. Iam 100% sure I have Asperger's. A sibling has it really bad . I really need help . I think I'm supposed to start with a psychologist & change my diet as well, cognitive social skills studies. Read aspergers books. I'm trying daily Meditations/affirmations.

You are off to a great start! And you have already been given some great advice from others, so I will just add my experience:

You sound very much like myself as a teenager and into my twenties; I tried so hard to be "normal" but I knew that I was really different and it made me very anxious about how to lead a fulfilling life, when the basic things like college and jobs and relationships and friendships seemed so impossible for me. It was really a relief, when someone suggested I might have Aspergers, because I finally had words for my experiences and feelings and I could begin to address the things I struggled with, by reading and asking the advice of people with similar experiences. Before that time, I hadn't even imagined that others HAD similar experiences!

A few years after accepting my Aspergers, I am mostly very happy. I have a wonderful young son and a husband who tries to be supportive; a college degree and a good job in my field of interest, which is low pay but getting gradually better as I prove my merits. I don't stress about making mistakes as much, because I am learning how to ask for help or to articulate my difficulties (something I never could do before). I have let go of many stressors which stemmed from others' demands upon me, rather than my personal priorities or values. I spend time in meditation, and don't pressure myself to act before I am ready, because I can always state, "I am not ready to act on this. Please give me some time to reflect so that my actions will be more informed and effective." I have a few friends, but I had to let go of the expectation that I should meet up with my friends on a very regular basis. Even NTs don't have that kind of time in their schedules any more! And I am happier to see them occasionally, and know that they are always caring for me, and I for them.

I gave up coloring my hair in my early twenties, it was too much for me to handle! It's quite unnecessary, anyway, and should only be attempted if it gives you joy

The grief you feel is normal, because in some sense you are losing an imagined self to the "true" self--but remember, only the true self can be truly happy! You may find that the more you are willing to engage with yourself realistically, the more aspects of your imagined self will start to become a reality. You ARE capable of achieving your dreams--but they will begin to materialize more and more as you know yourself better and feel gradually more comfortable with your limits as well as your abilities (and in some cases, respecting your limitations can lead you to newfound abilities!).

Best wishes!

 

[Omega]

Annayoung you are a beautiful person and so very young. I see, from reading your post, that you are a lot farther along than I was at 25.

Life is a collection of experiences piled on top of each other and at times can seem suffocating. These experiences, good, bad, mediocre, are the building blocks of your perspective later in life.

I think you are on the right path by being here and asking questions and you came to this conclusion a full 20 years earlier than I did. You will learn, as I did, that the people in this forum are passionate about the advice they give and will not steer you wrong. I, myself, have been recently looking into the advice that Aster gave about the support group. I don't know where your from or the resources available to you, but if you can find such a group it could be that next step.

 

[dragonwolf]

I day dream about things I probably can't have friends, children , a happy marriage, a home .. I feel so incapable that isn't to say I think any of you are incapable .. I didn't feel this way before I faced this.

Tip #1 -- Ignore Autism Speaks and anything with their name attached. Nothing has changed, except the fact that you now have a name for what you've probably felt for a long time. Autism is not a death sentence.

Why can't you have a home, friends, kids, a happy marriage? Because you're an Aspie? That only matters if you let it. I own a home, have been happily married for nearly 10 years, have a 5 year old son, and a social network I enjoy. If you felt those things were what you wanted before, then there's no reason you can't still have them.

It's hard for me to fix something if I don't actually know what's wrong & I have problems taking criticism & I may never fit in. Will I ever be happy? Or remotely normal ? Can I do it ?

First, define "normal." Normal has so many definitions that it's pretty much meaningless. What's normal for one person is completely abnormal for another.

Being able to take criticism is a skill that many have to learn. Part of learning to do that is to be able to look objectively at things, and remember that criticism usually isn't intended to be personal.

You're no different than you were before, a diagnosis (or realization) doesn't change anything. It just gives you a basis on which to do more research.

 

[Annayoung]

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Thank you to everyone for replying . You have all been helpful. I feel like this forum is a home. I identify with most of what people are saying on here . Iam scared because my special interest is beauty. I have a cosmetology liscense & I'm almost certain my ability to survive must be the same as my ability to communicate,socialize. This is the only thing I know how to do - beauty. All this time I had this worry I could not find a name for... I want to individually reply to everyone at some later date. I think I'm too upset to do it right now.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Nobody here would be offended if you took some time to gather yourself. =)

I give you kudos for being able to do cosmology, the smells in most salons aggravate my sensory issues pretty badly. On the bright side, most stylists are pretty chatty and outgoing. One thing Aspie books do get right is that women are more likely to take you under their wing and help you out, one of the reasons female Aspies are rarely caught. Must be that mothering instinct, it's especially true of the middle-aged women with kids. Gain the favor of a woman that's been in the business for a while that you can trust with your weaknesses (not necessarily your suspected diagnosis, most of the time you can just tell somebody your symptoms and get the job done without worrying about potential backlash), and she should be able to help you navigate the social part of your job.

Or you could watch some men's comedy clips on how to deal with women. Nod, make a concerned face, repeat a few of their words here and there, and just let them go off on tangents.

 

[Tom]

You are no different now then before you faced this. Just now you know a bit more about yourself and in time you will learn more. If you had dreams before, there is no reason to not have the same now.

Yes, all the things you mentioned are possible. Friends, marriage, a home, children. Many of us here have ASD and have or have had those. And jobs and careers and accomplishments too. Not everyone wants those things of course. I think a lot depends on what you want. You tend to work on those things most.

There are no guarentees of course, and that goes for anyone, NT or AS. But from the little I can gather I don't see any of it being impossible or even improbable for you based on having ASD alone.

But give yourself time to get over the shock, for it can be a big one. Just a little footnote. Aspies and other autistics statisically marry later then NTs. Our curve is longer then others and that is 'normal' for us.

 

[Annayoung]

You are no different now then before you faced this. Just now you know a bit more about yourself and in time you will learn more. If you had dreams before, there is no reason to not have the same now.

Yes, all the things you mentioned are possible. Friends, marriage, a home, children. Many of us here have ASD and have or have had those. And jobs and careers and accomplishments too. Not everyone wants those things of course. I think a lot depends on what you want. You tend to work on those things most.

There are no guarentees of course, and that goes for anyone, NT or AS. But from the little I can gather I don't see any of it being impossible or even improbable for you based on having ASD alone.

But give yourself time to get over the shock, for it can be a big one. Just a little footnote. Aspies and other autistics statisically marry later then NTs. Our curve is longer then others and that is 'normal' for us.

Ps. How long does it take to get over the shock ?

Thank you so much ! Yeah just the fact that I think I have it I feel like I can' t even deal with anyone. Iam definitely shocked.


Regardless I decided I don't care, I'm going to buy as many books as I have to on social skills. I will pray. , meditation, take manners courses, etc. I can only go up and keep trying. Half a loaf is better than none. . Even if I make no friends ever, I can improve on my self as a person. I can atleast be more pleasant to deal with if possible. Atleast I tried and for anyone that it never worked out They live in recluse you may be reading this. please know I grieve for you & your Lost experiences. It's sad and makes me sad, I want all the aspies to be happy !!

 

[dragonwolf]

Ps. How long does it take to get over the shock ?

Thank you so much ! Yeah just the fact that I think I have it I feel like I can' t even deal with anyone. Iam definitely shocked.


Regardless I decided I don't care, I'm going to buy as many books as I have to on social skills. I will pray. , meditation, take manners courses, etc. I can only go up and keep trying. Half a loaf is better than none. . Even if I make no friends ever, I can improve on my self as a person. I can atleast be more pleasant to deal with if possible. Atleast I tried and for anyone that it never worked out They live in recluse you may be reading this. please know I grieve for you & your Lost experiences. It's sad and makes me sad, I want all the aspies to be happy !!

How long it takes depends on you -- not only in how accepting of things you are, in general, but also how much undoing of negative self-talk you have to do about it.

Make sure you find books about social stuff that have been written by Autistics, at least in addition to the other books. There are some things that don't come as natural to us, even in things that have to be taught to everyone. Little nuances and whatnot. These little things can make various social self-help books backfire, since they're written by NTs, for NTs. That's not to say they can't be useful, too, but it's good to know where the "rules" are different for us.

 

[Annayoung]

How long it takes depends on you -- not only in how accepting of things you are, in general, but also how much undoing of negative self-talk you have to do about it.

Make sure you find books about social stuff that have been written by Autistics, at least in addition to the other books. There are some things that don't come as natural to us, even in things that have to be taught to everyone. Little nuances and whatnot. These little things can make various social self-help books backfire, since they're written by NTs, for NTs. That's not to say they can't be useful, too, but it's good to know where the "rules" are different for us.

Thank you. Everything you said was very helpful .Today I received "unwritten rules " in the mail , I'm so excited ! As far as the shock goes I've decided to just do the best I can with what I have to work with. It's difficult to deal with.

 

[kris]

Or you could watch some men's comedy clips on how to deal with women. Nod, make a concerned face, repeat a few of their words here and there, and just let them go off on tangents.

bahahaha! This is exactly how I navigate social situations with women...it doesn't gain me any friends, but I can usually avoid embarrassment when they do all the talking.

I think that would work great for working with clients. I might actually also recommend reading pop culture magazines.. just to know who's involved with what stupid scandal.. so many women love to gossip about that stuff and I never have a clue what they're talking about.

 

[kris]

I just wanted to add that it's definitely possible to live a full and happy aspie life. Myself, I'm doing so much better now than I was before self-awareness. I think it took maybe 6 months for the shock to wear off, during which time I read a ton of books and started hanging out here.

I quit my corporate job and started a business I love.. I have a wonderful 8 year old son who shares time between me and my ex (marriage wasn't for me but that was no fault of my ASD).. and have manged to have a few mostly normal dating relationships the past couple of years. And I've quit doing stuff I don't want to do.. if I don't feel like hanging out with people, I am comfortable staying home.. I say no to all the stuff that used to stress me out.

As far as friends go, that's still hard. I find I have a pretty easy time making them, but maintaining friendships is exhausting for me. I have a running group I run with once a week or every other week.. it's a good activity that's social but not too social and everyone has been really nice. I also have a dog and spend a lot of time at the dog park.. most of my best friends near where I live are from the dog park.. I've made some good connections there.

 

[Annayoung]

Please excuse me for not replying to anyone on this thread I really have been extremely deppressed

yesterday I went to a doctors office I saw a psychiatrist & a therapist . I do not have Asperger's syndrome . Iam severely deppressed, I have a serious anxiety problem. My brother also tramatized me from years of neglect. The psychiatrist told me Iam very emotional/sensitive & he is not interested in having relationships with people it isn't anything personal & it apparently influenced/impacted my life very negatively. The struggles I have in my life look like aspergers but they are actually severe deppression and someone who has given up on life


She's right because I became deppressed from all the times I tried to win him . I felt I don't care how hard I have to try I don't want to feel this pain again. I would rather be alone than be with people who just abuse me .

Iam also not sleeping . I have never gotten sleep . Iam afraid to go to sleep . I hate night time .it's 1 am right now . I know I'm going to be sorry in the morning . She told me my lack of sleep is affecting my ability to function. It's true I'm totally exhausted and not sleeping .

Iam also hormonally imbalanced so when my menstral cycle happens I occasionally become another person. I hide I cannot stop crying . I try to hide this weakness from everyone . I actually cannot function during that time. She believes I have a disorder and I honestly always suspected I have.

The therapist
She assured me I make perfect direct eye contact which I do . I understood her jokes . I would often ask if I was talking out of turn . She feels I suffer from a lack of confidence and low self esteem. There are other reasons she did not disclose to me , I did not ask I trust the two professionals .

As for my brother he threatened me and Iam actually terrified of men. I keep trying to snuff out this belief that men will just see me as a means to an end/ are cold stonewalls / just want to hurt me. I'm frightened of being taken advantage of. I made certain no man would use me . I felt used as a little girls .

As for aspergers people I forgave my brother for all the atrocities he commited against me & even his denying what he had done. I will say he isn't like any of you. I gave him a million chances to redeem himself I never gave up on my brother . So just know it isn't true your family will turn their back on you . He repeatedly betrayed me and I kept coming back because I wanted his friendship/I loved him or I was a total doormat.


Ps
They both pronounced it ASS BURGERS. which drove me totally crazy . I not my tongue I don't want to be rude & "teach the teacher "

 

[Annayoung]

I don't know if I will be staying on here considering I do not have this disorder . Thank you all of you for your support . I have learned so much from all of you & your stories. I want to say I wish all of you well . I wish you happiness most of all. I grieve for the people on here who are truely lonely my heart goes out to you most of all for what you do not have . I hope you find happiness somewhere .

Sincerely,
Anna

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Excuse me this is going to be impulsive .. Iam 100% sure I have Asperger's. A sibling has it really bad . I really need help . I think I'm supposed to start with a psychologist & change my diet as well, cognitive social skills studies. Read aspergers books. I'm trying daily Meditations/affirmations.

Any advice from anyone on here on what to do ??
Any happy people with as on here ?

I'm currently struggling with the grief of facing that I have this. I know I've had it since I was a teenager but I couldn't face it yet. I'm really overwhelmed.. So much so I was reading about all the traits an adult aspie has & I have nearly all of them listed .. I tried to color my hair today which I do regularly & it was so difficult .. I almost couldn't handle it ..

It's hard for me to fix something if I don't actually know what's wrong & I have problems taking criticism & I may never fit in. Will I ever be happy? Or remotely normal ? Can I do it ?

I day dream about things I probably can't have friends, children , a happy marriage, a home .. I feel so incapable that isn't to say I think any of you are incapable .. I didn't feel this way before I faced this.

Anna, I would like to offer this spin to you. I an new to this site and social media and typing on an I phone as well. Hang with me here.
Aspergers is not a disease or disability. It is more like a super ability. It's a wild horse that need some, love, care, time encouragement and some serious and deep thought on what you like and don't like. Be true to your own light. Disregard anyone that puts you down. An excellent life awaits you, your choose. No one can take control, but you can give self control away. Do not lose your self. It is perfect. Next.
Search the web for those that have or are suspected of having Aspers. Many, very many have changed the paradigm of human experience. Newton, Tesla, Bill Gates? Come on girl, give it a few days, focus, we do that better than some, decide specifically in detail what you want. Then stretch your wings and fly. I'm not sure about this but, if you fall some may be able to catch you.
There was a US pilot in the Korean War that bailed out at over 30000 feet. Chute never opened, hit pine trees on a steep mountain slope. Slid down the mountain on his butt. Lived, was frost bitten. Don't panic. Write me in a couple days after you get more feedback, please. EP

 

[AsheSkyler]

You're more than welcome to stay around, Aspie or no. We've got a couple of non-autistics that like to hang around. Depression, anxiety, and trauma are all things MANY here have experience with and many here are also quite willing to rant, rave, cry, and cope with you.

Ps
They both pronounced it ASS BURGERS. which drove me totally crazy . I not my tongue I don't want to be rude & "teach the teacher "

Better an ass burger than an ass purger!

 

[Annayoung]

You're more than welcome to stay around, Aspie or no. We've got a couple of non-autistics that like to hang around. Depression, anxiety, and trauma are all things MANY here have experience with and many here are also quite willing to rant, rave, cry, and cope with you.


Better an ass burger than an ass purger!

Sounds good to me! I don't know if it's all the passion tea I've been drinking but I <3 everyone lol

Ps. The mispronunciation bothered me bc to me it came across as a lack of respect. I also deeply identified & sympathized with AS people & their daily trials. I spent a lot of time researching AS. I felt the least someone could do was pronounce their condition correctly . Maybe that's just me . In my head I was like your saying it wrong & OMG you said it wrong gain.. And they both said wrong together at the same time !!! Djskwkwnwbhhhhvv